DEMIAN

Nakakalungkot lang isipin na may mga taong natatakot na magmahal, mag commit and be in a relationship. Kung dati, halos lahat ng tao willing… gusto.

I understand that your heart is broken. You’re sad. I get it. But don’t let that stop you from living your life. Get out of bed every morning. Do your makeup. Smile. Get through the day. And whenever you don’t feel up to it, just look at the boy who did this to you. Do you think he cried himself to sleep last night? Probably not. As a matter of fact, I’ll bet you that he’s doing just fine. So when you wake up and you feel like laying in bed all day, just remember that he has other plans. Girl, live your life, in spite of him.

Tell me you’ve had trouble sleeping. That you toss and turn from side to side. That it’s my face you’ve been seeing in your dreams at night. Tell me that you wake up crying, and you’re not sure exactly why. Tell me that something is missing in your life. Tell me that it’s not just me.

Sometimes late at night I think about all the things that have been, all the things that haven’t been and all the things yet to be. If my heart could explode into a billion tiny pieces and scatter themselves all over the world. If I could live on sunlight and the city sounds and fall asleep in those thousands of lighted windows. I wonder if this world will ever make sense to me, if I will ever truly understand anything… and if there’s really anything to understand at all.

I’m so lonely it hurts. I come back home from being around people all day, and loneliness crushes me. I can’t breathe. I can’t see. I can’t think. It hurts me so much, grinding my bones together and mashing my brain. You want to know the worst part? I can’t fix it. No matter who I talk to, no matter what I do, it stays. I have people I can talk to, but I never have anyone who can take away the loneliness. I just don’t. And it pains me.

You always told me to get high but now that I’m standing on this bridge you changed your mind. Now that I’m choking on what little oxygen you left me, you changed your mind. Now that I’m ready to get high you want me to come down. I’m only doing what you wanted and even that still isn’t good enough.

When someone loves you, the way they talk about you is different. You feel safe and comfortable

You know what your problem is? You get attached, fast. And once you’re attached to someone, you do everything you can to please them and make them happy. It’s never been about what you want, it’s always everyone’s needs before your own. You give out too many chances to people, who quite frankly, do not deserve them. They take advantage of you, and you become a pushover. But you’re okay with that, because they’re in your life and that’s all you ever really wanted. And even if they screw you over, you’ll still be there for them. Because that’s you, that who you are. Once you get attached to someone, they capture your heart and they always have a place there. And that is why it’s so hard for you to let him go.

I’ve never been in love before. For a long time I thought I didn’t have to capability to fall in love. I had stopped feeling. I was numb for a long time. Then you came into my life and you made me feel again. I opened myself up to you and you opened yourself up to me and it felt special. You felt special. I longed for you. I wanted you. I wanted to you tell me you had fallen for me the way I knew I had fallen for you. I wanted to touch you and kiss you and hold you close. “I think I’m in love with you” Those words. The words I had wished for. The words I had dreamt about… The words I wish you had never said. Ever since you did, all I feel is pain. They changed nothing because you will always love her more.

I’m a sad piece of shit with a kind soul and a big heart. I asked you not to ruin me. Why did you have to be so cruel?

It kills me but builds me at the same time. To see you with someone else doing everything I did for you but better. I love to see you smile. I love to see you laugh. But I hate it because I’m not the reason. I left you because I didn’t want to hurt you, but you hurt yourself. I love to see you happy, but not because of me. I want you to be happy, but not because of her. I want you to be happy on your own. I want to see you with me or no one at all. Why does happiness have to be so hard to achieve but so easy to lose?

Have you ever fallen in love with a song and put it on repeat for 8 days straight and literally bathed in it and memorized every word and breath and drum beat and guitar string and just married it because wow perfect and then overplayed it and got bored of it but still had a special place in your heart for it? I have.

You see that girl staring into space? If you were to ask her what’s wrong, she would say nothing, when in reality it’s everything. She’s sitting there wondering what she did wrong, what she would have done differently, how she would have changed it if she had the chance. And if she had the chance to go back and do it over again, would it end with the same result? That’s why she stares.