this divine alchemy of the self

new hair growth on my cheeks, mustache, neck, chest, belly, shoulders, and back

very oily skin, lots of breakouts

voice has gotten a little lower since my three month mark—not as significant of a drop in some prior months

hunger and libido are still greater than they were pre-T, but feel more manageable than they did in the earliest months of my transition. appetite fluctuates wildly

still getting pretty bad bloating

gained notable muscle definition in my limbs

lost some of the curves i used to have in my torso—i’m less hourglass-shaped and more straight-lined

put on a few pounds—not sure if it’s fat, muscle, or water weight, don’t care to concern myself with it

blood pressure, blood oxygen saturation, heart rate, and heart sounds were all normal as of a recent doctor’s appointment

still no period since november—i think i can safely say my menstrual cycle has shut down

suffice it to say i’m struggling pretty severely with my mental and chronic illness symptoms—not sure if this has anything to do with the T but i’ll mention it when i go into my clinic for labs this coming tuesday

on the bright side my shot anxiety is pretty much completely gone, it’s become so routine at this point i barely think about it

i’ve been breaking out in a major way lately—i think it’s because i’m getting some new facial hair growth. there’s nothing whatsoever wrong with having acne, but i’ve had a rough time with my mood and anxiety lately, which has led me to backslide in some of my compulsive skin picking habits as my acne has picked up. :(

if anyone else living with OCD or a BFRB happens to be reading this and has any good tips for how to manage those behaviors in the context of HRT specifically, i'd love your advice.

on the bright side, i’ve been trying to eat less salt and sugar this past week, and i’ve seen a marked improvement in the bloating and swelling i talked about in my three month update. it’s hard to be conscientious about what i’m eating when my body is just yelling at me that it’s hungry all the time, and harder still to walk the line of keeping a reasonable eye my intake of certain foods without falling into unhealthy patterns of restriction, but i’m trying to make it work.

i don’t eat wheat products (gluten intolerance), and i am technically pescatarian, but i’ve also been avoiding dairy and eggs lately because i think they might upset my stomach, so working within that… i’ve been eating mostly 

lots of veggies (especially greens, i try to include one in every meal)

certain grains/cereals (corn, rice, certified GF oats, amaranth, sorghum)

legumes (black beans, chickpeas, lentils)

fish (mostly tinned tuna, anchovies as a treat)

soy-based protein (tofu and tvp, tempeh as treat since it’s pricier)

moderate amount of fat (avocado, nuts/additive-free nut butters)

fruit when i’m craving something sweet (bananas are my go-to)

protein shakes (when i’m working out, hungry but experiencing GI distress, know i need to eat but have no appetite etc.)

in short, trying to get lots of protein and fiber—and not neglecting fat

i’m also trying to eat more regularly throughout the day, instead of having only a snack or two in the morning/afternoon and then eating like crazy at night. (i’ve heard it claimed that this is not uncommon for people with ADHD? T has only made me more guilty of it.) i have never in my life been a breakfast person but i’m trying to get into it. prepping a big batch of a light snack like popcorn and keeping it on hand all day also helps.

skin and hair:

my skin didn’t seem terribly oily for the first half of the month—i felt like my acne subsided a bit during that time—but during the second half of the month my acne came back very proliferously on my cheeks, chin, shoulders, chest, and back

coinciding with the resurgence of my acne i noticed lots of new facial hair—i have what looks to be the beginnings of new terminal hair not just bridging my sideburns and goatee but totally covering my cheeks, which i am super excited about. steadily seeing more hairs on my belly and chest, which are starting to connect, and darkening hairs on my limbs

voice and body:

noticed a definite voice drop this past month—it happened kind of suddenly too

my hunger/appetite has been INSANE. i know i’ve mentioned it in several previous posts but it’s only grown since them. it is almost, not quite but almost, uncomfortable at times, and far more difficult to ignore than hunger i experienced pre-T. it’s hard to have a regular meal schedule because i always feel like i need to eat

i’ve experienced some degree of gastrointestinal bloating basically every day this month, and swelling in other parts of my body too—some puffiness in my ankles and, to a lesser degree, in my face. i’d been attributing this to my chronic illness, but recently my partner made me aware of something i hadn’t known when starting HRT: bloating/swelling due to water retention actually seems to be a commonly reported and somewhat studied phenomenon among people taking T. anecdotally i’ve seen a lot of people who experienced this kind of bloating say it starts to subside around the 6–8 month mark, so hopefully it won’t stick around for too long

reproductive:

really noticed bottom growth this month—not that it necessarily sped up but just that it’s steadily continued to the point that it just feels/looks very different (not complaining)

it’s now been over ten weeks since my last period so i am going to assume that i have stopped menstruating (not complaining!)

mood and energy:

i have felt pretty consistently tired this past month. my fatigue doesn’t necessarily stop me from completing my day-to-day responsibilities, but it does make it harder to get stuff done sometimes. i’ve been sleeping a little more—i don’t really take naps but i have been falling asleep earlier (sometimes just by accident, like i’ll pass out on the couch after dinner) and also having trouble waking up in the morning

i’ve definitely been struggling with my mood for the past couple of weeks. i’ve felt generally low on many days, and experienced dramatic mood swings on others, where i’ve gone from feeling energized and in good spirits to tired and deeply sad in a matter of minutes, sometimes with no apparent trigger. i’ve continued to deal with flares of irritability, though they don’t impact the way i behave or engage with others—i just find myself easily frustrated a lot.

gonna leave this post with a shorter summary than i’ve left on other monthly updates. while my first two months of HRT went by very smoothly, i’ve definitely hit a point where i’m starting to experience some of the less pleasant physical and emotional effects of T—some of which i was anticipating, some of which i had no idea could happen as a result of the hormones. 

hair and skin:

my acne has been a lot less proliferous—i’ve been a little lazy about washing my face the past couple of weeks since i’ve had so much going on but i still haven’t noticed that much new acne, only a few spots here and there

i felt like new terminal hair growth was a little slower around my ninth/tenth week marks, but then i noticed some new hairs on my cheeks, chest, belly, and legs just a couple of days ago. my mustache in particular has also filled out a lot

body:

my voice is not cracking much right now. to my ears it’s seemed pretty stable for the past couple of weeks, though my partner has told me it sounds like it’s continually dropping to them. i am again feeling the tickling/irritation in my throat that preceded my first major voice drop, so maybe another is in my near future

this is super specific but in terms of fat redistribution i noticed recently that my mons pubis is way flatter. in general i feel like i’m noticing the fat on my body moving towards the front/center of my belly and away from most other areas

i’ve been so... so... hungry... it’s almost scary sometimes. i’ve said this in a previous post but i really must be eating two or three times as much food as i used to in a day. i don’t know where it goes. i don’t really seem to be gaining or losing weight outside of gradual muscle development

reproductive:

very aware lately of how much bottom growth i’ve seen—without getting too descriptive i think i’m about twice as big as i was pre-T

my sex drive has generally fluctuated alongside my fatigue and was notably a little lower during my ninth/tenth week but has felt a bit higher again this week—both in the sense of general physical arousal and in the sense that i feel more actively attracted to other people lately

the period i’d expected to have in january never came. it’s been over eight weeks since i got the first and only period i’ve had while on T. i am wondering if it’s safe to assume i’ve stopped menstruating—it’s hard to say because, as i’ve mentioned before, my cycle was always irregular to begin with

mood, energy, etc:

emotionally i’ve been a little all over the place lately, feeling some very high highs and low lows, though i think that could be due to changes in my life circumstances as much as it could be due to the hormones

noticing that i cry a little less than i did pre-T, which is not saying much because i used to cry at the drop of a hat

continuing to deal with spikes of irritation now and again, which are still very manageable

i’ve had some persistent low-level psychotic symptoms for the past couple of weeks, mostly minor visual/auditory disruptions, nothing too intense/out of the ordinary for me

if you’ve read through my older posts you might recall that my first couple of shots went very well, and i hardly had any nerves about them as a result. unfortunately, over the course of the weeks that followed, i had a handful of very minor mishaps when it came time to do my shot, and those created a bit of an anxious association with the process.

i wasn’t intellectually bothered by the idea of giving myself an injection, since i’d done it before and knew it wasn’t hard or painful, but i started to have an automatic nervous response when i was about to put the needle in my skin. my heart rate would speed up and my hands would start shaking, and because of my jitters my shot would hurt a little—never more than a quick sting, but enough to reinforce that same anxious response the next time around.

i decided to try a few new things while doing my shot today and found that they significantly minimized my anxiety and improved the experience of injecting, so i thought i’d share!

i’ve come to realize that the smell of the alcohol wipes i use to sanitize my T vials and injection site makes me anxious, so i lit a little incense and a candle i really like to block it out and provide a relaxing scent

to get some fresh air, and to keep myself from getting too hot and ending up with sweaty hands (happened to me once, which made my shot painful), i opened a window and took off all my clothes except for my underwear. i laid out a cherished sweater and sweatpants to put on immediately after my shot

i left the radio on while i drew the shot, to have something to pay a little bit of attention to other than my anticipation

one thing that i’ve found has worked for me in the past couple of weeks is to do something in between drawing and injecting, instead of doing it all in one go, so i decided to continue with that habit. in the past couple of weeks i’ve taken a shower to relax during the break, but this time i decided to do something different—i quickly finished up an inquiry about a job posting i’d seen online and sent it, which required my full attention and took my mind off of the shot entirely

after that, i played some music—i’d heard a kaki king song on the radio a couple of nights ago that i thought was pleasant and calming, so i found it and put it on—while i prepped my injection site and band-aid

i carefully took the shot in my hand, uncapped and ready to inject, and, with music still quietly playing, i put on a one minute meditation program i had already pulled up—npr has one here, which they play throughout the week and which i already like—and i meditated alongside that, focusing on my body and calming myself

as soon the meditation was over, and before i had time to think about it any further, i pinched my injection site, counted down from three on a deep breath in, and injected on the exhale

once i’d taken the needle out and discarded it i put on my sweater and sweatpants and closed the window so i could get warm and comfortable

skin:

skin is not much oilier than it was last month—i alternately have episodes where i’m breaking out and periods where i don’t have much acne—it’s still mostly just small, painless whiteheads, which go away pretty quickly if i wash my face and otherwise leave them alone

skin is slightly thicker—i’ve noticed i have to use a little more pressure when i do my shots now

nails are thicker and grow faster

hair:

twice as much fully grown terminal hair in the middle of my chest and belly as i had last month, with baby hairs coming in ALL over those areas

hair on my limbs is darker and denser

gaps in my goatee and sideburns filling in and those parts of my facial hair beginning to connect to each other/my mustache, with baby hairs all over my cheeks and chin

mustache is thicker (loving it)

almost positive my eyebrows are thicker (loving that too)

voice:

huge drop—my partner pointed out to me recently that it is now deeper than the voices of some cis men we know (talk about an ego boost!)

more fry to it—it’s kind of buzzy, not as smooth as it used to be

it’s leveled out a little and isn’t cracking as much as it was a couple of weeks ago

in the past day or two i’ve also begun feeling the slight tickling/irritation in my throat that i felt before it started dropping the first time, so i’m wondering if i should expect another big drop soon—we’ll see

body:

definite fat redistribution/loss and muscle definition/growth all around

chest has become very flat

shoulders and pecs have gotten wider, hips narrower—my frame is more “masculine”

thighs are a little slimmer—they used to be thicker at the top and taper towards the knee, but they’ve become a little more cylindrical/even in width across the length of the thigh

butt, god bless, does not seem to have gotten any smaller

still hungry all the time though my appetite has waxed and waned throughout the chronic illness flare i’ve been dealing with

pretty persistent cravings for certain foods—eggs, nuts, tofu, nooch, hearty green veggies, very spicy foods, sometimes chocolate

reproductive:

continuing to see bottom growth—not as explosive as it was my first month on T (really the amount i saw in the first few weeks was… astounding) but still continuing steadily (very happy with it)

not sure if my menstrual cycle has ceased—it’s now been over six weeks since i started my last period, so i’m certainly overdue by most standards, but my cycle’s always been irregular, so i’m not counting it out as a possibility (will update this post in the future to reflect whether or not i get my period in the next few weeks)

mental/emotional:

continuing to experience periodic irritability, still totally manageable

baseline mood/general anxiety level are BETTER than they were pre-T, easily, which i’ll talk a little more about below

minor uptick in episodic anxiety, some of my obsessive/compulsive behaviors, and some of my psychotic symptoms, but i’m certain these are all stress responses re: current life events, not effects of the T (and all things i am managing safely with the help of a therapist)

i am having a lot of trouble sleeping, but, again, i think this is stress- and also chronic pain-related

misc:

i am almost exclusively gendered as male in public now, even when i’m wearing my mask, which is wild. while i don’t identify strictly as a man, i will say that it’s still comforting/affirming somehow to see the way my gender is being read change as i continue to take T

lastly (verbose! schmaltzy! you’ve been warned):

the confidence/comfort T has afforded me has made... everything... easier. i was aware of my dysphoria pre-T, obviously, but i feel like i’ve become so much more aware of the extent to which it was affecting me now in contrast as T brings about the changes i’ve always wanted

the insecurity i used to have about the sound of my voice, which was always at the back of my mind when i talked to others—it’s just not there anymore, and in its absence holding conversation has become so much more natural and pleasant. it feels easier to laugh, share my thoughts, assert myself; i don’t hesitate to say things as much as i used to. i feel at ease interacting with people in a way i haven’t before—like something has just clicked

the insecurity i used to have about my appearance—i really feel it fade a little more every time i catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror. sometimes it’s a burst of euphoria upon noticing something new; sometimes it’s a tickle of anticipation as i consider how many more changes i will see in the coming months; sometimes it’s just a calm sense of, “alright, that’s right.” so so corny but i walk a little taller, little lighter

you can see the beginnings of fat redistribution away from my chest and hips, as well as a little bit of muscle development in my chest, shoulders, and arms. i’ve been pretty committed to consistent upper body strength training in the past few months so that’s definitely a big part of it, but nevertheless i feel like my body’s changing faster than i expected (not a problem in my book!)

i feel like i’ve noticed that the growth of new terminal hairs on my body is usually preceded by intermediate hairs which are clearly not vellus hairs but not immediately as dark or thick as most body/facial hair.

on my face, i’ve gotten some hairs which were light in color and didn’t grow much at first, but were stiffer than vellus hairs, which then became darker and started growing more quickly along with the rest of my facial hair. on my chest and belly, i’ve gotten some hairs which were fine in texture but clearly darker than vellus hairs at first appearance, which have since grown to become long and coarse like the rest of my body hair.