Rebel King

Although Bellamy had been here for several months now, it was still difficult to not remember everything that he had been through with Clarke .Bellamy  tried not to reminisce, but it was impossible. Although Clarke many times had told him she was proud of him, that did not disperse the pain. Leaving Clarke on the ground was a decision he’d take back in a heart beat, even if it meant leaving the the rest of the spacekru and himself to eminent death. Years ago when they took a day trip in search for supplies, Bellamy never admitted out-loud but a large part of him wanted to take Clarke and run. Even if it meant leaving behind others, much like his subconscious feelings had desired for the last years. But Bellamy could never do that, he couldn’t leave his people. 

 For Six years , Bellamy had forgotten  how to live and think with his heart, instead he thought with his head, the only way to survive, just as Clarke had said those years ago before they were separated. He had grown close to all of them in space and Bellamy would do anything for his friends, but they were not Clarke Griffin, nobody was. The spacekru had been there for him, and Bellamy needed remind himself  that when he found Clarke alive. It was easy to put her above everyone, as he had always done. But it couldn’t be like that anymore, which is what made her own decisions more heartbreaking. 

At first everything was simple. He was reunited with  Clarke and his sister. The two people for  years he had morned the most. In his dreams sometimes he  could envision Clarke’s voice. He wanted to believe she was alive, but how could she be.  Bellamy had accepted her death and  lived for her. He made decisions as he knew Clarke would  want, but when they  they  were forced back onto the ground and Bellamy found Clarke alive again, his world turned upside down. Unresolved feelings, that he still does not know how to handle. That peace didn’t last, once again they were thrusted into another war, only this time it wasn’t against the grounders but emotionally against each other and more importantly against Octavia. Clarke and Bellamy were out of sync for the first time..

Truthfully Bellamy wished he could completely forgive Clarke but he couldn’t.  Madi had told him of the radio calls but  Bellamy could let go of Clarke leaving him in the ring, where he could have died.  Once Earth was destroyed again they were forced into Cyro sleep for over a century. Although Bellamy was still angry with Clarke, when he woke up alone without her, all he has wanted to do for months is find her.  Ensure that she is alright. With the chilled breeze hitting against his cheek, an exhale of air parted from his lips.  His eyes glanced at the coolness of his breath. 

With his feet stepping forward, Bellamy pushed the door open to the grocery store. For the last two weeks he had been eating frozen dinners. His hours had been crazy but with three days off, he figured it was time to restock.  His dark hues noticed the busy aisle, As Bellamy walked down  the produce isle, his feet stopped briefly  with his hues glancing down at the list. After a moment, he  proceeded to walk but his arm clashes into ones shoulder. A heavy sigh parted and just as he was going to speak. Bellamy froze at a sight. 

“Princess” Bellamy spoke in a thick voice.  The words staggered unsteadily, His glance lingered on Clarke for a long moment, not wanting to look away, in fear  that this would be over and the reality  that she wasn’t here would once again surface. It was inconceivable that  he was looking at her, and it  brought slight ease to his mind. Every part of Bellamy wanted to embrace in a hug, but he couldn't 

Days and weeks had passed slowly.Sometimes at night, Bellamy envisions their past life before Primfaya. There was never a time where they just enjoyed Earth, except maybe the first few moments until Jasper got stabbed, and reality of what they had entered hit them. Bellamy can still vividly remember the day Echo had told him Octavia was dead. Those words had hit at him like a thousand knives cutting his heart. Although Echo and Bellamy were okay now and he trusted her, though it took  three years of in space together, there were somethings he’d never forget and that was hurting  his family, more specially his sister, Clarke and his people.

For the past several years Bellamy held onto  his last conversation with Octavia hoping one day to see her again. No radio, no contact; just his hope, knowing that Octavia was stronger than all of them.  With his feet approaching, Bellamy  grew speechless.  His movements turned casually, with his dark hues holding an elated glance on her.  The reunion was not as one would expect. It had been six years and although he had counted the days until he would see her again, Bellamy had also changed, he had to.   She had to. 

“O” Her name  departed from the brim of his mouth faintly “ Your here” The two of them had not always had the best relationship, especially after his actions that led to Lincoln’s demise and  even Octavia’s  own as a leader. Truthfully Bellamy wished he could forgive Octavia for everything she had done, but he couldn’t. She’d always be his sister and  as he promised his mom, he’d do his best to keep her alive, but Bellamy was uncertain about the relationship between the two now, if he even wanted one. There were some things you couldn’t forget and Octvia almost handing him over to death was certainly one. 

 The corner of Bellamy’s mouth tugged into a slight curl, at the question. His dark brown hues dropped, with his jaw pushing to the right. “  Having a drink.”  The words parted from his mouth in a thick tone of voice. Bellamy often teased Clarke about that drink they never had but in all honestly he drank very little.  Bellamy knew not even alcohol could take away the things he had done or seen. “ I have to be a leader.” 

– Maggie wouldn’t describe herself as an empath necessarily. She felt what others felt to a considerable extent, but the consistent trauma experienced during the end of the world hardened her into a soldier. Relating to each emotion served as the bane of a person’s existence, out there in the woods; a person had to watch their loved ones consumed by the undead and never bat an eye. Because the moment that they did was the same second that they, too, would be taken from the universe. “Bellamy, I’m…” Her voice meek, Maggie refrained from touching him even though she wanted to. The man’s entire orientation indicated that he needed his space, and she wouldn’t be the one to infringe upon it. She’d pushed him, and she was beginning to think then that she shouldn’t have. All she’d wanted was for him to recognize this new chance that he had with Clarke, an opportunity to start anew in Washington. And she knew better than anyone else, other than him, the kinds of trauma that he was feeling. For she’d lived through very similar horrors. And that kind of constant suffering made a permanent imprint on a person’s soul. “I’m so sorry.” Maggie tried to imagine how painful it must have been for her new friend to have blamed himself for the passing of Clarke; for six years, grieving a loss that he should not have internalized because it was not rooted in reality. To have her show up again, alive and relatively well, and then to have to assemble the pieces of his broken heart all over again. There was no instruction manual for that type of excruciating pain. When he mentioned that if he said that he loved her, he would lose her, Maggie’s eyes welled up with tears. She empathized with that nature and degree of loss, but Maggie also fundamentally disagreed with his statement. “They die either way,” she opinionated, dark hues threatening to spill over with emotion. But she held back that impulse because this moment was not about her; and yet, she could not resist how relatable it felt, to feel helpless and enslaved by your circumstances. Maggie comprehended all too well why Bellamy would not want a romantic attachment clouding his judgment when hellfire was raining down around him. “They die whether you tell ‘em you love ‘em or not. But at least if you do tell ‘em, they can die knowin’ that you cherished ‘em. They can die knowin’ that their life was your life’s best part.” It was impossible for Maggie not to think of Glenn then. To know that she’d never be able to kiss him, to hold him, to protect him. To tell him about her fears, about her dreams. How she’d have to raise two babies alone in Washington. Without voicing these thoughts, a select few tears painted her cheeks and Maggie wiped at them desperately. At the prison, she fantasized about giving birth to a child with Glenn squeezing her hand, with her father and sister there to support her. When they’d died, she’d hoped that Glenn would be there to help her to deliver in Alexandria. Following the line-up, she figured that she’d have the remaining members of her makeshift family. But in Washington? In Washington, she’d end up delivering her child on her own, on some lumpy mattress that was not her own, reaching to grab the edge of the bedpost rather than a loved one’s hand. She would be and was… alone. “You don’t have to say it,” Maggie told him then, attempting to meet his averted gaze at least one more time. “That’s up to your own discretion. But perhaps one day you’ll at least allow yourself to feel it. Even for a short amount of time. Because feelin’ that love, even if it’s fleeting….” Maggie shook her head lightly. “It’s everythin’. Especially when you have nothin’. It’s everythin’.”

Pursing his lips, Bellamy pushed his jaw to the side with his dark brown hues moving their gaze away from  the female. Silence sat between the two for a moment.  Bellamy dipped his head at the mention of war and all the sacrifices made. The idea that love made one stronger, was weak. You couldn’t think like that down here. “ Your right about one thing, People do die. No matter what I do, it’s never enough. I can’t save them.” His voice cracked in agony, with a narrow tear slipping down his cheek.“ As a leader it’s my resposibluty to put them first, but I can’t always do that, not when it comes to her.” Confusion and guilt  was evident in his tone. “ Had she let me I would have probably not made the very decision  I did. I would have left them all, and  went with her. That’s not a strong leader. I can’t think like that. “ 

  “ Feelings are hard for me.” The words pulled from his lips in a thick tone. The front of Bellamy’s teeth nipped at his his top , with another exhale  leaving. “ It’s better  to just worry about people, then think about ___”  His voice cracked, trailing off, with his lashes flickering marginally. Bellamy’s gaze  diverted down, once again staring at his folded hands. He didn’t want to think about this or even talk about it. He had grown very content with  how things were with Clarke, even if it ached at him everyday. He had  learned to accept it as it was. Not everyone gets a happy ending, not in war  and most certainly not leaders. Jaha taught him that. More times than  none, Bellamy really wanted to shove Jaha;s foot up his ass. The anger Bellamy still held over his mother being floated never escaped. To some extent  Bellamy had been able to forgive Kane for but not the chancellor. 

 “ Especially when you’v had to watch her be with other people, She made her choice  along time ago” Bitterness almost split from his mouth at the thought of Finn and Lexa. Knowing Clarke chose Lexa over her people  fested at his anger of the commander. The commander who left their people to die, but Clarke still chose her, chose her over him. Clearing his throat slightly, Bellamy shifted his neck but kept his  hues away from Maggie. More than anything,  he did not want to talk about this anymore. Pain of loosing her to Primfaya or the grounders only surfaced to his mind, pain that was irrelevant now. Pain Bellamy kept it tucked away. “ Your husband, did you meet him in war too?” Immediately, the male shifted the conversation back to the female.  He curved his neck back towards Maggie, with a softened gaze on her. Bellamy desired to drop the topic of Clarke. He was much better at talking about other people than himself. “ Sometimes I forget how to live, it’s just been about survival.”  The words fell fluidly from the brim of his mouth in a slight shrug.

\

“How in the hell would you know? No one asked me what i wanted, I just did what i thought would be best for wonkru, even if i broke it, but no one gave me another option. I didn’t want any of this.” As he spoke about Raven being his family she spins on him, tears slipping out of her anger filled eyes. “I was your family, Bellamy!” She screams, her voice breaking as the facade falls, and she presses her hand into her lips as she sobs. As he speaks of Lincoln she puts a hand up. “Just don’t. He’s dead. Nothing any of us can do.” She was broken, she always would be broken. She shook her head at his next words, making a werid face. “I stopped being a blake the second that bullet went through Lincolns head. Im no one.” 

“You think i actually would’ve?! The only reason i let your battle go was because i wouldve been killed, I would’ve been ran out if i hadn’t. I could never kill you or Clarke. No matter how many damn times she’s tried to kill me!” A vicious laugh escapes her lips. “Remember that?! Just like echo! Clarke has tried to kill me! The bomb on Ton DC, locking me out of the bunker! That was all Clarke! So forgive me for threatening to kill your damn princess once!” She falls silent as the tears fall down her cheek, only the rare sob left her lips for a while as she just stares at him as reality set it. “But you could lose me. I was expendable. I always was.”

As the following words left Octavia, Bellamy lowered  his eyebrows in a tight grimace. A heaved exhale of air split from both brims of his mouth. “ Maybe at first it was about Wonkru and the survival of the human race, as it has been since we have been on the ground..” Bellamy spoke in heavy but stern  tone. He paused slightly before proceeding with a further remark. “ I’m not going to pretend to know what those six  years were like in the bunker, but something changed it became more about you than making sure people were alright.”  A chastised expression stretched across the male’s face.“ You were willing to kill those who challenged you, That is not a leader O. it’s that is just like the ark, The very reason mom died! Is that what you wanted!” Intensity rising in his voice.  

“ Your right, you are my blood and in that sense you will always be my family, but who are we fooling Octavia?  We haven’t been family for a long time. You almost beat me to death  and not once have you ever apologized. You were also going to kill me, because I was not willing to loose another one of my friends, especially because of you. So don’t give me that crap about family.” Hurt ached in his voice. Feelings Bellamy had been holding  in for so many years were shattering like broken piece of glass. The  male’s irides faded to red with moisture filling his hues. “  I’m sorry Octavia. I am sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry! ”A  heavy sob parted from his mouth. Before the tears could fall, Bellamy flickered his eyes and sniffed slightly. “  There is not a day goes by that I don’t wish it was me with the bullet in my head instead of him. We both know you wish that too but I'm so sick of you throwing it in my face.”

 With moments passing, Bellamy averted his gaze eyes away, at the mention of Clarke vs Octavia. He pushed his jaw to the side, with another exhale leaving. There had always been tension between the two, and Bellamy had tried his best to tame it but after six years apart, with everyone different, it was nearly impossible. “ You were my sister, all I ever wanted to do was protect you. But it was never enough.” His voice cracked, thinking back to their relationship. Bellamy had always desired to be close to her, but Octavia never seemed to want it, not really. That pain years later still eats at him, even in his anger with his sister.   “Clarke is my best friend__” He paused stumbling with his words, thinking of the blonde. A small line of tears falls from his eyelid. “ She gets me  and is there for me, more than anyone ever has been, so again I couldn’t risk you hurting her.” 

It was times like these Clarke couldn’t help but reminisce over how far they’d gotten, just him and her. How different this Bellamy, expression achingly soft with his dark eyelashes fluttering and his curls spread across her chest, was to the one she had met on that first day on the ground, all fire and rage and bravado. They’d been so young then. She was innocent and stubborn and free. He was smug and wild and obdurate. Not that he still wasn’t, she mused as her fingers scratched soothingly at his scalp, her heart beating a treacherous rhythm as she gazed down at him, unable to mask the fondness she held for this man.

She never would have thought, that day, that very first day, she would be here. Her smile stretched into one of tender amusement as she thought of them then, fire in their eyes and acid on their tongues, so far from the partners they had become. So far from sharp muscles and soft curves melting into one on this couch. So far from her lips ghosting across his skin in a featherlight pattern. So far from her best friend, her partner, her other half. And she wouldn’t have traded it for anything.

Her heartbeat skidded as his body angled closer to her, breath pulled from her lungs as a hand, his hand, rose to rub at his eyes. She managed to tilt her head back just as his eyelids fluttered open, something caught in her throat and twisting in her stomach as his soft, dark gaze watched her, exhaustion combined with something else she couldn’t read. Or something else she was not brave enough to read. ( Something else she didn’t deserve. )

She let the moment pass with ease, her heartbeat still erratic as she rolled her eyes, half fondness, half exasperation. ‘God, you’re insufferable.’ But she did as he asked, shifting around him, something that might have resembled a blush rising to her cheeks with him so close, so painfully soft in his tired state. She swallowed down the emotion that bubbled at the concern in his groggy voice, her head deeming to ignore it. ‘Just go to sleep.’ Clarke murmured, her head coming to rest somewhere near his, unwittingly letting his even breaths drag her into sleep shortly after.

It wasn’t until after her eyes opened, dazed and disoriented, that she realized she should have listened to him, she should have left. But she didn’t think about that until after a tender, foreign smile tugged at her lips when her vision cleared and his soft features came into view. After his breath ghosted across her lips. After her eyes dragged down his face to the enticing curl at his own mouth. After his fingertips dipped beneath the hem of her shirt, pressing her much too close. She didn’t think about that until after, until her heart was soaring and her body yearned, until she wished she could see soft curls and hazel skin and tender smiles across her pillow every morning.

She didn’t think about that until it was too late.

She wondered if he could hear it, the pounding of her heart. Wondered if he knew it was beating for him. For the rare smiles, for the softness in his gaze, for the gruffness in his voice, tired and fond and murmuring her name. She wondered, in that distant way she only did when she was too dazed to stop it, if their hearts would ever beat the same rhythm. She reached out a hand before she could stop herself, fingers brushing back the curls that had fallen into his face, unsure about how long her fingertips smoothed over the dark strands. But as her eyes dropped back down, away from the way it curled around her fingers, a soft noise left her throat as she found brown eyes staring back at her. 

Blue eyes melted into brown for a long, silent moment, nothing but the sound of their breaths mingling, nothing but Bellamy. And she couldn’t avoid the way her heart ached, the way she leaned into his touch, making his fingertips drag across her skin, the way their legs tangled together at the end of the couch. She couldn’t ignore the want that bloomed in her chest and seared across her skin. She couldn’t ignore that, but she knew she couldn’t give in to it, either. Even if he let her, because he would, because that was Bellamy, giving and giving and never taking. But Clarke had taken so much from him, too much. So instead she just smiled, soft and maybe a little sad. ‘Hey, sleeping beauty.’ She murmured breathlessly, hoping he could hear it over the beating of her heart.

With the morning sun peaking through the window,a light groan skidded between both brims of Bellamy's mouth. Shifting his body to the right, Bellamy’s hues flickered open. He held a groggy gaze on Clarke.  “Hey Princess.” He mused faintly.  Bellamy’s thick eyebrows twitched into perplexity.  Most of the night was a blur, but he still distinctly remembers swaying Clarke to leave.“ You stayed here with me?”  The words crawled from his lips in surprise. Slight relief hidden under his breath.  Lifting his body up, a small smile tugged at the corners of his lips, while keeping his gaze on Clarke. The yearning desire for her was becoming more difficult to dismiss. As much as Bellamy convinced himself Clarke was his best friend, co-leader and nothing more, he knew that not to be be true. For years Bellamy had cared gravely for Clarke in silence. 

It ached at his heart when he thought of Clarke, but Bellamy would not allow his feelings to skewer his judgment, as it has done in the past. That is how people die, and he couldn't lose anyone else, especially her.  Thinking of  that possibility wrenched at his soul. Leaning in towards Clarke, Bellamy’s gaze melted into her eyes for a lingering moment.  “ I’m glad your here.” His cheeks flushed slightly, at the soft words pulling from his mouth. Tilting his neck inward, Bellamy’s head fell on Clarke’s shoulder. “ I feel a little better, thanks for that.” Moments like this were a rarity in their world, and  because of that reality, Bellamy would savor this for as long as he could. 

Extending his hand out, the tip of Bellamy’s thumb lightly touched the lateral of Clarke’s chin. “ You know when your not giving orders to me your not half bad to be around.” He mused jokingly, with the crook of his left mouth curling into a narrow smirk.“ You should smile more often.” With the words fluidly leaving both brims of his mouth, Bellamy awkwardly pulled his hand away. [ It’s okay to admit you love her Bellamy] Maggie’s words dancing in his mind repeatedly. A tense cough gusted from his throat. Shaking his head at the thought, Bellamy quirked his eyebrows down, once again ignoring what he  knew to be true. “ But uh, in all seriousness I’ve never really had anyone take care of me like that. so thanks”  Bellamy’s eyes averted their gaze away, as he nipped at his top lip, with nerves swimming through his body. 

His brown hues veered their glance down, until noting one of Clarke’s free hands. Silence  once again filling the space between the two.  Bellamy  reached his hand out for Clarke’s and  gradually interlaced his fingers into hers. The touch of her skin brought him solace, with his smile returning to both lines of his lips.  “Do you ever think about what your life would be like if I never came to the ground?” The question fell in a guilt stricken tone. Bellamy closed his eyes for a moment, taking his mind back to so many years ago. He was so young. “ Maybe some people  would still be alive” His voice cracked with pain hitting at his words. “ Or my sister, Octavia, Bloodreina, whatever you want to call her would be different.”

Bellamy still felt betrayal over everything his sister had done. Not just to him, but to  Clarke,Madi,his friends, the people who grew to be more his family than she had. From the moment they landed on the ground those years ago Bellamy blamed himself for what Octavia became, and was even convinced if he had been a better brother, she wouldn’t have turned into  Bloodreina. Now Bellamy is slowly coming to terms with the notion it was’t his fault ,but Octavia’s. War changed her dramatically, and Bellamy had to let her go. They were’t healthy for each other anymore. His eyes immorality opened again. “ I saw her last week.” Bellamy paused briefly. “ I don’t know if I can forgive her Clarke, not anymore.”

– Maggie nodded. She understood the agony of taking responsibility for the people who were lost. For each person bitten, she replayed in her head how she could’ve prevented their death. It flashed through her mind over and over again, like a broken record, and even sleep seldom brought her solace. It was not a remission from guilt, but a more creative manner in which her mind could taunt her, could blame her from the missteps of her actions. “It is not always your fault when someone dies,” Maggie told him. She thought of Rick, of the people who died when he made a false move, and even when he didn’t. She remembered the sleepless nights that he’d confided in her, when he told her how terribly he felt when he lost people. Maggie thought of Daryl, and how he blamed himself for Glenn’s murder. For a while, at least internally, she wanted to clock him in the jaw, to break it. All he had to do was sit still. And her husband would’ve lived to see the next day, to hold her hair up while she vomited over the toilet, to enjoy the bliss of most parents who feel their unborn’s first kick. But Glenn didn’t get to experience that joy. He didn’t get to experience anything ever again. “But sometimes it is.” She met Bellamy’s gaze once more, a flattened smile appearing there on her face. “I don’t know if you’ll ever move past the pain.” Andrea’s words floated from the grave, a phrase she’d overheard after Beth attempted to take her life, at the beginning of when things became chaotic. “The pain never goes away,” she told him. “You just make room for it.” Maggie listened intently as Bellamy described what Clarke had done for him, what she’d done for their group, their makeshift family that, Maggie expected, very strongly resembled her own. “You deserve every spare moment of happiness that you’ve received,” Maggie expressed. “And then some. Good people, the truly good ones, think that they deserve nothing at all. While the bad ones….” She paused. “The bad ones want everythin’.” The survivor skipped over his compliment; as of late, she hadn’t been talented at receiving them, and if she was being frank with herself, she was terrified of raising her and Glenn’s child alone. And it wasn’t because she thought that she couldn’t do it without him. It was because she didn’t want to do it without him. Because she didn’t want to fail their child, to fail Gracie. “You don’t just need Clarke,” Maggie said lightly. She wanted to give Bellamy permission to be honest with himself, at least once, in their spot in the woods, removed from the listening ears of Washington. “Say it. At least once. If not for her, then for yourself.” A sparkle appeared in dark hues. “Say that you love Clarke.” Maggie’s smile stretched just a tiny bit more. “Because you do love her, Bellamy. You truly do. And you never know when you won’t have the chance to say it again.”

“No I am their leader. It’s my responsibility to protect them and keep them alive. If they die, that’s on me”  Bellamy’s voice cracked in a guilt ridden tone, with a heavy exhale of air splitting from his lips.  There were so many deaths, and that ache of the inability to keep his people alive, tore at him.  Kane had once told Bellamy he did his best, but his best wasn’t good enough because people still died.  One death in particular that Bellamy thought about often was Gina. Gina was great, he liked being around her, but Raven was right, he had not been devoted to her the way she deserved. Instead, like always Clarke came  first, whether it was  before his sister, Gina or his people. Listening to the words of Maggie, Bellamy pulled one hand  away from the female. He sat in silence for a brief moment, before lifting both of his hands up and burying his face into his palms  

After a long moment Bellamy pulled his hand away, and once again folded them together.  With Maggie still mentioning his undefined and complicated relationship with Clarke , another thick exhale of air skidded from his lips. He was tired of thinking about it. He had come to terms to what they were, but  the constant question of their relations made no easy task to dismiss. Bellamy rolled his head to side,with his a few waves from his black hair falling into his eyes.”What does saying do? Nothing” The words departed from both brims of his mouth in a husky voice. “ She’s my best friend. Of course I  care about her.” He paused hesitantly before proceeding further with another remark. “I tried to stay with her, but she wouldn’t let me, She told me I needed to use my head” His vice cracked at the memory of leaving Clarke. “ I had leave her behind and for six years I thought she was dead. I mourned her everyday but I promised myself her death wouldn't be in-vain. We’d live for her” His voice  cracked again.

Bellamy shook his head, as his hair moved out of his face. “ But then I found her. I saved her from death. I was relieved but it was difficult to see someone you thought  was dead. I know I’m lucky because I know you’d probably do anything to have your husband back. But like I said, relationships aren't my thing. ”   Bellamy lifted his hand up, placing the palm on the side of his neck brushing it lightly. “ You tell me I need to say it. But I can’t. Every time I care about someone  they die. And if I say it ,just once  she might die too. I couldn’t take that. Not again. You have be strong down here to survive, otherwise your dead. That includes putting your feelings aside.”  Bellamy;s hues held a conflicted gaze on Maggie, but he continued with his words. 

He continued to stay angry at her and finally it got to her and she became pissed, falling behind her old facade of Blodreina, even though she promised herself never to go there again but it was better than showing pain and her whole demeanor changed, it was like she wasn’t even the same person anymore. “I fucked up. I know that Bellamy. No one gave me a better choice when i needed one so i became a damn product of my environment. YOU left ME to go and save Raven, when you could have stayed. We were just getting better again, I forgave YOU for getting Lincoln killed. The only person who truly understood me.” She turns to him sharply. “What do you want me to do?! Take Blake out of my name? Fine! Done! I’m just Octavia now. Dye my hair so i don’t look like you? Got it. You’re done with me, I’m not your sister anymore. That’s what you want right? Hell! You told me you wanted me to die, and yet, I never said that. You’re calling me, the heartless one.” 

when he mentions the war, her anger grows hotter and she scoffs. “Yeah, okay. I wanted us to have the last survivable peace of earth and diyoza was not having it. I SAW NO OTHER CHOICE. NO ONE GAVE ME ANOTHER CHOICE. YOU JUST DRUGGED ME.” Octavia wasn’t going to sit here and take this, she screwed up, shed admitted it. She apologized. She was trying to be better but if all anyone was going to see her as was blodreina, then fuck it. That’s who she’ll be. “You wont have to deal with me again, Bellamy. I’m not your problem. I’m not your sister. I stopped being that the day you told me to die.”

“ You didn’t want another choice Octavia.“ The words fell from the brim of Bellamy’s mouth in a thick tone, while holding a stony glance on his sister. At the mention of leaving Octavia for Raven, Bellamy’s heart dropped in guilt , with a saddened expression filling his hues. “ She is my family I had to go”  He spoke in a doleful but stern tone of voice. When they all made it back to the ground once again, Bellamy promised himself that nothing would change. Monty, Harper, Raven, Murphy, Emori  and Bellamy were still a team. Despite how much Bellamy and Octavia had drifted since Primfaya,it was still a difficult decision that needed to be made, but he would not leave anyone he cared about behind, not again.  Over the past several years, Raven  had become one his best friends, and he sure as hell would not have survived without her. She made loosing Clarke and Octavia a little more doable.

At her next words,his heart sank further, when  once again  the blame of Lincoln’s death came to surface. Bellamy’s brown hues  filled with slight moisture. He knew Octavia had never really forgiven him and probably never wold.“ I’m sorry. I don’t know how many times I have to say it.”  His voice cracked. There did not go a day that passed where Bellamy didn’t wish it was him who had the gunshot to his head, instead of Lincoln. Like Gina, he deserved better. Bellamy would forever be tormented by the death of his friend, a death he had never been able to truly mourn. He stood still silently for a long moment, while listening  to Octavia spat off at him once more. “ You will always be a Blake,” 

With moments passing, Bellamy shut his hues for brief moment, thinking back to when he drugged Octavia. It hurt him doing that,even if she was Bloodreina. “ You were going to kill Clarke!”  The words left his lips in an unsteady and tumbling tone. Bellamy;s irides turned to bloodshot red, with a line of tears rolling down his left cheek. “ I couldn’t loose her again” He swallowed hard, thinking back to the six years without Clarke. It had been hell. Clarke’s apparent death took a part of his soul with her for six years, and when she came back into his life, a sense of relief overwhelmed Bellamy. He wouldn’t let anyone, not even his sister hurt her. She was still his princess. 

Octavia dips her head a bit as bell mentions about Harper, Monty and Jasper. Her first two friends . The first two people she’d let down. Octavia knew she’d let her brother down, that she’d screwed up but she had no choice. She’d won a conclave, and suddenly was supposed to be able to lead. Every single time she told someone to give her a better choice, no one could, so how does this all fall back to her? She’d become a product of her environment and blodreina was a result of that.

“I can never forgive myself for all that i’ve done to you. Everything i’ve blamed you for.” Things that weren’t his fault. She’d blamed him for Lincolns death and that was the only logical one. “It’s nice they’re here too.” she stays silent for a second. “I lost myself, Bell.”

A detached expression extended across Bellamy’s face, at the words leaving Octavia’s lips. A weighed breath of air slid from his mouth, as Bellamy dipped his head in a stark nod. “ So you’ve told me.”  He responded stiffly, with his eyebrows crossed. Bellamy still felt betrayal over everything his sister had done. Not just to him, but to  Clarke,Madi,his friends, the people who grew to be more his family than she had. From the moment they landed on the ground those years ago Bellamy blamed himself for what Octavia became, and was even convinced if he had been a better brother, she wouldn't have turned into  Bloodreina. Now Bellamy has come to terms with the notion it was’t his fault ,but Octavia’s. War changed her dramatically, and Bellamy had to let her go. They were’t healthy for each other anymore.

 ” Where was that mindset when I was trying to bring peace between everyone”  His hues shifted to the side in hurt , with another breath of air leaving his lips. “ Who wanted a war O?”  The words dashed out in a wrecked tone, while trying to conceal his pain. Bellamy knew from the moment they landed on the ground they were  all thrusted into war, but he  still  could not disperse the feeling of anger towards his sister. His whole life had been dedicated to protecting her, only to have Octavia time and time mutilate him emotionally and even physically to some extent.  DC was different, there was no war, but Bellamy still was uncertain what the future held for his relationship with her. At the shift of the topic, the male dipped his head in another subtle nod once again. “  Yea, hopefully more will come.”