Genre: one-shot, platonic relationship, fuff, angst, slight crack if you squint
Cw // mentions of character death, blood
Hi! It's my first time writing on here and I just write what's on my mind I'm sorry if this is bad since english is not my first language γ γ I promise I will get better with my writing! Enjoy ^^
Lonely.
That's what you are feeling. It's been 3 days you got stuck in this unknown land. You thought it was beautiful, it really was. But will you be ready to face what's in front of you?
You manage to survive with fruits like apples and cashews, at least that's what you thought the name was, because in your world they called it cashews. Even though it doesn't really give you enough nutritions, as long as you get to live you're okay with it. Heck there were almost nothing here. You wanted to explore the place more but there are monsters everywhere, and you- with no weapon, could only run and hide in hopes of not getting spotted by them. Will you ever survive?
Sighing, "just another day like this I guess"
you said before drifting to dreamland under a tree in a secluded area of the unknown land.
----
"She's still breathing"
"Paimon! What are you doing?!"
You could hear someone whispering- half screaming to be exact, at someone but you are more bothered at someone poking your arm with a stick. Groaning, you woke up and realized someone invaded your place. Ready to fight whoever that was, your actions suddenly come to a halt when you meet a pair of golden eyes and his tiny little companion. They were as shocked as you, well... I guess you are more shocked to see a floating kid beside the blonde boy.
Quickly, you hide behind a tree. Since you don't have any weapon to defend yourself what else can defend you other than a tree?
"w-who are you?! And why you can float?!"
you shrieked, the little floating kid crossed her arms and scoffed at your question. Why would she scoffed at you?
"excuse me young lady but we're the one who should ask you that!".
You just meet her now but god knows how much her high-pitched voice started to annoy you. The blonde boy beside her started to speak up before his companion could even say a word,
"I'm sorry she bothered you. I'm Aether, and this is my travel companion, Paimon. We found a group of hilichurls around here and we already fight them off before it could reach your campsite. May we know what is your name?" he asks as his pair golden orbs stares straight into you.
"Uh.. My name is y/n..."
He smiles, assuring you that they're safe and can be trusted, you slowly got out behind the tree when he stretches out his hand for a handshake. You grab his hand, reciprocating his action. "it's nice to meet you y/n".
----
"No"
"Aether c'mon please?"
"ugh fine"
It's been a month you had stayed in Monstadt, The Land of Freedom, and a month since your encounter with Aether and Paimon. She still annoys you though, but you're really grateful that she can keep the conversation going because it always turns awkward whenever you tried to initiate a conversation with people. You learned that Aether didn't come from this world too, separated from his sister by the unknown god and now is looking for her in Teyvat. Hopefully, you can go back home too.
You missed your family of course but you're also happy that there are people who willing to take care of you, especially Barbara. She treated you like her own sister, beside Jean. You learned everything here from Lisa and learned how to fight from the cavalry captain Knights of the Favonious, Kaeya. And Diluc? He's hot, but cold as ice at the same time and you went to the Tavern once, only to see him talking to a bard named Venti, about how the bard needs to stop drinking all of his dandelion wine before he runs out of it because of him.
Now, Aether is in front of you as you manage to persuade him to bring you to one of his adventures. He never let you tag along because he told you it's dangerous outside. Both of you are no vision holders, but he has the power of Anemo. It's still a mystery to you but he's an outlander so it would probably make sense why he can have such powers even without a vision blessed by the Archons.
"But! You only have to fight the hilichurls only while I take down those mitachurls, got it?" he says. Nodding your head aggressively, you started your journey with him as an adventurer.
"Let's go to Liyue!" Paimon says excitedly.
---
"That was close, thank you y/n"
Aether pants heavily, letting out a sigh of relief as you kick off the last hilichurl with your sword. Turning around to face him, you tell him it's nothing.
You three bumped into a hilichurl camp in the middle of the road of Bishui Plans. Unfortunately, those group of monsters noticed you before you three could even hide.
You were about to follow Paimon but Aether called you, you look at him as his face expressed shocked. You asked him what's wrong only him to point at your hips. You were confused so you look down where he's pointing at. Well now you're equally as shocked as him, if not because of the shining crystal blue orb hanging on your belt.
"What... I-I swear it wasn't there before?"
You whispered, questioning yourself because how did it get there? How did you even got a vision? What did you do? You know it's a vision because Lisa has taught you at the library back in Mondstadt. How? That was all in your mind.
You hear Paimon gasped, putting her hands on her mouth, "you got a vision! Let me see!". She flew to look at your vision before touching it to get a better look. "You got a cryo vision!" she exclaimed.
"Cryo? You mean I get the power of ice?" You question her. She nodded her, "Yes! Now you can help Aether to fight enemies!". Looking down at your feet, sighing. Aether asked you what's wrong and you simply said you don't know how to fight. Like actually fighting enemies with your own power, how to use it and how to handle it. What if you unintentionally hurt people around you? Aether chuckled at your response. You look up at him, tilting your head in confusion.
"Don't worry, I'll teach you"
----
"I wish kaeya was here"
"You don't like it when I teach you?!"
Chuckling at your friend, you said it's not that you don't like it when he teaches you. It's because "it would be easier if a cryo vision holder teaches me how to control the element", you says.
He let out a puff, while you were stroking Paimon's hair on your lap. She snores softly and you swear you could hear her mumbling sticky honey roast in her sleep. Giggling at her, you wonder how can she be cute and annoying at the same time. It's unfair you think. You turned your head to look at Aether and he was zoned out, as always.
"Mind telling me what's in your mind?"
You picked up his habits quite quickly, since you both attached to the hips all the time. You would notice he always does this when he's deep in thought. The same goes for him. You both can read each other like an open book.
He looks at you, smiling. Shaking his head and tells you he always thinks the same, about his sister. You smiled back at him, you assured him that you will meet her soon. And now, you both enjoy the calm breeze as you both watched the sun set over the blue horizon at the nearby cliff in Liyue.
"S-sticky honey roast... "
----
Annoyed.
That's how you feel right now.
This guy just keeps pestering you for 20 minutes now. You got separated with Aether as he got something to do with Zhongli, the Wangsheng Parlor Funeral Consultant. Aether wanted to let Paimon stay with you but you said you're fine on your own and you would enjoy alone time in the time being while waiting for them.
But you didn't expect this.
"Can you stop following me now?"
"Why would I?"
Rolling your eyes, you bump into his shoulder, or Childe as he call himself.
"Oh don't be like that girlie-" " I have a name shut up" you sigh for the nth time. You need to avoid this man, because he's one of the Fatui, you don't want to involve yourself and Aether with them. That's why you've been running and avoiding him at all cost.
"Well you never tell me your name girlie-"
"It's y/n okay? Now go you're getting on my nerve..."
you mumbled the last sentence. He only chuckles at your reaction as he enjoys it. You were buying some street food from the food stall and before you could give your mora to the seller, someone beats you to pay for the food. You were not complaining though, you didn't thank him either.
"Okay then but can I ask you one last question, y/n?" he smiles widely while you only look at him, chewing your spicy fish cake, unamused. His question however, almost send you to you death as you were choking on your food.
"W-what did you say?!" "I want to get to know about you"
Aether is not going to like this...
----
As expected, he was mad. No, he was furious.
"Why did you talk to him?!"
"I tried not to talk to him Aether, he kept following me when I tried to avoid him! To the point he creeps me out..."
Aether sighs, rubbing his forehead as Paimon watched you two arguing. Was this the only time Paimon shuts her mouth? Excluding the time she's asleep. She knows when to silent herself because this time, Aether is different in Paimon's eyes.
"So.. Did you agree?" he questioned, not giving you a glance. You shake your head, "No, of course I didn't. He's dangerous and he could hurt us if he has the opportunity..." Which is true. Childe is a harbinger, and you, just a mortal from another world who just got dumped to Teyvat out of nowhere.
Aether engulfs you in a hug, which surprised you. You could feel your cheeks burning from the physical contact. His arm wraps around your shoulder while the other strokes your hair, calming you.
"I won't let that happen to you, Paimon and me. I won't let him hurt us, I will promise you that I will protect you both from any danger. I don't want to lose another friend..." he says and the last sentence sounds more like a whisper to you but you understand him.
You also promised to yourself that you will protect paimon and him. Because you love them.
----
"Well traveller, you're quite stronger than I thought"
"Stay away from him!"
You yelled at the harbinger, keeping yourself from falling as you struggled to stand up. Paimon tried her best to keep Aether awake while you were guarding them, ready to attack him anytime.
Childe let out a loud laugh, as if he was mocking you and your companion. Shaking his head, he came closer to you.
"You know what, you're lucky that you didn't fall for my tricks" he chuckles. You were getting antsy everytime he take a step closer to you, "no one is fool enough to fall for a harbinger, Tartaglia" you sneered.
He was about to attack you with his hydro sword but you managed to dodged it with your power and turning it into an ice. You both fight for a while and fortunately, Aether came to help you.
After hours of fighting, that's what you think, you feel drained out. Slumping on the floor, you take a glance at Aether he was panting hard, Paimon at his side to support him. And Childe, he looks better than both you and Aether combined but he's still in a good shape.
As you were trying to stand up, you saw a glimpse of a woman at the corner of your eye. You widen your eyes and tried to push Aether away as you saw the woman was about to attack him with her sharp ice.
Signora.
You made a wall of ice to protect Aether and Paimon from her attacks. However, you didn't do it for you. You didn't protect yourself and got hit by the ice. The ice wall from you melts, so does Aether's world when he saw you, bleeding from your own element.
Childe was as shocked too, he thought you were a genuine person, he really do. Is this what it feels when you know someone personally got hurt? He can't imagine what Aether feels now.
You fell, you felt dizzy as you hit your head on the solid ground.
"Y/n!" Aether and Paimon yelled your name, but why do they sound like they're miles away?
"Y/n! Keep your eyes open! Don't you very dare to close your eyes!" Your friend screamed. Paimon is holding your hand while sobbing on you. "Y/n you can't leave us! Paimon still want to have fun with you!"
All you can do is cry. You don't want to leave them. You still haven't find your way back home, you can't. But you were losing so much blood and all you could do is remembering your moments with your friends.
Aether and Paimon.
Aether holds you on his lap, you could feel his tears falling on your cheek. He cups your cheek as he stares into your (e/c) orbs. To him, it resembles the stars on the night sky. He wish he could look at them like this before.
Not when you're dying.
He put his forehead on yours as he keeps repeating "please don't leave" to you. You promised him that you will protect him, but not stay with him. Did you regret it? Yes. You wish you could stay but you knew at the end, both of you will leave eventually.
But you didn't expect that you would leave them like this.
With all your might, you hover your hand over his that was on your cheek, rubbing it softly. "Promise me, we will meet someday, wether it be in our next life or in different universe, promise me we will meet again" you said, voice getting hoarse and staring to his golden eyes. You want to remember his eyes, his nose, his lips, his everything.
"Paimon doesn't want you to leave!" your little friend cried, you let out a loud sob as you pull her to your chest, soaking your bloody shirt with her tears. You three tried to cherish your last moment together, even though it was a tragic one, like now.
Aether tighten his hold on you, Paimon cries harder when she saw the colour of your vision starting to fade, knowing you couldn't make it.
"Paimon loves you, y/n", all you can do is cry, before your last breathe you hear Aether says "I promise you, we will meet again.. I love you"
Your vision faded, you fall into a deep sleep and everything turns dark.
----
"She's awake!"
"Call the doctor!"
You slowly opened your eyes, the bright light hurting your eyes, still adjusting to the surrounding. You could feel your tears were falling. Why did you cry? Then it hit you.
You were in the hospital.
You remember what happened, was that all just a dream? It feels real, way too real for your liking.
"Thank god, you're finally awake!" your mom sobs. Wait, your mom is here? You're finally back? You were supposed to be happy but why did you feel sad?
"H-how long did I... Sleep?" you asked, voice raspy as your throat lacks of hydration. Your mom gave you a glass of water and you gladly drink it, your throat still hurt.
"2 months now, you got hit by a car and the guy felt bad. He even insisted to pay for your bills", your mom says as she hold your hand. It's been a few minutes but you missed them. Aether and your little friend Paimon.
"Oh.." that's all you can say. You really don't know what to respond. You were happy that you're finally awake but you also missed people you met in Teyvat. Are they real or just your imagination?
"I forgot to tell you, the person who pays for your hospital bill will visit you. He always visits you when me and your dad is busy with work", you nodded your head, didn't have the energy to reply your mom back.
Suddenly, the door opens, revealing a tall man. You face him, only to widen your eyes as you were shocked to see the person in your dream.
"Childe?"
----
It's been a month since you got discharged from the hospital and been recovering well. You still struggle to walk on your own though, but nothing serious. Ever since you met childe, you both got along very well, not like the one in your dream.
"So... What I dreamed of during my coma was real?" You asked him, walking through the flowery path as the cherry blossom falls on the ground beside him arms clinging to his.
"Yeah. In fact, I'm still the same Childe in your dream!"
"Yeah as you wish. The only same thing is you keep paying things for me.. And being annoying"
You remarked. He only laughs and told you the reason why he keeps doing that is that it's the only kind action he could do, even now. But in reality, he felt guilty. He
"By the way, I want you to meet an old friend of mine. You won't mind right?"
"What's the point of asking me if you're going to introduce your friend to me now?"
"Geez woman, you're still the same"
you could only laugh at him. To you, he's a good friend but no one could replace Aether. If you met Childe, there's a possibility of you to meet Aether and Paimon right?
"Oi blondie! We're here!" Childe yelled, getting you out from your deep thoughts. You look up only to meet a pair of golden eyes that you've missed so much.
It feels like the time has stopped. He walked towards you and slowly, engulfed you in a hug. You were stunned, you meet him. You both found each other. You hugged him back, tightly. You let out tears of joy, he was relieved he found you that he also cried.
"You didn't forget me don't you?" You hear a feminine voice behind Aether, only to find Paimon crossing her arms, just like when you meet her for the first time. But what amazes you that she's in a different form. She looks... Like you. A woman.
Your eyes got teary again and went straight to her, giving her a big hug which she reciprocated. "I miss you so much Paimon" you burried your head into her neck. Paimon was happy she could meet her.
Childe and Aether could only look both of you with adoration. Aether cleared his throat, without looking at the man beside him, eyes still on you. "Thank you, if it wasn't for you, we wouldn't find her"
The red haired man could only smile, "it's no problem. I couldn't face anyone after what happened in Teyvat. Think of this as my way to apologize". Aether couldn't answer, he only nodded his head to let him know he's listening.
You went to him only get a hug from you. You missed him so much. And you noticed Aether doesn't have his long braided hair anymore, which saddens you because you always play and braid his hair.
"I noticed that you finally got rid of your annoyingly long hair", you teased him. You hear him chuckled as he tightened his grip around you. "Can't let the annoyingly long hair distract people sweetie. People found it weird here"
"But I like it though..." you blushed at the pet name he gave you. You both just couldn't let go of each other now. He strokes your hair, enjoying each others presence. "I'm so glad that I found you", "me too, I'm glad you're here".
The other two friend only watched you two reunited again, hugging each other and won't let each other go because you missed each other so much that you both are afraid one of you vanished anytime. But it's real.
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pairing: gojo x fem reader
synopsis: crippling debt and possible evictions have ruined you. working two jobs with no downtime, and a five-year-old son, you really don't know the meaning of taking a break. after continuous questions about his father, you have decided to finally let your son meet his dad. only thing is, he has no idea said son exists. and to top it off, you have not a single clue about what kinds of things will transpire from this sudden revelation.
tags/warnings: 18+ MDNI, smut, fluff, romance, alcohol, classism, mom! reader, lying, abuse, MAJOR angst, slow burn, exes to lovers, cheating, scandals, drugs, drama, family drama
a/n: hi everyone! this is where you can find the masterlist, again aiming for at least 15 chapters.
you are an empress perfect in every way... until your husband suddenly casts you aside for his expecting mistress. but you won't be dethroned just like that, because the newly coronated western emperor, gojo satoru, sets his sights on you, and thus your revenge against your ex-husband begins...
genre/warnings:
18+ suggestive contentβminors do not interact!βmight be ooc, kinda slowburn, angst to eventual fluff, divorce, marriage of convenience, heavy pining (from gojo's part), childhood friends trope, mentions of infidelity, misogyny, infertility, explicit smut
note:
loosely inspired by and taking some elements of manhwa remarried empress (but i promise you, it's different). my god, for the past month this is all i can think about *sobs* wc. 10.5k ! this is the longest thing i've ever posted here, and if you'd give it a chance, then i'll be really, really thankful!
credit header goes to @/gojokko in twitter!
next. the crown of diamonds | long live the empire
general masterlist | series masterlist
βI accept the divorce.β
Your perfect life was done for. Everything you had worked hard towardsβ it was now in shambles and tatters.
You, an ethereal, revered empress... someone untarnished in the face of public and private, had just agreed to the emperorβs blatant request of separation.
βMy god... how can this be!?β
βYour Majesty! Please reconsider!β
Emperor Zenβin Naoya of the Eastern Empire, your husbandβand companion for more than ten yearsβsmirked as he looked down at you, paying zero attention to the uproar in this courthouse.
But then you heard that kind, velvety voice from the back of your head:
βIf you become my empressβ¦ that will make me the happiest man alive.β
This place has turned into a whopping circus ever since you and Naoya stepped inside anyway. And so, having nothing worthy left to lose, you declared, βAnd I demand an immediate approval for my remarriage.β
Your boldness once again stirred a wave of clamor among the crowd, and even Naoya was glaring at you in disbelief now. βA remarriageβ¦? How dare youβ!β
βWell... is it the time for my grand entrance?β
Deep from behind the curtains, suddenly he emerged, dressed in the most lavish robes befitting his own throne, outshining everyone in the room as if he was the one owning the place.
βHeh.β His low chuckle stunned even the mass as he took big strides towards where you were.
This would seal your fate. From now onwards, you would no longer be the perfect empress. Your messy divorce and remarriage will relegate that image to history.
βMy goodness, thatβsβ¦β the woman in the front gasped. βWestern Empireβsβ¦β
βGojoβ¦ Satoru?β Naoya's eyes lit with genuine fury as the other man took his place by your side. βYou couldn't possibly meanβ¦!β
You interrupted him regally. βYes, he is the man I wish to remarry.β
This event was going to blow up tomorrow, with scandalous titles no less than The Deposed Empress Remarries! And there was no going back, ever.
How did your pristine life turn into such a shameful debacle? None of these turn of events would be imaginable for you several years prior...
SATORU, THE CROWN PRINCE OF WESTERN EMPIRE
To Satoru, you were more than just the eastβs breathtaking empressβyou had captured his attention long before you ascended to that role.
Seven years ago, you were the renowned noble lady, the paragon of perfection sought after by many lords and monarchs alike.
You were both cunning and fair, pretty in the face, came from an illustrious family known for birthing famous empresses in either western and eastern empires. You were the quintessential template that mothers advised their sons to seek in a wife.
The fairest in the landβthat was how people called you. And Gojo Satoru is always and only interested in the best.
βSuguru... look at her.β His eyes would soften at the sight of you as he nudged at his closest ally and confidant, the duke. βShe is so... pretty, isnβt she?β
Unfortunately, you had been promised to the Eastern Empireβs crown prince from a long time ago too. There was little that the outsiders, including himselfβeven if he was the heir apparent to his own throneβcould do to sway your heart.
βThere's more to women than their faces, Satoru,β Suguru sighed, thinking that what he had was a mere lust. βMoreover, sheβs engaged to the Zenβin... and they have a very good relationship. Nothing you can do about that.β
βHmph.β
To be honest, he couldnβt fathom what you could possibly like about that murderous Zenβin spawn. He was a pompous human being, no less.
How on earth could you stand someone like that? Satoru had always wondered⦠especially when it was well-known to the land that you and him were on good terms despite your arranged marriage.
βand once, he thought he knew who you areβ¦
. . .
Satoru swallowed the bitterness rising in his throat as he attended the royal wedding of you and Zenβin Naoya. Despite hating the circumstances, he had to admit it was a fairytale weddingβalbeit with the wrong groom.
You were the epitome of picture book princess. In his eyes, and in the eyes of the attendees of your wedding.
Oh, and he made headlines too, that dayβ
βMy princess, may I have this dance?β
Two hours hadnβt even passed by after you swore your vows as Naoyaβs bride, and there he was, asking for your first dance, in your own wedding ball, right in front of your newly wedded husband.
Everyone bet on you turning him down and making a fool of himself, but instead, to spare his feelings, you put your delicate hand in his, and with a wide, shy smile, you said, βYes.β
Satoru thought it was his greatest achievement then. To have made Naoya red-faced, to have made him watch as he put his hands on your waist, twirl you aroundβ and come one breath away from your face.
βPrincess, youβreβ¦β his breath caught as he pulled you close, staring straight at your faceβand suddenly he felt like life was so unfair to him as the slow melody of waltz was all he could hear.
How could you be this close... and yet so far by being somebody elseβs wife?
And yet he forced the words out, with sincerity he had never showed anyone else before, even as his heart bled and shattered. βYouβre so incredibly beautiful.β
Your eyes widened, sparkling with wonder, before you thanked him with the loveliest of smiles. βThank you. Youβre too kind.β
Satoru was certain... you had ruined him, because no one else would ever be able to turn his world with just a smile like you did, even as you broke his heart too into a million pieces.
. . .
Ever since that day, everyone had branded him as a prince in search of scandalβcoveting the princess married to Zenβin clan.
What everyone didnβt know was that it went beyond that. His obsession of you went beyond your beauty and charms and wits. Rather, it goes a long way back.
YOU, THE CROWN PRINCESS OF EASTERN EMPIRE
As inconceivable as it was, once upon a time, you and Naoya were a truly, happy couple.
Handpicked by the late emperor to become his sonβs wife, you couldnβt be more proud. With you being the next empress of the Eastern Empire, your clan once again proved itself that it was always worthy of a seat in the monarchy.
But beyond that, you were elated that it was Naoya that you ended up marrying. Your own childhood friend, who often led you around his palace by hand and filled your days with many joy and laughs.
βOne day soon, when we are the emperor and the empressββ younger Naoya was always someone who had big dreams about ruling his nation. βWe will create a nation in which no one can do anything as they please! Weβll establish order, and anyone who goes against it will be punished! That way, itβll encourage fairness!β
Not knowing it yourself, you had given your heart wholly to him. You had agreed to all his dreams and visions. You devoted yourself to them all, even more so after your marriage and coronation, as he promised you an ever after.
βFrom now on, itβs going to be me and you, Empress.β
YOU, THE EMPRESS OF EASTERN EMPIRE
βYour role is to give an heir to the throne, Empress.β
Your title had never sounded so heavy to you before now, especially when Naoya was the one saying it.
You sighed, gathering your wits and scattered feelings before levelling your calm gaze on your husband. βI understand that, Your Majesty. But it is not something that I can do on my own.β
This year would mark the fifth year of your marriage to Naoya. You understood that the fact you still werenβt able to be with his child would raise questions from the court, but still, must you be reminded of this fact over and over?
Your husbandβno, the emperorβbarked a satire laugh.
βOh, really? As I understand it, being infertile is not something I can help you with.β
That hurt. It was a searing pain, like being branded with a red-hot iron. And it felt as if he had torn through your chest with his fist alone.
βIβm not infertile.β Your eyes gleamed with pure defiance as you lifted your chin, facing him in his audience chamber.
It dawned on you that lately, one of the few ways you could speak to him was by requesting an audience as opposed to your usual midnight talks in your private chambers.
When did it start to change? Or was Naoya this kind of person right from the very beginning and you were just blinded by love back then?
"Oh? And what would you call being childless for five years then?" Naoya sneered at you from his dais, placing one hand on his jaw. "Bad luck? You must be terribly cursed with misfortune then."
You fisted your dress, summoning all your strength to hold back tears. Don't you dare cry. Not in front of him.
It wasn't as if you didn't want to carry his heir. For many women, holding their baby in their arms is a cherished dream, and when they hold a position of power like yours, it becomes not just a desire but a duty.
You tried everythingβcalling in the best doctors, consuming horrible potions, even consulting with the oracle. And they all said you were perfectly healthy and fine. You were at your wits end too.
The irony. You were celebrated in public for your competence, while privately, you suffered your husband's cold detachment and cruel remarks.
. . .
"Empress, where should we put the welcome gifts?"
You studied the floor plan of the banquet hall for your annual New Year's ball with a thoughtful hum before pointing at the entrance.
"Place it here. We want our guests to know that we are generous, and it's easily accessible since the parlor is the first area they reach after arriving."
You loved planning festivities. It was therapeutic in a way, and it gave you little time to think of anything else.
"Oh, and I want to have a welcome arch and flowers placed at the entrance too. This is the grandest event of the year, second only to the Emperor's birthday... we must display the grandeur that befits such an occasion."
Your head maidservant, Hanabi, placed a hand on her abdomen and nodded with a warm smile. "That's a very clever suggestion, Your Majesty! I'll ensure they arrange everything just as you wish!"
As she scurried away, you watched her with an assessing gaze. Hanabi had been with you throughout the five years of your marriage, always at your side, assisting with day-to-day matters and serving as your confidant. She was a great aide.
And you were observant by nature... so of course you noticed things.
...and if you were correct, then she was most definitely with a child.
The thing is... she is unmarried. You hesitated to jump to conclusions without evidence, yet the timing struck you as more than coincidentalβit nagged at you for weeks now, suggesting a connection you hoped did not exist.
Because if they really did... then...
You didn't dare to think, because it would be more than a nightmare. But you weren't able to let this go either, so you did what was necessary.
You planted a note in Hanabi's chamber, and then you waited in the gardens, the chilly midnight air wrapping around you like a shroud.
You had done everything you could. Five years ago, you let go of everything and had decided to spend your life with your first loveβNaoya.
Because you truly and devotedly love him. You give your all for himβfor your life together.
"Ooh, Your Majesty~! It's so cold out here, why not in our usualβ"
Hanabi's voice faltered as soon as she saw your crimson gown, feeling like the world had collapsed on her. And you rigidly turned towards her, feeling more or less the same.
And yet, what you had received from him is the greatest betrayal.
SATORU, THE EMPEROR OF THE WESTERN EMPIRE
He first realized something was clearly wrong with you during the New Yearβs ball that you hosted.
Satoru had just been crowned emperor during this time, and though rulers typically sent envoys to such grand celebrations due to concurrent festivities in their own lands, it had been several months since he last saw you. He wants to see you.
A meritless action, but he wanted to, regardless.
But that day, you were a fantastic actress in this stage called banquet hall and nobody was the wiser⦠but he would know, because you mattered a lot to him.
"Your Majesty, you don't seem well." He approached you with a glass of champagne, affixing a friendly smile. "Is there anything amiss?"
Taken aback, you didn't expect such close proximity that you took a step back. His smile almost faltered, but he kept it up.
"Emperor Satoruβ"
"Ah, none of that, no. Address me just as you usually do, hmm?"
A smile finally tugged at your lips. "How is that fair, when you address me so formally?"
Satoru chuckled. "You, my queen, deserve all the finery and grandeur there is. And I will see to it that you do."
That was his nickname for you ever since you ascended the throne. Both of your countries refer you as βempressβ, but he loves addressing you as βqueenβ instead.
There was a shift in your expression, and he thought you looked melancholic. It bothered him, stirring a desire to erase that somber look from you. Because above anything and everything, you had to be happy and smiling.
"You're still a flirt, I see, Satoru," you remarked, throwing him a soft smile. "It won't do you good if you're seen with me most of the time, you know."
No, Iβm doing this just for you. He wanted to tell you that, but he sighed instead. "You've got it wrong. When I'm in the company of the most beautiful woman in the lands, what's there to be ashamed of?"
Perhaps hearing that finally melted you a bit as you freely giggled this time, and Satoru was glad that he made you laugh even a little.
"You would think that, huh..." you fondly mumbled. And then your expression crumbled, and he could've sworn something painful flashed in your eyesβ
What happened to you? He so desperately wanted to ask, but then he saw that preying gaze on both of you. Zenβin Naoya. Satoru clicked his tongue as he watched him weave through the crowd, his gaze locked ominously on both of you.
βSeems like we donβt have much time, after all,β he began, urgency sharpening his words. βBut rest assured, whenever you want to talk to me, just send a little birdie my way and I shall answer.β
βHuh?β you blinked at him questioningly, totally not getting what he meant.
He winked, then took your hand and placed a kiss on it, eliciting murmurs of surprise from the crowd at his bold gesture. βAnd chin up, my queen. You have nothing to fear, and if it makes you feel better...β
He leaned in to whisper in your ear, βTo me, a diamond is most beautiful. And youβ¦ are one that sparkles above all.β
βNaoya, unhand me this instant!β
You were tired of this shit, of Naoya always manhandling youβof him always having a total control over you.
After seeing how close you got to Satoru, Naoya practically saw red. Still, in the prying eyes of public, he remained unperturbed, but his vice-like grip on your arm was sure to leave bruise as he unkindly led you out of the ballroom.
"Naoya!" you raised your voice this time, even louder than before, uncaring even when the wandering eyes of the servants curiously followed the two of you.
You were not made an empress just to follow him. And with that conviction, you forcibly pulled your arm away from his grip right after he shut the door to the drawing room close, not even wincing at the stinging feeling.
His eyes shone with anger. βYou insolentβ!β
βNoββ You stood your ground, and suddenly you got very irate and burst out, βHow dare you, Zenβin Naoya!β
He looked at you with equal surprise and mortification, clearly unprepared for your righteous tirade.
"You have made a mockery of our marriage! You have insulted me and your own throne by carrying on withβ with the help! My maid!" you screamed at his face, pure anger coursing through your veins. "How could you!?"
Naoya took in your outburst with eerie silence, a sneer slowly forming on his lips. "You get riled up over that? Have you forgotten emperors are free to take mistresses, especially when the empress isn't capable to bear any heirs?"
A burning arrow shot straight to your heart at his response but you willed yourself not to show it. "Regardless, you could've done better and not put our throne to shame by fucking a servant."
"I've told you time and time again. A woman's duty is to bear children, and since you've proven yourself beyond barren, I did you a favor."
"A favor...?"
"As soon as Hanabi births that child, you can raise him as your own," Naoya frankly stated unabashedly, as if proud with his idea. "Saves you the trouble and I get my heir, a win-win solution, no?"
Raise him as my own...? Saves the trouble? You could've sworn that throughout your entire life, you had never been so insulted before now, right in this moment.
"What I do, I always have my throne in mind. And yet you..." his eyes narrowed into unsatisfied slits. "What are you trying to achieve by whoring yourself to that rake, Gojo Satoru? Are you telling people of the ton that you're having an affair?"
His voice made you want to throw up. The realization that everything you thought you had together might have meant nothing to him at all made you feel sick.
And so, hiding your trembling hands and swallowing you unshed tears, you responded to him with a clipped toneβ
"You're most despicable, Naoya. And you are a complete fool if you think even for a second that I'd want to raise your bastard!"
He seemed taken aback by your rejection, but you didn't falter. "And oh, since you want to make use of that lowly maid so much, feel free to take her back and track her down yourself, because I've sent that wench away."
With that, you turned your back on him, striding out with your head held high, even as your life crumbled into dust.
Days after your full-blown argument with Naoya, your situation only worsened. By now, even the palace servants knew you had incurred his wrath, while Hanabi had won his favor by carrying his childβpossibly the heir to the throne.
The child she was carrying was no threat to your position. After all, you were the empress. A child of your blood would trample over any bastard.
However, you'd be damned if you shared a bed with him again, and Naoya made it clear that his mistress would be elevated to the rank of royal consort. Given the current trajectoryβand history's tendency to repeat itselfβemperors often divorced or banished their empresses in favor of their mistresses.
Bah. You could only scoff at your laughable predicament. You came from a prestigious clan and were revered, yet now you were no more than a scorned woman.
Dark thoughts consumed your mind for a timeβyou couldn't deny that you had considered leaving the palace for self-imposed exile or even ending your life. However, reason always prevailed.
You wouldn't give Naoya what he wanted most: your compliance. And around the time when you resolved to do that, a finely decorated envelope arrived at your study, with no signature whatsoever.
Intrigued, you opened it to find an intricate dried rose bookmark and a folded letter nestled inside.
Greetings to you, my queen. Yeah, it's me. Hope you won't be too surprised. But if you do, know that I always mean well.
Satoru. You weren't expecting this. A small smile tugged at your lips. How long had it been since you last smiled so freely?
I've heard you love reading, hence the bookmark. Fun fact: I made it myself, with Shoko's help. She is sooo bad at explaining though so if the flower is wrinkled... please blame her.
This time, you giggled. He was an emperor, for god's sake. Should someone of his station write so informally like this?
Now... I'm no oracle, but even I know that you must be having bad days. And so, let me entertain you with several tales from my kingdom. So, the other day, my good friend Suguru, the dukeβyou must've heard of him surely (they said he is the most handsome bachelor in the West but they must be missing an eye for saying so because clearly I'm more!)βjust fired a pair of his servants because he caught them in a thirst! He is so uptight! Why can't he let two people in love be!?
Before you knew it, you found yourself chuckling at the lines upon lines of anecdotes Satoru had penned in the letter. The way he wrote, it was as if he was right here, saying all of this to you in real-time. For a while, you were completely absorbed in the world of the Western Empire he described, and all your worries and anxieties seemed to fade away.
Okay, that's it for now. This is just a teaser actually, so if you want to subscribe to more tales of my humble little country, you can always be my empress reply to this letter! :D Look out for a white cat near your windowsill during the hour of snakeβhe is my trained pet, and put your message in his little backpack. Don't worry, he's cute and doesn't bite!
You were so giddy by the end. His message warmed your heart so much that your eyes grew misty. In the aftermath of Naoya's betrayal, you were certain your life would be filled with much sadness to come.
Yet, your friendship with Satoru might just be the thing that would save you.
No matter how much his friends Duke Geto and Countess Shoko urged him to see reasonβthat you were no longer available and occupied with your duties as the empress of your own empireβSatoru couldn't help but still cast an eye your way.
You were clearly unhappy, and to him, someone as radiant as you should be happy.
And so, that was why he took his quill and started writing that letter to be sent to your place, along with a rose strapped inside.
He knew that, being the kind person you were, you would most likely respond, but still, the moment his cat arrived back with your reply, he was elated beyond measure.
Of course I knew it right away! I omitted your name because who knows who might catch your cat on the way. Anyway, I hope Mr. Cat will arrive back to you safe and sound.
Firstly, thank you for your letter. I must say I'm so happy to receive it :) I haven't had best days so reading it made me smile. And secondly, of course I'll subscribe to your stories of Western Empire. I've been wanting to visit it myself but just haven't gotten the chance to... so if you will continue it, I shall be happy to read :D
If anything he wrote brought you joy, then Satoru was content. He had achieved his goal then.
And it was his own little secret that... by corresponding with you, it allowed him to savor the feeling of having you as his own, if only through words.
Mr. Cat's name is Sugu-chan after Suguru but you can call him whatever you wish. And don't worry, he is strong and can fight if necessary! And don't be too formal with me, my queen. We have known each other forever. Anyway do tell me, what is your favorite color now? Let me guess, is it still that specific shade of crimson?
You name your cat after your best friend...? And you're making it hard for me to be less formal when you always address me as queen! Hmm, I suppose so. I love burgundy. I've even had my study designed with that exact color scheme. It just gives me the confidence I need, you know.
So you still love burgundy... I'll keep that in mind ;) Frankly, any shade of crimson suits youβyou're always a vision in them. Back then and especially during your coronation. I love blue, so I think we're a match? :D
Back then...? Hmm, surprisingly yes, red and blue would make a good match... Anyway, I believe you promised me unusual tales from your 'humble little country', so please indulge me!
You've forgotten it already? Around the time we first met, back when I was still known as "the cursed prince"? It holds such importance for me but sadly it seems like it was just a passing moment to you :(
Oh, yeah, I haven't forgotten about it! So, this time let me tell you about the time when Earl Nanami got wasted . . .
Days turned into weeks, and weeks into months. Amidst the turmoil of your marriage, exchanging letters with Satoru became your sole respite. His stories regarding his own empire amused you, and sometimes it got you to wonder what it was like to live there.
However, running away from your problems would never solve them. Writing to Satoru may have helped you to cope, but still, your real issue with Naoya wouldn't vanish simply just by ignoring him.
. . .
"Your Majesty..."
For a good one minute, you stood still. Your lady-in-waiting had delivered an earth-shattering newsβbut admittedly, a possibility you thought was in the cards the moment you went against Naoya.
"His majesty has summoned the high priest to his study," the elderly woman added, close to tears. "But it is very likely that he has submitted the petition forβ" her voice faltered when she caught sight of the emptiness in your eyes, unable to continue.
A divorce. Naoya had been considering a divorce. And by now, he was set on it.
"I'm so, so sorry..." she choked out, her voice breaking with sorrow to mourn you, but you remained expressionless, lost in your thoughts.
The last time an empress of Eastern Empire was divorced was more or less a century ago, because she had committed a grave treachery against a royal consort by poisoning her. She was sentenced to death by hanging afterwards.
The irony. You were in similar situation, only that you weren't vengeful enough to resort to poisoning Hanabi. Speaking of her, her baby was due in another four months, and now she was living happily in Naoya's quarters.
"Don't be. I'm perfectly fine."
To consolidate his illegitimate child's position, Naoya used the most effective way. Since you wouldn't listen to him, and Hanabi must be a far delightful companion rather than you, he was more than willing to cast you aside in favor of making her his empress instead.
You thought it would hurt more, and yet what you felt the most right in this moment was white-hot anger. This is unacceptable. It was the greatest insult to you both as a woman and as the empress.
Now, all you could think of was how to uphold your dignity and plot your exit from this palace with your head still held high.
If I can't be the empress here...
And after a sleepless night, you came to a daring solution. And your planβ
...I'll be one somewhere else.
It was an invitation, Satoru thought, almost in disbelief. Or it sounded a lot like one, didn't it?
Heart beating a little faster and blushing, he reread the latest letter you had sent him.
It's only the beginning of summer, and the heat is sweltering... I'm considering treating myself to a trip to the winery village on the border between the east and west. I think it'll be nice if I have a companion...
Winery village was right in the middle of the western and eastern empires, and it was a safe zone. Vineyards were vast and thick, but it wasn't exactly a popular vacation spot. So, it intrigued him why you would want to go there.
Just as he was about to reply to you that it was a very good coincidence that he too wanted to pay a visit to the said village, suddenlyβ
"Gojo! Gojoooo!" Shoko suddenly burst into his study, startling him.
"Shoko! What the heck?!"
Lady Shoko might be a countess, but she, Satoru, and Suguru all attended the same royal academy. Despite their prestigious titles now, Satoru insisted that in private, both Suguru and Shoko address him just as they did before he ascended the throne.
Still, she was ruder than Suguru in many ways. Satoru gave her a stink eye, but his confusion grew as she seemed to be delivering momentous news.
"Gojo, have you heard that Naoya will divorce Y/N?!"
"Wha?" it felt like a ton of bricks suddenly fell down on his head. And then his friend proceeded to tell him everything she knew.
"It wasn't made official yet, but even the townsfolk have been talking about it. They also said that Naoya have taken a mistress, and that she was formerly the empress' maid."
Satoru listened to her in silence, but the moment he heard that the Zen'in spawn planned to divorce you, anger flared within him. And to add insult to injury, he two-timed you with a servant?
The fucking bastard. He never deserved you at all. How crushed must you have been, enduring all this shit?
"Now, I wouldn't normally encourage you this," Shoko took out the cigarette she stashed in the folds of her dress and sighed. "But since you never let go of that weird fixation on her, should the royal divorce happen..." she shrugged as she took a seat in front of him.
"No matter how laughable it is, you might have a chance."
She is so right. These long years of longing for your affections and dreaming of having even a minute more of your time... there was now chance to turn it to reality.
When you arrived at the winery village for your vacation to breathe in some fresh air, honestly, everything was still in shambles.
You couldn't forget the horrified looks from the court when Naoya announced the divorce. Most were shocked and pleaded with him to reconsider. Some from your circle of ladies even sobbed, openly stating that you didn't deserve this fate.
βEmpress... His Majesty shouldn't be that harsh...β Hanabi had said to you afterwards, seemingly concerned for you. βYour legacy hereβ¦ Iβll make sure to carry them on.β
Sometimes you didnβt know whether Hanabi was pretending to be dumb or indeed she was. One thing you knew though...
βI wish you luck on that, Hanabi.β You looked down at her with eyes as cold as ice. βBeware, the Emperor is fickle, be sure to not run out of entertainments.β
You knew you deserved a better fate than being the empress of the Eastern Empire, but seeing those who still cared for you made you solemn. Your loyal maids, those who supported you... and what about organizations you've spent time and energy to?
βMy queen, ah, there you are.β
Satoru's voice from behind startled you, interrupting your daydreams. He quickly came beside you and extended his hand, asking for yours.
You offered him your right hand, and he promptly pressed a kiss on it, his bright blue eyes gazing up at you.
It wasn't as if you just noticed how pretty his eyes were, but now that there was no ballroom and scrutinizing eyes around you, you couldn't deny that the way his eyes sparkled as he gazed at youβsolely and purely on youβmade you breathless.
What... would it be like to have this man... to be your husband instead?
"I missed you. I know we talk daily through letters, but seeing your beauty firsthand is always a sight for sore eyes," he cheekily commented as he let go of your hand. "Now, I get to see you without your pesky husband around, and yeah, you never fail to make my silly heart race."
You chuckled. "You always flatter me..."
He only gave you a toothy smile, and you two strolled the vineyard. For a while, you talked about nothing of importance, like where your ladies-in-waiting were, how things were from his side.
"How do you find being the emperor?"
"It's tiring! It's boring too to look through accounts and oversee those trivial state affairs! And not to mention how many people have been nagging me to take a wife soon!"
"Oh? You haven't been on the lookout already?"
"Nah. No one is good enough, I need someone already familiar with state affairs and such," he said, wrinkling his nose sourly at the thought. But then he cast his eyes on you.
"And frankly, you are my standard," he fixed you a meaningful smile. "No one comes close. If you weren't betrothed to the Zen'in back then, I'd have proposed you in a heartbeat."
Thump. Thump. Thump. Your dead heart suddenly came to life. Gojo Satoru had just confessed his affections for you so candidly, and it got you thinking how much easier your life would be with him. He would love you, take care of you...
And beguile you.
His eyes fondly crinkled at you. "You are everything I desire in a woman to be my wife."
He adores you so easily, so fluidly... and yet, Naoya, who has you fully, is throwing you away.
Satoru observed how your face fell once again, just as it had during the New Year's ball. And now he knew, it was because you were facing your impending divorce.
But he wasn't going to tell you that, instead, he would willingly be your confidant and offer you his very being. He was about to crack a joke to lift your spirits, when you blurtedβ
"What if I said... I want to be your empress?" you kept your pace, not looking at him at all. "What if I said... I'll leave everything and come to you?"
Huh? What�
That was loaded. Have you entertained the thought too? Satoru had craved the very idea for so long he didnβt even miss a beatβ
βThen Iβd marry you.β His voice was straight and true, shooting straight to the most tender part of you that Naoya had torn to shreds. βIf you become my empressβ¦ that will make me the happiest man alive.β
No hesitation. It almost reduced you to tears. You stopped where you stood, willing yourself not to tremble. There is still one person who sees this much value in you.
βThen Iβll be yours,β you breathed out. βIβll be your empress, Satoru.β
Satoru could've sworn time had stopped. If one moment ago, you looked like you were about to shatter, now you were a vision of the dignified and perfect queen he had always known you were.
βIβll be your queenβ your everything.β You declared, locking eyes with him, the intensity of your gaze not escaping him.
How many years had he dreamed of this moment? How many long nights had he endured, yearning for you, knowing you were beyond his reach?
Finally, finally... Satoru grinned, swearing to all the divine beings out there that he had never known how liberating it was to finally have what he wanted. βThat would be my greatest honor.β
He drew you closeβyou let himβand after one second of taking in your enchanting eyes, he crashed his lips against yours.
His lips started soft and gentle, then became fiery as his tongue met yours. He pulled you closer, one arm around your waist and the other holding the back of your head. You responded eagerly, pressing against him, fingers tracing his neck and feeling the lines of his undercut.
One is finally having the woman he had wanted for so long, and the other was plotting her escape from her misery.
You were using him. He knew it. Yet, he didn't care. Hidden behind bushes and vines, you shared your very first heated kiss, aware that this moment would leave its mark as both the greatest stain and triumph in your lives.
And when he finally pulled away, lips swollen and wet, with a wolfish grin, he promised you once againβ
βGive me everything that is yours... and I swear on my life, I will do everything to turn your life into a living dream.β
βEmpress, your husband His Majesty the Emperor, has requested a divorce.β
It was how your once pristine life transformed into the scandal of the century inside the courthouse.
"If you accept this petition, then you will no longer be the Empress of Eastern Empire. You will lose all the rights you have as a senior member of the imperial family..."
You donned your finest attireβthe intricate crimson and black dress you had designed and commissioned the dressmaker to create. Today, faced with Naoya's divorce decree, it would be the last time you adorned the colors of his empire.
"The ties that bound you together as husband and wife would be severedβ"
Good riddance, you thought.
"If this is not what you want, you have the right toβ"
"I accept the divorce."
Your voice cut through the heavy solemness of the witnesses and turned them into a mass of disbelief. You disregarded Naoya's smirk and held the priest's gaze. "And I demand an immediate approval for my remarriage."
The crowd was in for a second wave of uproar when you boldly stood your ground, and they erupted into clamors once again when Satoru made his grand entrance and took his place beside you.
"Youβ!" Naoya was so furious that he roared. "This is my empire!"
"And?" Satoru challenged with a dauntless smile. "I'm here to propose, and since she accepts your divorce request, I believe she has no relations with you any longer and is free to marry someone else."
You remained motionless, until your cold fingers met warmth when Satoru linked his hand with yours reassuringly.
"This is treachery! I won't fucking permit it!" Naoya hollered as he faced the high priest, who had a grim face while observing this three-way headlock between the three of you.
"Emperor Naoya, that matter falls into the jurisdiction of the church." The high priest let out a sigh and then turned to you, assessing your calm gaze.
Regardless, Naoya paid him no mind. "I refuse to grant you any permission to remarry! You will be banished to the cold palace until the rest of your pitiful days! Not only do you fail miserably by being barren beyond help, you also dare to whore yourselfβ" he was now rambling curses at you before everyone in the court, and it pierced you deeplyβ
Until Satoru tugged you behind him, so that you wouldn't have to see his face any longer.
"High priest!" Satoru's voice blared as he clenched his jaw, irate at the string of profanities directed at you. "Do you still truly believe that the deposed empress can't remarry? When she has suffered through this man's downright betrayal?"
Your head was spinning. You wanted this whole ordeal to be over already.
And thankfully, even the high priest saw reason, that you were undeserving of this debacle. In the end, his words held more weight than anyone else's, even Naoya's.
"I accept Empress Y/N petition to marry Emperor Satoru!"
In the chaos of the courthouse after the high priest granted your wish, Naoya shook his head in disbelief, looking at both of you with intense disdain.
"You've always wanted that wench, haven't you, Gojo?" Naoya cackled with a malice you would never have expected from someone who had been your husband for ten years.
You had tuned out all the noise. This dumpster fire was too much even for you. But then, you felt a strong arm enveloping you, sealing your fate as the match made in this courtroomβ
"I have, yeah," Satoru replied with a smug grin. "And now that she is mine... it's just the beginning of your downfall, Zen'in."
Your wedding banquet in Western Empire lasted a week long.
True to his promise, Satoru spared no effort to make you happy. The moment he brought you to his palace, he ordered immediate plans for wedding celebrations. Make it grand, make it unforgettable... he took charge himself.
And on the final, seventh day, as you were about to be formally crowned as the empress of the western lands, you were stunned.
"This is your coronation dress, Empress," your new lady-in-waiting, Shoko, said with pride. "Gojoβ I mean, His Majesty, specifically has his late mother's dress altered to suit you."
You promised yourself that you would no longer wear any shades of crimson. As much as you loved the color, it reminded you too much of your homeland and Naoya. No matter how much you despised him now, once upon a time, he was everything you loved and more.
And you thought you couldn't possibly love another color until you saw the extravagant navy dress in your chamber. Made of luxurious satin and adorned with literal diamonds, it shimmered under the light and flowed gracefully with layers of brocade cascading to the floor.
To give you something so valuable... You had expected to enter into a marriage out of necessity, but your new husband had no intention of ceasing his ways to win your heart.
If it's with him, maybe... just maybe...
Today is the day.
Satoru sat on his throne before his court in the grand hall of his audience chamber. His hair was pulled back, and he was dressed in his official attire, robe of silk and a crown made of pure gold.
Next to him, another resplendent crown adorned with jewels and diamonds shimmered in the lightβthe empress' crown. Your crown.
Today was the day this empire would truly acknowledge his queen. He stole a glance at you on his other side, and his breath was taken away.
With your hair tucked into an elegant updo, you were the very vision of a fairytale queen. You were incredibly stunning, almost otherworldlyβ shade of blue suited you as much as crimson did, just as he thought.
This day would go down in history. But before that, he would ensure that the news would reach Zen'in Naoya. He would spite him so hard.
"Today marks a momentous occasion. We gather here to celebrate not only my marriage and my new wife's coronation," Satoru glanced at his audience with a smirk, his expression widening as he spotted his best friends Suguru and Shoko. "But also the start of her reign... and as we know it already, her fame and beauty are second to none."
The crowd burst into giggles, clearly aware of his scandal at the Eastern Empire's courthouse. And even you smiled.
Satoru shrugged, playfully rolling his eyes. "Spare me, I'm a newlywed, after all. Anyway..." His gaze shifted to the intricate crown, a relic of his late mother's, and then back to you. "Come."
You knelt before your new husband, bowing your head. The whirlwind journey from the East, your remarriage to Satoru... It had all felt surreal until this moment. Now, the weight of reality settled upon you, almost shaking your very coreβ
But just as the thought crossed your mind, Satoru placed the crown upon your head. As the jewels settled into place and you rose to face the crowd, his voice cut through the air:
"And here I present to you, your new empress!"
The room erupted in applause, the cheers echoing around you. Everyone congratulated you without fail, and your breath was taken away.
It was a sight beyond belief, as they chanted your name, over and over againβ
βALL HAIL THE EMPRESS!β
"I have something for you!"
You wouldn't expect that you would ditch your last night of wedding celebrations along with your husband, and yet here you were, led by the hand by a very giddy Satoru.
"Where are we going?" you questioned him, your pretty dress sweeping the halls in a rush.
He turned to you to send you a wink. "Trust me, sweetheart. You'll love it."
Somehow the way he called you made your heart thump a little faster inside your ribcage. This man is really, truly, your husband now.
He was such a refreshing person, it almost made you let go of everything that molded you into the perfect empress in the east, and be just... you.
"Here." Both of you stopped in front of a grand door, and he ushered you inside. "Come, come~"
A study, you realized as you stepped inside, but then a gasp left your lipsβ
"How do you find it, hmm?" Satoru put an arm around your waist, proud of how the burgundy walls and mats enveloped the entire space, creating a tranquil sight that perfectly matched your taste.
It was so much like your private study in the Eastern Empire's palace. You might now hate that place, but your private study was filled with the memories of smiles while writing back to Satoru's letters and waiting for his cat to come. And to have this now in your new home...
"You remembered..." you looked up to him, almost tearing up.
"Of course I do," he pressed a kiss on your temple. "I said that so long as you're with me, I'll turn your dream into reality, didn't I?"
This man really treasures you, or at least that was what his actions had proven so far.
"You're everything I've ever wanted and more," Satoru said, wrapping his arms around you from behind in a warm embrace. "You might not realize it, but I've been in love with you since you first visited western lands."
"What?" you turned to him with genuine confusion. "How?"
"That blind boy who you led by the hand... he had no friends," Satoru sighed against you. "The first and only person who asked him if he was lost... is you."
Suddenly, you were thrown back in time to your first encounter with Satoru many years ago. He was known as "cursed" for being born with peculiar eyes, had been blind for a period of his childhood, before he awakened the true extent of those brilliant blue eyes and brought his clan to power by wielding them.
Back then, you thought it was wrong for him to be left alone, so you took him by the hand and escorted him back to the palace, unaware that he was the infamously cursed crown prince.
"You made me feel less lonely. And I thought then... someday, somehow... through some sort of miracle in which I regained my eyesight and could see you... I'd immediately ask for your hand."
But you were named the crown princess of the Eastern Empire. The thought of how crushed Satoru must have felt upon hearing the news pricked at your heart.
You felt soft, you felt loved, and most of all, you felt an overwhelming certainty that with this man by your side, you would finally experience the genuine love that had been missing from your life for so long.
"You have me now," you whispered in response.
Unlike your first kiss in the winery village, this time, you were the one who faced him and pulled him into a searing kiss.
Be it impulse, overwhelming feelings or something else... you didn't care. You just want him.
And wouldn't you know, your new husband... is also a wonderful, dashing lover.
"You're so... fucking beautiful..." Satoru's lips were on yours, claiming them with a fierce passion that left you breathless. His hands roamed your body, tracing each curves and lines.
You moaned into his mouth, clutching his robes. He captured your wrists with one hand, using the other to tilt your head back so he could leave bruises on your neck in the process, making you moan.
"Keep making that sound, yeah?" Satoru rasped, his hot breath giving you goosebumps. "Keep me going with your voice."
As he gripped your waist, it dawned to him once again that you were here, with him.
Seeing his colors on you ignited desire straight to his cock. His empress was stunning, more so now than ever, more than any woman Satoru had ever seen.
He led you to the bed, his movements urgent yet tender. The air was thick with desire as you lay back, pulling him down with you. You arched your back, pressing yourself closer to him, craving more.
This wasn't your first time, yet you had never been this excited before. From heated kisses until somehow managing to get rid of your underwear and left you in your dress... your body nearly thrashed in response.
"Look at you... An queen of two empires, yet rendered putty in my hands," Satoru wickedly grinned as he slipped a hand under your dress, rubbing his thumb teasingly over your clit. You let out a soft sigh at the prodding. You were getting wetter by each second... and Satoru felt his cock straining against the tight material of his dress pants.
"More..." you pleaded, arching your hips. "More...!"
Any of your wishes would be his command, so he pushed two fingers inside you at once, and you let out an erotic gasp. Satoru was so close to tearing his pants off by seeing how tight you clenched around his digits.
Breathy moans fell from your lips with each harsh brush of his thumb over your clit, his fingers fucking you fastβ
"Satoru...!" you shuddered, gripping his shoulders as you became limp and came into his hands in spurts.
"My queen..." he then captured your lips in a brash kiss, and you reciprocated it. He pulled away only to press his forehead against yours in an attempt to calm his raging heart. "No matter what."
His watery, sparkling eyes was mesmerizing to you, and you took one breath before you crashed your lips into his, tangling your fingers in his hair, pulling him closer.
"As pretty as you look in this, I'm going to take it off," Satoru murmured with a meaningful smirk, slowly undoing the laces of your dress. "I want to see you completely naked... just for me."
Soon, you laid bare, and the cold air made your body shiver. Satoru clenched his jaw tightly at the scrumptious sight.
It was almost difficult for him to take in all of you at onceβyour flushed cheeks, swollen lips, erect nipples, and legs spread wantonly for him. Satoru had been here so many times in his dreams, and to see it becoming reality...
"If back then, you had chosen me insteadβ" he sounded almost heartbroken, which startled you. "I would have treated you right from the startβ"
You looked up to him. "You would..."
"Don't you know how many years... I've been just thereβ watching you and that bastard? Knowing I can do even more than him?"
"Mhm..."
You rose, tugging him closer, before you unclasped his robe, letting it fall to the floor. "Satoru... right now... I'm yours."
He allowed you to undress him and soon he too was out of his stuffy royal attire. Your eyes wandered on each part of his body you touched. His chiseled body, snow-like skin, and then the hardened bulge that sprung out the moment you undid his pantsβ
The sight of his cock alone only turned you on even more. You gently gripped the glistening head, running a thumb over the tip before gliding your hand towards the base of his length. With a gentle rhythm, your hand moved from base to tip in a slow, teasing motion... before pecking his head.
"Yeah... you're right." His eyes never left yours, admiring you as if you were the most precious gemstone, before catching you off guard. While you rubbed him, he snaked a hand around your waist, pulling you so that you tumbled on top of him.
You moaned loudly as his cockβbig, both in length and widthβentered you, his hands gripping your thighs to spread them apart so he can shove himself deeper.
You felt so, so full, as you pulled Satoru to you tightly, groaning into his shoulder. And he started to set the pace, moving against you.
"Ahh," you moaned out shakily, fingers clawing into his back. To him, the sounds you made drew him in like a siren's song, it made him throb inside you. "Ahhβhngh!"
"Feel good?" he asked, voice sultry and deep, as he thrusted into you particularly harder, causing you to stifle a moan. "Let it outβhahβsweetheart... I want to hear you, hmm?"
And you did. You felt hot. Your unabashed, nasty sounds with each thrust drove him to the edge. With every lift of your hips, you squeezed him so tightly it almost made his head spin. His breaths came in short pants too.
"You fit me so damn well," he groaned, holding your hips hard enough to leave imprints of his fingers. "So fine..."
One woman. It took just one womanβyouβto unravel him like this.
"Satoru, harderβ" You commanded, wrapping your arms around his neck even as you trembled. "N-not enough... harder!"
He actually had to swallow, because you and your pussy felt so damn tantalizing. "As you wish, Your Majesty."
He slammed his hips against yours twiceβno, thrice the previous speed, and you incoherently squealed. The squelching sound of your hips slamming against each other, and the immense wetness coming out where you two were joined... it was clear: you were addicted.
"Did Naoya ever make you feel as good as I do you now?" he drawled, sinking into you impossibly deeper, squeezing your left mound and flicking your right nipple at the same time. "Did he... ever make you ride him like this?" And then he instantly regretted his words.
Because the moment he said that, you felt cold, reminded of nights in which Zen'in Naoya grabbed you just to forcefully breed you. You winced, and Satoru caught it.
"I..." you shifted your gaze away from him, and he could've sworn that it was sorrow he saw flashing in your pretty eyes. "I-I... don't want to talk about him..."
Feeling remorseful, Satoru reached for the back of your neck and pulled you to him, kissing your lips softly. "I'm sorryβ"
"You don't have toβ"
"Tonight, I'll make you scream my name so hard you'll forget him," he promised as he pulled away from you, his eyes darkening. "Tonight, give me everything and I'll show you how a man truly loves his woman."
And he followed through. He worshipped you meticulously, treating your body with the reverence one might bestow upon delicate glass. He peppered kisses on every inch of your skin he could reach, lips and tongue trailing down, his relentless thrusts so well-paced and brutal at the same time.
"I'mβ close!" You whimpered, and yet still grinding your hips against him. He was watching your every move, every wave of pleasure that was evident on your faceβ committing it to memory for those moments when he couldn't hold you close.
You gaspedβas a mind-blowing orgasm then ripped out of your very being, your hips faltering as you surrendered to ecstasy with a cry of his name, coming all over him. "Satoru... Satoru! Ahhh!"
And Satoru kept his gaze on your face as he too busted inside of you hard, feeling himself filling your womb with his essence, his hands kept your waist steady, memorizing the way your lips part and the way your body went limp into him with satisfaction.
Dear heavens, I love you. The sight of you was nothing but perfection, and with everything he had, he was very sincere when he saidβ
"You're flawless, sweetheart."
2 MONTHS LATER
"If you give me a son, I'll throne you as the empress right on that very day."
The Eastern Empire's palace was bustling as the royal consort's screams echoed through the halls. The day Naoya had been eagerly awaiting had arrivedβhis mistress was delivering his heir.
Yet unbeknownst to him, whispers in the dark suggested the royal baby was arriving suspiciously early. Many, still mourning the previous empress who had been dethroned so abruptly, were not exactly thrilled with this turn of events.
"My lady, just a little bit more!" the maid encouraged. Hanabi strained once again as the pain peaked and her body spasmed, letting out the loudest wail as the baby finally slid out of her.
"W-what... is it?" on the brink of passing out, Hanabi asked anyone who might hear her. She had to know, for she was so close to obtaining her throneβ
"It's a girl, my lady!" the midwife announced.
What?
Her world crumbled at that very moment. A girl? A girl can't be the heir!
She wanted to sob, to utterly mourn, and right at this moment she was full of fear, because if Naoya knewβ!
Like a curse, he suddenly made his presence known in the birthing chamber. His face scrunched in distaste at the scent of blood filling the air. He took one look at Hanabi, tearful and frazzled after the ordeal, then turned to the midwife, who was trembling at his presence.
"A baby girl, Your Majesty."
In that instant, fury flashed through him. He shot everyone in the room a glare before his eyes settled on his consort, full of spite.
"You useless tramp."
Your life with Satoru in Western Empire was wonderful.
He was everything Naoya was not. Satoru adored you, prioritized your well-being and happiness, often humored you, and made your days an endless delight.
And dare you say... you had begun to return his affections as well.
How could you not? Everything he did, he did with you in mind. He eased you into your position so seamlessly, and soon you found your place comfortably at court.
"He is mixing pleasure with his kingly duties," Suguru grumbled, watching his best friend order the gardeners to plant more blue roses simply because you mentioned finding them beautiful earlier. "Empress, you have to keep a tight grip on his leash."
"Well, at least he's happy." Shoko shrugged and nudged you. "Can't you see by now? How much of a loser he is for you?"
You did see himβa man who showed you everything he had. He had given you everything you unknowingly needed.
And you just wished... you could return the same for him. It still made you bitter, knowing you might never be able to give him heirs due to your condition.
. . .
"Sweetheart... what's on your mind, hmm?"
You looked up to him as he pressed a kiss on your cheek, an arm securely around you, sweaty and panting after your steamy session.
With his hair down and messy after you yanked him earlier, your lips curved into a genuine smile. "You look hot like this, you know?"
He clicked his tongue. "Hmm, I am, of course. But no use in changing topics, I know you well enough now."
Your bare body was pressed against his chest, fingertips tracing gentle lines on his skin.
"There's a possibility that... I can't give you any children." You almost felt ashamed saying this to him, unable to look at him in the eye. "I-I... I've failed for many yearsβ"
"Hush," he silenced you with a finger to your lips, his expression firm. "No thinking that, yeah? I don't care."
"Butβ"
"Children are gifts," he said then, caressing your face tenderly. "It's not up to us to control how it'll take or not. And I married you not because I want heirs or suchβI love you, you know?"
Your glassy eyes met his, and you willed yourself not to shed a tear.
He grinned cheekily. "Besides, you've felt it yourselfβmy sexual potency is undeniable. And I don't believe for a second, that you're what that bastard claimed you to be. I bet he's the one who is impotentβ"
"Satoru! You're so obsceneβ!" you giggled freely and poked his chest.
At that time, you were just relieved that he didn't mind. Though it was still weighing in your mind on some days, you felt a newfound sense of liberation compared to when you were still in the Eastern Empire.
But you were in for another plot twist. Perhaps Satoru is correct, and your doubts are unfounded...
"Ugh..."
Your stomach churned in discomfort, a sickening nausea that seemed to twist your insides and threaten to force its way up. This had happened for days now.
You wanted to find a physician before Satoru was aware of your state. You didn't dare to hope or speculate, because you were tired of it by this point. You just wanted clarity.
Yet, the physician's words left you speechless.
"Your Majesty... it seems that you are with child," he remarked in wonder as he assessed your vein. "Yes, definitely. You are with child."
It was a revelation you hadn't expected. For years, you had been convinced that you were unable to conceive, but now...
You were carrying a new life. Yours and Satoru's.
You felt like bursting with joy as you made your way to his study. Your heart swelled with an overwhelming sense of happiness. Above anything else, you were eager to share this news with himβ
...until everything you had known turned on its axis once again.
Right before you went past the ajar door, you saw a glimpse of your husband and his most trusted confidant, overhearing snippets of their conversation:
"Satoru, however you look at it, this is tantamount to declaring war," Suguru sighed, clearly at odds with his perspective. "It's not wise."
"We can finally put an end to them this way," Satoru's tone was steely as he moved a chess piece across the map, positioning it on the border between east and west. "No better time than now."
"The Empress will face the greatest backlash from this. They'll accuse her of being vengeful enough to provoke an attack on her home countryβ"
"On the contrary, her presence will encourage those still loyal to her to defect. That's why I have her here. We need defectorsβ"
You let out a choked gasp, backing away from the door in shock. For one good minute, you refused to comprehend what Satoru was implying.
. . .
. . .
Did your new husband... marry you for his own hidden agenda?
"I do."
No, you really didn't. And as he spatted the same words you knew that he was lying too.
Synopsis: Two Clans, only one goal. Have a Gojo heir and keep them in power. Satoru and you couldn't be more different. You two were raised completely different. While he is reaching for freedom, you can only hope to have a good prison.
Could your marriage ever be a success?
Or: Satoru Gojo doesn't even know how attached he will grow to his wife yet.
Pairing: Gojo x reader
Contains: strangers to lovers, slow burn, arranged marriage, angst to comfort
Status: ongoing
Author's note: I really don't know when this will be finished, I can be very inconsistent with my writing, so be warned! I try to keep my writing without any grammar mistakes but please have in mind, English isn't my first language!
Not your husband
Contains: arrangement between the clans about your marriage, origin of your marriage, Gojo is a bit of an asshole, traditional trauma
Not fulfilling meals
Contains: Gojo sucks at communicating, first meeting with the higher ups, talking about pregnancy and 'heir', first step towards each other
Not my honeymoon
Contains: the discussion of your honeymoon (who would have guessed?), little argument with Gojo, Gojo tries to be more approaching
Not alone
Contains: a nightmare, Satoru trying to be charismatic, fluff,
Not your letter
Contains: oh oh... Well not out yet.
More will be added...
Ongoing Taglist (I will try to add everyone here, as the series progresses, but I will still tag everyone on every part):
summary. with an arranged marriage set in place, the sacred bond is doomed with a wife who wants to make the relationship work and a husband whoβs ready to ruin it all. unbeknown to him, a tragic fate already lies within the pages of his romance book.
genre. heavy angst, arranged marriage, ceo au, 18+
word count. 213k
fic warnings. mean!gojo, VERY OOC, adultery/infidelity, profanity, explicit smut, violence, emotional trauma/physical abuse from past experiences, neglect, heavy family drama, illnesses, classism, pregnancy, undertones of masochism, undertones of manipulation, abandonment issues, overall toxic relationships, graphic depictions of self-harm, suicide/murder (and attempts thereof), minor character death, plot loosely based on twotm & tre. please read with proper discretion. this is a work of fiction. all characters are written to portray roles that are necessary to the plot and are in no way a reflection of their canon counterparts.
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Your marriage to Gojo Satoru lost its initial excitement, since your husband spent all his time either at Jujutsu Tech or on exorcism missions across the world. To ease your loneliness, you picked up your favorite pastime from your student years β clubbing β behind his back. Too bad that on Satoruβs most recent mission he spots his wife dancing in a nightclub with a bunch of guys in the skimpiest dress he has ever seen on herβ¦
π desert rose by @sadistic-kiss (on going)
all jjk men x fem reader π
Toji Fushiguro finds you during one of his hitman jobs. With no idea what to do with you he decides to bring you home to his house of misfits. They werenβt picture perfect but neither were you.
π mascara by @/softstellars (on going)
geto x fem reader
You've never been a particularly good person, you're self-aware enough to know it. It's your only flaw, and recently you've actually been working to better yourself. For example: paying for a 30-dollar Uber so you can take your friend home only for her to ditch you for some guy when it comes down to it. Although youβre pissed, you decide to try and make the best of it instead of get into a screaming match with her. It's an easy thing to do when Getou Suguru is offering you everything to do just that. Everything a party entails: liquor, weed, and sex with a perfect stranger. And Getou knows perfectly well you have a boyfriend, so it's not like he'll want anything serious.
π a pearl by @lemonlover1110 (completed and posted on tumblr!)
toji x fem reader
The Fushiguros needed a nanny, and the pay was too good to not apply, especially since your family needed financial help. You were the perfect nanny for the kids, they loved you as if you were their own mother. Slowly, you built up the perfect relationship with the family. Especially with Mr. Fushiguro. A man who would constantly visit you after dark. A man who you thought had sincere intentions but at the end of the day didn't care about you. A selfish man who just saw you as a tool to make his wife mad. A man who didn't care about you but didn't want you with anyone else. A man that took away your ability to know what a healthy relationship was. You couldn't speak up about it since all the fault would fall at your feet and would be deemed as the "homewrecker".
π you, my angel and my saint by @lemonlover1110 (completed and posted on tumblr!)
toji x fem reader
sequel to a pearl!
After having an affair with your boss, you're left to deal with the consequences, those being: two exhausting new jobs and a child. A child that he never got to know the existence of. Now all you had to do was keep her hidden, which should be an easy task, right?
π rings by @/bungeemum (on going)
toji x fem reader
you divorced the man in front of you for a reason. so why was he standing on your doorstep, guilt plastered on his face, and eyes glinting with hope?
π a dangerous game by @/anaoyuo (completed)
gojo x fem reader
geto x fem reader
Both men agreed to a game about who fucks you first, but they didn't play their cards right. Gojo and Geto changed the course of the game when they decided to keep you around for way longer than intended, making you fall for their sweet way to deprave you, and now you have to face the consequences in a gamble that they call their life.
π fateβs gamble by @/anaoyuo (on going)
gojo x fem reader
geto x fem reader
sequel to a dangerous game
ηΌεβ a story about predestined affinity, set in a world where the intoxicating thrills of wealth intertwine with amorality.
π him & i by @pharixden (on going)
gojo x fem reader
toji x fem reader
sukuna x fem reader
A cheating husband, a widowed bodyguard and a malevolent fling of the past who owes a favour isnβt a combination for the faint of heart, but not every girl is a damsel in distress.
π changes by @lemonlover1110 (on going also on tumblr!)
gojo x fem reader
From childhood friends to lovers to mere strangers. Your love story with Satoru Gojo was one from a fairy tail, until it wasn't. When you were twenty-one, Satoru left you without an explanation. Five years later, you meet again but nothing is quite the same. Too many things need to be explained, especially the fact that there's another Gojo that Satoru has yet to meet.
π the man in apartment 381 by @lemonlover1110 (completed also on tumblr!)
toji x fem reader
Looking for a new beginning after the death of your husband, you move away from town. That's when you meet him, Toji Fushiguro, a widower with a three-year-old son. You two understand each other, which draws you close. Except you two don't realize that feelings would eventually develop, and neither of you want that. Feelings are the last thing you two want after finding out the great damage that they can cause. When you two discover this, it's too late.
π 4th avenue viewing by @/softstellars (completed)
nanami x fem reader
Nanami Kento is intelligent, serious, reserved and can easily catch someone in a lie. It's his job to do just that, he's renowned for it. So when he comes to your university to offer up an internship, it's quite the opportunity. Anyone would jump at the chance, except for you. But no, you just had to be the one caught in a lie.
π forgotten souls by @/killerpoultry & @/bebobopobo (completed)
sukuna x fem reader
You and Sukuna have been married for years. Even though he is brash, mean, and sadistic, you love him more than anything. While he may not show it much, he truly loves you too. One day you get into a terrible car accident and lose all your memories. You learn to live once more while Sukuna must now get you to fall in love with him all over again.
π love kills by @/sourome (on going)
i actually donβt know π i think toji x fem reader
The wealthy and successful Zenin family, well respected and seemingly perfect. But all that glitters is not gold. Toji Zenin, CEO and face of the Zenin Group acts like a gentleman but is a vile creature that has ruined many lives, such as yours. That married man dared to play with your motherβs heart many years ago, destroying her sanity and her life and ultimately killing her. Now years later and being all grown up you decide to seek revenge, he deserves to suffer that same destiny and die of love. With the help of a few friends you plan to become a part of his life and his every thought but you didn't take into account his son, that man had the potential to turn your plans upside down.
π the black swan by @uselesslydamaged (completed)
sukuna x fem reader
Loving someone is easy, but experiencing it is harder.
π bodyguard by @/succybuss (on going)
toji x fem reader
Your Grandfather, a man involved in unsavory businesses that has taken you under his wing, has informed you that you will be under the care of a full-time Bodyguard. Unhappy with your grandfather's decision, you decide to go out for a night of drinking for your last night of freedom. There, you encounter a man you planned on taking home, but life had other plans in store for you...
π violet lights by @septembersummer (completed)
gojo x fem reader
In which you're at a party that you should've skipped when you capture the attention of a boy who looks like an angel and grins like the devil. He looks beautiful in the neon lights, and maybe you just want to make your ex-boyfriend jealous, but trouble with a tongue ring does sound like fun, just for tonight. What's the worst that could happen, you know?
π starboy by @septembersummer (completed)
gojo x fem reader
sequel to violet lights
After your ex-boyfriend gets arrested on national television, you find yourself realizing that you really didnβt know much at all about Gojo Satoru. Well, heβs better known in the Yakuza as The Six Eyes, not that he ever told you that.
This is a Toji x Reader x Megumi but the smut is almost exclusively Toji x Reader focusing on their affair.
π the twist of a knife by @darkcat23 (on going)
gojo x fem reader
This world is dull, colourless in your eyes. You are just trying to keep going with your life, not bothering anyone, trying to support your mother and yourself. So what happens when you agree to help your ex one night? And what if you catch the attention of a certain white haired assassin? And he shows you just how colourful this world truly is. or, a story of a girl with a violent mind and a boy with violent tendencies, finding each other, intertwining, and feeding off one another. perhaps it is fate that has brought them together. or perhaps it's something more sinister, something more cold.
π untameable waves by @/circedemedici
(unknown i guess hopefully i can let you know)
has been taken down i dont know if itβll come back but if it does iβll link it! but iβm leaving it here because it was most definitely my favourite :(
please let me know any other fics youβve read because i love reading fics with a LOT of plot and also let me know if you end up reading any and you enjoy them as much as i did! :3
summary: but butterflies cannot see their own beautiful wings, so heβll gladly worship you quietly.
warnings: canon au, angst (please forgive me ily all), mentions of violence, vulgar language, crude humor, time-jumps, cameos from shoko, megumi, yuji, nobara :3 comfort.
word count: 16.8k
a/n: this fic has been my baby for a month, iβve poured so much love into it. treat her well <333 loosely inspired by the songs βfirst love/late springβ by mitski and βwaiting roomβ by phoebe bridgers. there are so many references to so many things in this :) some quotes that i will think about forever. hope you enjoy.
october, 2006.
βnine out of ten times.β
itβs the first sentence you say out loud after minutes of silence, and youβre given a puzzled look. it kinda makes you want to laugh, the confusion etched across his face so foreign that itβs rather intriguing. heβs golden, even under all the darkness. the world makes space for fallen angels.
βnine of ten timesβ¦ what?β
you resist the urge to thumb that furrow in his brows, the creases looking wrong upon his soft features. you only smile, snuggling closer to him. either the room is magically colder, or suguru forgot to close the window. you give him the benefit of the doubt.
βthat i would choose you.β
youβre slurring your words almost, but more from the plain laziness in your movements rather than from genuine exhaustion. suguru hums, fingers tapping along your arm. it may be around four in the morning, but you couldnβt sleep.
the both of you hadnβt been able to for a while.
not since riko, not since toji, and definitely not since the new scar trailing across your stomach. shoko hadnβt been able to make the repair seamless.
you didnβt really mind. a lot of things seemed pointless nowadays.
βand the other time?β
your eyes linger on the strand of hair that always falls imperfectly on his face. a little crack in his flawlessness, though youβre not sure how grand that observation actually is.
you sit up a bit, propping your head with your arm as you look down at his pretty brown eyes. narrow, as they currently are, but still evidently alluring.
βwell, i think itβs okay to be selfish sometimes.β you reason, voice soft. sometimes the dependency you had with suguru worried you. waves can crash, but the water itself remains. you think youβll always be bound to him. his, forever. and yet you say, βiβd choose myself. just for a bit of sanity.β
itβs meant to be lighthearted, but the silence that falls afterwards kills any tone of playfulness that statement might have held.
you wish you had been a little more greedy.
β’β’β’
september, 2007.
emotions were complicated things.
itβs complicated to process the bullet you watch fly through a childβs head. itβs complicated to process your near-death experience. itβs complicated to process process the news of your classmateβs death. itβs complicated to process how itβs expected for you to go back to normal. itβs complicated to process everything.
so you curl up further, and hope that the news youβre hearing now is only a nightmare. because again, itβs too complicated to process.
βhe killed them.β
and with the way satoru says it, repeats it, you think he wants you to sit up and hug him. be vulnerable, because god knows itβs been so long since you have.
but you lay there, back in the bed that you used to sometimes share with the criminal. the stillness makes satoruβs stomach drop, and he canβt will himself to say it again just for the chance of getting a reaction from you. but how much pain can a heart take? because it felt like yours might give out at any moment.
you didnβt sign up for this.
naively, no, you didnβt sign up for this.
βhow many?β
youβre not sure why you ask. any number would have you spiraling, but with the silent refusal satoru gives by not replying immediately, youβre sure the answer would kill you alone.
he knows. he knows the exact number, heβd seen the report.
but he stares at your desolate form, eyes scanning the mess in your room. or, lack of. he hardly saw you get get out of bed these days if it werenβt for missions. the only sign of movement from you were the plushies that used to adorn your bed, now sprawled on the floor. for a second, he wonders if theyβre gifted from who he thinks theyβre from. but that thought feels stupid the moment he thinks of it, because - yes. of course they were. that man had loved you like his lungs naturally loved air. he loved freely, graceful in the way he cared. about satoru, about you. anyone, really.
so saturo makes a decision, hoping that it alleviates a little bit of the ache that he now concludes he will attempt to shield you from. because he cares about you too much to see you succumb to your own internal wounds. he wants you to be strong, like him. like suguru was. he canβt lose you too.
βi donβt know.β satoru lies, and he hopes that sentence can at least ease your heartbreak. but he feels it just as much. sorrowful, the kind of pain heβs been too familar with for a while now. he frowns when you donβt move.
obstruct from his view, your hands grip your sheets as tight as humanly possible, and youβre sure that you break skin through the fabric. you want to cry, but you canβt. not in front of satoru. not while heβs right there.
because this doesnβt affect you. you didnβt care.
so what? suguru had left you to the wolves. to fend for yourself. he became a monster. it didnβt bother you.
and you try to convince yourself to think the same when satoru sits beside you. youβre still thinking it as his shaking hand places itself on your side.
but you give up when he lays beside you, feeling his grief. and that pain only cements itself further as you begin to quietly sob months worth of misery.
you donβt feel much better after.
β’β’β’
march, 2008.
nine out of ten times, youβd like to be given the option to wipe your memory.
the other time would be the ability to travel to the past. itβs hard to decide which could be better, or arguably worse. maybe you could save haibara - tag along on that stupid mission and fight that stupid curse. switch places with him, even. the world seemed a lot duller without him in it. nanami spoke even less than he did before. you couldnβt keep up a conversation with him.
was it irrational to think that you might have been able to kill toji too? he just caught you on an off-day. youβre the reason he killed riko. itβs your fault that a child is dead.
thereβs so much to be sad about, youβve started to confuse those ugly feelings with plain normality. itβs natural to feel like this. you canβt really remember better days. theyβve blurred, causing twisted retroactive interference.
your rock had fled. any form of stability you had crumbled with the weight of your sorrow, and youβre forced to miserably pick yourself back up because youβve never really been used to being alone. satoru wasnβt really around anymore, and shoko never left her studies. you certainly werenβt abandoned, but, unfortunately, you understood that grief couldnβt just halt time forever.
youβve mourned so much, it feels silly to still have the same ache.
but how do you even move on? whatβs the process like? because youβre almost certain you wouldnβt be able to survive it.
youβve began to rid any remnants of him in your room; any proof of his existence. clothes, specifically, because they hold on to his scent, and you think if you stop for a moment to actually look at them you might break down again. you see memories in them. times where heβs worn the black t-shirts, or his white button-up. insignificant at first glance, but itβs your life youβre holding on to.
you stuff them into bags as quickly as you can.
if heβs not here, he canβt hurt you.
at least, not anymore than he already had.
you think itβs cruel that youβre stuck with a personβs presence even if theyβre not physically there anymore. youβll always associate this room with him. the world, at that.
and maybe itβs childish that your first response (after the sulking) is to trash his belongings, but you canβt think of anything more rational to do. the universe will move on without him. you canβt be left behind too.
when youβre finished, youβre not sure if the sight of five large trash bags and an emptier room makes you want to sob or hit something. itβs like life has lost itβs color - a new vision, duller than what was deemed humane. torturous.
yet you canβt bring yourself to pick them up and take them out of the room. youβre idle, staring at them like theyβre just meant to disappear. you hadnβt realized how much your room consisted of just him.
trash, is what youβre unintentionally calling everything in them. but you donβt think that, never in a million years.
if it were up to you, youβd keep everything exactly where it was, and obliviously continue a cheery facade. but the thing about awareness is that after itβs discovered, you canβt really leave it. itβs branded into your mind, poking at your brain with a stick because it will annoyingly never have the intention to leave you alone.
itβll sit with you in your darkest hours, and youβre unable to predict when light will shine through.
βdump them.β
you jump, defenses high on alert as you instinctively fall back. almost immediately after, you drop your hands, sighing.
shoko is leaning against the doorway, arms crossed. youβre about to ask her how long sheβs been standing there for, but her lingering gaze on your conflicting pile of issues answers your question before you have the chance to.
βiβll do it for you.β she offers, finally looking up to meet your eyes. theyβre a little sunken in, and she looks restless. itβs the first time youβve seen her in nearly two weeks. sheβs ditched the short hair since a few months back, the length sitting comfortably at her chest now.
you dumbly stare, non-respondent on purpose. you donβt want her to do that.
she seems to recognize the discomfort on your face at her suggestion, and you watch as her brows bitterly furrow, a small glare now directed at the bags. but you donβt get much emotion other than that.
βyou canβt cling on to this shit. itβs unhealthy.β she softly explains, shaking her head. you wonder if thatβs her medical opinion or genuine concern speaking, but you donβt ask her to elaborate. instead, you turn around, taking a seat at the edge of your bed.
you kind of want her to leave.
βwhatβs healthy, then?β you retort, shrugging. it sounded a bit hypocritical coming from her. shoko had barricaded herself for the past six months, not even offering an ounce of genuine sympathy. in reality, you know itβs because sheβs naturally avoidant. she didnβt crave support like you did. she didnβt need it like you had. because shoko has always been independent, never strung up on people. and you envy that more than anything.
βi donβt know.β she answers honestly, pursing her lips. but with one look around your room, and sheβs certain it wasnβt this.
hesitantly, lets herself inside, eyes scanning the bareness. if it were any other day, sheβd see suguru at your desk, or on your bed. heβd wave, and you would greet her with open arms. everyone knew the two of you were nearly inseparable (if it werenβt for satoru). the room always had a pleasant atmosphere when the two of you were in it. it feels cold and grim now, though. shoko has to fight a shiver.
you observe her, waiting for a joke or two. youβre nearly hoping, because any form of comedic relief had begun to be your craving. you needed an escape from all of this.
but instead, she turns back to you and wordlessly sits beside your tense form. itβs quiet for a bit.
thereβs a charm that shines on the top of your desk, catching her eye. it dangles among other souvenirs, and shoko has to avert her eyes when she realizes that theyβre all gifts from a certain deceased underclassman.
everything about this room feels like a graveyard.
βsatoru comes back today.β shoko suddenly says, letting the first thing she can think of be verbalized. her eyes stay on the wooden floor this time. βheβs been in kyoto for a couple of days.β
you hum, nodding. you didnβt know.
if shoko kept her distance, then it was like satoru had completely faded. you couldnβt even remember the last time he had texted you.
then again, you werenβt sure if youβd even respond.
βi was thinking we could eat dinner togetherβ¦ when he gets back.β
your head perks up. barely.
that sounded familiar. mostly because it had been a routine up until recently. never verbally established, but it was natural for you and shoko to be accompanied by two towering sorcerers as you ate whatever satoru had decided on for the day. he was a picky eater. thereβs a bitter taste on your tongue as you realize youβd be missing a member now.
βwe can.β you nod, awkwardly kicking your feet back and forth. silence again.
you can feel shokoβs annoyance. how sheβs trying to get you to talk, but youβre stupidly stubborn and refuse to. however, she knows you a little too well, and plays the waiting game. because she knows youβre weak when it comes to your heart, and weaker when it comes to the people you love. her included.
itβs not a relief when you finally break. if anything, itβs painful to hear, to watch. and though itβs only one question, itβs so complicated that it feels like youβve asked her how the universe itself was created. simultaneously, itβs equally as simplistic.
it doesnβt even sound sad. itβs hollow, void of any distinct emotion. youβre staring at the wall.
βshokoβ¦β you donβt pay attention to how she stills and watches you intently. youβre oblivious to the frown on her face, how she leans in just a little closer. and the widening of her eyes as you finish speaking. βhow are youβ¦ okay?β
you feel particularly pathetic. shoko was so strong. satoru was the strongest. and yet here you were, more fragile than ever. on an alter, youβre a mere viewer from below. simply watching perched gods, basking in all their glory. the difference always evident, never comparable.
and yet shoko stares for a little, dumbfounded.
no, absolutely no one was βokay.β the world was crumbling in front of everyoneβs eyes. but youβve always been a reminiscent person, she supposes. you search for familiarity. itβs harder for you to let go.
βdid i tell you that?β she asks, more rhetorically than anything. thereβs a teasing tone that her voice holds, but it does little to rid the tension of your question. you slowly shake your head.
βthen how do you know thatβs true?β
you shrug, fiddling with your fingers. βi donβt know.β
you want to tell her that your thoughts are purely based on toxic comparisons to yourself, but the air feels a little thick already, so you donβt.
βcβmere.β
there is no protest made when she wraps her arms around you, and forces you to fall into your bed with her. the pillows under your heads dip, and youβre enveloped in the softness of your blankets. shokoβs warm, and if you closed your eyes you might mistaken her hold to be like a motherβs affection. evident adoration, just by the touch. youβre derived and soak it up as much as you can, leaning into her.
it reminds you of late nights where youβd have sleepovers and gossip until the sun came up. too tired to train the next day, yaga ordering laps regardless of your visible fatigue. and youβd run with gleeful smiles, energy lifting as you were side-by-side again. an unexplainable friendship one could never truly describe with words, just pure thoughts. itβs sickeningly nostalgic, because you think about the fact that it really had not been that long ago. how quickly things change.
shoko nuzzles her face into your hair affectionately and sighs. she squeezes you tightly. declarative - βiβm right here.β never enough to make up for the lost time and avoidance, but enough for now. because shoko didnβt act like this normally, and for you to see her in such a state meant more than just any regular apology.
βi think you know how to love better than any of us.β she admits, and that sentence alone has you curling a little more into her, your chest suddenly feeling tight. she leans in, and her lips form into a sorrowful smile as she observes you. full of pure understanding. again, a connection that could not be made with words. it feels a little spiritual. she brushes a stray strand of hair away from your face. βthatβs why you find it all so painful.β
hesitantly, you offer a sad smile, her words all bittersweet. it makes you laugh a little distastefully, the reality of them hitting you at once. βwell, thatβs not fair.β
βitβs not.β shoko agrees, nodding. βbut itβs a lovely thing.β
you make a face. recently, itβs only brought you suffering. the good bits donβt seem as worth it - as βlovelyβ as she describes.
you pause, contemplating for a little. and your voice is affirmative, like youβve never been more sure in your life. you kinda sound like a naive child.
βi donβt want it. take my feelings. i donβt like them.β
itβs true. itβs the biggest truth youβve ever told with the biggest sincerity. and you know itβs not possible, that youβre stuck like this forever. a soft, easygoing heart that beats for everyone around it. your words make shoko snort - a real genuine laugh. you giggle through watery eyes.
βthe world sucks.β
this time, it is a pitying smile that shoko gives you. lop-sided, and hesitant. she feels bad.
her arms leave you, and she opts to instead lay facing you, faces mere inches from one another. youβre both laying on your cheeks, against folded hands. shoko taps your nose.
βyou know what i think?β
you hum, sniffing a little as you try to focus on the small amount freckles across her face instead of the overwhelming urge to let some tears fall. it works, for the most part. you count twenty.
βi think the world gives strong feelings to strong people.β
you smile at that.
shoko was something else.
βiβm pretty fucking strong then, arenβt i?β you mumble, tired eyes blinking as you sigh. shokoβs eyes crinkle as she returns the fondness, a hand resting on your cheek.
βdefinitely.β
and you can only hope sheβs right.
thereβs nothing that interrupts those sweet moments of tranquillity. where you can act like everything is just a little better, because in all honesty, it was. shokoβs good at making you feel like that.
if you really thought hard enough, this could be just another regular day. you want it to be.
you feel shokoβs finger poke your chest, and she gives you a pointed look. itβs like she could read your mind - subconsciously, as if she had the ability of a third eye.
βit gets easier. every day it gets a little easier. but you gotta do it every day β thatβs the hard part.β
she leaves it at that.
you lay together, appreciating each otherβs mere presence. and it feels nice. support, like you craved, but words even more. you arenβt able to formulate how much you adore her, but actions speak louder than words, so you shuffle just a tiny bit closer.
youβre not sure how much time passes by.
when shoko stands up, she rids you of her warmth, leaving the cocoon of wonder and comfort sheβd so gracefully created for you. yet you feel fine, that isolating shiver now replaced with content. you think you feel a little lighter too.
βbe outside by seven. if itβs up to me, weβll all get sushi. no promises though.β
sheβs back to being more standoffish, but still your same shoko. you nod appreciatively, the thankfulness worth the weight of a million tons. your eyes follow her as she walks across the room.
the door shuts, and youβre left alone again.
you can feel your heart beat a little faster, the realization of your commitment to the later plans finally dawning upon you. it would be the first real reunion since then. maybe a chance to talk things out. be levelheaded, get some communal closure.
or, maybe youβd be able to ignore the past and focus on the present. just act like friends eating lunch. because thatβs all it was, wasnβt it?
begrudgingly, you force yourself to stand, too aware of the fact that your habits of wasting time in bed have far exceeded a reasonable amount over the past few months. it was time to get better, be better.
your hands grab the first bag.
itβs heavy, as you imagine all the other ones are. but you suppose if you donβt think about whatβs in them, itβll make the process a lot smoother.
youβre nearing the door when you stop.
itβs a small paper, itβs yellow exterior almost blending in with the sunlight escaping through the windows. you inch closer.
and itβs pathetic that the sight of his handwriting on a sticky-note makes you lose your breath. shameful, because how are inanimate objects this damaging?
itβs hung above your desk. by haibaraβs gifts, and by notebooks you never really used in this academically-lackluster school.
you stare at it for a while, hand resting over your forehead as you take in every minuscule detail. you let go of the bag.
itβs the last note suguru had ever left you, made a few weeks before his disappearance. before everything went downhill. little poetic phrases that would embed themselves in your mind until death. youβre afraid to look.
itβs neatly written, displayed in purple ink. doodles of clouds and flowers surround the words. he had a habit of leaving them around. you suppose you never caught this one.
thereβs a little heart next to his signature, encapsulating just a memory of lost devotion.
βhow strange to dream of you, even when i am awake.β
your hand crumbles the note in a second.
the paper is evidently weak, and when you open your hand back up, the words are still clearly there, haunting you. and you know you donβt have the heart to throw it away. or, realistically - throw anything away.
you fold the note gently, and leave it on your desk. your body yearns to leave, to escape the suffocation of what suddenly felt like walls that were caving in. you slam the door on your way out, bags and all left behind.
youβd definitely prefer to wipe your memory.
β’β’β’
april, 2005.
βyouβre so annoying.β
satoru grins, standing proudly as you repeatedly attempt to hit him on the head, your touch stopped by his infinity. heβd only recently learned how to control it decently - claiming that he needed to because you had a bad habit of using him as your punching bag.
βyou know what though? this is a good thing.β you muse, arms crossing as you finally give up. satoruβs head tilts, and you raise a brow. βno one wants to touch you anyways.β
thereβs a dramatic pout that immediately finds itself on his face, and he whines from instinct, letting his guard down for a moment to shove you. you slap his arm before he has a chance to react.
βsheβs right.β suguru nods affirmatively, earning a gasp from the white-haired male, and suddenly, suguru is being shoved too. you giggle, briefly making eye contact with him. itβs a little too quick for your preference, but the stolen glance has you holding your breath for a moment.
itβs exhilarating.
suguru is beautiful in a way that is hard to describe. but itβs not from a loss of words; you can speak endlessly about him. heβs everything a person could dream of and more. but itβs little gestures that truly draw you to him. how it seems like he always lingers, attentive and patient no matter what boulders you seem to throw at him. heβll carry that weight on his shoulders easily, and with the most effortless smile. itβs a gentleness that you werenβt even sure was possible before you met him. he defies all expectations, all normalities.
βoh, i forgot to ask-β satoru turns to you, raising his brows. sometimes his glasses bothered you. his eyes were freakish, yes, but you also had a conflicting urge to always look at them. βhowβd your mission go yesterday?β
you cringe, involuntarily stiffening as you replay the events in your head.
βstupid semi-first grade. i let my guard down for a second and it almost clawed me.β you sighed, rolling your eyes. you fail to notice suguruβs eyes widen. βbut we exorcised it right after. i swear i saw nanami shit himself.β
thereβs a stark difference in reactions from both boys. while satoru snickers, suguru stays quiet. white and black.
βglad youβre still with us.β satoru beams, ruffling your hair before you have a chance to swat his hand away. βright, suguru?β
all attention flocks towards him, and you and satoru patiently await his response. heβs looking off to the side.
he feels a little childish.
thereβs an uncomfortable pit in suguruβs stomach that he canβt shake off, and he swallows thickly, nodding with a dismissive cough. βyeah, glad it went well.β
obliviously, you flash him a thankful smile.
it makes him feel the tiniest bit better.
he wished yaga would pair you two together, or even put you with satoru. an actual backup - not someone below your skill level. haibara and nanami werenβt comparable; they were still new to jujustu. younger, less experienced. he holds a little resentment towards your abilities, and while he knows youβre never sent on missions that are tougher than you can handle, he always has an inkling of worry that lingers uncomfortably. he hates not being around you - not knowing if youβre okay. and he knows youβre a reckless fighter. you brush off the mention of critical injuries and move on, completely unbothered. the burden of stress came so easily when he was around you and satoru.
βyou have another one tomorrow, right?β
you hum, nodding as you fiddle with the end of your uniform, sighing softly. βitβs across town i think. not sure whoβs coming with me yet - maybe itβll be shoko if i beg hard enough.β
suguru has to fight a wince. also not an ideal companion. shoko didnβt specialize in combat.
sheβd only be actual help if you were wounded, and -
βwhy not me or satoru?β
he speaks before he thinks, and iternally, he punches himself in the face. he can see satoru stop moving in his peripheral vision. he thinks he sees a smirk. coy, but no words come out.
scoffing, you deadpan. βwhereβs the practice in that? you guys will kill it before i even get a chance to see it.β
and thatβs true, because itβs happened dozens of times before. show-offs.
βwe can get kikufuku after!β satoru exclaims, completely disregarding you as you begin to protest rather loudly. βiβve been craving it. i havenβt had it since last week!β
βwait longer.β you sneer, glaring at him. βi rather go alone.β
now that, suguru would verbally be clearly against, without any hint of shame.
βboo.β satoru deflates, rolling his eyes at you. βthat wonβt even happen.β
it wouldnβt. you hadnβt earned that trust yet - the absolute certainty that youβd survive if you did a mission alone.
suguruβs glad.
βnot yet.β you chirp, and the hopeful smile on your face doesnβt help anything. βbut soon enough.β
thereβs that unwavering aura you always hold that makes suguru feel a little sick. itβs determination, stubbornness, that follows you and keeps you whole. when you talk like that, words void of any doubt, he knows you mean it. and youβll accomplish it, because your will for achievement is stronger than your rationality.
but he has you now, right in front of him, so heβll ease himself of the worry. for now.
βin a million years.β satoru remarks, sticking his tongue out at you, not even bothering to look your way as you hold up a rather unpleasant finger in his direction. playful banter was regular between you two; you fed off of each otherβs energy. suguru seemed to be the mediator.
an observer, with eyes particularly always lingering on one certain person.
β’β’β’
spring has flowers blossoming again, and you feel inclined to stay out for as long as possible. the confinements of your dorm feels like an obstacle, and itβd be a waste to miss out on the beauty that winterβs absence welcomed.
itβs perfect weather.
the cursed weapon in your hand had begun to feel rather light, your arm adapting to the overpowering weight. you disliked close-range combat, but you were being sent on tougher missions now, so there was no room for complaints. your abilities needed to strengthen.
and itβs frustrating, really. to have to constantly forgo complete confidence and figure out where youβre weakest; you could easily make a list with areas of needed improvement. a lot of your classmates seemed to lack that issue. you suppose whatβs worse is that youβre completely aware it wasnβt a competition - but you had convinced yourself that at the least, you needed to stay on their level.
even if that meant working ten times harder, even if that meant exerting yourself past a reasonable amount.
but this routine has gotten you this far, and, sincerely, it hadnβt been too much of a problem to keep up with.
in fact, you could probably do a little more.
βyou shouldnβt train so much, youβll strain yourself.β
your stance falters, though you easily recover within the same second. maybe a little too late, but you tried not to be nit-picky. he was naturally quiet.
βi gotta keep up with everyone somehow.β you quickly grin, trying to calm the visible pants of your labored breathing. itβs futile, and you momentarily turn away, as if embarrassed to look anything but perfectly composed. to look less than him - or anyone, really.
your back is towards him.
suguru can read you perfectly. itβs with ease thatβs almost completely overbearing, and some part of him believes that heβs only been put on earth to watch out for you. like it knows that you arenβt the kindest when it comes to yourself.
itβs so natural that he supposes it might be his true purpose.
you only hear him hum from behind you, and suddenly thereβs a weight pushing down on your raised weapon, ushering it towards the floor. gentle fingers graze against yours, and you let him grab it from you, albeit with some hesitation. he places it on the floor.
βletβs take a break, yeah?β
he doesnβt even need to coerce you, youβd follow him blindly if he asked. you always do.
and heβs leading you, knowing youβre behind him without having the urge to look back and check. exhaustion lingers, but youβre too entranced by him to focus on the sore ache of your limbs. heβs graceful as he walks.
βwe trained this morning.β
you freeze momentarily, looking off to the side with a shrug. itβs not that he sounds hostile - itβs just a bit more monotone than normal. βpractice makes perfect.β
suguru makes a noise of acknowledgment, but it sounds a bit absentminded and dull, lacking any understanding. like a huff of annoyance.
βright.β
he shouldnβt be this bitter, this cold, when speaking to you. itβs rough against his tongue, and his entire body, mind and all, is actively telling him to stop. emotions are ugly things, though. it makes people less rational; less aware - say things they may regret.
suguru slows his steps, up until youβre beside him, where you should be. and by a glance at you, he knows heβs gotten too uncharacteristically rigid. youβre looking at him, confusion clouding your head. concern, actually. he sees it now.
βdid i do something wrong?β
the meekness in your voice, haunted with worry, clears his senses in a millisecond. his eyes widen. panicked, he feverishly shakes his head.
βno β no. of course not.β
he sees you relax a bit, but youβre still looking questionably at him. your head tilts. βthen?β
suguru sighs, swallowing thickly as he stops walking. itβs an enchanting sight, grassy fields just a little off main campus. you see a few flowers.
you follow after him as he sits, greenery cushioning your bodies as you settle. suguru picks at the weeds, his eyes on the floor. he speaks quiet, voice among the gentle breeze as his hair flows in waves. you have the urge to remove his hair-tie and see it fully.
βi just worry about you.β
you donβt even attempt to hide the slight flustered smile that finds itself on your face, body feeling overwhelmingly warm. heβs avoiding eye contact for once. l
itβd be a lie if you claimed you didnβt notice the tension - the smiles, the laughs, the soft-spoken volume of his pure voice. so silky smooth itβd rid you of all your worries in a second. but thereβs something so alluring about never saying it out loud. like itβs your little secret the two of you can keep, because adoration itself is something so beautiful it needed to be dragged out for as long as possible. youβve grown to be a little impatient, though.
you nudge him teasingly.
βdonβt. iβm right here.β
and itβs true; suguru sees it as a privilege. to be around your presence, to just talk to you β he worships the ground you walk on, and heβs not sure how to tell you that might be the reason why he worries so much.
instead, he chuckles, head bowing momentarily.
βi wish it were that easy.β
you bring your knees to your chest, giggling lightly.
heβs cute.
undeniably.
βit is.β you urge, dragging out the last syllable as you sway towards him. he meets your eyes. βjust trust me like i trust you.β
suguru thinks that youβre sometimes oblivious to the weight of your words. they can be so intimate, and youβll deliver them like any other sentence. as if you hadnβt just made his stomach churn, and his heart beat a little faster. he trusts you more than a healthy amount. heβd trust you with his life, his future β heβd leave everything in the palms of your hands.
βi do.β he replies, reassuringly. itβs earnest, and you smile. suguru bites the inside of his cheek, and closes his eyes. βitβs everything else that scares me.β
and thereβs really nothing you can really do to help that fear, because you know itβs completely reasonable and realistic. tomorrow is never promised, especially with the hectic lives you live. you want to tell him that you have similar thoughts when he and satoru are out for days at a time, no return window strictly placed. that it has you pacing back and forth until their arrival, and even then you downplay your relief. but thatβs a little embarrassing to say when heβs listening so intently, so you keep quiet.
you turn to him, shrugging with a smile you pray looks more optimistic than sorrowful.
βwe can only ever hope for the best.β
a little hollow, less declarative than preferred, but it works the same. suguru nods in silent agreement.
suguru used to think that exceptional beasts like you and him could not fall in love β that it was the secret of ordinary people. for beings, who can alter the world, were special in indescribable ways. but heβs grown to be more open-minded, more accepting.
because what else could he do? you were so irresistible that it ceased the existence of his birth-given psychology. his mind, altered just for you.
βyou knowβ¦ you donβt have to prove yourself of anything.β
this time, itβs suguru who nudges you. he leans in, and you feel his hair brush against your arm. it tickles, but you donβt flinch. your body naturally welcomes the proximity, tingles and goosebumps etching across your skin. you squint, waiting for him to elaborate. and he does, with one validating sentence that kinda erases the possibility of self-doubt. just for a bit.
βi think youβre strong.β
heβd move stars for you, talk to the moon if it meant you got to keep the shimmer in your pretty eyes. and heβd ask the sun to stay out longer so he could continue seeing your rosy cheeks.
heβd gladly live for infinity if he could be the reason you get flustered forever.
youβre very pretty like this.
his eyes are watchful, observant as you scoff bashfully, avoiding him. and you quietly respond, with that same soothing voice. he thinks it could be a lullaby.
βi think youβre strong too.β
suguru smiles, nodding and all-knowing. he pokes you playfully.
βi know.β
youβd complain, but his tone lacks any arrogance. just a statement, enough said. because he knows how you think, how you observe.
and while you donβt say it out loud, your eyes are telling him βthank you.β
how beautiful the act of reading an expression is. of knowing a person so easily itβs like clockwork, unraveling intricate details to form a conscious understanding.
he watches your eyes narrow, and awaits a question he knows is on the tip of your tongue. your face looks a certain way during contemplation.
βyou like doing this stuff?β you ask, tilting your head. βbeing a sorcerer, i mean.β
as if the two of you had other options. you didnβt.
but thereβs something comforting about answering known questions. speaking the obvious into existence, letting the information linger in the air.
βi like it.β suguru replies, smiling. βif you get rid of the bad stuff.β
his voice gets quieter at the end, but you save him the questioning glance and smile back.
you hum, nodding. βlike what?β
and you can name a million bad things. every day is a reminder of them. the two of you have that in common. but thankfully, the world has been kind enough to not let you experience them. your optimism hadnβt been tainted.
and as you expressed to him β you try not to dwell over the ticking clock, only ever hoping for the best.
suguruβs hands are behind him, propping himself up as he gazes at sheer, distant clouds. the sky is a pretty mix of yellow, orange, and red. evening approaches.
βwell, all that self-sacrificing stuff for the betterment of mankind β for starters.β he sighs, head leaning back. you wonder if you imagine the way the slight slivers of sun sparkle against his skin, and how angelic his aura seems in that very moment.
you scoot a little closer, gaze matching his as you look upwards.
βweβre helping so many people, though.β you reply, glancing at him for a second. his eyes are closed, like a cat basking in the warmth of the light. you want to kiss his cheek.
βwe are.β
βi think itβs cool.β
βit is cool.β he affirms, nodding. one eye opens, and he shamelessly stares as you obliviously observe the world. suguru is suddenly grateful that this view is currently only reserved for him, as heβs sure anyone would fall in love with you in this exact moment. yet, at the least, he wants you to see yourself in his neutral vision.
but butterflies cannot see their own beautiful wings, so heβll gladly worship you quietly.
he looks at your hand on the grass, right beside his. itβs contemplation thatβs been built up for months, thoughts of you invading all his senses. suguru figures that if he had a flower for every time heβs thought of you, he could walk through a garden forever. he inches his fingers closer.
and pauses when theyβre less than a centimeter away, pulling back as you break the silence.
βi mean, iβd die for you guys too.β
suguru tenses, and you grow nervously quiet from the sight of his surprised expression, feeling suddenly embarrassed. an awkward laugh leaves your lips in an attempt to ease the gloom of your words, and you mindlessly wave your hand. βif it came down to it, yβknow.β
you would in a heartbeat. youβd do it a thousand times over if you could, but you donβt tell him that. that proclamation is reserved for only you.
and as suguru looks over at you, stares, he doesnβt think heβll ever despise an idea more than he does now. itβs blazing, the thought horrendous.
βdonβt say stuff like that.β he demands, shaking his head brazenly. you can feel his eyes still on you, and heβs lost his smile. βdonβt ever.β
all the defense, the stoicism, stemming from the thought that β yes. he 100% believed you would die for anyone. and that terrified him more than anything.
suguru isnβt sure how to communicate his thoughts in a softer way. he doesnβt mean for his demeanor to grow so cold again, but it bothers him - makes him sick - that you can say things like that so easily.
βi didnβt β iβm sorry.β you stutter, eyes wide. you swallow thickly, βsorry.β
and again, itβs hard to be upset with you.
but this, he can be against. he needs to be.
βyou canβt think like that.β suguru speaks, softer this time. itβs pleading, as if heβs begging for a bit of mercy. and he is. βplease.β
he wants to tell you that itβs okay to be selfish, to prioritize yourself first. but it would seem a bit hypocritical coming from him, because he knows heβd throw everything away in a whim if it meant keeping you safe.
love blinds him, he supposes.
βokay.β you nod, eyes on the floor. βi wonβt.β
youβre considerate enough to lie, despite knowing full well that your words donβt align with your mind whatsoever. and you think suguru knows that.
heβs staring. you can feel it, eyes as intense as a midnight sky. you feel a little afraid to look up and meet them.
but itβs only instinct when he speaks your name softly, a coaxing whisper among suffocating tension.
you think he looks ethereal when being clouded with concern. godly, towering upon you. the magnitude of his gaze truly shows with the lack of distance. you register the feeling of his hand on yours before anything else, the touch searing from pure shock. a large palm covers your skin.
ββ¦ iβm sorry. i just care about you a lot.β
worry is care. itβs one of the greatest devotions β the act of panic for another person.
suguru thinks that romance may actually be the most horrific thing in life. that itβs not curses, but love. itβs the deepest weakness.
βyou kill me when you get injured β when you speak like that.β he mutters, and the two of you donβt say a thing as his hand inches higher.
it feels a little harder to breathe.
βcanβt promise iβll stop.β you reply, a pitying smile finding itβs way on your face as you watch him close his eyes briefly.
βi know.β
suguru feels a little like a broken record player, doomed to repeat the same phrases like itβs clockwork.
itβs futile, youβre mutually aware.
he canβt control you, heβs unable to dictate what decisions you make β no matter how stupid, or how horrid they are to him. but he canβt bring himself to stop trying. maybe, if youβre reminded your value, youβll eventually think the same.
but, honestly, the way youβre looking at him right now could make him believe anything.
βdid you find out whoβs joining you tomorrow on your mission?β
the corner of your mouth quirks upwards, and he knows your answer before you say it out loud. he grins.
your other hand places itself on top of his, and you smile back. heart giddy, but you try your best to keep your composure.
βi pulled a few strings.β
β’β’β’
december, 2015.
you wonder if growing up not only changes your body, but your soul.
because it takes a long time to realize how truly miserable you are, and even longer to see that it doesnβt have to be that way.
itβd be kinda hard to feel your unhappiness now, regardless.
βi prefer if you keep them outside, megs.β you wince, eyeing the dirt-covered paw prints on the hardwood floor.
the two perpetrators stand on either side of their summoner.
flushed and clearly embarrassed, megumi curtly nods. his hair moves the slightest with the movement, and he turns his head away from you, kicking his foot back and forth. βsorry, i wasnβt thinking.β
the dogs leave your eyesight quickly after. you snort, playfully rolling your eyes at him, walking over to ruffle the dark spikes on his head.
βitβs okay, donβt worry about it.β you smile, silently pleased when he doesnβt move away from the ministration. heβs always been more lenient with you, a fact you hold high over a certain white-haired sorcerer. βplus, iβll just make satoru clean it up.β
if you had blinked, you might had missed the way megumiβs mouth quirks up, satisfaction clear as day. it makes you giggle, up until you finally inspect him closer. your eyes linger on the dirt covering the side of his white shirt, and you softly sigh, pursing your lips.
βhow was the curse?β you ask, nudging him a little where the stains are most prominent. βroughed you up a bit, huh?β
megumiβs introduction to jujustu wasnβt entirely seamless, but he was definitely a natural. an anomaly, like satoru. born with talent.
you watch as his face turns sour, and his eyes suddenly narrow, the stoic expression more familiar. he avoids your gaze and looks at the door expectantly, mumbling something under his breath.
βwhat?β you reply, brows furrowing as you lean a little closer in hopes heβll repeat himself. megumiβs mouth opens again, and heβs about to, but an obnoxious βiβm backkkk!β interrupts him.
you share an unimpressed look with the younger boy.
satoru strides inside, whistling with a grin. youβve spent too much time with him, years ticking off your lifespan from both the annoyance and contentment that he simultaneously brings into the world. he and megumi had left early in the morning, and it was around midday now β too long with him, as you can clearly pinpoint on latterβs face.
satoruβs hands are in his pockets, and he shuts the door with his shoulder, leaning back against it.
βmissed us?β he smiles, and he walks over to throw an arm around megumi, which is immediately thrown off. satoru glares momentarily, but quickly looks back up at you, clearing his throat. βmissed me?β
you stare, sighing softly before gently tugging megumi towards you.
βi missed megumi.β you correct, crossing your arms. your head motions to him, βand why does it look like he got pushed on the floor? i thought you said-β
βit was a grade three!β satoru immediately exclaims, and points to the boy beside you in accusation. βhe told me not to get involved.β
despite his adult frame, satoru never really outgrew his childishness, still quick to blame anyone other than himself. his defensiveness was mildly irritating, but you've come to grow used to it. your head shakes disapprovingly, and you huff. βheβs thirteen, you idiot.β
satoruβs smile turns a little mischievous as megumi looks at you quizzically, a frown on his face. βso?β
you rub your head in annoyance, ignoring satoruβs βoooo,β and gently flick megumi on the forehead. βyouβre not an official student yet. dealing with curses by yourself can wait. for now, you fight with satoru.β
satoru dramatically sighs, and much to your dismay, approaches you. his arm infamously wraps itself around your frame, body leaning towards you, and it feels like the weight of an elephant, crushing you as you stumble. he doesnβt let up. βyou worry too much. and he exorcised it! maybe with a little less ease than expected, but-β
he grunts when a hand collides with his side, and youβre too busy pushing him off to see the way he sticks his tongue out at megumi.
maybe your concerns were a little irrational, but your heart was in the right place. megumi was still young, still enrolled in a normal middle school β albeit, close to his last year β and you had originally planned to keep him completely innocent for just a while longer. no world of killing, curses, and whatnot. but satoru had pushed him into it within the first few months of his complicated adoption, and you secretly knew that there was nothing you could do to completely shield that side of the ugly world for him.
so, you suppose the least you could do was teach him how to protect himself. in case you or satoru couldnβt.
βwell,β you sigh, defeatedly. thereβs a lopsided smile on your face, and you expectantly look to megumi. βhow was it, then?β
thereβs a boyish smile, a little shy, that appears on his face. βcool.β
βsee!β satoru grins, arms raising in victory. βhe loved it, and he should probably do it more often-β
βfine, fine.β
itβs always been pretty futile to argue with satoru. not only is he stubborn, but painstakingly arrogant. he tends to think his ideas are always the best, simply because theyβre made in his very head. and you canβt discredit them, because normally, theyβre alright. but it can be frustrating. heβs also really hard to deny.
itβs only natural to give in. just so you can avoid drawing it out.
βawesome! i think heβs ready for a special grade!β satoru claps his hands, and you deadpan, rolling your eyes.
βdonβt kill my kid.β you mutter, shaking your head as you turn, ignoring the way satoruβs smile settles into something a little more genuine. heartfelt, maybe.
truth be told, youβd trust satoru with everything and more. you worry and fret, but at the end of the day, heβll still be there. heβs been stuck to you like glue for years now, and it didnβt help that you practically live under the same roof. different rooms, but realistically having no actual space. itβs nice, and you really do hold him in your heart deeply. at an armβs length.
you end up being stuck with cooking dinner yet again β satoru winning because otherwise heβd βpoison the kidsβ (which, you think is stupid because he could easily just follow a recipe. also, heβs used that excuse before.) β and itβs like clockwork, a routine, when you find yourself sat across from him on the couch afterwards, tsumiki and megumi long gone in their respective rooms.
youβve found that gojo satoru acts a bit differently when itβs just the two of you. less irritable, and easier to talk to; youβve noticed this since you met him. his voice gets quieter, the blindfold comes off, his hair falls, and youβre presented with a more raw version. and maybe the kids get a different version too, but you find that hard to believe when megumiβs distaste is so palpably strong.
βmovie?β satoru asks, peeking at you through narrow eyes. his face is a little smushed by his palm as he leans against the armrest, and thereβs a lazy smile on his face. he looks kinda tired, weirdly enough. exhaustion is so foreign on his face that it looks almost fake. you wonder how much he slept last night, spotting hints of darkness beneath the pretty blue of his vision.
you think itβs strange that you donβt get sick of his presence, even after all this time. thatβs itβs forever missed more than loathed. youβre always in such close proximity, practically doing everything together, and yet you find that crave him every second heβs not beside you. pitifully, it might just be the attachment issues youβve subconsciously formed, and have unfortunately plagued satoru with. but that reason just seems a little too sad for you to fully admit. everything realistic is somehow bitter. you softly sigh, momentarily closing your eyes.
youβd love to stay, just to hear his idiotic rambles and comments. they always brought more substance than the film itself. and heβs been gone all day. you rub your forehead, feeling a small inkling of guilt.
βi have a mission later.β you reply, apologetically, and smile sincerely. βbut when i come back, yes.β
an active report coming from a town over β information on paper only describing the energy as βominous.β
βoh,β satoruβs eyes widen, and though youβre unable to read the exact emotion on his face, he seems a little alarmed. nearly wincing. heβs kinda upset that you didnβt tell him sooner, that being visibly clear β but then again, did you really have an obligation to? he didnβt really tell you whenever he had missions. but that was because heβd return in a few quick hours every time. satoru didnβt like being gone for too long either. he never dragged out his departures; he hated to leave you by yourself, even if the kids were with you. it feels a little cruel. you watch his eyes dart towards the windows, and he shifts, facing you. the movement is a little awkward, and he pauses before his speaks, hesitant with his words. βwant me to go with you? itβs kind of late.β
itβs sweet that he asks.
βsatoru,β you chuckle, tilting your head. βitβs a couple of second grades. iβll be fine.β
a little white lie, but you craved some action. satoru always got stuck with the interesting missions, and even then they posed no such threat to him. all of your assignments were simple, too easy to be considered enjoyable. if this was going to be the route you were taking in life, β exorcising curses β then you could at least make it somewhat fun.
satoru can tell somethingβs off. youβre too dismissive, and you wonβt look at him directly. but he feels as though itβs not his place to scold you, and he trusts you dearly, so he ignores his gut.
βalright.β he shrugs, his arms moving behind his head as they nonchalantly cross, contrasting the way he feels a little unusual. βcall me if you need anything.β
β’β’β’
december brings cold winter air, and you blow into your palms, attempting to warm the skin thatβs begun to grow a little numb.
more people should go on nightly walks, you think. maybe then itβd be more calming. every street youβve turned to is nearly empty, the only comfort being provided by dim overhead lights. but you suppose youβve gone through more fearsome events, so this shouldnβt really be that big of a deal.
itβs a little frustrating to be walking around so aimlessly. the report gave no specific location, just the brief mention of a couple of previous sightings. by now, theyβd more-than-likely dispersed to other areas.
youβre slightly tempted to call satoru for some help, as youβve never been the best at detecting curses at a long-range, but you refrain.
it was late, and you know heβd probably never let you live it down.
satoru would never say βnoβ to you. but there comes a price with that reliability and expectancy. small instances, like when you caught a cold, and had asked him to order for you at a coffee shop because your voice had been to sore to do so. he complied, but not without a relentless amount of teasing, even going to far as to lie to the barista, saying βsorry, sheβs just really shy.β he lived for your embarrassment, and it was generally harmless, so you couldn't reprimand him for it.
but sometimes every time, heβd have his own small apology. like how right after you had returned home, there was soup coincidentally ordered on your front porch.
satoru had walked inside without looking at you.
he can be tolerable. rarely.
you're nearly persuaded to go back home, midnight beginning to take a toll on your tired eyes. as far as you were aware, the curses hadn't caused harmful havoc. but it'd be pretty humiliating to head back without a small victory, and even then you'd probably stay up feeling guilty.
unintelligible whispers break you out of your thoughts, and you blink, eyes scanning the area.
goosebumps arise, and your head turns.
finally.
you nearly jump when you see it, though keep your composure, standing straighter.
itβs hardly detectable, as it stands. fairly large too. it might actually be a second grade.
you huff, brows furrowing as you inspect the curse. this was the cause of the βominousβ energy? you feel it, but itβs looks donβt work well with itβs written description. maybe youβd be heading home sooner than you expected.
your hand reaches behind you to grab your weapon, and you move forward, testing to see how fast itβs reflexes are.
it doesnβt move.
you pause, rolling your eyes briefly.
βat least put up a fight, dude.β you mumble, nearly sighing as it continues to plainly watch you. you walk a little closer, up until youβre only a few feet away, and hum. βyouβre not the brightestβ¦β
you insert your weapon back into itβs sheath, and stare. itβs been a while since youβve had the chance to see a curse so closely. theyβre all usually extremely reactive, not sparing you a second before attacking. violence is their prime instinct; the main thought in their heads.
when you reach your hand to poke it, and it still doesnβt budge, you know something is wrong.
oh.
your entire body stills, and youβre certain that you feel your stomach drop to the floor.
something felt familiar.
confirming your terrible suspicions, the curse disappears in front of your very eyes. not exorcised. youβre staring at the empty space that it once occupied, too bothered by the fact that your heartbeat has picked up ten times faster.
you almost reach for your phone, but stop, feeling as though it wouldn't be the wisest decision.
this suddenly all feels a little too calculated. you donβt even attempt to grab your weapon again.
shock numbs your bones. it bleeds through and renders you useless.
you hear your name before you see him, and you figure it feels the same as the nearly-fatal slash toji had given you almost a decade ago. so painful that it makes your heart stop. itβs spoken with such intimate fondness β too much for your poor heart to comprehend.
his ubiquity is so daunting that youβre sure all time ceases to exist.
you donβt want to turn around. you want to run, flee before you know itβs too late. before you hear him speak, and the world comes crashing down all over again. youβve tried so hard to piece it back together. every tiny detail - youβre not sure if youβd be able to start over. why now? when youβve finally been better. when you finally believed that normality was even possible to achieve.
but youβve always naturally given into him, and that habit stays strong even after all these years. you think he knows that too.
itβs with upmost hesitance that you turn around.
youβre not sure what to do.
heβs a sight for sore eyes. healing, beautifully transparent. a dear smile, inviting you closer. or more like a predator awaiting itβs prey. your body is giving you every negative cue, yet your legs stay in place, submissive to his presence thatβs been so horrendously missed.
he a little looks older. or maybe thatβs just the unfamiliar sight of all his hair down.
βhi.β
a part of you thinks that if you ignore him for long enough, he might disappear. leave you alone, as heβs chosen to do before. heβs lost the right to be welcomed.
fury is really the only emotion you could accurately pinpoint. you hate how soft he speaks. you hate it more than anything.
if you could stomach it, youβd ask him to close his eyes and turn the other direction. youβve always been weak when he looks at you so intently, as if studying you to the finest detail. but you refuse to be the one to look away first - you selfishly crave his attention more than you value your own self-respect.
and as suguru looks at you, he thinks youβve made it impossibly more difficult to do anything but beg for undeserving forgiveness. heβs staring at reflective streams, seeing as they slowly trail down your face. it must feel nice to be falling tears, symbolic of raindrops returning to the ocean. heβd like to sit in front of the ocean again. with you, being careless teenagers just for a little longer. but the ocean brings back bitter memories and the thoughts of a certain brunette child, so he refrains from thinking further.
ββ¦ donβt cry.β
itβs not a command of any sort, but instead a quiet plea. youβre too pretty for tears. too pretty for pain, too pretty for this unfair life heβs plagued you with.
he watches your eyes visibly widen, and your hand raises quickly, using your sleeve to wipe remnants of your intense emotions. it stains your skin a bit red from how roughly you move, lashes dismally coated with the aftermath.
βiβm notββ and you huff, your throat feeling tight. your head bows by instinct, and you shake it firmly. you press your palms to your eyes for a few seconds, pushing harshly, as if the pressure could ease some of the shock, or ground you in any way. βiβm not fucking crying.β
cautiously, suguru nods. heβll play into you, listen to everything you say even if itβs not entirely truthful. anything to make his appearance less daunting and harmful. he waits for you to speak, knowing the sound of his voice may not be as pleasant as he had hoped. heβs not sure what he was expecting.
battered already, in so much internal sorrow you might collapse, you breathe as deeply as you are able to. it shakes, and you opt to biting your lip instead.
harrowing disbelief is tainting your skin and bones, and it feels hopeless to even try understanding why heβs here. waltzing right back into your life, bewitchingly present. words linger, staying on the tip of your tongue as you internally battle yourself to release them. release you.
the air smells like rain. and you think β all this anger, it was once was love.
βi hate you.β
and thereβs a frown on your lips, trembling as you try to muster up all of the loathe, resentment, and frustration into those three words.
it fails. because the admission is not of truth β if anything, itβs guilt. for the sole reason that you know your feelings stand the exact opposite.
you hate suguru for leaving you. not him as a person; him as a thought. a thought that consistently runs rampant through your mind, adding fuel to a prevalent fire that refuses to be extinguished. and you imagine that he likes that he still has that effect on you, because the hauntingly serene smile he holds doesnβt even falter, not for a second.
youβre forced to stare at him with that expression, and it feels wickedly taunting. not as comforting as it had before.
βthatβs alright.β
itβs all he puts out into the air, and that gentle tone he holds kinda makes you want to hit him. heβs not like satoru β youβre sure heβd let you. but suguru can sense your agonizing heartbreak. heβd sense everything about you with his eyes closed. and he feels guilty for making you reopen old wounds, but heβs unaware that theyβve never been given a chance to properly heal.
geto suguru sees a little bit of you in everything lovely. the sun shining in the morning, the smiles on two pretty little girlβs faces, the moon casting a dim halo over the world at night.
youβve only become a greater treasure. one to be cherished, to be adored. heβs missed you in his sight more than anything. youβre still a angel on earth, incredulously beautiful. even with tears, even with that despaired look on your face. heβs fighting every urge in his body to not step closer and mend your broken self.
heβd like to run his fingers over your soul and pour his love into each crack he finds.
βgive me a few minutes. thatβs all i need.β
heβd prefer an eternity. but he thinks that heβs asked for something reasonable.
itβs expected when you scoff, glaring daggers with blurry vision. but it doesnβt make it any less painful.
suguru can take it. he deserves it.
βplease.β
the distaste on your face refuses to falter.
you crave to love without it having consequences.
since when had caring become so much of a burden? itβs evil, honestly. maybe stone-cold was the way to go. nanami might be on to something.
βstop this, suguru.β you whisper, hand sliding down your face in frustration as you let out a bitter sigh that lacks any amusement. βleave me alone.β
he savors the way his name sounds on your tongue, the drawn-our syllables holding the same familiar care of nearly a decade ago. it feels longer, too much time spent away from you. it lightens his aura, makes his senses heightened in almost a feral way. you speak of him like fate.
old habits refuse to die, and he stays where he is, the same face of persuasion used as he outwardly refuses your answer.
βkill me, then.β he shrugs, and he thinks he might actually die from the way your frown falters into shock once again. his smile twitches, nearly threatening to downcast.
it should be what you do.
suguru was a dead man. that fact hadnβt slipped your mind. you remember when satoru saw him, in the flesh, after the sentence. he couldnβt bring himself to kill him then, and you could briefly recall the look on his face when you softly told him you could eventually do it if he wasnβt able to. that solemn twinge, knowing something you wouldnβt admit out loud.
because satoru knew, better than anyone around, that if you went through with it, it would break you past the point of repair.
suguru, seemingly satisfied with your stillness, steps a bit closer.
it kinda feels like doom. you think the world may stop for a moment, and that all the bad things in life will come and finish you off. that death will take your hand, guiding you, kinder than anything thatβs ever really touched it. because what itβs held before has cursed it.
when his hands reach up, you expect a knife in the throat β any consequence for the stupidity of your compliance. but the blades are soft, and they raise to hold your face. gently, as if earning the trust of a stray kitten. because theyβre not blades, theyβre his hands. he feels you shaking against them. and itβs odd that all tranquility really needs is a certain sight; reassurance in the form of a graceful being who has been absent for too long. you donβt move. youβre unable to. instead, you stare, taking in a lost future. hair you used to brush yourself, eyes that would watch you with such visible adoration. they still do, and that realization alone has your head hurting.
you feel his thumb wipe below your eye, and it feels cold over your heated skin. suguru sighs, his eyebrows furrowing ever-so-slightly.
βyouβre very beautiful.β
itβs spoken almost hopelessly, as if the admission physically hurts for him to say. in a way, it does. heβs let go of one of the last devotions to you that heβs kept bottled inside of him, because he knows this might be the last time he sees you. he has to let everything go. you need to know what he thinks of you, how important you are. how heβs submitted his soul to the disaster of loving you since you were teenagers.
by the way his eyes narrow, and his pupils grow just a tiny bit bigger, your eyes widen, and youβre pushing him away instantly.
you know what comes next. youβre able to predict it before itβs able to horrifically conjure itself out loud.
βno, suguru.β
he follows after you, a firm yet gentle hold on your forearms stopping you from completely leaving. youβre already shaking your head, biting your lip as it threatens to quiver. heβs trapping you, and he knows heβs already won.
βlet me.β he coos, rubbing the skin of your trembling limbs. and you try to convince yourself that you shouldnβt sympathize, or fall for that sweet, missed voice of his. how heβs just a stranger you unfortunately know everything about. to ignore gentle aura youβve missed so much that you felt as though youβve never been able to get a grip on the pain in your chest. βlet me say it.β
youβre not built for this, not capable enough to take another harrowing blow.
βleave β fucking, leave.β you seethe, frantically attempting to pull your arms back, though his hold has gotten stronger, and the fight that you have left in you is quickly diminishing by the second. thereβs a moment β the tiniest sliver of time β where you stumble, and youβre being pushed closer to him before you can blink.
βyou donβt want me to.β suguru shakes his head, eyeing you carefully as you stop your movements. itβs declarative.
youβd like to slap him. knock some common sense into his head because, obviously. you never wanted him to. not when you were sixteen, not now, not ever.
itβs just defense. because you cruelly know that letting him in will just make everything worse. walls were needed for protection, even if the doors are halfway open.
his hands find themselves cradling your face once more, and heβs pulling you, a small gap being the only distance left between a terrible decision. youβre subconsciously following, body keen on obeying his every move. his gaze feels a little intrusive, looking so intently you have the urge to turn your head and close your eyes. your breath is shaky, and you feel a little light-headed.
you wonder if anyone else in the world has ever loved someone this terribly.
hastily, your hands place themselves on his chest with an attempt to push him away, but they stay pliant. you look at him, incredulously.
βwhat is wrong with you?β
itβs clear when his expression darkens a little, and he dejectedly looks to the side. you catch his eyes widening a bit, the harshness of your tone foreign, because youβve only ever spoken to him with such tender care. youβre spewing out words with cracks in your voice, nearly whispering because youβre afraid that if you speak any louder, itβll truly start a storm.
βyouβ¦ you kill people, leave me β leave everyone β and thenβ¦β your eyes close, and you feel the liquid trailing down your cheeks again before youβre able to stop it. you canβt finish your sentence, too busy holding your breath to calm a threatening sob.
it feels like youβre sixteen again, and everything is crumbling.
his arms move slowly as they wrap themselves around you, and you feel even more inclined to cry when he presses your head against his chest. like heβs done dozens of times before. he sucks, the world sucks. this comfort is long overdue, and you still canβt find it in yourself to complain, simply succumbing to the pressure of his presence. youβd like to hug your younger self. because she needed this, even if it canβt really count as closure. even if you currently felt your knees buckling from beneath you.
βi wish i could take away the pain, pretty girl.β
suguru wonβt give you false apologies. he only feels guilt for causing you harm. he dislikes how pain looks on your face, and he wants to tell you that heβs unable to sleep at night without you, that every day is a challenge. that truthfully, the ache is mutual. but he has something to accomplish, and you stand on opposing sides.
the two of you are stubborn people.
βtake it,β you tremble, and your arms are already around him, despite the screams in your mind. he feels safe. he feels like everything and more. βplease, please, take it.β
the pleading in your voice makes suguru feel horribly ill, and he tightens his grip on you, not really knowing what else to do.
itβs worse when youβre the perpetrator. the criminal, the evil. he wonders what your life might have looked like without him in it β how happy you could have been. shouldβve been.
but thereβs been bad things β events that heβs sure might had ended horrifically differently without his existence.
he wonders how your scar looks, now.
suguruβs fingers are firm as they reach below your chin, and he forces your eyes to meet once more. theyβre red and glossy, but still undeniably captivating. heβd like to look at them forever.
βi would, if it were that easy. i promise you.β
you believe him. it could be from the genuine strain in his voice, or your muddled brain thatβs clawing to escape your own head. what good is a healthy mind?
heβs saying your name again, and itβs quieter this time. more intimate. you donβt cower, you stay, even huddling the tiniest bit closer. youβve given up on composure, youβll let him selfishly have you. besides, it feels nice when heβs treating you so delicately. hands ghosting over your cheeks, eyes that admire your desperate, sad ones. you donβt stop him this time, numbly prepared for the aftermath.
he pauses, trailing his thumb over your jaw, and swallowing thickly. heβs never quite looked normal. always too perfect in comparison to everything else. he smiles, and you see a hint of something that you canβt really classify as full joy.
βi love you.β
the world doesnβt end.
youβre still looking at him, thinking that it will for a moment. instead, you see bashful pink.
βi love youβ is such a tricky sentence. itβs powerful, meaningful, and could also be a lie. the power of speech is that there really are no limits, and you suppose thatβs what makes bad people. sometimes.
he toys with the collar of your shirt, briefly, and lets out a breath of amusement through his nose. suguru feels lighter. and simultaneously horrible. he tilts his head, barely, his voice quiet.
βwill you let me kiss you? even if you hate me?β
thereβs a little teasing in that sentence, and he nudges his nose across the side of your face affectionately. youβre unaware of how hard his heart beats against his chest as soon as he asks.
youβre sixteen once more, and youβre silently nodding before youβre able to think further.
youβre imagining fairytales you canβt believe in.
itβs hard to determine how long youβve thought about it. his lips on yours. your hands are in his hair and on his face nearly immediately. youβd trade a lot of things to be this close for longer β you wish to be combined. and heβs soft. heβs so soft you dread taking your hands off of him. if heaven was a place on earth, itβd be this.
pitiful.
he tastes sweet, like a forgotten dream. butterflies suffocate your insides as you stand, and your knees feel a little weaker. suguru is a bit impatient with his movements, hands trailing down your sides to squeeze and caress. his touch feels hot and is hastily done, but gentle nonetheless. you feel his lips curl up against yours, and your stomach flips.
you rather not pull away. pulling away brings back reality, and fantasy is really all you want. if you kiss him a bit harder, and close your eyes a little longer, youβre able to stay.
he pulls back first.
youβre breathing heavy, eyes wide as they bore into his. he might be the most precious thing in your life, and youβre not sure if youβre able to let him go. youβre afraid that youβll love him forever, and that youβll never be in the same place again. this feels cruelly temporary, and you know it is. by the way his expression settles, and the way he repeats those three words so quietly, itβs meant for only you to hear. a fact.
βi love you.β
you swallow thickly, in a haze thatβs caused just by his very being. a drug-like addiction, and you feel so content itβs like youβre home.
suguru knows you wonβt say it back. and in all honesty, he prefers it that way. itβs whatβs best. what matters most is that he knows you mean to. heβs able to read that lovestruck wonder on your face so easily it makes him warm. it was both a relief and horror to be known so perfectly. you, who still wears your heart on your sleeve. heβs forever grateful that youβve always been so giving, so selfless when it comes to him. he feels as though he abuses your sweet compassion.
you tug on his sleeve.
βwe can work something out.β you whisper against him, and suguru knows heβs gone too far. heβs tensing, and his eyes are anxious, a small shake of his head contrasting your nods. βiβm yours. iβm yours before anything else.β
heart, mind, body, soul. youβre bonded for life, and youβve known that since you were young.
βoh, no, baby.β suguru hurriedly answers, and the desperation in your voice, the way you clutch on to him a little tighter, has his head reeling. heβs panicking. βyouβre better where you are, sweet girl.β
you know his mind is made up, that itβs fruitless to try, but youβre so blinded by desires that you donβt even care that youβre begging him. heβs mean, doing this to you. there is no ultimatum or other decision - this is it. youβre just destined to be separate, and that hurts to realize, so youβre glad heβs cushioning the blow. just enough for you to keep standing.
suguru is complicated. he hates that he is, he hates what his life has brought him (the only exception being the beauty of the people in his past; you included), but heβs certain that youβre safer as it is. golden and pure. with satoru, with shoko. and youβre strong. youβre so strong he canβt put it into words.
maybe he had some reasonable motives β rikoβs death, yours and satoruβs near deaths, haibaraβs death β but theyβve shaped him. shaped you, more, as it seems. you continue your life, even after itβs been tainted red, and blackened with misery. satoru, the same. you can take a bit more. youβve gone through the worst of it. at least β itβs what he selfishly tells himself.
it was stupid to come see you. kiss you, at that. but he canβt bring himself to regret even slightly. if heβs considered evil, barbaric, heβll gladly take the titles if it meant spending more moments with you. itβs cruel, not malicious.
youβre still his person. but he canβt have you fully β at least, not in this lifetime.
suguru isnβt really sure he could pass on the torch so easily. to give you up completely β the most ultimate sacrifice. where there would be a possibility of his replacement, and the loss of his heart. he canβt trust anyone with loving you; no one can really love you like he does. heβll take pride in that.
βyouβre going to live a long, happy life.β suguru quietly assures, nudging his nose against yours. your eyes are tightly shut, overall avoidant. this might be a nightmare, if you believe hard enough. βfind someone who loves you, and you easily will, do everything-β
βi donβt want anyone else.β you interrupt, eyes narrowing as they open, like the idea is something of the unthinkable. βyouβd be stupid to think i do.β
this might be worse than unrequited love, you think. every feeling is mutual, besides the belief that you should be together. heβs the bane of your existence. and that kills.
suguru is reasonable. you understand his refusals, why the two of you canβt be β how immaturely youβre thinking about this. you canβt leave your life behind for him, itβd be asking for your own death sentence and the loss of everything left thatβs good in your life.
you canβt create a cycle, as much as it pains for you to come to terms with.
βi canβt have you, pretty girl.β suguru sighs, trying to ignore the way his voice wavers the tiniest bit. heβs growing desperate in persuasion, but even he falls flat against the situation. βi want to, so bad, but itβs not right. weβre not right.β
your chest feels tight as you stare up at him.
you wonder, truly, if heβs aware of all the turmoil heβs caused; that heβs let happen, because he never even came back to offer a mere shoulder for support. he simply left you in the dust.
it hurts to hear, especially coming from lips that had been pressed so wonderfully against yours. you still canβt bring yourself to hate him.
you used to fear irrational ideas. that if you let someone in, take care of you, you wouldnβt really be yourself anymore. independency never worked well, and youβve strung on a bit too hard to a knight in shining armour. a being like icarus, whoβs flown too close to the sun. you were right, it seems.
youβve lost, and it kills to realize.
bitterly, you remember hearing some time ago that βit gets easier.β or better. itβs been repeated to you, multiple times. the reality is, youβre not too sure. what gets easier is maybe the coping. but even that is still evil and painful.
hopeless, you stand, and your voice feels hoarse.
ββ¦ suguru?β
how can you hate something so natural? when it feels as though those syllables are meant to be spoken in repetition. his name means excellence; to surpass all.
suguru looks at you, eyes previously occupied with gazing upwards to avoid an act of human emotion. they mirror yours, glossy and faintly red. no visible tears. he has the self-control you lack.
but you can be a little selfish.
βcan youβ¦β you take a deep breath, and lean a little forward, resting your head in the crook of his neck to escape a reaction. if he feels the liquid of your tears, he doesnβt comment on them. heβs awfully warm. youβd like to lay in bed with him under a summer sun again. youβre trying to force every part of him into your memory while heβs pressed to closely against you. how his hair tickles your neck, the security of his loving arms keeping you from physical harm, how pretty he looks up close.
itβs not greedy to ask for a final request, you think.
βcan you stay with me, then? for a few more minutes?β
an innocent question, while heβs been nothing but cruel. despite everything, youβre still you.
it reminds him of his youth. when you and satoru would get into playful arguments, gaining a few steps on him, only for you to turn back and check that he was still there. or when you would return from missions, him being the first person you looked for every time, just to let him know you came back safely.
sometimes, youβd come back a bit battered up, and instead of confiding in shoko for help like any other person would, you trusted him with treating the wounds. all natural, because that meant you got to spend more time together. human bodies are fragile things. he realized the true extent of that after toji. you really canβt take anything for granted.
so itβs really no wonder why he fell in love with you. why he came to fully accept it. and his belief stands strong β anyone would. angels are irresistible, he finds. he would sometimes see wings.
suguruβs glad you canβt see his face. because maybe then, youβd catch the sight of a reflective shimmer trailing down his cheek.
the embodiment of your dreams, hopes, and desires holds you so gently, a little tighter now. he nods against you, but it feels disconnected, because heβs faded into darkness that has already consumed him. too far gone.
time is nothing for now.
and you wonder if it actually does get better, or if everyone is just lying to you.
β’β’β’
september, 2018.
βsensei?β
blinking slowly, you immediately straighten at the sight of three towering figures above your relaxed position.
thereβs a panic that sets in at the recognition of how watery your eyes feel, and your head turns in an instant to cough awkwardly, avoiding their stares.
itβs around noon, judging by how pleasantly the sun shines through the window, and how awake your students look. yuji liked to sleep in sometimes.
βdid i zone out for a bit?β you mindlessly chuckle, the words feeling a little strange on your tongue. you might have a migraine from how much your head is hurting. βi didnβt get too much sleep last night, sorry guys.β
your smile radiates a reassuring warmth, and the concern on their faces leaves by the time you look back at them. if jujustu didnβt work, maybe you could take up acting.
βwe finished the warmups you instructed!β nobara beams, short hair flowing after her as she proudly stands. she glances at yuji, her eyes narrowing. βwell, me and fushiguro did.β
yuji shoves her.
nobara has always reminded you of rough recovery rooms and gentle curing hands. it makes you a bit nauseous, the nostalgia of it all.
the sight of the whole trio sometimes felt like daggers digging into your heart, stabbing greedy wounds into open gashes before they have a chance to heal.
brighter days for them, a dull ache for you.
βyou werenβt awake yet-β
βi told you to wake me up!β
βyou did not!β
yuji and nobara bicker for a second, and you feel a little overwhelmed.
because since these two have set foot on campus, they had seemed oddly familiar. unbeknownst to them, but relentlessly distressing for you. youβre silent as you observe, the uncomfortable pit in your stomach staying clear as day. stubborn, because thatβs only natural for you.
more than a decade has passed β nearly three years since your last encounter, almost a year after his death, and yet here you are. the hurt just as strong, because youβve realized that the pain will never fully go away, and you suppose youβll have to adapt to living with it forever.
but youβre grateful. though you couldnβt go back to the way things were, you have a chance at stopping the cycle. after all, you know little about what the future has in store for them.
you hope itβs kind. you want those grins to stay permanently, for their youth and innocence to linger for as long as possible. because you never had that luxury. the end of your purity was far too quick, adult emotions flooding your senses. youβd do anything to keep them from feeling like you.
plus, youβre allowed to grieve over the child you couldβve been.
βalright, alright,β you blink, interrupting them before their voices can get any louder. they immediately quiet down, turning to you expectantly. it freaks you out a little.
you were still relatively new to whole teaching thing, not used to being followed so attentively. it felt weird to give orders β to have them be listened to, really. satoru was more of a natural, his cheekiness benefitting him perfectly. even if the students found him undeniably strange.
βgive me ten minutes and iβll meet you outside.β you wave a hand, pointing to yuji. βand sorry kiddo, youβre doing some laps for getting up late.β
you fight a smile as you witness a pout form on his lips, nobaraβs laugh drowning out his whining. youβd probably only make him run one, but it was always amusing to lie to his face. you adored yuji β he was a bundle of joy graciously given to the universe. itβs pure luck that he ended up with you.
you watch as nobara drags him out, your head resting on your palm, softly chuckling. they complimented each other well. like siblings, you think.
your head turns, finally facing eyes that hadnβt strayed away from you since you woke up from your daydream. it's like a sixth sense now. you know when he's looking at you, when he seems genuinely bothered. it took time to know him. heβs a hard shell to crack.
βyou donβt get special privileges, megs.β you snort, motioning your head towards the door. βgo join them, i just need some time to wake up.β
megumi looks unimpressed (and honestly, when does he not?), sighing softly before coming closer. the cushion beside you sinks as he sits, and you raise a brow questionably. his voice is blunt, quiet as it fills the room.
βyou think too much.β
it surprises you a little, but youβve come to learn that megumi is rarely predictable, and to always expect the unexpected.
βdo i?β you muse, your smile visibly weakening as you softly laugh.
he was too aware of everything, perception like no other. he reminded of you of suguru sometimes, behavior so nonchalant in comparison to the rest of the world. they were both silent observers.
megumi nods, and you realize heβs rather close, only a few inches away from grazing your skin. touch was something megumi struggled with growing up, so you never pushed it on him; you hated making him uncomfortable, while satoru could care less. the giant didnβt understand boundaries. but sometimes, movie nights in his adolescence led to him latching on to you in his sleep. he had his moments.
it makes the action of his hand raising, pressing your head into his shoulder, much more meaningful.
βdonβt think.β
megumiβs never been one for melodramatic situations. growing up, heβd used to complain when tsumiki would force him to watch disney movies with her, getting visibly annoyed when heβd spot her tears during more heartfelt scenes. you never brought up the fact that heβd let her rest her head on his shoulder (you secretly wonder if thatβs why heβs doing that now), or would rub her back. megumiβs not kind, per say, but he knows how to secretly love (in his own, strange way. similar to satoru), and you think thatβs more important than anything.
βthatβd be cool.β you sigh, closing your eyes. your eyelids feel heavy on your face, and you try not to get too comfortable, remembering that youβd have to get up in a few minutes. βwish it were that simple.β
megumi hums, staring straight ahead.
your past is a secret to him, tightly kept in the confinements of your heart. and that's really the only hint he's ever needed to know that it still affects you. satoru, the same. he knew little about your lives before he came into the picture, only hearing bits and pieces when you and satoru would get a bit sleep-drunk and giggle about old memories. he's always tried his best to listen, soaking in any details he can. people are generally more honest and open when physically tired. it's why they confess things during late night conversations, and why the flow of words comes out more natural.
you were different from the idiot that had originally taken him in. megumi can scream from every rooftop that he hated gojo satoru (despite it being secretly untrue), but you? the mediator, who he looked up to more than anything? impossible, itβd be criminal.
maybe you disliked seeming hopeless in front of him, but he didn't mind that vulnerability. he wished you'd trust him with it more β that you knew he would never dream of judging you. he's not too well with words, or communicating, really, so he's also not too sure how to tell you. a double-edged sword.
"you're okay, though β right?"
his eyes glance downwards towards you, dark blue highlighting the inklings of concern. it's not awkward when he asks.
he has a heart, despite satoru's beliefs.
heart warmed, you grin, raising your head to look at him with crinkled narrowed eyes.
you find it funny how the world works. going in some strange, bittersweet chain of events because here you were, caring for the life of a dead manβs son while he had permanently tainted yours. and you're happy. not completely, but sun shines through. the blinds are halfway open.
something that had once seemed so dark has been becoming technicolor.
"yeah." you nod, sincerely, and pat his cheek gently, stifling a laugh when his face scrunches in silent disapproval. "thank you for asking. really."
his face gently pulls away from your touch, and you can tell he's slightly flustered, just a tad embarrassed at your small affection. you're grateful for him, unbelievably thankful for the bits of effort he's always put into caring about you (and tsumiki. and maybe the tiniest bit for satoru. tiny.). a true blessing.
gingerly, he stands up, hands in his pockets as he glances at you again, double-checking. you smile.
he only continues to walk towards the door when you give him a nod in reassurance.
you're left staring at your hands when he leaves, a soft sigh escaping your lips. some days are harder than others. it's the toss of a coin, no chances pre-determined. you simply wake up to the surprise every time.
admittedly, you miss the version of you that doesnβt really exist anymore. naive, but more open. fearless and valiant, only ever seeking improvement. you feel bitter that you took that time of your life for granted.
youβve found that everythingβs felt easier, though. something in the air is different.
βhey, did you leave the kids outside? it's hot out there and they're complaining like crazy-β
you hear footsteps come to a halt, and your head tilts up, finding satoru in it's vision. he stands in place by the door, eyes wide as he stares.
"hey," you nonchalantly wave, stretching to alleviate the soreness in your muscles. "i'll be out in a second."
you attempt to get up from your seat, but satoru ushers towards you, stopping you from successfully moving.
"woah, woah, woah β whatβs got you so blue?β he asks, scanning over you briefly. there's a light-hearted smile on his face, and if you didn't know him well enough, you might have mistaken it for amusement. but it's down-casted slightly, and he's looking at you a little too intently.
you snort, rolling your eyes playfully, βiβm not blue.β
satoru blinks, unappreciative of the response that he can only justify was from being around him too often.
βfine β whatβs wrong with you?β he corrects himself bluntly, crossing his arms. your eyes follow him as he takes a seat beside you, and you internally sigh, thinking about how youβve left your three students to perish under the sun.
you wave a hand dismissively, "nothing.β
βaw, cβmon,β satoru drawls, and you have half a mind to complain when he sprawls himself over your lap, his eyewear pushed upwards and off his face as he looks up at you. the blue twinkles, even under the fluorescent lighting. βyouβve never been a good liar.β
βokay, now thatβs a lie. a bad one.β you scoff, poking his nose. βiβm a talented actress. oscar worthy.β
he playfully winces, narrowing his eyes at you. βno oneβs ever been honest with you before, huh?β
βwho needs opinions?β you roll your eyes, nudging his head softly. βitβs all about self-love now.β
βyeah, yeah,β satoru whistles, peering up from one eye, the other closed as he visibly relaxes against you. βsee how far that takes you.β
you gasp dramatically, βmean.β
the corner of his lips quirks up, and his familiar smirk returns.
banter was natural with satoru. it was hard to take anything seriously with him around.
he brings joy in mundaneness.
βyou shouldnβt trust megumi, yβknow.β
confused, you pause, looking at him questionably.
βwhy?β you ask, and youβre internally conflicted as you attempt to recall every recent memory in your head thatβs a classified secret. or, something youβve generally told megumi as of late. nothing comes to mind.
βdunno. he told me something was wrong with you when i walked past him right now.β
your eyes widen, and you groan, head falling back against the couchβs soft exterior.
traitor.
βso,β satoru continues, and his voice is softer, a little more serious. βreally β whatβs wrong?β
itβs always been pointless to beat around the bush with satoru. heβs impatient, immature, and wonderful. a bad mix that makes you wonder how itβs even possible that heβs generally likable.
βnothing.β you emphasize, rubbing your head in slight annoyance. βheβs making it up.β
you rather not have this conversation. not while the air is half-hearted, and everything has been steady. but heβs right there. and it might not hurt as much as you think it will.
satoru gawks, mouth open, before poking you harshly. βnow youβre calling our son a liar? low blow.β
you huff, βhe went lower by betraying me.β
a beat of silence.
βso he was right?β satoru blinks, and heβs sitting up hesitantly, awaiting your voice, or a movement. anything to confirm.
βwill you leave me alone if i say no?β
βno? you just admitted he wasnβt lying.β
βoh. yeah.β
youβre smiling lightly, faintly awful because youβre not too sure how wise youβre being. maybe this was only the mature option.
βumβ¦ i was just thinking. about him.β
you hadnβt really spoken much about last december. there was no tension or anything β it was just a touchy subject for the both of you.
satoru had more right to be bothered.
you expect his expression to drop β for it to grow uncomfortably quiet, leaving you to voice a regretful apology. youβve rarely seen satoru break. his joyous front is him in natural form. sorrow doesnβt look right on his face.
heβs only been at his worse around you. and thatβs a fact that binds you for life, as dismissive as you two seem to act about it.
angels carry weights off your shoulders, and satoru smiles a little. albeit, visibly bittersweet, but a smile.
βwe do that a lot, donβt we?β
heβs stupid, annoying, and infuriating when he looks at you like that. as if you two are similar, and he knows how to ice the bruises on your back.
(he does.)
geto suguru is an enigma. is, because even in death, heβs found a way to stay alive. he lives in memories; in thoughts that keep both of you awake at night.
βi guess i just β¦β you trail off, staring at the floor. youβd be okay with living the rest of your life by satoruβs side. heβs peace, and he knows you tenderly.
you exhale, a small bitter chuckle leaving your lips.
βi donβt know what to do with all the love i have for him.β you admit, arms laying flat as you shrug with a despaired smile that makes satoru feel a little hollow. your hands flow freely, motioning for a few moments before resting back in your lap. βi donβt know where to put it.β
you havenβt known in years. itβs bundled up, suffocating your insides and exhausting your soul. heβs too well tangled with it.
a lot was left unsaid.
answers you crave, questions that will forever follow.
βiβll take it.β
satoru grins, and you have to bite back a smile from how infectious his expression is. it radiates sunshine.
you feel his warm hands cup over yours, and he gently rubs across your knuckles with his thumbs, soothing that isolating cold. βyou can give it to all of us, actually. but more for me.β
heβs silly, and heβs everything and more.
you wonder if you wouldβve made it through without him. heβs impacted your life so heavily, you canβt imagine a world void of his presence.
βyouβd like that, wouldnβt you?β you mumble, smile ever-so-visible as you playfully nudge him. satoru nods feverishly.
βiβd adore it.β heβs beaming like the cheshire cat, and your expression falls flat as you await whatever idiotic words would flow out of his mouth next. he brings a finger to his chin and hums.
βyou know what, though? maybe give some extra to megumi. but iβm not really sure any love could save that kid. not even a motherβs. he's creepy, i'm telling you-β
βsatoru.β
he innocently smiles, eyes closed. βjust a suggestion.β
you playfully roll your eyes.
itβs all romanticism until it truly hurts. love seems so small, so trivial, when youβre not being affected.
satoru hides his grief better than you ever could. he copes uniquely, and you suppose his way may even help you a little.
they should invent a healing that is linear, you think. so you canβt fall behind, and you can be all-smiles too.
α° pairing. college au - soccer player! gojo x film major! reader (f)
α° summary. gojo satoru is the most popular guy on your college campus. he's tall, funny, hot, not to mention he's the most talented soccer forward the school has seen in years. but he's also a frat dude, which puts him in a world very different from your own, as he spends most of his nights partying & drinking while you spend most of yours working on your annoying film major assignments. but when he reaches out to you for a favor, you realize that helping him out might have something in it for you too.
α° warnings/tags. 18+, fluff, angst, smut, college au, fraternities, sororities, partying, drinking/alcohol, romance, jealousy, pining, slow burn, opposites to lovers, friends to lovers, she falls first he falls harder, gojo being an idiot, marijuana use, sexism, sexual harassment (verbal only)
α° chapter. 9/x (probably 12)
α° words. 15.6k (WHY DO THEY KEEP GETTING LONGER)
a/n. HELLO MY DEAR KICKOFF READERS IVE MISSED YOU ALL SO MUCH i am soooo sorry for the wait on this one. this chapter felt very vulnerable to write for some reason lmfao, but i really hope it was worth the wait :''') see you at the bottom!! if there are typos or some things don't make sense i'm so sorry i literally gave up on proofreading this i just ended up raw-doggin it and then posting it
an additional author's note. hellooo ellie here. there are some additional warnings/tags for this chapter, i added them to the tags above, so if you know you have any sort of triggers, please refer to them before reading! but if you don't have any and don't want to be spoiled ab anything then you can keep reading lol. thank youu <33
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The restaurant address that Kai sent you was just a ten minute taxi ride away, save for the five minutes you spent trying to evasively maneuver through the hotel lobby in order to avoid running into people youβre not too keen on seeing right now, a list that stacks up to just one person at this moment.
Itβs a Korean barbecue place, itβs been ages since youβve been to one, probably since theyβre way too expensive for any sort of outing you could afford these days, but the crisp sizzling sounds of the grills and the savory air has your mouth watering in a way that makes you indifferent to the cost. Anything to get this churning feeling out of your stomach.Β
Itβs instantly brought to your attention that Hanaβs tipsy off of Soju because sheβs slid out of the booth the second you emerge to the tablestide, and sheβs onto her feet to pull you into a hug. You hug her back.
βIβm ssssoooooooo glad youβreβhicβhere,β she says, voice sounding loud near your ear, but her embrace is surprisingly calming to you.
Her face appears flushed when you pull away, and you give her a smile and a kind hold of her elbow. βIβm happy to be here, sorry for coming late, I just decided I wanted to have dinner with you all.β
Minato is pulling on Hanaβs arm to get her to sit down, which she finally agrees to, and you glance to the left side of the table where Kai sat, meticulously turning over pieces of meat on the grill. His eyes are on you, and the seat next to him is empty.
βYou look nice,β he says, eyes falling to your lap under the table once youβve taken a seat next to him.
Your eyes fall to your lap as well. βOh. Thanks. I wasnβt really trying to look any sort of way, though.β Just faded jeans with a few rips & holes you made yourself, way back in high school when that sort of thing was trendy.
βI know,β he says, smirk heard perfectly through his words, βI like that.β
You ignore him, a fleeting thought passing through your head of how annoyingly forward men are to women theyβve met within a day, just something youβve noticed recently, and then youβre accepting the glass of Soju that Minatoβs poured for you. Quick to tip it back, you feel a burn on your tongue thatβs just enough to distract.
βTodayβs game was pretty interesting,β Minato speaks up, picking up a few pieces off the grill with his chop sticks and placing them on Hanaβs plate first before taking some for himself. You find the gesture sweet. βThe first half was intense.β
Hana nods enthusiastically, elbows rested on the tabletop as she waves her hands around in the air. βUh huh, uh huh, the boys kicked the ball like whoosh. Goes all over the place! Canβt get aβhicβcanβt get a single shot. No, I mean me, I canβt get a camera shot. Not them, they can get the shots of goals. The goals of shots? Huh.β
βAlright, youβve had enough,β Minato grumbles as he drags the glass of Soju that she was nursing away from her.Β
Kai lets out a laugh beside you, his knee bumping against yours under the table. βIβve watched so many of these soccer games for this job, and Iβve still got no damn clue what the rules are.β
You blink down at your empty plate for a second before grabbing the silver chopsticks laid neatly on your napkin, and taking some food from the center of the table. βReally? Iβve only been to a couple, and I feel like I get the gist of it.β Maybe itβs because you had a personal interest, though.
Kai lets out a low whistle next to you. βOkay, youβre a smartass then.β
You give him a sidewards glance. βMaybe youβre just dumb?βΒ
Your own words startle you a bit. Minato lets a laugh out, but under his breath, while Hana does absolutely nothing to conceal hers. Kaiβs eyes just widen. You bite down on a carrot stick.
βHey, hey, hey, y/n,β Hana chirps, tapping at your wrist, βdo you know any of the soccer players? Utahime said you doooo.β
You swallow slowly to buy yourself time, but give a preliminary shake of your head before answering, βno, not really.β You catch a whiff of the cologne on your wrist when you lift your glass to your lips.
βOh,β she sulks her shoulders and then sinks down into the booth again, her head falling onto Minatoβs shoulder. The man stiffens a bit and then thereβs a content smile playing at his lips. A hint of a smile develops on your face too at the sight when you put two and two together. What an adorable little crush. It makes you feel sick.
Kai pours you some more Soju the second you drink down the last of it in your glass, and you nod to him as a thanks. βPretty sure most of my photos from the first half are fucked,β he says, dragging the opening of the bottle against the rim of your glass before pulling it away, βdidnβt realize until way later that my aperture was way off.β
You bring the glass to your lips, inhaling before taking a sip. Youβre about to speak up about that when Minato beats you to it.
βAre you serious?β he asks, disappointed, like theyβre suddenly talking business now. βI better see some good shots. Your side was where most of the action took place. Like that through-pass, tight behind the defensive line, from Nanami Kento to Gojo Satoru before he sunk it a couple mins before the half ended.β
You choke a little on your Soju at the mention of Gojoβs name, and then all three of them are looking at you. You wave a hand in front of your face. βSorry.βΒ
Kai grumbles something under his breath and then stuffs a piece of pork belly into his mouth. βYeah, whatever, man. Iβm pretty sure I got some good ones. Donβt worry.β
Dinner goes on like that, where you count the number of times Kai thinks that someone saying something funny across the table is an excuse to press his thigh against yours, but at least the cute way that Hana and Minato seem to inch closer to one another all night is enough to put you at some sort of bitter ease. But that unsettling feeling in your stomach from a couple of hours ago still lingers.
The four of you stand outside the restaurant, heels rocking back and forth in the cold as you all take up the last chance to debrief the day, and then Minatoβs glancing at his watch.
βAlright, itβs probably time to head back. We can all share a ride to the hotel, itβs cheaper that way,β Minato says. Hanaβs clinging to his sleeve.
βOh, uh, I was going to stay here. Thereβs a cool camera shop around the corner. I was gonna check it out,β Kai says, pointing over his shoulder before glancing at you. βWanna come? I saw theyβve got used film cameras.β
You twiddle with the hotel key card in your pocket. Itβs cheap plastic, could break easily with just the right amount of pressure. Like your resolve right now. βSure.β
He smiles at you.
βAlright, well I need to get this one back to her room,β Minato says with a sigh, pointing to Hana, βso Iβll see you all at the next game?β
You and Kai nod at him and then watch as he walks away with Hana on his arm towards the curb, pulling his phone out to call for a ride.
βWhereβs this camera shop at?β you ask Kai once the silence between the two of you stretches out a little too long.Β
βIt really is just around the corner,β he says, shoving his hands in the pockets of his jacket. He starts walking down the row of miscellaneous shops and establishments under dim street lighting, and you follow after him before the two of you circle to the adjacent end. A tiny shop in the distance catches your eye. The LED sign above the storefront was blinking sporadically, and read 17th St Camera & Rentals, except half the letters were extinct of any light. Next to it was a 24/7 liquor store.
Itβs only when you walk right up to it that you realize the sign dangling behind the glass door that says closed.
βOh. Bummer,β Kai comments in a flat tone. βI swear it was open before I got to the restaurant.β
You sigh, pulling your phone out to glance at the time. βYeah, at 8pm? Itβs past 10 now.β
He looks at you and taps the camera case still hung at his neck. βThatβs fine. Iβve still got a camera to show you, anyways.β
You blink your eyes at him, suddenly feeling a bit exhausted and then glance over your shoulder at the curb of the street to see if Minato & Hana were still there waiting for a ride. You donβt see them anymore.Β
A distraction. Wasnβt that what you wanted?
βYeah, show me.β
Kai seems to know the area better than you, since he walks down the haphazardly lain sheets of concrete across the ground with more confidence than a tourist would. The thought occurs to you that maybe the newsletter photographers have eaten here before during their time in Kyoto.
βWhat made you start working with the newsletter?β you ask, glancing at him as the two of you walk down further, into what seems like a neighborhood.
He shrugs. βFirst job I could find out of college. I had a lot of freelance experience, so Iβm assuming thatβs why they hired me.β He nudges your arm with his elbow. βWhat about you?β
βIβve known Utahime for a while. She was impressed with my work.β
βAhh, connections,β he muses, βsmart. Thatβll get you far as an artist.β
He suddenly stops walking and peers off to the right, into a darkness that you canβt really make anything out of until youβve spent a few seconds staring too. He walks in that direction, the loud echoing stomps of his boots on concrete no longer audible once he crosses the threshold onto grass, and you follow behind to what seems like a deserted childrenβs park. You wish there were more trees in the city. There are a lot here in the countryside, and it makes you homesick for something youβre not even sure of.
A gust of wind brushes through, rattling the set of swings hung on rusty chains. The wood chips underneath your feet feel stale, with no snap to them at all as you follow Kai through the playhouses set up in connected fashion. There are two picnic benches, one looks like itβs been freshly painted with faux effort to improve its image in the line of sight of the street, while the other has red paint peeled back to reveal bronze underneath the moonlight, neglected and tucked behind a few trees. The latter is what he chooses.
He slides into the bench, and he shakes his head when he sees you try to take a seat on the other side before patting at the seat beside him. βItβd be easier for you to take a look at my side.β
He has a point, so you sit next to him instead. Although at this point in the night, you were feigning interest. He zips his camera bag open and you take a better look at the lens. Thereβs no way it was as cheap as he told you it was.
βThereβs no way this was as cheap as you told me it was,β you say.
He laughs, pulling the camera out and handing it to you. βYeah, maybe the guy cut me a deal since Iβve bought from him before.β
Youβre smart enough to put the strap around your neck, even though youβre only holding it a few inches above the table, because a camera like this deserves the care and respect. The material is minimalist and sleek, and itβs heavy in your hands. You click the shutter button, screen coming to life with a few mechanic chirps. βWoah. Is it LCD or OLED?β
βLCD.β
βThatβs nice,β you say, βpaying for the OLED just seems silly to me.β
βI concur, Canon. Color accuracy is king.β
He shuffles to pull something out of his pocket while you continue to inspect the camera in your hands, and you see him fidget with said thing over the table in the corner of your eye. The flick of something and the light of something makes you turn your head to face him, and heβs pinching the end of a joint to his mouth, lighting the other end.
He gives you a glance when you stare for too long, inhaling from it before pulling it from his mouth. βWhat?β You can see the smoke leave his mouth in the chill of the air.
βIs that why you chose the secluded bench?β
βI did? Didnβt even notice.β
You blink at him, and he places his elbow on the table to lean closer to you.Β
βDo you mind it?β he asks.
βNo, not really.β
βWanna smoke with me?β Two fingers pinching the origin of smoke tilt towards you. βThis is my good weed, though, so, I charge by the drag.β
βThatβs ridiculous, and no thanks. It doesnβt suit me.β
He lets out a laugh, releasing whatever tension he was building in your space, and the smell of weed is nauseating, but at least it's a new sensation to you.
βYouβve gotta be the only film major on the planet that doesnβt smoke weed. How do you manage?β he asks, the orange flicker of his joint being the only color you can distinctly see under the similarly flickering street lights.Β
Your finger traces the rim of the camera lens and is careful to not smudge the glass. βI think I manage just fine.β
βYeah. With delusion,β he says, coughing, scattering smoke into the air this time instead of a clean blow.
You turn a bit in your seat to face him more, placing the camera down. βYouβre extremely blunt.β
His eyebrow raises in amusement and you close your eyes with annoyance at the pun. You brush it off.
βI mean, seriously, I get youβre probably just looking out for me, I guess. I appreciate that. But do you really think my dreams of becoming a filmmaker are that far-fetched?β you ask. Thereβs a crack to your voice at the end that you didnβt like.
He sighs, setting his wrist down on the table. Thereβs a long pause where he thinks about what to say. Probably the most youβve seen him consider what words leave his mouth next. βI was in the same shoes as you, y/n. A couple years ago. I, too, had big dreams of making movies. I was going to apply to film grad school as well, although youβre shooting higher than I was at the time. Thereβs no way I wouldβve gotten into UTokyoβs.β He tilts his head to the side a few times while looking straight off ahead. βI sent scripts in everywhere. To every fucking production company, creative agency, you name it. Never got a callback, not even once. While all my fellow grads were landing decent, respectable jobs.β He brings the joint to his mouth again, but he doesnβt inhale, just bitterly bites it. βI couldβve went on like that, but,β his brow furrows, βIβve seen my peers torture themselves for years for those dreams of theirs. I swore I wouldnβt be one of them. Because theyβre all delusional fucks.β He finally glances at you. βAre you one, too?β
Your shoulders drop a little and your lips purse. βI donβt know yet. Itβs too early to say.βΒ
βItβs never too early to say, if the outcome is all the same,β he tells you.Β
You consider his words for a moment. Itβs the easy way out. You should consider yourself lucky. Everyone wants a reason, a sign, to turn away from the one thing theyβre scared to think about. And here he was, giving that to you on a silver platter.
But if what you wanted was really all that fragile, then it means thereβs nothing to show for any of it. For all the effort it took you to get here, and all the effort youβre still willing to give.Β
βIβll keep going until I fail,β you say, βor until I succeed.β Itβs not really something you say for him, but for yourself.
He juts his bottom lip out and raises his eyebrows, slowly nodding his head, like heβs impressed by you. But his posture remains lax. βI mean, youβre working this job. Youβve got some sort of plan, at least. Itβs not like Iβm your parent to tell you what to do and what not to do.β He finally takes another drag, eyebrows pinching together at the same time his fingers pinch close to the burn of his joint to pull it away. βWhatβs that one saying? You can take a horse to the water, but you canβt make it drink.β
βWow. You donβt sound a day older than sixty-five.β
He smirks at you. βYouβve got a lot of attitude, Canon. Where does it come from?β
You sink a little in your seat, turning away from him to look down at your hands that were still messing with the features of his camera. βMy annoying feelings lately.β
βFeelings about what?β
You consider telling the truth. But you donβt. βMy car is in repair and Iβm not sure I can afford to pay for the bill, since things keep coming up with it.β It was the thing at the top of your mind at the moment though, for some reason, so partially truthful.
He laughs. βYeah, cars have a way of doing that when youβre finally getting caught up on bills.β
βAt what point does spontaneously picking up random, obscure jobs go from omg Iβm so excited to have this opportunity to I just need the money?β you ask.
βYou mean youβre not already at that point yet?β he says with a scoff. βSoon, then.β
You sigh.
βYβknow I used to work at this lousy cinema a few miles away from Central,β he tells you, hand tapping the table with a rhythm that makes no sense. βBusted my ass working minimum wage on night shifts because I thought Iβd catch a big break in conversation with a director, as if Martin Fucking Scorcese would choose to host his opening night at a random Edwards in Tokyo.β His tapping on the table stops. βTell me that isnβt pathetic as hell.β
βThatβs pathetic as hell.β
βThe things youβll do for money,β he says with a sigh. He sounds detached, like itβs really just a message for you.
You lick your lips, skin feeling dry from the wind that occasionally brushes by, and when you glance at Kai again, thereβs a grit to his jaw.
βShouldβve been born as one of those damn college athletes,β he grumbles, sucking in fast through the joint that was close to withering away. βThose fuckers donβt pay tuition.β
The harsh colors of the soccer teamβs color-coded practice schedule on your phone are visible when you blink, as well as the exhaustion under Gojoβs eyes in the warm lighting of the hotel lobby earlier tonight. βThey work hard.β
He looks at you. βI work hard, too.β
Your shoulders tense. βIβm sure.β
βYou work hard as well.β Just to include you.
βYeah.β
βI mean, you canβt tell me that itβs fair.β
Your mind wanders to some of the people youβve met on that team, who have been nice to you. You think of Gojo, and the memory of him makes you wish you were with him right now. Despite everything.
βI guess itβs not fair,β is all you say, a tactic to diffuse the conversation, one that youβve had to use twice with him today. The sound of the swing chains clinking together from the wind in the distance runs a chill down your spine.
You feel heavy in your chest, and you glance at the joint pinched in between Kaiβs fingers. Heβs not keeping an eye on it, so itβs easy to steal, and you bring it to your lips before sucking in. You instantly let out a few coughs. Heβs looking at you with surprise. And youβre still in desperate need of that distraction youβve been craving.
βHow long does it take for it to kick in?β you ask, coughing again and pressing a hand to your chest.
βSuper long when you can barely stomach a single drag.β
You try again. He watches you. You swear you feel a buzz this time, and you hand the joint back to him. You feel like youβre having an out-of-body experience.
βHow are you feeling?β he asks.
βGood,β you tell him, βreally good.β
βThatβs gotta be placebo, Canon.β
βNo, really,β you sigh it. Even if it was, maybe your mind was just blessing you with a single moment of reprieve. βI feelβ¦really good,β you say with your head in a haze. βBest Iβveβ¦β you donβt know why you have to blink back tears, βbest Iβve felt this whole week.β
Kaiβs silent next to you. You look over at him, and heβs got a scrutinizing expression on his face. His eyes are glazed. βYou seeing anyone right now, Canon?β
Itβs the savory question you know has been on the tip of his tongue. Ignorantly asked, as if you wouldβve been sitting here with him right now in the dead of night if the answer was yes.Β
βNo.β
Heβs leaning towards you, and youβre dazed and also sleepy. His face is close now, thereβs an urge to giggle, which means thereβs no way this is all just placebo, and when his lips dip towards yours, youβre conscious enough to push him away by a weakly fisted hand pressed to his collarbone.
βOh. I. Um,β you stutter.
βWhat?β he asks, eyebrow raised, still close to you.
βNo. No thanks.β Because it felt wrong.Β
He fully pulls away from you, and runs a hand through his hair, a deep sigh leaving him. βAlright.β
Youβre breathing faster now, surroundings feeling vague, like youβre in sweltering heat but the air only bites cold.
You stand up suddenly. βIβ¦I want to go back.β
βGo back where?β
βTo the hotel. To my room.β You pause. βI mean, by myself. Not with you. We can share a ride, though.β
He stands up too, hands reaching for you, gripping the straps of his camera still hung around your neck and he pulls it off to place it back into the case. You feel like youβve lost favor with him somehow. βOkay. Sure.βΒ
βBut not with you.β You felt the need to clarify again.
βI get it, Canon. Itβs fine.β
β
βMaybe you just need to fuck him aggressively without mercy.β
βI beg your finest pardon?β
Youβre sitting in a booth inside this streetside KFC with Mina sitting across the table, waving a fry around in the air, and with Nobara next to you as she tries to open a packet of ketchup with her teeth. The hangout the three of you have been hyping up all week, just to be sat in the same place you always go to. You were about to take a bite out of your sandwich, but you set it back down on your tray.
Mina points the fry at you and shrugs. βIβm saying. Maybe youβre having such a hard time getting over Gojo because you got so close to fucking him in that bathroom, but you didnβt, and now youβre in, like, this constant state of edging.β She bites down on the fry. βThe clit knows what the heart doesnβt.β
βYour theories never fail to amaze me,β you mumble, sinking further into the booth.Β
βPerhaps itβll take the edge off.β Mina sucks through the straw of her Diet coke. Nobara finally succeeds in opening her packet of ketchup.
βI doubt it. Besides, I technically already gave him an invitation to,β you say, fingers rubbing at your eye with a swipe as you wince from the memory, βand he rejected me, so, still swimming in the self hatred from that one.β
Mina hums. βThereβs no way heβs not foaming at the mouth for it, y/n. Men never let a meal they were craving go unfinished,β she states, dramatically stabbing a chicken nugget with a fork.
βWhat kind of pigs do you guys associate yourselves with?β Nobara asks. Sheβs a lesbian, by the way.
βI raise another question. Why are we talking about this in a public restaurant?β you offer.
βListen, babes,β Mina continues, like your words fall on deaf ears because sheβs got some point to make, βitβll either poof. Make your feelings go away like the drop of a hat because you find out heβs a bad lay. Or itβll be so good that you realize youβre never getting over him and youβll be thinking of his dick instead of your husbandβs on your wedding night.β
βWeβre. In. A. Public. Restaurant.β
Mina steals a biscuit from your tray. βIf it ends up being the first outcome, then the whole thing was my idea. If itβs the secondβ¦then just know that Nobara has steered you wrong.β
βWhy the hell do you have to drag me into this?β Nobara asks.
Youβre about to take a bite from your sandwich again when youβre interrupted by the buzzing of your phone in your purse. You pull it out and glance at the caller ID, then let out a sigh.
βSorry, I have to take this,β you mumble, slipping out of the booth and towards the restaurantβs exit, pushing the tense door open with a gust of fresh air brushed through you.
βHello?β Itβs the car repair man. βReally? I thought you said it was fixed.β Apparently something else came up. βOkayβ¦how much longer will it be in repair?β Much longer than you had thought. βAnd how much will it cost?β Much more expensive than you had thought. βI donβt know what to say. I mean, really, I feel as though every time Iβm on the line with you all, I have to wait longer to get my car back, and the bill just racks up higher.β Theyβre trying their best. βI know. Is it necessary to fix in order to drive, though?β State laws require it. βOkayβ¦thanks for the update.β And then you hang up without another word, and with all the frustration in the world.
You head back inside and grumble about your car woes to Mina and Nobara, who try their best to respond with interest.
βWhy canβt your insurance cover it?β Mina asks.
βApparently they canβt claim itβs because of those rocks I drove over,β you sigh, βsince it looks like itβs been a problem for longer than that.β
βCan you afford it?β Nobara asks.
βNot really,β you say. βIβll just have to postpone having my car for a bit.β
You sigh with a glance out the window of this fine dining establishment, into the blue skies just beyond, head drowning out the voices of Mina and Nobara as they continue to grill you about all sorts of questions that you donβt have the energy to answer right now. You had another student loan payment to make once you got home today, and just the thought of it makes your heart drop a little. And you realize you just canβt afford to be picky about your financial situation anymore.
β
βThanks for helping me out with this,β you say, footsteps over familiar grassy hills as you head towards the UTokyoβs practice field, your digital Canon EOS hanging from your neck.Β
βSure,β Kai says as he keeps pace next to you, βwhy the sudden mission, though?β
Youβre gazing off straight ahead, a nervous pit in your stomach since itβs been a while since youβve walked across this landscape towards the field.Β
βI just feel like I need to diversify my income somehow,β you sigh, the buzzwords leaving a bitter taste in your mouth as you say them but it was the reality of your situation, βto make ends meet. When you mentioned freelance work during our conversation last week, it made me think itβs time for me to pick that up too.β
Kai hums. βYeah, itβs a good plan. Iβll try to show you what I know.β
Once youβve made it to the top of that hill, the one that oversees the field, your eyes instantly scan the field for familiar silhouettes, and your breath catches in your throat when you spot Gojo passively kicking a ball back and forth between one of his teammates for warm-ups.
Itβs the second time youβve seen him since that argument the two of you had in the hotel lobby, the first being at the post-game conference in which you did everything in your power to swiftly avoid him, and you plan on keeping that up. Thereβs also an urge to run away, but youβre starting to realize thatβs not much of an option anymore.
βHonestly, you donβt really need to worry too much about shutter speed with freelance like you do for shooting sports,β Kai is mumbling next to you as he messes with the settings on his camera, the two of you making your way down the hill towards the field, and youβre not really listening because your eyes are on Gojo, whoβs yelling something across the field to his teammates with a look of concentration on his face.
βUh huh, I see,β you say. You see Kai glance at you in his periphery.
βYou again!β you hear a familiar harsh voice call out, and you turn on your heel to face Coach Yaga whoβs standing a few feet away in his custom UTokyo tracksuit with his arms crossed against his chest. βWhy are you on my field?β
You hold your breath for a second. βHi, Coach Yaga, so sorry, but Iβm just here to take some more photos.β
He lets out one of his hmphs, unrelenting. βYouβre a distraction. Get off my field.β
βD-Distraction?β
βCoach!β Suddenly, Getoβs in your line of sight as he emerges with a light jog up to your side. βYou should really be nicer to our photographers, they give us a lot of publicity for our games. And publicity means funding.β
Coach Yaga narrows his eyes. βI need all my players focused right now. Even during practice.β He gives you a disapproving glance and youβre still confused, but also weirdly angered.
βExcuse me, Coach Yaga, but last time I checked, this field is technically open for all students. And Iβm a student,β you say to him, crossing your arms across your chest now. βSo, I can be here if I want.β
You have no idea if thatβs true at all, but sometimes youβve just gotta fake it βtil you make it.
Coach Yaga grumbles something and then waves his hands in the air. βFine! Iβve no bandwidth to argue about this anymore! Just donβt distract my players.β
Youβre shocked that it worked, and Geto nudges you with an elbow to correct your expression so that Coach Yaga doesnβt catch on to the bullshit you just spewed.Β
βAre you here to take some photos?β Geto asks, facing you. Heβs got his hands on his hips, breathing slightly fast, some of his hair falling onto his forehead.Β
βYeah, I am, just for practice though. Iβm here withββ you glance at Kai, whoβs standing with his fists shoved into his pockets, βKai. Heβs also with the newsletter.β
Thereβs a moment where Geto studies the two of you for a second before speaking. βI know,β he says, extending his hand out for Kai to shake, which he does, βI think Iβve seen you around. Not sure if weβve formally met, but itβs nice to meet you.β
βYeah, likewise.β Kaiβs hand is then shoved back into his pocket.
You feel awkward suddenly, and then quickly say something to Geto about how he should probably get back to practice, which he agrees to, and then youβre standing at the chalk sideline with Kai as he shows you the ins and outs about digital photography.
βHave you tried shooting in burst mode?β he asks, switching the feature on your camera and then handing it back to you. You sling the strap around your neck.
βHmβ¦β you start, pointing your camera across the expanse of the field to multiple areas. The trees off into the distance, the goal posts, Coach Yagaβs yapping Pomeranian. βNot reallyβ¦β The grass beneath your feet, the sky above your head, and then blurrily focused before settling on Gojo who stood in the distance straight ahead.
You see through your viewfinder that heβs caught sight of you too, a look of surprise on his face seen only by the level of zoom, and you glance up from the screen to make eye contact with him in reality. Heβs fully staring at you, and you can barely see the way his expression relaxes from that one of athletic concentration to something wistful and strange that youβve had a hard time reading lately.
βCanon? Are you even listening?β
βHuh?β you snap out of it and look at Kai. βSorry. Could you repeat that?β You quickly glance toward Gojo again, and his line of sight points towards Kai now.
βI was asking if youβve tried panning before,β he says, reaching for your camera, pulling it towards him, but the strap around your neck means youβre pulled closer to him too.Β
βSatoru!β Coach Yaga yells in the distance. βEyes on the ball!βΒ
βJust got to set your camera to manual mode first,β Kai mutters, confusion in his voice. βWhere the fuck is it?β Heβs turning your camera in his hands, which only has you stumbling with another small step towards him, your chest pressed flush to his arm, and he looks down at you for a brief second with a smirk on his face.
You hear the sound of a ball being kicked on the field, followed by the shout of one of the players.
βAh, here, found it,β Kai says, handing your camera back to you, and just as youβre about to say thanks and you hold your camera up, youβre hit straight in the face by a flying object and fall backwards onto the grass with a painful thud.
What the fuck?
Where are you?
Who are you?
Okay, thatβs dramatic, it wasnβt that bad.
Thereβs shouting in the distance as you hold your head with a groan, eyes shut tight with images of your life flashing behind your eyelids, and when you open your eyes again from where youβre sat up on the grass, youβre surrounded by soccer players.
Gojoβs suddenly in your line of sight, knelt down beside you and heβs holding your shoulders, trying to get you to look at him but youβre still blinking away the stars youβre seeing. βFuck, y/n, are you okay?β he asks, and you register the concern on his face.
βDude,β one of his teammates kicks the heel of his cleat, βwhere the fuck were you looking? It was clear as day I was tryna pass to you.β
Gojo grumbles something to him, his brow furrowed, and heβs lowering his head to try to make eye-level contact with you but youβre still holding your head with a wince.
βOh shit,β Kai comments, βsheβs bleeding.β
You pull your hand from your face to glance down at the wetness that you feel, and bright red color stains the tips of your fingers.
The next thing you register is Gojo picking you up off the hard grassy ground into his arms, and starts carrying you away down the field.
βW-What the hell are you doing?β you ask, his pacing across the grass is fast and you have to wrap your arms around his neck to keep from getting dizzy.
βIβm taking you to the hospital,β he says, voice strained in his throat, and youβve never seen him look so worried before.Β
βThe hospital?! Please donβt, I donβt have health insurance right now.β His face is so close and youβre distracted from the pain of your headache.
βYouβre bleeding on the face, Iβm taking you whether you like it or not,β he grumbles.
You dig your nails into his shoulder through the nylon of his shirt, and he hisses from the pain before stopping in his tracks. βI donβt need to go to the hospital, Satoru, I just need a fucking bandaid.β
βYou could have a concussion.β
βA concussion?!β You kick your feet for him to let you down but his grip on you only tightens. βYouβre being ridiculous. Let me go, or Iβll bite you.β
He scoffs at that and continues walking forward. βYouβre gonna bite me? Thatβs the most threatening thing you could come up with?β
βIβm being so dead serious, Gojo Satoru. No hospital.β
He grumbles something under his breath at your use of his full government name, and then says βfineβ but heβs still walking down the grass until his cleats begin to tap on concrete, and then on what sounds like tile as he carries you into a building a few yards from the field.
He seats you on a cold counter, your hand gripping the faucet of a sink, and you finally take a comprehensive look at your surroundings. light blue, faint scent of chlorine in the air
βIs thisβ¦a locker room? The men's locker room?β
He sighs, bending his knees a bit to look at your face closely. You flinch when his hand reaches out, and he pauses, but you relax slightly and then he rubs his thumb over your cheek. You feel the smear of a droplet of blood. βYes. I need running water.β He turns the faucet of the sink on to run his thumb under.
βFor what?β you ask. His thumb is running over your cheek again.
βTo take care of this cut.β He disappears behind a tile wall for a moment. You can hear metal clanking, probably of a locker opening and closing, and he re-emerges with a first-aid kit.
You slide your butt across the counter to the edge, about to hop off and make a run for it when he grabs your hips and puts you back into place. βDonβt even think about it,β he grumbles. He leans forward, grips you strongly, and you see that heβs still breathing heavily from practice, strands of hair stuck to his forehead with sweat, and you can practically taste the salt on his neck.Β
You press your shin to the front of his thigh, desperate to put some space between the two of you. βI donβt wanna be in here. Men are scary.β
βWell I canβt take you into the womenβs locker room,β he says, ripping the packet of an antiseptic wipe open with his teeth, βIβd get registered as a sex offender.β
You attempt at an escape again, and heβs quick to get his hands on you to stop it.
βQuit manhandling me, or Iβll scream,β you threaten through gritted teeth, because youβre still mad at him. For everything.
βGo ahead,β he says, using his knee to spread your legs apart, then finds a place to stand between your thighs to get closer to you. βIβve got a lot of ways I could shut you up.β
You blink at him, breath catching in your throat, and the expression on his face tells you heβs not interested in dealing with your stubbornness anymore.
βJust hold still,β he grumbles, placing the packet down on your thigh and then stepping off to the side to wash his hands under the sink.
βWhat exactly happened?β you ask, watching him dry his hands off with a few paper towels. One moment, Kai was trying to explain good digital photography to you, and the next you were dizzy from being knocked back onto the ground.
βYou got hit by a soccer ball.β
βI know, but how?β You remember your camera hit your face from the impact too, and now youβre worried about it.
βIβ¦wasnβt paying attention when my teammate passed it,β he admits with a sigh, finding his place in front of you again, the knuckles of his clean hand brushing across your cheek, caressing. Your expression softens slightly. He uses a hand spread across the small of your back to push you forward to him, then he gently passes the wipe over your wound.
βOh okay so, you failed to protect me from a flying soccer ball.βΒ
He pulls his hand from you to read the lettering on the back of the packet. βIβm patching you up now, arenβt I?β he says, annoyed. ββ¦oh fuck, I was supposed to go in with water first.β
βSo glad to be in such good hands right now.βΒ
He gives you a pointed look, but you ignore it and turn your torso to see your reflection in the mirror for the first time. You had a small wound on your cheek, right over the bone, with some bleeding and itβs wider than it is deep. But when you look at Gojo again, whoβs putting some ointment onto a Q-tip now, the look of guilt and worry on his face makes you feel satisfied for some reason, and you wanted to make it worse.
βDoes it hurt?β he asks, brow furrowed, applying the cold gel to your cheek.
βMhm. A lot.β Not really, no.
βFuck. Iβm sorry,β he sighs, head dipping towards you slightly to get a better look, βcan you feel this?β
βAhh, yeah. Ouch. So much.β Barely.
His other hand is placed flat on the counter next to where youβre sitting, and you allow it when his thumb starts to run soothing circles over your hip.
βHmmβ¦β you start, wide eyes looking up at him as he seems to lean closer and closer to you with every word that leaves your lips, βI really wonder if itβll leave a scar.β
He looks tortured. His hand that was maneuvering the Q-tip in his hands drops to the counter now, and he brings his other one to your face, cupping your cheek. His eyes dart from the wound, thumb pressing at the plush of your cheek, and this time, it hurts a little so you wince. His expression is tense, some sort of inner turmoil you could read across his forehead, and then his jaw hardens.
βWho was that guy you were talking to earlier?β
You blink a few, then tilt your head slightly. You feel like youβre on a game show, where thereβs four options and only one right answer. New boytoy, gay best friend, fuck buddy, orβ βHeβs my coworker.β
βThatβs it?β
βMhm.β
βHas he tried anything funny with you?βΒ
You almost roll your eyes. βNo, dad, he hasnβt.β
βWoah. Say that again but make it daddy.β
βHey just a quick question for you. Where do you get the audacity?β
His bent index finger finds a place under your chin, tilting your head up so youβre forced to look at him. βItβs your fault, really. I canβt help it sometimes,β he says, voice lower now. Youβre squirming a little, wanting to push him away but his lips get close to your cheek, brushing near your wound, like he wants to make it all better somehow. βI really am sorry,β he whispers, near your ear. Thereβs a whimper you have to stifle in your throat. He pulls aways just enough to where he can look into your eyes. βA cutβ¦β he starts, thumb now passing over your bottom lip, βon your pretty face.β He sighs. You shouldnβt, but when he prods, you tuck his thumb under your front teeth and your tongue presses slightly against the padded skin of it. He looks like heβs being driven to insanity, and his other hand has no shame at all in pulling you towards him, to seat you at the edge of the counter, and you miss the texture of his thumb on your tongue when he pulls it from your mouth. But itβs so he can dip his head down to kiss you instead.
Of course the sensation of his lips on yours only lasts for a second, because the universe really fucking hates (or loves?) you, so the loud clanking of a metal water bottle against tile interrupts with harsh reverberation throughout the locker room walls, and he pulls away from you when you jump at the sound.
You both turn your heads towards the origin, located at the curved end of the entryway hall, and one of Gojoβs teammates is standing there with his duffle bag slung around his neck and hanging heavily to his thigh, his water bottle clutched in his hand. He blinks at the two of you.
Oh. Itβs the one you kissed at that party a few weeks ago.
βWhatββ¦Why is there aββ his teammate starts, panicked, turning his head to double check the sign on the locker room wall as if heβs hallucinating, and when his eyes land on you again, they widen with recognition. His gaze shifts, and his chin tips down at the sight of Gojoβs irritated side eye from where he was still all up in your personal space. ββ¦you know what. Nevermind.β
His teammateβs eyes are on you again, and you give him a shy little wave, just a fluttering of your fingers in the air paired with a small smile, legs swinging back and forth under the counter. He lets out an amused scoff from the entryway, lifting his hand to return the gesture, some cheeky grin on his face as he then scratches the back of his head before turning on his heel to leave the locker room, out of sight. You let out a sigh, hand dropping to your lap, and you donβt need to look at Gojo to tell that heβs staring at you with disbelief.
βWhat the fuck was thatββ
βYou,β you interrupt him, finger jabbing at the center of his chest, βhave seriously got a lot of fucking nerve,β you hop off the counter, βto not only allow a soccer ball to sock me in the face,β heβs taking a step back with every harsh jab of your finger, βbut to also hold me hostage in a mensβ locker room,β his back is pressed up against cold tile wall now while he just looks down at you with wide eyes and something akin to fear, βand then, oh my god, the audacity to kiss me?β
βIββ
βI donβt wanna hear it!β you yell, which shuts him up. βYou really are just a fucking player.β
Heβs stiff, not wanting to catch a punishment from you right now.
βBut it doesnβt matter,β you grumble, still drilling your finger into his ribcage with the intent to cause pain. You didnβt need to be this close, but his body is warm, probably due to the blood pumping from practice, and it feels nice to be pressed up against. βBecause I donβt have feelings for you anymore, so just fucking get over yourself.β It was a lie if youβve ever told one, but you wanted to believe it so much that it could come off as the truth.
His eyes narrow down at you, eyebrows flattening. βYou donβt have feelings for me anymore?β
βNo, I donβt.β
βI donβt believe you.β
You roll your eyes. βWhy? Because you want me to keep suffering?β
He grabs your hips, then makes a motion that is evident of his desire to pull you flush to him, but he stops himself. Thereβs a moment where he just takes a few deep breaths and looks at you with a hardened expression, then a split second where his eyes fall to that little cut on your cheek, and every single feature of his face softens, and then he lets you go.
You take a small step back, breathing heavily of your own, and you feel the ghost sensation of his fingertips wrapped around your hips. It makes you feel dizzy, and your thoughts are a mess.Β
He sighs. βSorry. For the soccer ball, and this locker room. But Iβm not really sorry for kissing you, and if that makes me a jerk, then so be it.β
Your heart is beating fast. βYou are a jerk, Satoru,β you say. He doesnβt like you, he doesnβt want you. A mantra played over and over in your head that youβve started to hear it at night. βA real fucking jerk.β And you leave him standing there in a way that feels like the hundredth time.
β
2:34pm kaito (work): yo
2:34pm kaito (work): i had my guy look at your camera
2:35pm kaito (work): itβs pretty fucked up
2:37pm you: :( oh okay isee. does he have an estimate for the fix? the lens is okay though right?
2:39pm kaito (work): yeah lens is fine, you should really count your blessings on that.Β
2:40pm kaito (work): but nah, fix would be around the same as the cost of it, so youβre better off getting a new one
2:42pm you: i donβt have thousands of yen laying around unfortunately. my car bill has sucked me dry
2:44pm kaito (work): well let me check with him. maybe he can hook you up with a good deal on a used one
2:45pm kaito (work): i got a 50% off on one of my canon cameras i bought from him a few years back. maybe heβs still got some like that
2:46pm you: yes could you check with him please? thanks so much, really
2:48pm kaito (work): sure. although i think the guy that kicked the ball to your face should be paying for your camera replacement
2:51pm you: they were just practicing. itβs their field
2:56pm kaito (work): alright. btw, you free tonight?
You blink at your phone screen from where you were sprawled across your bed. Before you have a chance to type out a response, your phone lights up with a phone call from kaito (work). You accept the call.
βOh, hi,β you say.
βHey, are you free tonight?β
βOh uhh, I was just about to check my schedule.β You shake your head at your inability to come up with an excuse on the spot.
βOkay,β he says on the other line. You hear the sounds of cars honking in the distance. βWell let me know. I just left my camera guyβs shop, and he was telling me about how one of his friends does visuals for a short-film director, and that the director is looking for an assistant.β Kai grumbles something about someone he walked past being rude. βI think the directorβs agency is Verve Films, so.β
You sit up in bed, eyes wide at the mention of the name. βOh, oh wow. Thatβs insane.β
βYup,β he says, βanyways, apparently the director is busy as fuck, so he left the hiring process up to my camera guyβs friend. I told him I knew someone that might be interested. Are you?β
You take a deep breath in and out. βYeah, I am. Most of my experience on my resume lines up with short-film, so Iβd be able toββ
βAlright great,β he interrupts, βso we can hold the interview tonight.β
βWe?β you ask.
βWell yeah, me, my camera guy, the hiring guy. Maybe go for drinks or something.β
Your brow furrows. βThat hardly sounds like an interview.β
Kai sighs. βWell, itβs not an interview for a desk job or something. Itβs more of likeβwell, like building connections. I know you know all about that, since Utahime got you the newsletter job.β
Well, yes. She put a word in for you, which helped get the interview, but you still went against qualified applicants. βI guess.β
βItβll be like that. Most opportunities youβll get if you still want to pursue filmmaking are going to be like that,β he tells you, βif it feels informal, it means youβre doing it right. You might not think so now because youβre still in school, where they practically serve opportunities to students on platters, but itβs going to be different in the real world.β
You lay your head back onto the pillow, feeling like youβre receiving a lecture you didnβt ask for, and your first instinct is to pretend that you know better than he does. But when you think about all the stress recently, all of the not knowing, and the unsure, you question if you should start leaning into the advice of the people around you, and start to accept this career path for what itβs known to be. Unruly, unconventional, and a lot of times, unfair.Β
βI see. Well, can I think about it? Tonight is too soon, Iβd need time to research the director, put a portfolio together, and also do some interview prep,β you say, pulling your phone from your ear to glance at the time.
βWell, tonightβs the only night that works since their teamβs shooting abroad for the weekend and they leave tomorrow morning,β he says.
You purse your lips together.
βBut also,β Kai says, βitβs the nice thing to do, yβknow, since my camera guy is taking the time to look at your camera for free, you could at least help his friend out. By the way, he just texted me, he does have some used Canons available at discount.β
You close your eyes for a second, just trying to process this conversation right now. Kai was speaking too fast, hardly enough time for you to even think.
βSo do you want to do the interview tonight?β
βYes, sure. Okay. Justβ just send me the details. Iβll be there,β you say.
βAlright cool, will do.βΒ
You say bye, and then he hangs up.
A few hours pass by, where you spend some time putting together a flash drive of a couple of your best short films youβve worked on in the past with other directors, as well as a portfolio of some recently developed film photography. The last thing to do was grab your emergency stash of print outs of your resume, and then you stuff it all into a folder before glancing at the mirror to take in your reflection. It felt extremely weird to show up to a job interview in something as casual as what you were wearing right now, but Kai insisted to not wear anything business. But at least you opted for jeans that donβt have any DIY holes in them.
Your face is glued to the navigation on your phone screen the second you get out of the taxi, and you walk down the bustling nightlife streets of Tokyo to get to this bar that Kai sent you the address of. But just as youβre about to turn the corner to your destination down the bar strip, you bump into someoneβs chest due to lack of paying any proper attention.
βAhβ Iβm so sorry,β you say, your grip on your phone tightening when you realize it was about to get knocked out of your hand, and then you look up to see a familiar face.
βOh!β Geto exclaims from where heβs standing right in front of you, βYouβre everywhere, y/n. What are you doing here?β
You open your mouth to speak, hesitate for a second, and then continue. βIβm here toβ¦get drinks with some of my friends.β
He gives you a smile. βThatβs nice. I am too.β He points over his shoulder to behind him. βNanami got into his MBA program earlier this week, so, Satoru, Choso and I are buying him a few rounds. Or possibly a million. The plan is to incapacitate him as punishment for giving up on playing in the national league with us.β
You humor him with a laugh. βThatβs sweet. Or not? Well anyway, tell him I said congrats.β Your heart starts to beat a little faster, because from the direction Geto came from, it meant Gojo was likely just around the corner somewhere. βWhere are you heading to now?β
βWeβre bar hopping, and I think I forgot my phone at the last one we went to over there,β he says, pointing across the street. βSo Iβm going to go look for it.βΒ
βOh alright,β you say. βGood luck with that. Iβm going to go find my, uh, my friends.β
Geto tilts his head at you and had a slightly more serious expression on his face, glancing at the folder in your hands. βThanks. And stay safe.βΒ
You nod at him and then walk past him to round the corner onto the street that had groups of people loitering in front of restaurants, bars and all sorts of establishments as they wait in the cold to get inside or be seated. You recognize the name on one of the signs hanging as the one Kai sent you in his message, and when youβre a few feet away from it, you spot Kai. Heβs wearing his typical street photographer wear, with a red flannel over a gray shirt and pants that are possibly a size too big for him, but thatβs likely the style he was going for. Heβs standing with two other people.
βHey,β you greet Kai first, who has a pleasant look on his expression before he greets you back and gestures to the two people he was with.
βYo, this is Junichi, my camera guy,β he says. βDonβt bother shaking his hand, heβs a germaphobe. Gotta keep βem clean for the electronics.β
βOh,β you say. Junichi is a big man, broad shoulders and thick muscles. His neck is almost as thick as his bicep, and he has no hair on his head. His arms are crossed. βItβs nice to meet you. Thank you for taking a look at my camera.β
He nods at you in acknowledgment. βSure thing. Pretty Boy here says you want to buy one of my used Canons. I donβt refurbish them, so youβd better know how.β
Kai sighs, nudging Junichi a little with a fist. βRelax, dude, we can talk about that later. Also, stop calling me that.β
Your eyes flicker to the right, where another man stood, who you assume was Junichiβs friend and this Verve Films directorβs visual effects specialist. Heβs similar in stature to Kai, with that casual artist look, and he has a scuffle of facial hair littering his jaw in less of an intentional fashion but rather a five-o-clock shadow fashion. You vaguely register the scent of weed, familiar to the one that lingers in the photo lab on campus after class hours. He reaches his hand out to you first.
βHi, Iβm Ren. I work in visual effects for director Akira Ko at Verve.β
Your eyes widen as you shake his hand.Β βThatβs amazing. Iβve studied a lot of his contemporary works, Iβd love to learn more about his process.β
Ren lets a fast exhale out through his nose. βYeah, youβll learn a lot under him.β He pauses to shove his hands into the pockets of his jacket. βMost of his assistants always do.β
βWeβve been waiting for too damn long,β Kai interjects before you could ask any questions about the assistant position, and he glances at his watch, βand thereβs still a lot of people ahead of us.β
You glance around to the small groups of people gathered in front of this bar on a lively Friday night, eyes jumping from one area to the next, until a familiar silhouette catches your eye.
You see Gojo standing with Nanami and Choso a few strides away, near the lamppost. Heβs mostly turned away from you, Nanami nudging his arm annoyed at something he said, and the sound of his laughter in the air makes your heart feel like itβs at stray. Like that was where you were supposed to be right now, not here.
You watch him from the distance as he sighs, shrugging his shoulders up and down slightly before crossing his arms when Choso gestures towards the entrance of the bar, and so he looks in that direction too. Heβs frowning slightly and he brushes some of the hair fallen over his forehead away from his eyes, in that boyish way that makes your heart skip a beat, and you know heβs just doing it to see a little bit better, but it makes you want to cry.Β
Geto walks up to them and rejoins their little circle, and holds his phone up in the air, and then thereβs the melody of their voices bouncing off one anotherβs again. Geto rests his elbow up onto Gojoβs shoulder, leaning in a bit closer to tell him something, and when Gojo hears it, you see his entire body tense before his wide eyes are searching his surroundings, until those eyes land on you.
Your breath catches, and you hold his eye contact for only a moment before you look away, because it almost felt like too much to bear.
βWhatβs that folder in your hand?β Ren asks you, and you turn completely to face him so you canβt see Gojo in your periphery at all anymore.
βI just brought some of my work, for yourβer, I guess Mr. Koβsβreference if heβd like to see it after todayβsβ¦interview,β you say. βThereβs a flashdrive, too.β
Ren has an amused look on his face and he shoves Kaiβs shoulder with his palm. βDude, you didnβt tell her?β
Kai shakes his head. βTell her what?β
βOhh, I see how it is,β Ren muses.
βWhat?β Kai asks, starting to sound annoyed.
Ren tips his chin up slightly to study Kaiβs face, and then his look of amusement dissipates into one of understanding. βNothing.β
βTell me what?β you prod.
βJust that you didnβt really need to bring all of that with you,β he says. βSorry for the trouble.β
You shake your head. βItβs fine, but if you could still give it to himββ
βIβm surprised Kai suggested someone when I asked if he knew anyone,β Junichi jumps in, βIβm used to him grumbling on and on about how shit the work is in filmmaking. Wouldβve thought heβd convinced you to look the other way by now.β
You blink at the gruff man, then look at Kai, and heβs just staring down at the dirt of his shoes. βWell, we had a conversation about it. But Iβm pretty set on what I want to do,β you say.
Kai lets out a scoff. βYeah, I donβt really know how else to warn you about the shit show youβre in for, but if you want to be in debt to grad school for the next couple decades of your life, then itβs up to you.β
βHey, jackass, try to be a bit nicer,β Ren speaks up. βSheβs got some goals. Big fuckinβ deal.β He turns to you. βAlthough, heβs got a point sweetheart, schoolβs not going to get you anywhere in this industry.β
You frown. βA lot of directors I look up to went through graduate schooling. Most, I would say. I donβt understand where this rhetoric is coming from.β
βItβs coming from real people with real experience,β Ren says, and you dislike the way he takes a step closer to you to reiterate his point, βhonestly, you should save yourself some time and give up on applying. Itβs not worth it.β
βIβve already put my application together,β you say, brow furrowing slightly, βIβve asked professors for my references, spent the past four years working on my profileββΒ
βBut working under a director, I mean really getting to work under one, beats all of that. Which is why youβre here, right?β Ren asks, but itβs not curious, itβs testing.
You feel a sheen of sweat build at your forehead, even in this cold, and you clench your hand into a fist once, twice, thrice. Youβre breathing fast, and the three sets of eyes that are staring so scrutinizingly into your soul right now have you faltering, like if they took another step forward, tried to intrude what you thought you knew one more time, youβd fall backwards over the cliff.
Suddenly, a hand wraps around your upper arm, and when you turn your head to the left, you see Gojo standing there.
βHey,β he says to you, sparing one single sidewards glare towards Kai, who immediately averts the eye contact, before Gojoβs eyes are on you again, βcan I talk to you for a second?β
You look at the three men in your circle, who suddenly adopt skittish body postures, and Gojo doesnβt really wait longer than a few seconds before heβs pulling you away from them over towards the edge of the curb towards the street.
βWhat?β you ask once he lets go of your arm.
βWhat are you doing here with those guys?β he asks.
βIβmββ¦why does it matter to you?β you ask.
βIt matters to me because of the fucking absurd conversation I just overheard,β he says, βnow answer me.β
His tone annoys you, and you cross your arms. βAre you eavesdropping?β
βIβm going to ask you one more time,β he says, taking a step forward to you, βwho are those guys, and why are you here with them?β
You blink at him, furrowed brows relaxing slightly as you drop your crossed arms to your side, and you stare straight ahead at the blankness of the white t-shirt heβs wearing, as your mind runs blank to his question. Why were you here with them? Was it because you had no other plans? Was it because the opportunity sounded too good to be true, and you just had to see for yourself? Was it because youβve been unable to sleep at night from all the stress, the financial worries, the rejection, and you just want to finally feel like youβve done one good thing for yourself? To feel like youβre at least making one step in the right direction, no matter the cost?
βIβm here for a job interview,β you say to him. Your tone is flat, and you feel numb.
βA job interview?β he asks, with just about as much incredulity you wouldβve expected to hear from him at that answer, βAt a bar? How does that make any sense?β
βItβ¦β you start, βsounded fine.β
βIt sounds shady as fuck.β
βThis doesnβt concern you, okay? Iβmββ¦Iβm just trying to make my goals work for me, Satoru, and I really donβt expect you to understand.β
βWhy wouldnβt I understand?β he asks. Thereβs confusion in his voice, and maybe even a little bit of hurt.
βBecause you canβt even understand how unfair and painful it is for me that you keepββ you have to purse your lips together briefly to fight back the knot in your throat, ββ¦that you keep interfering with my life everywhere I go.β
His expression softens, and he silently stands in front of you for a moment. His eyes dart across your face, and then he reaches out to grab your hand. βListen, if you still want to get drinks tonight, then just get drinks with us. But donβt hang out with those guys. Theyβre bad news, especially the dude with the flannel, and I donβt think youβre in a good place right now to see that.β
Your eyes see white fury at that, and you all but snap. Because the irony of this whole situation, is that youβre not in a good place right now because of him. Because of all the pain that heβs put you through, for promising to stay away but then always being near, for saying he doesnβt want you but then acting like he does.Β
βYou know what I think, Satoru?β you ask through gritted teeth, yanking your hand from his grasp.
Heβs looking at you, studying. βWhat?β
You take a step forward, threateningly, and he takes a step back so that he steps off the curb and onto the road, and youβre at eye-level with him now. βI think that youβre jealous,β you say, eyes glaring daggers into his.
He blinks at you, almost dumbfounded for a moment before he says βwhat?β
βYouβre just fucking jealous that I seem to be moving on after you rejected me, because for some weird reason, you think itβs okay to not want me, and yet not want me to be with anyone else,β you say, practically hissing the words. βYou donβt like seeing me with any guys other than you? You donβt want to believe me when I say that Iβm over you? Youβre not sorry for kissing me? Even after knowing,β you take a pause to breathe, because you feel like you canβt, βeven after knowing that I like you,β eyes blinking fast because you donβt want him to see you cry right now, βyou know that I like you so fucking much, and that itβs hurtful, and that itβs wrongβ and even after all of that, you act the same, and still wonβt promise me any commitment of your own.β
Heβs looking at you with an expression you canβt read, but youβve lost all interest in trying to understand it anymore.
βYou donβt want me hanging out with them?β you repeat after him, βIβm not listening to that. Because itβs possessive. And itβs wrong.β
At the mention of them, Gojo clenches his jaw. βThat has nothing to do with you and me, right now. What theyβre trying to convince you of doesnβt make any sense, and it wonβt help you achieve your dreams either, y/n.β
βYou donβt know anything about my dreams, Satoru,β you say, just to hurt him. But you think about the sincere expression on his face the first time you met him when you told him that you wanted his help with your assignment. You think about the playful nudge of his elbow that night he stayed with you on the curb, and told you that you just had to try to put yourself out there, because you couldnβt accomplish anything without facing your fears. You think about how heβs always the first to like every single one of the slideshows you post of your pictures on Instagram. You think about the adoration in his eyes, reflected off the moonlight through the hotel window, when you told him about a little cottage on the countryside, one youβve always wanted, and those eyes told you that he was really rooting for you. βYou donβt know. Because youββ thereβs an echo of words in your head. Someone elseβs words, not yours, βBecause youβre a college athlete. Andββ you let out an exhale, βand you donβt pay tuition.β
His brow furrows. Thereβs a beat of silence as his confusion settles in. βWhat?β
βYou were born blessed with talent, and youβre popular, and people adore you, and you donβt have to worry about internships, or jumping from job to job just to make something of yourself,β you say, picturing your life in your head along with all the strife, βor about all of the sinking debt, and the worry, and theβ and the car repair bills,β you say, almost with a scoff, eyes sheening with tears, like youβre losing your mind, βall of the fucking car repair bills.β Your chest is heaving as you shake your head. βBecause youβre set for life as long as you kick a fucking ball.βΒ
His lips purse together, like he can tell thereβs more on your tongue to say, more hurtful words, and he wants to hear you say them. And so you do.
βYouβve never had to suffer or worry about a single thing in your life. So donβt pretend like you understand what Iβm trying to do here tonight,β you say, inflection signing off on the end, to tell him that youβre done.Β
He stands in front of you, practically motionless except for the slow movement of his chest as he breathes. His expression, tense and hurt, softens slowly, and you see him digging his nails into the skin of his palms through fidgeting clenched fists at his sides. And then he relaxes them, too.
βDoes that make you feel better?β he asks.
His question confuses you, and for some reason, regret washes over you. βWhat?β
βDoes thinking of me that wayββ¦does it make you feel better about all of this? Between us?β
Youβre breathing fast, eyebrows pinching upwards to look at him, and the defeated expression on his face makes your heart ache. Heβs waiting for an answer, and so you give him one. βYes.β
He glances down at the ground for a moment, then at your collarbone, before meeting your gaze again. βIβm sorry. For everything. And Iββ the words catch in his throat briefly, βIβll try to leave you alone tonight.β
His use of the word try doesnβt escape you, but you give him a furtive nod, and he studies your face for a few moments before he steps back up onto the curb and walks past you. You watch him walk all the way, no longer with that confidence or conviction youβre so used to seeing in him, as he steps back into his circle, to Getoβs side. Geto gives a small glance over his shoulder to look at you with discerning eyes before looking at Gojo again, and then heβs turned away from you.Β
Heavy feet drag you back to Kai, Ren, and Junichi, and you feel feverish. They mention something about the table being ready, and you nod. The bar is rustic, with more tables than barspace, and the four of you are seated and then presented with a small food menu. Youβre seated next to Kai, Ren is right across from you, and Junichi is to his right. You watch a waitress usher Nanami, Choso, Geto and Gojo to one of the tables as well, two away from yours, and you forcefully blur your vision so you donβt have to catch sight of the expression on Gojoβs face.
βSo,β Ren speaks up as his eyes peruse the food menu and Junichi waves the waitress over to order a round of sake, βtell me more about your experience, sweetheart.β
You blink at him, eyes feeling heavy, heart feeling heavy. βIβd prefer it if you called me by my name.β
Ren lets out a coo, and you briefly glance at Kai whoβs shaking his head with a sigh. βMy bad, y/n. Your experience?β
Your hands play with the folder sitting in your lap. βI started writing screenplays for small-scale directors when I was a freshman, and was greenlit on a couple into my sophomore year. One of the films I worked on, I had directing credits for, and it was nominated for best screenplay at Etoile Film Festival the year following.β
Ren swallows slightly, shifting in his chair and pushing his shoulders back, like heβs trying to establish himself now. Kai is clenching a fist on the surface of the table.
Ren clears his throat before speaking again. βWow, okay, so youβve actually got some serious shit going on.β His voice is a faux octave deeper. βWhat do you know about being a good assistant? Ever worked in customer service? Secretary?β
βOh, I mean I have worked in customer service, but I wasnβt done sharing about my experienceββ you try to say but Junichi cuts you off.
βFirst roundβs on me,β he declares, βfor bringing her out here.β He tips his chin to you and then sends Kai a glance.
A waitress brings by a bottle of sake, and Junichi begins pouring drinks into the glasses, then slides them across the table. Kai gives Ren a pointed look.Β
βDonβt get too wasted,β Kai says to him as he brings his glass to his lips, βyou start running that mouth of yours a little too much when you do.β
Ren grins at him and immediately knocks down the glass Junichi barely finished pouring from him in one go, and the gruff man beside him is grumbling. βWhatever you say.β
Something had been bothering you since you came here. βWait,β you say, pointing between Kai and Ren, βdo you two know each other already? Because,β you turn to look at Kai, βon the phone earlier, you sounded like you didnβt.β
Kaiβs eyebrows raise in surprise, as though heβs discovered you have some skill for foresight. You glance at Ren, and he gives Kai a puzzled look.
βUh, yeah. Iβve known Kai for years,β he says, βwe go way back. We went to highschool together.β
Kai shifts a little in his chair. βSorry. Probably forgot to mention it.β
You glance down at the glass of sake in front of you, and the way it twinkles under the lighting of the bar. You slowly bring it to your mouth, taking a small sip, and the way it coats your tongue is less than pleasing.Β
βCan you tell me more about the assistant position?β you ask Ren, whoβs emptied out the bottle of sake and waving someone over to order more. He already has a slightly flush to his face.
βYeah, yeah, will do,β he says, βbut first, let me tell you about what I do in visuals.β
Another round of sake is dropped by, and then another, followed by another, as Ren continues to ramble on and on about what he does for work, and how itβs entirely integral to the final piece of the film, although youβve never really had a terrible level of appreciation for visual effects in short-film craft, since itβs hardly much work. But you wouldnβt say that, you just continue to nurse your one glass of sake as the three men surrounding you knock back more and more, and thereβs slurs to their speeches now.
βSooo, Iβm so sorry, sweetheartβI mean y/n, for cuttinβ you off earlier,β he says, βbut what was that experience you wanted to talk to me about?β Ren asks from across the table, and his eyes are all traveling over you.
βIβ¦β you start, βwell, I started to work with one of my professors last year, sheβs a two-time Cannes Film Festival winner, and she let me under her wing for one of her projects last year.β
βWho is she? Oh wait, nevermind, probably wouldnβt have heard of her anyways,β Ren says, but when you fail to laugh, he waves his hand in the air. βJoking, joking. Whatβs her name?β
βNaoko. Naoko Ogigami.β
βOh shit. I have heard of her,β Ren says, followed by a shallow hiccup. Junichi shrugs his shoulders, and when you look at Kai, heβs nodding slowly and toying with the rim of his glass with a finger.
βYes. Well, anywaysββ you start up again, before Kai sets his glass of sake down particularly loud.
βThis is all bullshit. Really. I told you, filmmaking is a waste of time. Just focus on your photography, and your freelance or whatnot,β Kai says, grit to his jaw, face looking red with possibly something other than just a tipsiness.Β
Ren lets out a laugh. βFuckinβ Kai. What a pessimist. Donβt listen to him, sweetheart,β he says, slurred, and you furrow your brow at him with a glare, βsorry. Donβt listen to him. Trust me, youβll learn a lot under Mr. Ko. Heβs a suuuper nice guy.β
βWhatβs the compensation?β you ask. Itβs a brazen question, one youβd never ask so soon in a formal interview process, but this table was hardly anything formal.
βReal good. Mmm I think likeβ¦5200 yen an hour, and then also, you get your foot in the door.β
βOh,β you sit up a little in your chair. It was higher than most entry-level anything for undergraduates or even new grads.Β
βYeah, yeah, yeah,β he drawls when he sees youβre more interested. βGood stuff. Kai used to pick these kinds of jobs up, too, back in his college days. I remember. Although, heβs hardly Mr. Koβs type, so I doubt heβd be any good for this one.β
Your head snaps to Ren again at his words, face tensing.Β
βTell her about what a job like thisβhicβentails,β Ren says as he extends his glass out for Junichi to pour him another.
Kai glances at Ren once, and you watch him grind his teeth for a moment, and then thereβs a hint of a smirk on his face.
βOh. Yβknow, clerical work. Stuff like printing scripts out,β Kai starts, Junichi filling up his glass and then he raises it into the air to watch the liquid swish around, βgrabbing him coffee. Making sure his trailer is stocked.β
βBlowing him in said trailer,β Ren says. Itβs something quiet, under his breath with a small laugh, where you could barely hear it across the table. But you heard it nonetheless. And your heart sinks to the core of the earth.
βExcuse me?β you say. The benefit of doubt sitting on your shoulder, watching in disbelief as well.
βHeβs joking,β Kai says, quickly, βrunninβ his mouth.β
βOh fuck off, Kai,β Ren says, throwing his hands up in the air, βdonβt act like thatβs not why you brought her here.β
Your head slowly turns to Kai, who canβt meet your gaze. Your eyes flicker to Junichi, who looks amused.Β
Ren leans over the table, elbows resting on top, to look you straight in the eyes. Heβs got a sleazy smile, and you can smell the alcohol on his breath, and he dips his tone down low enough to where you can hardly hear it over the sounds surrounding you in the bar. βThatβs how youβll make it in this industry, sweetheart. Whether you like it or not, youβll be working under those directors until you make it.β
You stand up so fast that your chair falls behind you, hand raised in the air, and you swiftly slap the man across from you so hard across the cheek that it leaves his skin even more red than the flush from before, and your palm is stinging.Β
Thereβs gasps all around the bar, hushed voices, eyes on you, but you donβt care. Thereβs not a single thing in the world you care more about right now than the anger swelled in your chest.
Ren holds his cheek, surprised, blinking like a pathetic animal. He almost looks like heβs about to cry, and you let out a scoff at the sight.
You turn to face Kai, whose eyes are wide and heβs staring up at you. Your fists are clenched at your side.
βIs this why you brought me here tonight?β you ask. Your voice is trembling, anxiety at the wake, the white anger spotting your vision. But thereβs also pain. So much pain, and youβre just so fed up with all of it. βBecause your belittling, condescending words werenβt enough to tear my hopes apart, so you had to humiliate me in front of your friends instead?β
Kai holds his hand up. βWoah, Canon, relax. He was just jokingββ¦β Kai glances at Ren, whoβs still holding his cheek and biting down on his lip, and then his gaze hardens. βYβknow what? Itβs about fucking time you get this wake-up call, y/n. Iβve been trying to do the nice thing to steer you in the right direction, and the least you couldββ
βSteer me in the right fucking direction?!β youβre yelling now, registering the way your voice echoes in the bar. βYou know what I think this is all about, Kai?β You grit your teeth, βYouβre a sick, stupid, sexist fuck who didnβt have the balls to go after what he wanted. So miserably pathetic that youβve got no other fucking business than to pull people down to your level.β
Kai pinches his eyebrows together, hand on the table clenching into a fist.Β
You lean down closer, an exasperated scoff leaving your lips. βWhy donβt you go be his assistant instead? Since Iβm sure youβre good at taking it up the ass.β
Kaiβs eyes twitch, βyou fuckingββ
You grab his glass off the table and throw the alcohol into his face, eliciting another round of noises around the bar, and his mouth falls agape in shock before he gets up out of his chair, hand reaching out to grab for you. You close your eyes shut with a flinch to expect pain. Any sort of pain. But you donβt feel anything at all.
When you open your eyes, you see Gojo standing to your left, veins of his arm tense with the tight grip he has on Kaiβs forearm, and you can see heβs practically shaking with rage. He steps in front of you, guarding, and you canβt see the expression on his face, but the fear in Kaiβs eyes is enough to say it all.
βThatβs enough,β he says, the clench of his jaw evident through the strain in his voice, βtry to put your hands on her again, and Iβll split your fucking face in half.β
You can see Kaiβs breathing pick up from where youβre peering over Gojoβs shoulder, and then Gojo shoves him backwards right as Choso kicks the fallen chair to his feet so he trips over it backwards then hits the ground with a loud and indignant thud.
Gojoβs hovering over Kai, his hands shoved in his pockets as he glares down at him, while Geto and Nanami put space between you and the other two men at your table. You feel a searing flush to your cheeks. Youβre breathing fast, the peering eyes all around you are searing, looking at you with surprise, confusion, shock, and pity. Your mind is racing, and you wonder what your parents would think of all this. What your friends would think of all of this. What the people who support you would think of the fucked up situation youβve found yourself in, and the humiliation courses so deep through your veins that you just want to run away and hide. The ground could swallow you whole right now, and it still wouldnβt be enough.
You take one step back, then another, before you turn on your heel to rush out the door into the night, and you barely register that itβs raining. You can feel your heart thumping fast in your chest and in your head, that familiar knot in your throat twisting tight as you walk fast down the street and ignore Gojoβs call of your name from behind you.
You donβt want to see anyone right now. You donβt want to be seen by anyone right now. Especially Gojo, of all people, because he was right about everything, and the fact that you had shut him down about it, and the way that you had shut him down about it makes your head numb and your breathing pick up fast.
βy/n,β you hear him call out from behind you, his pace is getting faster and so youβre resorting to longer strides as well, puddles of water splashing under your feet with every step, βjust waitββ
βIβm seriously,β you start, and the tears begin to fall, βIβm seriously so, so, so, so, so fucking embarassed right now,β you gasp out the words with no air left in your lungs to breathe as you continue to run away from him, βso please, just leave me alone.β
You can picture it all in your head. Something like I told you so from his lips, because after what youβve been put through tonight, you just want to assume the worst in people.
But just as you round the corner into an alley, feeling lost with the sight of a dead end, you feel a hand wrap around your arm and then youβre being pulled into an embrace.
Your eyes are blinking with tears streaming, your face buried in a chest that is warm, with a heart beating so fast that itβs keeping time with your own, and the fragrance that surrounds you is so painfully him that it makes you sob even more.
Strong arms wrap around you, pulling you closer, and Gojo rests his chin at the top of your head. βIβm sorry,β he says softly, and you can feel the rumble of his voice, βI just needed to stop you from running.β
Your arms are weakly raised, an outline over his torso but not yet grabbing on, until you hesitantly do. And when you hold onto him, itβs so tight and strong, and you realize that after everything between the two of you, itβs the first time youβve been wrapped in his arms.
βI feel so stupid,β you start, already hating the words because you want to be stronger right now, but you canβt.
βYouβre not stupid,β he quickly corrects you, βthose guys are fucking insecure losers. Youβre just trying your best. You always have, for as long as Iβve known you, and itβs something you should be proud of yourself for.β
You donβt know what to say to him, you just cling to the damp fabric of his shirt in the rain. Β
βThings are going to work out for you, no matter what, because I know youβve got what it takes and youβre willing to work hard for it,β he says, his chin nuzzling so youβre tucked into him even further, βand if things donβt work out, thatβs okay, youβre strong and youβll always get back up. And I want to be there to help you through everything.β
You pull your face from his chest to stare up at him, droplets of rain falling to your face and making you flinch occasionally. βIβm confused.β
His hand comes up to cup your face, swiping at a tear on your cheek, or maybe it was rain. βI thought thatββ he starts, his thumb briefly running over the small cut still healing on your cheek, his brow furrowing, βI thought that Iβd be okay with watching your life from afar, through cropped pictures on a screen,β he says, a chill running through you, βbut I canβt. Itβs killing me. And Iβm really sorry that it took me this long to tell you this, but I like you so much and I really want to be with you.β
Your eyes widen at his words, and you donβt know how to feel. You push your face into his chest again. His thumb runs circles at your side through the dampness of your shirt.
βThere are a lot of reasons I didnβt feel like I could date you, or show up for you,β he says, βbut the pain of not getting to be with you, of not getting to hold you, and just share my life with you is way worse than whatever reasons I kept trying to convince myself of.β
You nod slowly, because there was a part of you deep inside that knew that all along.Β
His grip on you relaxes slightly and you take that as a request from him for you to look up at him, so you do. βI know Iβve put you through a lot of pain, and Iβm really not a perfect person, but if thereβs room in your heart to forgive me, I promise you that Iβll do everything I can to make you feel happy and cared for.β
Your eyes study his face for sincerity. Theyβre words youβve been wanting to hear, words you couldβve pictured in your head, but the adoration in his eyes makes you realize you never couldβve imagined the true sweetness of those words when theyβre said from him.
You press your cheek to his chest again. Youβre not crying anymore. βIβm sorry for what I said to you earlier. About kicking a soccer ball, and having it easy,β you bite down on your lip, because now thereβs tears in your eyes again, βI didnβt mean it.β You sniffle a little, βI know you work hard. And it was a really mean thing to say.β
He sighs, holding you flush to himself. His cheek presses against the top of your head. βThatβs okay, you donβt have to apologize for that.β
βBut I do.β
There was no grudge at all. There was nothing withdrawn from you, nothing taken away as punishment. He just held onto you, exactly as you are, and you felt so safe in every second you spent in his arms.
You look up at him again. His hair is damp, strands clinging to his face in all the places they usually fall over, droplets of rain falling from his fringe onto your face and he does everything he can to wipe them away. βItβs too late,β you tell him, and he immediately knows what youβre referring to.
He just holds you closer. βI know.β
βI donβt have feelings for you anymore,β you say through a sniffle.
He knows youβre lying, and that you say it just out of spite, but he holds your head to his chest. βI know.β
βYouβll have to beg and grovel, and even then, I might not like you ever again,β you say, gripping so tightly onto his shirt for purchase, your voice sounding muffled as you breathe in the scent of him. βThatβs your punishment.β
He presses a kiss to the top of your head. A firm press of his lips, lasting as he takes a few deep breaths. And then he kisses the same spot again, staying still in that position as he repeats himself.
pls remember to reblog if you like any of my recs, luv you and thank you in advanceβ€οΈ
WHY ARE ALL OF THEM SO FUCKING GOOD????????! pls tRUST me
gojo
gojo eating you out
gojo x dacryphilia
gojo loves fat pussy
sending gojo an accidental nude so he sends you a whole video
car sex with gojo
gojo being goofy in an elevator full of people - heΒ΄s big on PDA
gojo tried to give himself a haircut and now wants to go bald - this is fuNNY ksksks, I love the banter
trying to break up with yandere!gojo - yep, weΒ΄re talkin about lovesick toxic obsessed type of gojo, break up????? you know better than to tell him that sooo since youΒ΄re acting dUMB he has to fucc so sense into you bc clearly you forgot who tf ur talking to - LDKJSDFJDJFHLSHFLSHDF but heΒ΄s not rough bc he luvss you a lot
gojo is the pussy fairy - fwb, heΒ΄s your sneaky link when henessy makes you act up. he got a mf tongue piercing bYEE
insecure bully!gojo - angst, lil fluff, heΒ΄s a bully but heΒ΄s in love with that, but itΒ΄s not enough. part 2
the horniest - smut, ITS SO GOOOOOOOOOOOOODDDDDD, heΒ΄s horny af, pussy drunk, obsessed, borderline crazy for that wap
phone calls - slice of life, hubby!gojo, dilf!gojo, his wife and his daughter are his only priority, this is so sdkfjskdjfh :Β΄( i love it
cherished moments - clanleader!gojo, hubby!gojo who is a softy for his wife, #simp
family moments - fluff, slice of life, this is so wholesomeee, bf!gojo meeting your parents for the first time, i love it
someone older - smut, rich dilf!gojo, big age gap, big dicc too, talks big shit as well, "what do you do when your boyfriend cheats? you go to his house and fuck his dad" I MEAN- skdfhksdf
best of the best - smut, fwb! satoru, big sHIT talker omg, he lit asks you to be his gf wHILE heΒ΄s making you cum,,,,,best bf ever tho
love struck - fluffy, ex-fuckboy!satoru, heΒ΄s experiencing love for the first time :((((( ITΒ΄S SO CUTEEEEEEEEEE
love dumb - fluff, blurb, you make him lose his composure, canΒ΄t even focus bc youΒ΄re over there existing, someone should make a longer version of this! so good
too much - ANGSTTTYYYY, fluff too, reader and gojo are in a situationship kinda thing where they live together and love each other but nothing has been said yet, they get into an argument bc gojo has a big mouth and says a lot of hurtful things, theyΒ΄re both just so exhausted
i know you still think about the times we had - angst, fluff, rich bf!gojo, his father makes you break up with him, itΒ΄s so angsty omg, they get into this HUGE argument bc gojoΒ΄s dad is a controlling mf
sanctuary - fluff, lowkey angst, weak!reader, bully!gojo, nah heΒ΄s just in love but doesnΒ΄t know how to say it
the road to falling in love - fluff, strangers to lovers, itΒ΄s a collection o moments where keeps falling harder for you, I LOVE ITTTTT, sdkfjhskdjf itΒ΄s kinda slow burn but not boring at all
loving you - fluffy af, "youβre the apple of his eyes; the love of his life. the only one who matters" ME N WHO???? pls this made my want to cry my heart out
yuji finds out gojo has a family - fluff, lowkey angst, hubby!gojo, dad!gojo, so,,, this made me cry, i love yuji sm he deserves the world :( this is part two and it also made me crY MY MF EYES OUT :))))))))
iΒ΄ll meet you forever in this memory - fluff, college au, married life au, itΒ΄s so good, he lit has this big ass plan to make you fall for him, and i mean big, like planned way ahead lmao, 10 years later heΒ΄s still asking you to go out with him,,,,even if youΒ΄re already married sdlfkjkdfhlsdjh so so cute
canΒ΄t stop drinking - ANGST, death, blood, dad!gojo, husband!gojo, mentions of wanting to die, a curse kills you and your son allegedly but in reality the elders had lied to him all these years, part 2 made me fucking cry, PLEASEEE I NEED PART 3
hype man - crack, fluff, supportive bf!gojo, heΒ΄s such an amazing bf :(, βdamn, my girl ran you over with a bus, reversed, then got out and shot you twice in the foot? what did you do?? sounds like a you issue.β LMAOOOOO this is so cute and funny at the same time, i love it, such a gojo thing to say
flicker of flame - fluff, nervous soon to be dad!gojo, pregnant!reader, heΒ΄s going to be the best dad ever
nanami
when you break up and make up - nanami divorce au, angst
dorm room escapades - smut, dadΒ΄s bestfriend!nanami, age gap, GAWWDD DAMNNNN, daddy kink, this is some good stuff
you ask him to fuck you like a whore - its a short one but me likey
nanami drabbles - pwp, pls yall readdd part 2 and part 3
nanami is strong af - short blurb, smut, sdflksjd this got me giggling and shii
fifteen minutes - βSay that again. Louder. Canβt hear shit with the sound of my dick slapping into your cunt.β thatΒ΄s all I have to say, your honor
protective - headcanon, hubby!kento, i love thissss
swear itΒ΄s just right for you - smut, fluff, hubby!nanami, IΒ΄m weaaaak, heΒ΄s so husband material
stressed after work - boyfriend! kento, a cute lil drabble bc he loves your mere presence
labour of love - fluff, vanilla smut, lowkey angst if youΒ΄ve been keeping up with the manga/anime, loving hubby!kento, SO DOMESTIC, love making, :(
losing his mind - smut, dom!reader, hubby!kento, sub!kento, overstimulation, multiple orgasms, WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEW, 10000/10, now this is new
my future is with you - fluff, unexpected angst, this is SICKKKKKKK, the last senteces is fucking sickening, and NOT in a good way, so fucking wrong for that, I litteraly wanna dIE
tie my tie, marry me - fluff, slice of life, "the moment nanami knew he never wanted to tie his tie by himself ever again and wanted to spend the rest of his life by your side" please just do yourself a favor and READ THIS
putting you in your place - smut, reader is gojoΒ΄s brat little sister, mean!nanami, BRAT TAMER!NANAMI, HEAVY degradation, βMaybe this was your fucking goal all along. To have me ruin you on my cock and fuck the attitude out of you.β CALL 911
edging - smut, pwp, fluff, this,,,,this is one the BEST nanami smuts out there, i just know the description of the whole thing is 100% accurate, the details, the way this is written, the visuaLSsss ldskjfhjsalfh go read it pls
married man - fluff, work au, HE IS A PROUD HUSBAND OK, the man was just waiting for somebody to say sOMETHING sljsdhfl now he canΒ΄t stop bragging about his perfect wife
toji
toji x size kink
toji x pussy spanking Β΄till youΒ΄re squirting - the title says it all,,, heΒ΄s MEAN
toji doing push ups with you on his back - youΒ΄re basically a rag doll,,,bc wdym he puts you in a fULL NELSON??
toji gets embarrased - the man WHIMPERED bc the riding was gewdd so reader kinda teases him for it, how dare she right? so now he has to make her pAY bc he aint no bitch
silk sheets n sticky cum - toji canΒ΄t control himself when he sees you in a nightgown so he uses you as a cum dump,,, in a very romantic way flsjdflkssldfjlsdfh, breeding kink
toji x overstimulation - fINALLY he got what he deserved, reader got him WHIMPERING, body shaking eyes rolling to the back of his head and everythangggg, I'm here for it.
take it lil princess - toji got me fucked up, straight up size kink like FRRRR he wants to break, bend and basically snap you in half (iΒ΄ll let him tbh), daddy kink, he got a big dicc as aLWAYS, the degRADING DIRTY TALKKK???? yes. he talks and talks and tALKS. thereΒ΄s a lot going on yall
mine - toji mixed with monster!porn,,, nothing else to say- HEΒ΄S A WEREWOLfff, mean asf, breeding kink, daddy kink, size kink, itΒ΄s nasty
jealous daddy - slice of life, dilf!toji, megumi is a baby, toji and megumi create a plan to keep you away from megumiΒ΄s kindergarden teacher lmaooo, its so cute
nyphomaniac - smut, nypho!reader, dom!toji, THEREΒ΄S A WHOLE LOTTA STUFF GOING ON HEREE, just read it omg
family man - fluff, soft dad!toji, baby megumi, husband!toji, heΒ΄s a softie for his son and his wife ;(
unprecedented reveal - smut, fluff, mma!toji, journalist!reader, lowkey angst, "photo leaks of toji going down on you in public is suddenly exposed for everyone to know about the infamous fighters girlfriend" wELL dssdfh thatΒ΄ll do it
will always be yours - smut, fluff, so basically toji only does rough sex, doggy style being his fav, but when it comes to you he prefers the loving-face to face-intense eye contanct type of sex (more like love making) bc being with you makes him feel ten different emotions at once :) DΓFLJSLDFJ
unspoken memories - fluff, lowkey angst, dad!toji, baby!megumi, married life, my heart is so full after reading this, itΒ΄s so domestic, so adorable, such a happy read
make a mess on his face - smut, toji is a messy pussy eater, thatΒ΄s it, thatΒ΄s the tweet
geto
gimme, gimme more - rich!geto x stripper!reader, lots of plot and build up, he is misteriousssss and fucking filthy and so cuTE??????? wtf, the wating game is real, he knows how to play his cards very well, LAWDD HAVE MERCY i would have folded too
gripping the headboard with one hand - smut, βwhat a slut.β hELP
focus - suggestive, flirty!geto, tutor!geto, βyouβre doing so good for meβ¦ keep going.β I HATE ITTTTTTTT, i would fold like a mf lawn chair bitch OOF
dress shopping - very suggestive, WHY IS HE SO SMOOTH WITH IT ALL THE TIME??? got me blushing and sweating and shit
phoque - crack, teacher!suguru, twin girls dad!suguru, he accidentally curses in front of his daughters and now heΒ΄s gotta make up some bullshit story to save his ass, SLFHSLDKJHSLDH this is funny
choso
picture perfect - smut, photographer choso, heΒ΄s lowkey a perv, jacks off to ocΒ΄s pictures
suckig souls - smut, succubus oc, somnophilia, sub! choso, lil dacryphilia, love love love love it
meanie - smut, mean!choso, βWhy you actinβ like some dick-starved whore? I fucked you good this morning" THE WAY I SCREAMEDDDDDDDD βIs that what you needed, princess? Some good dick?" STOOOOOOOOOPPPP
your pleasure - smut, squirting, choso discovers the magic of eating pussy :))))) aND heΒ΄s a fucking natural too like ???? gTFO
itΒ΄s too much - smut, dom!reader, inexperienced!choso and sub!chose fics are like crack to me, iΒ΄m obsessed, this is so detailed, he is eager to please sdlfjls and wants to try it all at once
fingers in his hair - smut, chose loves having his hair pulled when heΒ΄s eating pussy,,,,,,,CALL A MF AMBULANCE a bitch just died
cherry blossoms - smut, virgin!choso, phone sex, itΒ΄s his first orgasm yall, not yuji talking about a "sloppy toppy" LSJFHLSJDFHLFDH heΒ΄s so outta pocket
sukuna
itadori
vivid fantasies - smut, sukuna wants to bone you and he makes it yujiβs problem sakfhkshfksfd poor yuji
poly / multiple versions
gojo and geto are rich besties and they coax you into a poly relationship - smut
you slap their ass - reaction. gojo, geto, sukuna, nanami, choso, toji, megumi, itadori, yuta
too much for them to handle - toji and gojo version. itΒ΄s a LOT going here as well. gojo is a whole swiTCH. toji is a bully in the sheets so you know heΒ΄s all abou that degrading teasing dirty talk, we love it
slut him out - gojo, geto, nanami and toji version. y'know what,,,idek what to say about thi- ITΒ΄S NASTY FILTHY JUST PORN, reader is a whOre (not my words), read at your own risk bc i was SHOOk
how jjk men like it - smut, the gojo and toji one,,, i HATe it hereee
bimbo bunny - smut, choso, toji and nanami version, the vISUALs I GOT FROM THE NANAMI ONE LAWDDDD
birthday boy - smut, birthday sex, dacryphilia, i just KNOWWWW this is geto
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[Summary] In the halls of their college, Sukuna which is known to be "The evil twin" finds himself inexplicably drawn to his twin friend, Y/N who embodies innocence and purity. He is well aware of his reputation and is taken aback by the unfamiliar emotions stirring within him. Would he be able to wrestle his own inner demons and blossom love for someone he never thought he could care about?
[Warnings] In this AU Sukuna and Yuji are twins. All characters are 18+, occasionally contains strong language, there's SMUT or mentions of it on some (majority) of the chapters, fights, blood, angst, fluffβ¦you name it. If I am missing any other type of warning, please let me know!
summary: after getting kicked to the curb by gojo satoru, you want to give him a taste of his own medicine. the answer? ryomen sukuna. but you get more than you bargained for when you get entangled in both familyβs messes.
content warnings: angst + fluff + smut (MDNI), modern au, fake dating, toxic relationships (and families), mentions of abuse/suicide/death, everyone in this story is petty in their own way (and i mean very petty), sukuna is mostly a dick (so is gojo), toji is a bad father, everyone here is bad at feelings (sorry!), manipulating/gaslighting, alcohol/cigarettes will be commonly mentioned & included, certain degree of elitism, beware my horrible planning skills + more to be revealed as the chapters go along.
status: ongoing! (click here if you want to read on ao3)
-> flip the pages:
01. prologue: the calm before the storm
02. chapter one: the enemy of my enemy is my (boy)friend
03. chapter two: barking up the wrong zenin tree
04. chapter three: keeping up (fake) appearances
05. chapter four: the monument to all your sins
06. chapter five: two sides to the same coin
07. chapter six: and thatβs where love finds you, in the tragedies
08. chapter seven: where thereβs smoke, thereβs fire (and disaster)
09. chapter eight: two can keep a secret
10. chapter nine: the devil is in the details
11. chapter ten: bound
12. chapter eleven: be careful what you wish for
13. chapter twelve: there are no good people here
++ more to be updated!
+ notes: please rememberβnot everything is accurate to real-life situations & all things that happen here are fictional. sukuna doesnβt have tattoos on his face here, just his body and theyβre not the same as the manga/anime. titles for unreleased chapters might change because iβm indecisive. related asks are under the tag #series: misbehaving
β tags: enemies to lovers, arranged & forced marriage, one sided pining, forced proximity, eventual romance, female reader, reader is an attorney, reader is from liyue, reader has an electro vision
β warnings: graphic description of injury, reader hates everyone but the melusines, reader is really outspoken.
β sum:
βBecause to love me is embedded glass and you are a fool if you have done so monsieur.β
Tagging: @wyvernslovecake @averysmolbear @oxygenbefore1775 @humanitys-strongest-bamf @chaotic-on-main @youre-ackermine @mobolanz @bita-bita @satorizz @marleysfinest @nube55 @stoned-eren and anyone who would like to join! :)
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Honestly can't find any other good armin series or fics do you have any recs or faves in mind? I'm literally armin starved tβt
oh anon you asked the right person. also sorry for the long ass list...i could name some more so lmk if you want more recs. i have more faves in my head but i'm afraid this is already too long lol.