The Beauty of Humanity: Qi Sili (Sariel) Character Exploration
This is the first time I'm posting on Tumblr in my entire life. I know there is barely a global Light and Night community and that virtually no one will read this but I wrote this out of pure love and passion haha (if anyone does actually read this post, I hope you have an amazing day, week, month, year, and that your gacha pulls are blessed). I've only started playing this year and have only read around the first year or so of content so my understanding may be outdated, and everything written here is my personal interpretation.
Translation for the quotes are all by @aishangotome ā”
As someone who was born and lived hundreds of years as a fox before taking on a human form, Qi Sili had to learn and adapt to human behaviour. He was puzzled by all of the unwritten social rules and expectations that humans created for themselves and had to abide by for seemingly no reason other than to fit in. What was the purpose of all of these rules? What was the purpose of war, and what was the purpose of him being summoned to lead these humans into battle? So what, just because he was told that fighting in war was his life mission granted by the gods, he would simply accept it? No. Qi Sili has always been seeking for an underlying purpose to peopleās actions, trying to make sense of why people do the things they do. He needs a solid reason to be able to accept something.
Human behaviour is confusing, but their reasons for waging war are also straightforward.
They want to own the land, so they build high walls. They want to go to more places, so they continuously wage wars. Once understood, humans arenāt difficult to comprehend. (6* Card éæé£å¹å½»)
However, this straightforward line of reasoning still isnāt convincing enough to explain why people wage war. It doesnāt answer a few questions, such as, do humans really find satisfaction in endlessly conquering land, instead of prioritising human lives? Do humans really feel victory through defeat? Qi Sili experienced the highest highs and the lowest lows of humanity on the battlefield, witnessing friends who initially vowed to never kill ending up with blood on their hands. His friends didnāt feel victorious after killing; instead, he was witnessing them lose their liveliness with each life they took.
This was the first time I understood the difference between victory and defeat, life and death. Humans could not feel victory through defeat, but they could feel life through death. (6* Card éæé£å¹å½»)
Killing people never evoked joy, but witnessing death brought feelings of grief, loss, and devastation. Human reaction to death reminded Qi Sili of how full of life his fellow soldiers were before they entered war. He didnāt want them to further lose their humanity and become a shell of who they once were. Instead, he wanted to protect these fragile, yet precious, hearts of human beings.
Itās precisely because he isnāt human, that he felt the responsibility to preserve othersā humanity. He viewed himself as a separate entity from other humans, therefore he took it as his duty to protect them by sinning in their place instead. For someone who has always been searching for a purpose, he immediately adopted this as his ultimate purpose in life. The problem is, he wanted to do this because he cared deeply for them. This fox had also learnt how to feel emotions, just like humans.
He only wished that these men wouldnāt lose all traces of themselves. If someone had to kill, he would be that person. If someone had to die because of it, he would be that person too. He would bear the weight of those sins, one by one, throughout his long life, until he was no longer himself. (6* Card éæé£å¹å½»)
Everyone else around him eventually died, but he was immortal. As the sole survivor, he was the only one that could carry memories of his fallen comrades into the future, carry the weight of their sins, and fulfil the wishes and desires that they never got to see to themselves. He carried out these duties, ultimately fulfilling the purpose he was always searching for, but now he was left with a void of emptiness. A life without purpose wasnāt worth living, but as an immortal being, he couldnāt even die, no matter how hard he tried to.
Just like the soldiers he was committed to honouring who felt life through death, he felt the same pain thousandfold, and the source of this pain was his emotions. He may have originally been a fox, but what makes someone uniquely human? Their ability to feel emotions, whether itās the pain of death, or loving and caring for others. This fox had also become a human, but he didnāt want to accept it. Human emotions were simply too painful to bear.
When he first took human form, Qi Sili thought the royal city was much more interesting than Mount Kunlun. People cried when they were happy, cried when they were sad, laughed when a new life arrived, and drank and made merry when someone departed. How strange. Once he understood them, he would feel these emotions too, he thought. He learned quickly. It wouldnāt be long. Qi Sili didnāt know that when that day came, he would wish he was still an ignorant fox. It was too late. A beast turned human could never go back. (6* Card éæé£å¹å½»)
Since he couldnāt die even after multiple suicide attempts, he resorted to what seemed like the next best solution: escaping pain by chasing pleasure. In fact, his extreme sense of responsibility was so burdensome that it led to no sense of responsibility at all. By endlessly gambling and drowning his sorrows in alcohol, the pleasure he gained was through numbing his painful memories and emotions, bringing him to feel closer to death. However, these impulsive, hedonistic actions still never satisfied him, because they didnāt bring him purpose.
No matter how he tried to stimulate his senses with sights, sounds, smells, and tastes, they slipped away like running water, unable to linger in his empty heart for even a moment. (6* Card č§č§ę„天)
He couldnāt continue with this unfulfilling lifestyle, so he felt like he needed to find something to be responsible for again. Perhaps abandoning his past and forging a new direction in life could bring him the sense of purpose he had lostā¦ which brought him to pursuing fashion design.
Perhaps I could create a brand, one that had nothing to do with the Qi Sili of the past, one that belonged solely to the new me. I named this brand Vesi. It represented not just new life, but also a sense of hope and longing. (6* Card 触ē®å¦ę
)
Qi Sili believed that the way to moving on was forgetting about the past. Seemingly, the more he moves forward, the more distant he can grow from his past. His newfound sense of responsibility is observed by him living a minimalistic and ascetic lifestyle, eating a simple and clean diet, and not overindulging in temporary pleasures like he used to. Forgetting his past is like following a ray of light, giving him hope for the future.
āLife itself is inherently unfair. Everything will have a result you have to accept. Surviving isnāt about redemption or reconciliation, but about forgetting.ā (Main Story 7-21 Night Ending)
Notice how he says surviving, though? To survive is to forget, but is he really living? While losing his memories, he has also been degenerating and getting closer to death, yet he finds comfort in that. The ray of hope that he has been following is just leading him closer to his demise.
Despite this, he does indeed have a new sense of responsibility, which is reflected throughout his philosophy as a designer. He has maintained his strong sense of individualism and encourages the same freedom of expression in everyone else.
āFashion is not for the purpose of standardising aesthetics or creating divisions between people, but rather to enable everyone to face themselves squarely and accept themselves. Everyone has the freedom to become themselves." (Main Story 1-01)
Itās ironic of him to say this though, because as someone whoās constantly running away from his memories, his pain, his emotions, and consequently his humanity, has he ever faced his true self yet? And as much as he advocates for freedom of expression, he also criticises MCās designs for being too imbued with personal emotions to the point they lose their functional value.
āI donāt know why the personal emotions are so strong that it loses its significance as a hat itself.ā (Main Story 1-16)
While he has always been interested in human emotion, he now believes that emotions hinder function. In the past, his strong emotions caused his hedonic downfall to the point where he was unable to function, so now he believes that emotions cannot exist healthily on their own apart from functionality. Yet again, this shows he has still not completely moved on from the past.
āGood works are a combination of function and aesthetics.ā (Main Story 5-03)
He also believes that designers should be guided by function, manifesting in a distinct purpose. This purpose serves as an overarching structure that imposes limits so that one doesnāt impulsively follow their whims, emotions, or heart, at any given moment.
āThe most important thing for a designer is to know why they are creating. Rather than daydreaming all day, thinking about how you can soar higher, perhaps youād be better off first learning how to walk.ā (Main Story 1-16)
Yet again, he continues to project his past experiences onto the future, since his past impulsive actions that were a result of running away from his heart left him devoid of purpose. Now he encourages emotional expression after functionality is guaranteed, showing that he at least is not completely dismissive of emotions, but this newfound purpose is still limiting the depths of his heart. He is still suppressing his emotions and consequently, himself.
Now, what does he mean by the idea that a designer should know the reason why they are creating? How exactly can a designer discover their purpose? In his eyes, purpose now means doing what feels right to an individual. He has always been individualistic, with all of his values stemming from his own heart, regardless of what other people think. He has always made sense of humans with his own reasoning, staying true to his own beliefs. Therefore, it makes sense that he encourages people to do what feels right to them, because he has always done the same.
However, this is again incredibly ironic because this mindset is actually limiting him. Remember how when he was first assimilating to human life in the past, he was puzzled by the seemingly meaningless rules and structures that humans would impose on themselves and others? He is now also one of those puzzling humans creating pointless rules and structures for himself thinking that itās serving a higher purpose, when all itās really doing is confining the extent of his heart. He continues to deny his humanity while being the complete embodiment of a human being.
He also claims that discovering this purpose, which entails knowing what feels right, comes from extensive experience.
āDesigners create beauty to emotionally connect with the audience. But this beauty cannot exist apart from experience.ā (Main Story 5-03)
Heās giving this advice to junior designers, those who have only just begun their professional career. There are people who copy his designs, and he discourages this behaviour because he believes that what feels right to someone is personal to every individual, meaning that people shouldnāt merely imitate someone whoās extremely experienced either. But where are they going to get this experience from, if they cannot start without experience? Maybe he has gotten it all reversed. Maybe people learn how to walk by following where their heart leads.
This is not to say that his long life experience of over three thousand years is not useful in any way. After all, he is a world-renowned fashion designer who creates works of beauty that are both functional and expressive, highly resonating with the public. Why do his creations resonate with peopleās hearts, though? Through his wealth of experiences, he pours his endless encounters with humanity into his designs. This touch of human emotion is precisely what underlies the beauty of his designs.
I began my attempt to become an ordinary tailor. I poured everything I saw, all the dreams and stories others shared with me into my sketches, then brought them to life one by one. (6* Card 触ē®å¦ę
)
Now, let's take a couple steps back. Why would he choose to become a fashion designer in the first place, out of all the possible paths he could have taken? War and fashion design seem like they have nothing in common. They could even be considered complete opposites, as war involves death, while design involves creation, so becoming a fashion designer is akin to a rebirth for him. But for Qi Sili, these two fields are distinctly related, and are actually very similar. The quote below beautifully and ingeniously sums up his character in three sentences.
āWhen it comes to creation, the world often only cares about the result, but the path to that result is often fraught with thorns. Embarking on it will leave you bloodied, and completing it might leave you scarred. However, pure ābeautyā is often born from this bloodshed, so thereās nothing to fear.ā (Main Story Chapter 1 触ęøå
č)
This quote has multiple levels. On the broader surface level, it describes design as the aforementioned ābeautyā after the bloodshed. Design was the catalyst that allowed him to seemingly move forward from his past. However, on a deeper level, this quote also separately encompasses both the experience of war and the process of design, heavily paralleling each other in his experiences. In war, the ābeautyā after the bloodshed was the emotion he witnessed. The pain that was felt after death showed that people still cared deeply about each other. In design, the ābeautyā after the bloodshed is also emotion. People's dreams, stories, and experiences may have been difficult to bear, but they get to be brought to life and appreciated by other humans through works of art. Once again, what ties war and design together is emotion, and most importantly, they are threaded together by Qi Siliās own humanity.
This parallel of war, which represents his past, and design, which represents the future, continues to show that while he believes he is moving forward, he still hasnāt actually moved on from his past. He has always been bringing to life the dreams of other people, first by fulfilling the wishes of his dead comrades after war, and secondly by breathing life into the stories of others through his designs. He heavily values individualism, and yet his purpose has always been tied to other people; honouring their hearts, but neglecting his own. He has made it to the future, yet he still doesnāt accept himself as human.
He has always been trapped in the illusion of moving on, stuck in an endless cycle of trying to discover a grander purpose and constructing a greater meaning, unable to realise that heās still stuck in the past, chasing the future, and consequently losing sight of whatās right in front of him: the present moment.
Qi Sili wants to move forward, but he wants to do this without change. He began to hate the idea of change after constantly witnessing his friends enlist and never return. If there was a way he could prevent these inevitable losses and allow things to always stay the same, he would. But the only thing thatās unchangingly guaranteed in life is death. Itās hard to control or convince other people who are all brimming with their own stubborn individuality, so the only thing he could do is hold this standard towards himself. He is also someone who is stubbornly individualistic. Just like the people from his past, he also refuses to change. Maybe itās not out of his own individualism, but rather that he is still being led by other peopleās agendas instead of following his own.
āThere are plenty of people in the world who change. No need to look to me for that.ā (6* Card 触ē®å¦ę
)
For this reason, itās easier for him to not care about anyone. If he didnāt care about anyone, he wouldnāt have to experience the pain of losing them. If he had no one to lose, he wouldnāt be overwhelmed by his emotions. He has become emotionally reserved, cold and distant, someone who finds it easy to bluntly deliver harsh criticism but hesitant to be openly direct about his personal feelings. But deep down, he is still lacking the sense of purpose he has always been searching for.
If one day he woke up and there was no one left in the world that he cared about, would that still be considered living? (6* Card 触ē®å¦ę
)
Changes slowly begin to occur when he finds himself caring for MC. His heart canāt help but be swayed because his emotions have never disappeared, no matter how hard he tries to suppress them.
Qi Sili has always hated unnecessary social constructs. He has never believed in these boundaries and labels created to divide people, the same type of meaningless rules and structures that lead to war. This individualistic mindset causes him conflict within his own Spirit Clan because he isnāt supposed to be so close to humans, but he doesnāt care. He has his own principles that heāll always abide by.
āItās ridiculous to differentiate lives based on race to begin with.ā (6* Card éæ宵ę č§
)
However, MC later finds out sheās from the God Clan. Qi Sili has never believed in gods, and this links back to why he was summoned to become a war general among human beings in the first place. As a fox, he was chosen by gods to go into battle because he was a spiritual being with strength and talent that most humans could not match. War was posed to him as his life mission, his true purpose. In reality, he struggled to understand the purpose of war, and why he needed to fulfil this duty when it wasnāt something he chose of his own volition. The control the gods seemingly had over his destiny only led to feelings of disdain. He never even believed in gods in the first place, despite being told they exist and were supposedly in control of his fate. Perhaps itās because believing in gods is supposed to provide purpose to oneās life, but war did not bring him a sense of purpose; it emptied him of it.
His love for MC aligns with his love for humans, but his skepticism towards deities clashes with her identity as a god. His love for her doesnāt falter, though. On the contrary, his love gradually overpowers his sense of reason. He becomes so concerned for MCās safety that he finds himself wanting to pray to the gods that he never even believed in to keep her safe. By letting himself care for someone else, he is ultimately caring for himself.
Qi Sili suddenly really wished to pray to the gods. For someone who hasnāt believed in gods at all, can they give him a single chance? He wanted to tell them that he regrets it now. Heās willing to believe in the presence of gods. He, too, wanted a good ending. (Main Story 13-23 Light Ending)
The unfortunate matter about loving a human as an immortal, though, is that he will outlive her and again suffer the pain and grief that he is incredibly used to but has always tried to avoid up until this point. It would require him to break down the barriers he has placed around his heart, leaving himself vulnerable to his own emotions. For the past three thousand years, Qi Sili has always been seeking purpose to his long and painful existence. But whatās the point of life if he cannot love? Whatās the point of living if he feels comforted by death? The sense of purpose he rekindled through fashion design only allowed him to get back up and survive, but it hasnāt allowed him to truly live. What happens when he finds himself falling in love? His sense of purpose becomes shattered because he finds himself irrationally following his heart for no greater reason.
Perhaps this is what it means to change: listening to his own emotions without needing a reason, letting go of his incessant need to be passively guided by a grand purpose, and actively following his own heart wherever it takes him for the first time in his life. This is different from when he fell into hedonistic addictions in the past, because instead of upholding other people's wishes, he is finally prioritising his own.
Sometimes, you just had to follow your heart and do things that didnāt seem to make sense. No need for a reason, no need to care about what others thought. Because the reason was simply four words. I just like it. (Main Story Chapter 5 ēå¤ęø
å³)
Love is an active choice that heās finally willing to make not because itās easy, but because itās worth it to him. When choosing to love MC, he will experience loss and pain through her fleeting existence, but human emotions are the essence of living. This includes the joy, the despair, and everything in between, and heās willing to experience these feelings in the name of love. Progress can only be achieved by breaking the cycle, and this involves taking the difficult path of love if it makes life worth living.
For Qi Sili, love is not only caring about another person. Itās about accepting his emotions, and accepting himself as a human being because he has emotions. This character development softens his individualism by opening his stubborn heart to change, yet it doesnāt compromise his individualistic traits, instead strengthening and reinforcing them. He isn't abandoning his principles, because he is actually following and staying true to his own principles more than ever before.
Qi Sili and MC have several different relationship dynamics with each other: immortal and human, idol and fan, mentor and student, boss and subordinate, gege and meimei. In each of these dynamics, he holds the position of authority. However, as observed by his personal and biased views towards design, his views are not correct or incorrect, because they aren't objective truths. They are just as subjective as anyone else's regardless of their age, position, status, or quantity of life experience.
Many of his views stem from beliefs that leaves him trapped in the past, and the MC, who presents an opposing outlook, adds infinite value to his life and expands his worldviews. Even though he has lived so much longer than her and has significantly more life and professional experience than her, there is still so much to learn from her, so much more to experience with her. She adds value to his life because the individual experience cannot merely be quantified by time or status, and striving towards her allows himself to break out of his self-sabotaging time loop. They both add value to each othersā lives because they stay open-minded towards each otherās differences, and yet they donāt have to be confined by labels such as immortal-human or mentor-subordinate, because rather than merely being different, they also recognise that they are fundamentally the same: simply human beings who are learning from and experiencing new things with each other every day.
So we've established that he is distinctly human, but what about his identity as a fox? In reality, following his heart is an act of honouring his original identity as a fox too. His natural instincts as a fox have always been to care. He never needed a reason, because humanity has always been a part of him. The ability to care and to love is not something that is only restricted to one group of people. In fact, this broadly applies to any traits in general.
Why protect this flower? He didnāt know. Not from meddling curiosity, nor from pity, but because he had injured it. (6* Card éæé£å¹å½»)
Itās human to feel emotions, and itās also human to rationalise reason. However, reason requires conscious thought, while emotions are purely instinctual. People donāt know why they feel the way they do towards something or someone, because feeling is naturally part of their humanity, whereas rules are merely socially constructed. People deny their humanity when they create boundaries that divide groups apart. People deny their humanity when they suppress their emotions. People deny their humanity when they donāt listen to their heart, keeping it bound by rules. To live is to listen to your natural instincts and follow your heart, because that also means accepting yourself as a human being.
