☠Dreamer

I feel ignored and even tho I know I'm not being left aside, I feel like I dont belong there. Im just an intruder.. I'm not part of anything anymore and that makes me so, so sad... Because I did this to myself by doing horrible things. I know I'm being selfish, im not thinking straight but since when have I feel this way I wonder??? I brought this to myself. I should do something with this feeling. Talking about it with someone won't do and those feelings of running away from life had being frequently guests in my mind. I don't want to so anything stupid, I dont want to ruin it. Sólo quiero saber qué puedo hacer con toda esta soledad... Con este vacío que nada llena. Con esta tristeza que quiere comerme entera.

I want to be noticed and at the same time I find myself being passive aggressive when they found out. I want to be unknown because that way they'll be keeping their distance and we won't hurt each other. I want to be recognized by those people whom i think the best of. I want to be loved but I find myself so ugly, so full of regrets, full of sadness that I dont know if I should keep going. I want to be myself, but everytime I try is just like losing a battle within me, because I dont have any kind of idea what "myself" has as a meaning. What do I like, what do I hate, what would be different if I wouldn't have run away, what would've been the same??? I know I shall not run again, that's a mistake I'm not going to repeat, but that doesn't mean I'm being the way I want to... And if this keeps going I dont know what will I do next.