xNulLx

Kyo during Dir en grey "Ghoul" tour 2013 (original photograph by: Allen Ross Thomas) . Prismacolor color pencil on black paper

See more of my work here-

+I am a dreamer.  I have plans and ideas, but usually do not follow through. +Despite this, I’ve been making a lot of progress correcting this by writing down my ideas or “goals” in a tiny notebook.  One goal per page, or in my journal, I write big goals as a full page and smaller goals as half or a third of a page. When I’m bored, I flip through the notebook and see what I can do.  Some of these goals are as simple as baking some pumpkin bread or cleaning up my room.  Other goals are much bigger such as travelling to another country or advancements in my education or career.  Once you complete a goal, date it and tear it out of the notebook.  This is an awesome feeling and you’ll feel encouraged to do more goals

+I’ve switched my major *counts*... ok I went into college as a general liberal arts, then music performance in piano, then to fine art, back to liberal arts in science, back to art GOT MY ASSOCIATES (yeah not even bachelors), went into art education, back to fine art, then crazy decided FUCK IT DO CHEMISTRY AT STONY BROOK.  Now I am out of school until I figure out a path.  I know chem is not for me and I love art and teaching.

+you may look at that list as say “well stick with art, you seem to go back into art then leave it”.  This is due to a long history of low self esteem and confidence.  I have been making major progress in my mental health and have been able to practice drawing the most I have in 7 years.  

How I got help

I got help from my university’s counseling and psychiatric center.  After my first session, the therapist recommended medication.  I still opposed.  However the more he talked about it and answered concerns I had, I became eager to try medication as a new route to getting out of my scary moods.  The school’s nurse practitioner put me on Fluoxetine (generic Prozac).  I saw these therapists 3 times a week for a while (therapist, psychiatrist, group) and with the addition of the medication, I had started to feel changes.

Timeline

The first change from titration was a numbness.  Life felt a bit duller, my mood was flat and it was hard to be enthusiastic about much. This went on from after my dose went from 10mg to 20mg, the next increase to 30 mg, then the next to 40mg  this was over the course of the first three weeks.  I did not like the numbness.  I felt that it was scary to have a feeling of flatness and not enjoy my boyfriend’s company or enjoy games.  During this time, though, I did notice my anxiety was not a concern as it was before.  If my mom did anything to make me mad, I wouldn’t go into a depressed fit from it.  If work was stressful, I didn’t feel the need to hide and cry.  I saw this as improvement and stuck with the medication.

the next titration step was from 40mg to 60mg at week 6 i believe.  I felt better from knowing my anxiety was under control and I wouldn’t have to worry about any “what if” scenarios that would cause me to panic.  One day it sort of clicks.  You notice that you start appreciating things more, your attitude on things changes.  Something bad happen;  like you get cut off on the road, stuck in bad traffic, or almost set your kitchen on fire?  These were all no longer triggers to a spiral of negative thinking but more of an inconvenience which I could easily think past within a few minutes of it being over.  I remember a period where I was sensitive and appreciative of the people around me.  One session of group was very intense and I ended up crying after I left and calling my boyfriend and ex boyfriend to apologize for any strain my depressed thoughts or actions have put them through What have I done since feeling better

1.I started to feel motivated to go back into jiu-jitsu.  I had taken a leave for 2 months in order to adjust to the medication because I always felt nervous and skittish in martial arts. Now that I am back, I have a very different attitude on and off the mat.  I know I am very close to my blue belt and it’s been driving me to work very hard during rolling.

2.I made a notebook full of mini goals and big goals.  Whenever I complete a goal, be it “bake pumpkin bread” or “graduate with a Bachelor’s Degree”, I rip it out of the book, date the paper and put it in a safe place to look back on all the completed work.  Its good on days you dont know what to do.

3. I have been aggressively applying to jobs.  One night I remember sending out 25 email responses to job positions.  I got many responses back and had gone to 6 interviews. 

4.  I now consider mental health to be one of the most important things you can do for yourself.  I had to withdraw from my semester.  I thought I would be able to finish the semester, but two of my four classes I was slacking in and withdrew 2 weeks before the end of the semester. You can say I wasted $5,000, but I feel I got so much help from my university’s counsiling center that I firmly believe it was worth it.    I feel the happiest and most motivated I’ve felt probably since I was 15.

5.  I’ve been a lot nicer.  I used to think I was nice before. I now think that came from a place of being intimidated or scared of people not liking me.  Now I genuinely feel nicer because I feel good and don’t worry as much about someone judging me or something i say.  I also have a bit more of a personality/jokey when I talk and am less afraid of coming off as a strange person.

6.  I’ve been eating more vegetables.  I never used to eat leafy green vegetables.  Lately I’ve felt even better with the addition of nutritious foods to my diet.

ADVICE TO ANYONE WHO DOES NOT FEEL 100%

1.  TALK TO SOMEONE= A parent, a friend, a teacher, a professor, a councilor, an online forum.  Connect with someone because you never know what other people have gone through until you talk to them.  Maybe they have advice for your situation because they went through something similar or know someone else who has, or they can refer you to someone. You are not alone.

2. I am glad I tried to change my habits before I took medication.  I recommend anyone to change any habits you know need to be changed.  Maybe those changes are all you need to feel better.  Less junk food, more vegetables, sleep earlier, wake up earlier, have an exercise routine, better hygeine; these are all examples of what can be changed to make you feel better. If you still don’t feel well, talk to someone.  Changing my habits before medication made everything seem to click once I was at the correct dosage.  

3.Always tell your therapist or psychiatrist any concerns you have.  Tell them any herbal supplements you take (like St. John’s Wort) and how it affected you.  They will let you know what you can and can’t do if you are given a medication.  Take the dosage amount and time when the doctor tells you. Any problems, talk to them, even if its before your first dose.  Ask questions and how other patients have felt on it.