I Never Existed

I’m not okay in the head, I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I haven’t felt like this in a while, but I suppose that’s how the cycles go. Every time one of these episodes hits I’m genuinely shocked I keep surviving through them, every thing is miserable and every breath feels like a punishment. I tried an antidepressant last year but it just made me numb and gain weight, like the fattest I’ve ever been, and now I don’t have a doctor to try anything else. I keep thinking I have everything under control and maybe I’m doing better but then the floor just falls out from under me and I’m just that depressed and lonely 13 year old girl again. The desire to be thin and perfect and happy just never goes away. I keep hoping if I can achieve that one day maybe this darkness in my mind will dissipate but I don’t know if I believe that anymore.

I hate summer. I hate summer classes, I hate the heat, I swear I get S.A.D. in the summer rather than the winter. I just want to go to bed and sleep for days on end and not have to face the bs of life right now.