drag me d o w n;

“If anyone were clairvoyant, it’d be her. She’d probably tthat as a compliment, too.” Payton laughed quietly. Her sister was an enigma most days, and from what she could tell, the only person who could figure her out was Seth. “Cullen, I —” She faltered. What was she going to tell him? She looked exhausted, haunted even, from her health plummeting recently, and there was no way to hide that from him after this visit. After taking a sip, she set her cup on a nearby table and then reached for his free hand. She felt horrible for keeping him in the dark for so long, especially about something so important. She closed her eyes and sighed as she composed herself. Forcing a smile, she looked up at him. She knew he’d probably see right through it, but she wasn’t ready just yet. “I’ve just been feeling under the weather is all. I couldn’t bring myself to shut you out of my life.”

Payton had spent the past several days either at the doctor’s office or in her apartment. She hadn’t had the energy to hold classes, resorting to emailing students their assignments. Only Dawson knew what was going on, and she’d grown up witnessing the ups and downs of her health. Payton hadn’t told Cullen what was going on for fear that he wouldn’t want to deal with another sick partner, nor did she want to worry him. When he showed up at her door, though, she knew she’d have to tell him. She closed the door behind him and walked around him to the kitchen, her slippers scratching across the floor as she did. “Dawson is, well,” she said as she poured two cups of hot tea, “Dawson. She’s very perceptive.” She made her way out to join him, handing him one of the cups. It was somewhat of a diversion, but she also needed a cup to tend to her throat more. “I’ve never been able to lie to her.”

No. She hadn’t heard that correctly, did she? She pursed her lips into a thin line, mulling over this new information. The idea had crossed her mind, of course, but she had always dismissed it. Her sister wouldn’t just make something like that up, either.  She wouldn’t tell anyone this news, naturally —though it would hurt her to keep something like this from Cullen. She was at a loss for words as she brushed hair out of her face and catered to the unrelated clammy perspiration accumulated in her forehead. 

“I don’t blame you,” she said quietly, trying to process everything. It certainly put a lot more into perspective about how she was acting when Andy died. She just hated that she hadn’t noticed because maybe she could have done something to help. She  leaned back with a heavy sigh. “What exactly do you mean? Did he —?”

“How did I miss this?” she exclaimed with an exasperated sigh. This had all gone on in front of her, yet she never noticed, which sent her thoughts into a whirlwind and caused her to be dizzier than she had been. She felt like the worst sister in the world even if she had somewhat of an excuse for not noticing anything. A thin coat of sweat was forming on her brow, and she quickly brushed it away, playing it up as pushing her hair back out of her face. “How long?”

Payton pursed her lips, unsure of what she had expected, but it certainly wasn’t that. She’d always thought Andy just wanted to distance himself as being the only boy and had different interests. And she and Dawson we’re always closer anyway. When he died, though, she wasn’t sure how to feel about it other than she was a little sad because she loved him out of obligation, and she couldn’t figure out how her sister had felt about their brother dying. “How? When?” she asked quietly in disbelief. She believed her sister, but she had trouble accepting that she had missed it all.

“We could do that, have a little getaway this summer in the Alps.“ Payton caressed his cheek, smiling. The idea of traveling with him made her giddy. "Or we could wait for a snow day this winter because that is inevitable,” she suggested. “Then we can spend some of the summer somewhere more, well, tropical, exotic.”

Although dinner had gone better than expected, the upcoming conversation was not one Payton wanted to have. Too much emotion would be involved. She just knew it. As Cullen was leaving, she told him to have his phone nearby just in case. She didn’t expect anything bad to happen per se, but if things got too uncomfortable, she’d probably want him to come get her. As Seth ducked into what she was assumed was his office, she joined Dawson on the couch, keeping a cushion between them.

Dawson had been dreading this. The dread had been slowly mounting and Seth’s reassurance throughout the day had not been as helpful as she wanted it to be. It was worse now that Payton’s newest boytoy was taking his leave and the sisters would soon be left to their own devices. Seth of course would slip away to his study, close enough but still all too far away. Dawson settled in on her couch, feeling jittery. 

“I suppose I could expect no less,” she said with a shrug. She’d not shot his ego down any notches, nor could she really. She smiled. “Let’s save that fireplace one for a snow day. For now, I’m content with offices, the library, airplanes, hotels…" 

“Could always rent a cabin for that too. Get snowed in. Spend the days doing the best getting snowed in activity,” he said with a smile. He liked how she thought. Her optimism and forwardness brought him out of his own darkness. 

“Only by a few years,” she said with an exaggerated roll of her eyes. When she had been a student, she thought their age different was far larger than it was. So much had changed since then. “Dare I say I don’t have much to complain about.”

“I pride myself in my low number of sexual complaints from women,” he said with a nod. He really did. Not many men could say that they possessed such a stellar track record. 

She laughed,straightening the collar of his shirt. “You make it sound like you’re ancient,” she teased. She had a feeling this could drift into a not so pleasant conversation, given how they bonded in the first place, and she wanted to keep the mood light. They could have a heart-to-heart later if they needed. 

“I am a bit older than you,” he said with a grin. “I don’t see you complaining about my expertise and worldliness.” He’d had a bit of anxiety about her and his performance. He’d had similar worries with his wife when they had started getting serious. 

She thought maybe she caught a flicker of something dreadful cross her sister’s demeanor, but she dismissed the thought almost as quickly as it came. She kept reminding herself that she be told what she need to know  .“Just text me the details and we can doing.“ 

Dawson nodded. It was going to be one of the more difficult things that she had done in her life, but she knew that it had to be done. “Just remember that I love you. I’ll let you know about everything.”

She hummed as she faux-pondered  his words. They were more like a challenge and one she’d happily accept. “Then they’ll see how it’s properly done,” she said with a shrug. “The risk is part of what makes it so exciting, so I hope you’re up for it.”

“Oh, I used to be plenty risky,” he said. Before he’d met his wife he’d had a great time sowing his wild oats, and after her death he had completely lost himself and had stumbled through in a whirlwind of possibly dangerous behavior.

“No, no,” she said with a laugh, “I really don’t think you are.” He was just a tough nut to crack is all. She’d figure him out eventually. She lazily rested her hands on his shoulders as she tried her best to maintain eye contact again. “What d'you say we cross your office off my list right now, though?”

 “I am okay with that, you just better pray no student or errant older teacher discovers us in the throes of desk related sexual passion,” he said with a sly grin. He was honestly impressed with how much initiative she took. “But I’m down with whatever you want, babe.”

“Once we get through whatever hiccup this is aince Andy died, you’ll feel better,” Payton said with a small, sad smile. There was no point in telling her she didn’t need to become a recluse in all the time because she herself had done the same thing. The closest she got to confiding in anyone was with Cullen, and even then, she’d not shared much pivotal information with him about anything really. “I think we both will.”

She even hated hearing his name. He might be dead, but she wished that there was a way to erase him completely from existence and from her memory. Dawson feared for a second that she was actually outwardly cringing. “We will.”