#⁹⁶ ʟᴇᴀɢᴜᴇ ᴏғ ᴀɴɢᴇʟs

’ You think you know a story, but you only know how it ends. ’ ’ To get to the heart of the story, you have to go back to the beginning. ’ ’ I cannot disguise my distress and unhappiness. ’ ’ Well, you’re going to have to. ’ ’ What about his legs? Are his calves strong like mine? ’ ’ Some people might think so. He certainly thinks so himself. ’ ’ Your Majesty… he’s French! ’ ’ As a humanist I have an abhorrence of war. ’ ’ It’s an activity fit only for beasts yet practiced by no kind of beasts so constantly as by man. ’ ’ As a humanist I share your opinion. As a King, I’m forced to disagree. ’ ’ You should know, you taught me. ’ ’ Do you really think we should go to war? ’ ’ I think we should try to do as the King wants us to do. ’ ’ What if the King doesn’t know what’s in his best interests? ’ ’ Because he endowed Universities? ’ ’ That victory made him famous. It made him immortal! ’ ’ There’s something deep and dangerous in you. ’ ’ Those eyes of yours are like dark hooks for the soul. ’ ’ You must be prepared to give him the thing you most care for. ’ ’ The thing I care for most is my integrity. ’ ’ Do you see that young woman over there? Dressed in purple and gold? ’ ’ After all, I am merely Your Majesty’s humble servant! ’ ’ That would make me very happy. ’ ’ Well, do you like it? ’ ’ Should I like something that accuses me of being cruel? ’ ’ Am I? You have no claim on me. ’ ’ I have the same claim as every other lover. ’ ’ You are a poet as I am a woman. ’ ’ Poets and women are always free with their hearts, are they not? ’ ’ You give us no choice but to attack and breach your defenses! ’ ’ No knight shall ever breach mine. ’ ’ What we lack in men, we can more than make up for in ships. ’ ’ We are in an island race, Cardinal. ’ ’ We have the best and bravest sailors in the world. ’ ’ Your highness must be looking forward with great anticipation to your wedding? ’ ’ I hear the king was a great horseman… in his time. ’ ’ Don’t tease me. I don’t like it. ’ ’ Will you like it when an old man tries to make love to you? ’ ’ Your grace goes too far. Already. ’ ’ Now you are blasphemous! ’ ’ Gospel says the truth will make you free. ’ ’ Your Grace, we shall drop our truth into the scales… and the scales will fall. ’ ’ I write poems, I don’t know how to be “a poet”. ’ ’ My Lord, I don’t know what to say. ’ ’ Of course I loved her, but from a distance. ’ ’ I ask myself why that should be so. ’ ’ Your Majesty, I’m certain he will rule in your favour. ’ ’ How dare you look at me! I am your Lord and Master, not your brother! ’ ’ You are both banished from court. ’ ’ You will remove yourself from my sight. Do you understand? ’ ’ I have yet to decide whether to make your bedmate a head shorter. ’ ’ I don’t think the English people would ever forgive him! ’ ’ I promise, I’ll take you as my only mistress. ’ ’ I won’t have a thought or an affection for anyone else. ’ ’ Look, I don’t mean he is banished forever. ’ ’ I don’t mean he is banished forever. Just as long as he breathes. ’ ’ You’re going away, why? ’ ’ Must you go? ’ ’ We little people must put our hands into the fire if invited to. ’ ’ Forgive me, I spoke of things I should not. ’ ’ For me, that is the true definition of love. ’ ’ I have an audience with His Majesty? ’ ’ Well, the King is plainly in love with you. ’ ’ What would a silly girl like you have to say to a king? ’ ’ How do you like your charge, sweetheart? ’ ’ It is your duty to use his love to our advantage. ’ ’ Diplomacy is nearly always settled by such proximity. ’ ’ I do not sleep with her. Not whilst you and I are still married. ’ ’ Ah! Your Excellence, allow me to introduce… ’ ’ Someone told me taking infusions was the worst thing. ’ ’ I didn’t see all of his game. Now I do. I despise him. ’ ’ I do believe you love as well and deeply… as any man. ’ ’ Your love is most generous where it is most hurtful. ’ ’ Your Majesty, I beg that you yield to the King’s will. ’ ’ You speak to me of chastity. ’ ’ Have you not a mistress and two children, Your Eminence? ’ ’ I could be seen to be acting against her conjugal rights. ’ ’ You think it’s nothing, to go back to bed with your wife? ’ ’ What do you think is going to happen? ’ ’ Let me make certain things plain to you. ’ ’ It would mean the total ruin of the kingdom. ’ ’ I hear you’ve been unwell? Is it true? ’ ’ Majesty, when was I ever unwell enough not to serve you? ’ ’ Have you no kind things to say? ’ ’ You treat me so unkindly and in public neglect me. ’ ’ The weight of academic opinion is against us. ’ ’ I don’t think anything, but I imagine everything. ’ ’ Do you… do you have a message from the King? ’ ’ You hate him like a scorpion. And why? ’ ’ Madam, you should never presume… ’ ’ You should not abuse the Queen’s honor with such language! ’ ’ Your Majesty must forgive me… ’ ’ I would rather see her hanged than acknowledge her as my mistress! ’ ’ Aren’t you supposed to be running the country? ’ ’ They’re all liars, hypocrites and middle-aged men. ’ ’ Would you prefer them to be women? ’ ’ Have I made you unhappy? ’ ’ I would only be unhappy if you ever stopped loving me. ’ ’ Madame, I pray you, don’t give way. ’ ’ No excellency, I shall never give way. ’ ’ I notice you allow yourself none of the trappings of your great office. ’ ’ Now, my love, let me conceive… and we will have a son. ’ ’ Can you not plead some indisposition? ’ ’ And then, I should be genuinely indisposed! ’ ’ It’s a pretty head in any case, and I don’t want to lose it either. ’ ’ Perhaps, one day this little girl will preside over empires. ’ ’ I’m not heartless, whatever some people think- quite the contrary. ’ ’ I could still do it. I could find a way to poison her. ’ ’ But, why should anyone ever know? ’ ’ No I wouldn’t. I’d die amartyr's death. ’ ’ You understand? You don’t act alone. ’ ’ You’ve never even seen a man being tortured, have you? ’ ’ I’m sure we both know the object that has brought us together. ’ ’ Will you take the Oath? ’

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’ How can you forget a guy you’ve slept with? ’ ’ I don’t like having anything inserted in my anus. ’ ’ I don’t think we’re in single digits anymore. ’ ’ I once dated a guy ‘cause he had a pool. ’ ’ I’d go over and get all cocoa-buttered up. ’ ’ Yeah, I was thirteen! And honey, you should have seen my tan! ’ ’ You dated Mr. Big. I’m dating Mr. Too Big. ’ ’ There isn’t enough wall space in New York City to hang all of my exes. ’ ’ Let me tell you, a lot of them were hung. ’ ’ It’s so not fair. All the good ones are straight… even the gay ones. ’ ’ I’ll admit I have had to polish myself off once or twice. ’ ’ I RSVP to a party, I make it my business to come. ’ ’ Well, I don’t know how you people do it. ’ ’ All that emotional chow-chow. It’s exhausting. ’ ’ What am I supposed to say? ’ ’ So what are we going to do? ’ ’ Okay, I’m definitely in the slow sexual group if even Charlotte is open to this. ’ ’ Can you have an affair with your own husband? ’ ’ We finally have the penis working. I don’t want to scare it. ’ ’ After years of odd men, God is throwing me a bone. ’ ’ You get married and hope for the best. ’ ’ I am sleeping and walking! Sleeping and walking! ’ ’ It’s the end of an era. ’ ’ I revealed too much too soon. I was emotionally slutty. ’ ’ The most important thing in life is your family. ’ ’ There are days you love them, and others you don’t. ’ ’ But, in the end, they’re the people you always come home to. ’ ’ Sexy is what I try to get them to see after I win them over with my personality. ’ ’ I could go to dinner with on Saturday night? ’ ’ Oh yeah, that one weekend I was bored. ’ ’ I showed him a boob in a coat checkroom. ’ ’ Soulmates only exist in the Hallmark aisle at Duane Reid Drugs. ’ ’ Yes, I’m sorry about it all. ’ ’ I found you in my apartment, fell down the stairs, and broke my tooth. ’ ’ Now not only have you ruined my marriage, you’ve ruined my lunch. ’ ’ Will you please not use the f-word in Vera Wang? ’ ’ Have you ever been in love? ’ ’ My shrink says thats a very common fear. ’ ’ Allow me to get right to the point. ’ ’ I have decided that this is the year I am getting married. ’ ’ Fuck me badly once, shame on you. ’ ’ Fuck me badly once, shame on you. Fuck me badly twice, shame on me. ’ ’ Oh, my god, she’s fashion roadkill! ’ ’ I’m a tri-sexual. I’ll try anything once. ’ ’ You men have no idea what we’re dealing with down there. ’ ’ Easy? Honey, they don’t call it a job for nothing. ’ ’ What’s the big mystery? It’s my clitoris, not the sphinx. ’ ’ I think you just found the title of your autobiography. ’ ’ Balls are to men what purses are to women. ’ ’ It’s just a little bag, but we’d feel naked in public without it. ’ ’ I said no white, no ivory, no nothing that says ‘virgin’. ’ ’ I have a child. The jig is up. ’ ’ I will never be the woman with the perfect hair. ’ ’ I blow you I feel like I’m flossing. ’ ’ It’s a slippery slope. ’ ’ Here, swear. Swear on Chanel. ’ ’ Oh my god, was that a Schoolhouse Rock I missed? ’ ’ I pretended to ignore it for as long as I did. ’ ’ I’m very sorry that you felt the need to come down here. ’ ’ I’m sorry that he moved to Paris and fell in love with me. ’ ’ I’m sorry he cheated on me with you. ’ ’ It’s you day. You get a day. ’ ’ Haven’t we all had sex with ______? ’ ’ They all involved going up my ass. ’ ’ Do any of you have a completely unremarkable friend or maybe a houseplant. ’ ’ Sometimes it’s the family you’re born into. ’ ’ Well, first of all, define recently. ’ ’ Have you given birth recently? ’ ’ I didn’t tell ________ I was pregnant. ’