mira

Not all wishes come true whether your wish was upon a star, or a candle you see once every year.

Tags: Angst, Hurt No Comfort, Tragic Romance, Best friends to Lovers, Miscommunication, Hanahaki!AU

Warnings: Vomiting, Blood and Gore, Graphic Descriptions of Illness, Implied/Referenced Suicide, References to Depression

Word count: 6k

AO3: Melt My Heart

Julia Lazarrett’s every inhale and exhale felt like torture; her chest tightened until the taste of blood and petals flooded her tongue. Her hand pressed to her ribs, searching for relief that would never come. The agony was constant and poisoned her mind. Immortality began to appear more like a curse rather than a blessing. Not that she asked for it. When it came to wishes at 11:11, shooting stars, and all other "wish-granting" superstitions, she was incredulous, but she prayed that she was wrong when she blew out the candles atop her cake.

——

Beautiful petals covered the floor, all from varying flowers. At first, it was small. Julia found herself coughing up cherry blossom petals, which were easy to ignore. They were delicate and fleeting.

Then it escalated in size and frequency. Some nights, Julia would wake up gripping her chest, coughing raspily. The tightness had her sucking in greedy gasps of air each time. Every passing second, it felt like her chest was moments from exploding. Roses came out of her mouth, sometimes red, sometimes white, but always coated in blood.

Before, roses were a simple beauty she saw every now and then. A smile crept onto her face at their loveliness. They once reminded her of love and passion, a gift of appreciation. But now, they were only a cruel reminder of what was happening to her. Her lungs and throat were scratched each time she coughed or simply took a breath; the pain was sharp and excruciating. Each day, the delicate lining of her lungs was torn up.

The pure white roses that represented new beginnings had minuscule dry patches and carried a strong metallic scent. They were always so deeply soaked that one could easily forget they existed, that the bunch wasn't singly red.

The first time she coughed up the papery pink petals was after she left a deep, middle-of-the-night conversation with Sahed.

That night, the circus stopped in another rural town; the two sat atop a lush green hill, the perfect spot to admire the stars twinkling in the onyx night. Only the sound of the gentle wind and flowing water in the distance was audible, aside from Julia and Sahed. They weren't talking about anything important, because they never lingered on a topic for too long. All that was left was simple small talk, because by now they had already discussed every deep topic: their fears, their past, and their hopes.

Except for one.

Shifting her weight, she glanced at him and almost smiled. Almost. The one question she never knew the answer to was hanging heavy in her heart.

When Sahed caught her staring, he asked, “What’s on your mind?” His eyes were on hers, a warm glow radiating off of them.

“I just wanted to ask, have you been…”

His ears pricked up, and he leaned closer. “Have I been…?”

Her heart jumped at the sudden proximity, and her face flushed. The words stumbled off her tongue, “Have you been…thinking of anyone, as of late? …Anyone persistently occupying your thoughts?”

If her cheeks weren’t completely burning in embarrassment before, they were now. It was just as hard to ignore as her beating heart. Anticipation raced through her body as she averted her gaze suddenly.

“Occupying my thoughts? … in what way?” His smile tugged to one side of his mouth, as if he was teasing her. Whatever intention he tried to bring across, it did not land, as Julia only felt even more panicked than before.

“Never mind!” she stammered as she rose to her feet.

“Wait, just tell me!” He continued to feign ignorance.

Julia looked back at him with crimson cheeks, revealing her shame. “I’m tired and going to bed. Good night!” She couldn’t feign nonchalance if she tried, as she ran back to the circus. Her mind reeled with endless questions and plenty of anxiety. Was he really that oblivious, or did he just not want to tell me? Given how long Sahed had been alive, Julia figured there was no way he was that dense. Unfortunately, she couldn’t rule out whether he was dodging the question on purpose; after all, the two had never ventured into the territory of romance. If he really did understand what she was trying to say and simply did not feel the same way, she wished he were kind enough to be cruel about it.

When Julia and Sahed first met, they weren’t exactly fond of each other. She immediately judged him for being an Ah’kon the moment she saw his third eye, and he figured she was like every other goody two-shoe Kalgratt. They completely contrasted each other.

She found him too sly and snarky. He found her too prejudiced.

After scheming, spending time together, learning to trust one another, and even assisting each other, they grew close. It started with their shared goal to kill Anthonn, becoming partners in crime. Then they became friends. From that moment on, conversations went beyond learning seals and the secret of the circus. She learned about where his distrust originated from and why he was so evasive. The night he opened up about his childhood at the research center, she felt so sorry for him that she was brought to tears.

When the soldiers from Aspett came and held Julia hostage, he was worried sick about her. It was his fault that she was in danger. He had yelled at the soldiers to unhand Julia; his blood spiked at seeing her handled so roughly. His booming “Leave her alone!” and “I’ll kill you!” were what made them realize she was his weakness. His “protection” only made her a target. He’d never felt so guilty and so uneasy that it made him feel physically ill. When Julia came back to him mostly unharmed, he felt a relief he couldn't put into words. If Amalia had gouged her eyes out as she threatened, he wasn’t sure he’d know what to do with himself.

Julia was the only one in the circus with no real choice in her contract and limited time. All she wanted to do was get her best friend back. Instead, she got run over, entered the spirit world, was pressured to kill the ringleader, was given a year left to live if she didn’t kill him, and joined the said circus of immortals, to which her soul would eternally be attached — all in one day. It was incredibly difficult and terrifying to take in. She didn’t even get the chance to say bye to her dad or tell him where she really went. After all the years he raised her with love and care, she didn't get to properly tell him a thing.

When Sahed found out about her contract, he promised to help her extend it. At the same time, his real motive was killing Anthonn. Regardless, after endless research, shared struggles, and racing against time, Sahed found a solution. He found a way to extend her life contract, though it was without killing Anthonn. Their friendship only continued to take off from then on, but there was once a time when neither of them felt like they truly belonged with the troupe. Now they had each other to lean on, to push one another out of their comfort zone, and to share their accomplishments.

After all the time they spent together, Julia developed feelings she didn’t recognize. Suddenly, Sahed was the cause of her euphoria. When he was near, she felt a rush of nervous excitement. She craved his presence, but blamed that feeling on all the time they spent apart. Following the whole hostage situation, she and Sahed caught up almost immediately. They exchanged words like “Are you okay?” and “I’m so glad you’re alright.” Ever since then, it was as if they were attached at the hip. Not that she minded, because being with him made her feel like she was in Utopia.

Then came the moment she realized what her feelings for Sahed truly were. Romantic daydreams came. She dreamed about doing mundane tasks with him, comforting one another after a rough day, and even kissing him.

Like Sahed, Kamille was her best friend, just as reliable and caring. Truthfully, they were even closer, given that they've known each other since childhood. Nevertheless, there wasn't as much overthinking regarding Kamille. With Sahed, she typically replayed a conversation they shared hours later as she lay in bed. It was usually full of “Did I say the right thing?” and “Oh, he must think I’m so weird now!” The rare times she replayed conversations with Kamille, Julia was trying to figure out if she said something to upset her. Sahed was on her mind just because. He didn't need a particular reason.

The thought of him not reciprocating her feelings, even though she felt this strongly about him, made her heart sink. Furthermore, the thought of him telling her to her face, “I don’t like you like that,” stung. What if she ruined their friendship? She couldn't risk it, not when she held it so close to her heart.

It was just another crowded party at the circus after a full day of performing. For Julia, the world was colorful and dizzying. She felt like she was floating on a cloud and completely relaxed, unlike her usual self. Standing just a few feet away was Sahed, and he looked even more radiant under the bright lights. “Has he always been this handsome?” she thought to herself.

“Sahed!” she called over excitedly, to which he raised a brow. He took in how her face was flushed red and had a dazed look in her eyes.

“You never learn, do you?” he mumbled as he walked over, a flicker of a smile crossed his face.

Julia hummed and flashed him a dumb smile.

“You’re such a lightweight. Seriously, control your liquor.”

“I’m just having fun,” she slurred and stumbled towards him, falling into his arms.

He froze the moment he caught her, his eyes wide. For once, he was the one rendered speechless. The first thing he noticed was her warmth, and his hold on her tightened without him thinking.

“Your eyes are shooo pretty…” Julia giggled. She began to lean in closer without thinking. The sweet smell of her perfume swept over him; it was as intoxicating as the drinks. His heart hammered against his ribs so fast that it felt impossible to think or breathe. He didn’t miss the way her azure eyes were locked on his face. “And your lips—”

Sahed suddenly pulled away and shook her lightly, his cheeks burning up. “Julia, come on, snap out of it. You’re not thinking clearly.” She had him completely flustered. There was a saying that looped in his mind.

“Drunk words are sober thoughts.”

“…No, forget it.”

The idea of there being some truth in her words made his head spin. As endearing as she was drunk, she had this annoyingly powerful effect on him, whether that was helping him loosen up or making him feel shy. After dragging her away from the crowd, Sahed stayed by her side. It was like a routine. He’d lost count of how many times she’d gone and gotten drunk, and he came to watch over her. Carefully, he rolled her into a recovery position and supported her head.

“You really can’t say things like that. I’ll get the wrong idea…” he murmured as he monitored her breathing.

Unexpectedly, she let out a raspy cough. A soft pink petal came out of her mouth. Sahed was momentarily bewildered. “It must’ve been in the drinks.”

The next day, Julia groaned in annoyance the moment the sunlight hit her eyes. It felt brighter than usual. Her mouth felt stale, and her body ached. As the memories of the night before replayed, she felt deep regret and panic set in. Of all things to remember, she remembered how she looked him dead in the eye and went on about how much she liked his features with the biggest smile on her face. If she didn’t feel the need to vomit with her nasty hangover, she felt the need to vomit with how mortified she was. She wasn’t sure how she was going to face him at breakfast.

But she did. The moment she sat down sluggishly at the table, a glass of water was set in front of her. “Drink up, you need it,” Sahed said. He resembled a stern parent with the words, “What did I tell you?” on the tip of his tongue. She muttered her thanks and took a sip, soothing her scratchy throat. Just as he was about to walk away, she called out to him.

“Sahed?”

He stopped in his tracks and turned to look at her; his eyes unreadable. “Yeah?”

“I’m really sorry about last night!” she blurted out. Everyone around suddenly looked her way, and shame crawled up her face. “About what I said…” she clarified in a lower voice. “I didn’t mean—”

He broke into laughter, cutting her off mid-sentence. “Julia, it’s okay. In fact, I thought it was kind of cute.”

Her jaw dropped in surprise. He thought it was cute? Before she could say a word, he was gone.

Luckily, she wasn’t left alone long. On cue, Kamille came over and took a seat beside her. “Good morning, Julia,” she greeted.

“Good morning, Kamille.”

She cocked her head, a skeptical expression on her face. “What was that all about?”

“What was what?”

“That. There’s something going on between you two. You’re holding something back, I can tell. Aren’t I your best friend?” She crossed her arms.

“You are.”

“So, fess up. What’s going on with you two?”

She couldn’t hide the truth anymore. There was no point anyway. Julia went on to tell her about her crush on Sahed and how she had embarrassed herself the night before. After listening carefully, Kamille couldn’t resist laughing.

“You’re unbelievable!” she said between laughs.

“It's not that funny.” Julia drawled, staring at the teary-eyed Kamille.

Finally, she relaxed, taking in a sharp breath, her chest still heaving. “Sorry, Julia, but you have to admit it’s at least a little bit funny. I can't believe you really said that!”

“Ugh, I don't know how I’m going to face him now! That night on the hill was bad enough,” she groaned.

“You’re overreacting. He wouldn’t act like that if he didn’t like you.”

As much as Julia wanted to believe her, doubt lingered.

Over the following few months, Julia became increasingly lightheaded and pale. Everyone was worried, but no one understood. Many of the members had lived for hundreds of years, yet none were exactly knowledgeable about what was happening. The petals she was coughing up before were odd, but now they were full roses.

“Have you been eating?” Rainah asked, undisguised concern written all over her face as she took a seat beside her.

Julia spared her a glance and nodded, but Rainah didn’t believe her for a second. If anyone knew the signs of a slow death and lack of appetite, it was her. She had watched the same story play out before, and the ending was far from pleasant.

It was like watching sand slowly fall to the bottom of an hourglass all over again. The dress Julia wore was oddly spacious in places it wasn't before; discomfort lingered in her eyes, no matter how hard she tried to mask it, and she moved as if she were a tortoise despite her youth. Overall, she looked awfully weak, as if she would pass out on the floor any moment.

Julia Lazarrett hardly resembled the girl she was before. Instead, she began to resemble a walking corpse, just as Eithra did.

It wouldn’t be long until she, too, begged the ringleader to end her life.

Julia was often checked on, whether it was by the other members or the medics. However, each medic told her the same thing: flowers were taking over her lungs and had begun to cause internal bleeding. Still, none could confirm the origin of her illness, and none had a real solution.

She knew it wouldn't kill her; it couldn't. She was immortal after all, though that only made it worse. Continuous aches would course through her body until the day she asked Anthonn to end her life, or the day a solution came. The constant agonizing sensation made death's sweet relief more tempting by the second, but she felt determined to stay alive. It didn’t matter when the tears in her lungs healed with time because they always inevitably ended up suffocating and rupturing all over again.

In the early hours of the morning, before the sun rose, Julia sat on the cold, bloody, and flower-covered bathroom floor in a cold sweat, lightheaded as the pressure in her abdomen tightened once more, and she retched. An uncontrollable flood of saliva filled her mouth. Then she vomited; all she could taste was iron, the burn of her own stomach acid, and botanical sweetness. Tears welled up in her eyes as she shuddered weakly before whole flowers and thick maroon liquid continued to spill from her lips. She let out a soft whimper and coughed as her stomach continued to burn. The weight on her chest was heavy. Breathing was impossible. Thinking was impossible; her head spun and pounded endlessly, yet one sentence ran through her head repeatedly: “Please let this end.”

Julia Lazarrett’s time had already been extended once, with the help of Sahed, but this time, he had no idea what to do.

Later in the day, she sat with Sahed as he flipped through and analyzed dozens of ancient texts Anthonn had on hand for anything pointing in the direction of an antidote.

“Still no answer?” He asked, his voice low.

Ever since Julia’s condition visibly worsened and caught his attention, Sahed searched for answers and solutions diligently day and night, when he wasn’t looking for new seals, of course. At first, he was confident. After all, who could be more capable than him?— The same boy who discovered the life-altering seals Aspett used to secure the war’s win. As the months flew by and Julia began to look increasingly cadaverous by the day, his certitude began to dwindle. His heart ached just looking at her. Every time without fail, he felt a pang of guilt and utter helplessness. He was the one to find a solution to her lifespan contract, so why, why, couldn’t he figure out what was causing her to be so sickly?

His teeth clenched as Julia gave him the same answer she always did: “No, no answer.”

“I'll figure it out. I'm sure.” He offered her a reassuring smile, but he himself wasn’t even convinced.

With the medics, it was always “An unusual case of flowers growing and causing perforation,” but nothing was truly clear. When would they figure out why this was happening to her? The most they’d done was send her back with potions and opium poppies, but everyone knew their “pain-killing " effects did nothing. Sahed was frustrated for her; he was tired for her.

He was so incredibly scared for her.

Losing Julia for real had crossed his mind before, but that thought was always surreal. Now, it felt like the only ending, and he couldn’t possibly accept it.

He continued looking for pointers, but not a single page came close to being useful. In front of him sat piles of texts spanning hundreds of years, yet none mentioned an illness that caused flowers to grow in one’s body. Could it be that this was a disease even older than Anthonn? The very thought made him scoff. If it wasn’t actively draining Julia’s liveliness right in front of him, he wouldn't even believe there was such an illness.

The night before Julia’s birthday was dark, the sky devoid of moonlight, except for the occasional blinking stars. She didn’t know how long she had already been awake for. Sleep felt out of reach as she stared at the ceiling and her body throbbed. Her eyes burned from all the crying she’d done; her head pounded. How long had her own body kept her from resting? How long had it drained her strength physically and emotionally? The way it took so much from her left her desolate and irritated, even.

She constantly wondered if living was truly the right choice when every breath she took in was torture.

How long would it take for Julia to cave and ask Anthonn to finish her off?

The circus was lively; people wore bright smiles and began to sing the classic “Happy birthday to you!” Banners were hung, gifts sat together neatly, and the aroma of freshly baked cake wafted through the air. Kamille came in, presenting Julia's birthday cake decorated with twenty-two lit candles. Superstition led many to believe that making a wish before blowing out every candle in one breath and keeping it secret would make it come true. Of course, Julia had never believed in those kinds of things. Not once had she made a wish on a shooting star.

She wasn’t the kind to glance at the clock when it struck 11:11 and make a wish, or blow on a dandelion with focus on a desire.

So then why did she silently beg to be saved before she blew out the candles atop her cake?

Just this once, she had made a wish and laid her trust in a superstition. It truly felt like she had no other choice. Birthdays came only once a year; the next was never guaranteed. She figured there was no harm in a pathetically desperate attempt to solve all her problems.

Julia leaned forward with closed eyes and released a puff of air, extinguishing every dancing gold flame. If the old superstition was true, she was sure to be feeling like her old self in no time.

“You don't have to force yourself to work, you know. The old man understands,” Sahed said as he walked in, leaning on the doorframe. It had been two days since Julia’s birthday, and she had already gone back to carving her puppets.

“It helps,” she replied, her voice quiet, but she wasn't fooling him. Her hands trembled with every move; she held the chisel too tightly, and her work was sloppy. Before, when she worked on her puppets, her eyes were always set alight. The Julia he was staring at wasn't smiling subconsciously; light didn't dance in her eyes out of pure love and passion. It hurt to admit, but he realised that his Julia was slipping through his fingers.

If she hadn't already.

He crossed his arms. “Julia.”

Her face suddenly heated up. “Sahed! Don’t! Just…don’t,” tears welled up in her eyes. She couldn't exactly pinpoint why, but she had been easily irritable lately. It made her feel incredibly guilty. Having people who cared about her enough to ask “How are you?” and “Are you okay?” was supposed to be reassuring, yet it felt so taxing. All her friends were worried about her, so why did it make her mad?

She took a peek at Sahed through her now weeping eyes. His gaze was soft. He didn't yell at her for losing her temper without reason. Instead, he took a seat beside her and pulled her into his arms. Honestly, she felt humiliated that he saw her like this, but took great comfort in his warm, soothing hold. Julia hiccuped and coughed up a bloody mess. Not only did she make a mess of herself, but she made a mess of Sahed’s shirt. He showed no sign of caring about the mess; rather, his eyes were glued to her disheveled face. For a moment, she looked into his caring eyes and only saw a deep fondness before she buried her face in his chest. Her arms wrapped around him as her breath slowed at the sound of his heartbeat. His fingers ran through her hair in a gentle manner as he repeated, “I’ve got you,” and softly shushed her.

She didn't want to talk about her pain. He didn't make her.

After some time, Julia’s breathing finally slowed in a relaxed manner. Sahed had left the room a few minutes earlier and came back with a glass of water in hand. “I’m glad to see you finally resting, you know that, right?” His gaze was unblinking, but uneasiness flashed through the crack of his masked expression.

She nodded as she took a slow sip. When her eyes met his, she began to blush. He was so close, and he didn't even seem fazed by the proximity. She immediately averted her eyes, but couldn’t control the way her heart quickened.

“When you don't feel well…” he took hold of her cheek, cupping it delicately, “Please come to me.” His voice was raw with vulnerability, yet the look in his eyes implied he was holding back.

“I will.”

“You promise?”

“I promise.”

He let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding. “Good… I’m glad.”

Whenever she was with Sahed, the twist in her gut, the hollowness in her chest, the ache for him all disappeared. At times he held her close and made her feel loved; she could’ve sworn that the coughing died down. Being with him felt so right, yet so wrong. She wanted to pretend this moment was something it was not. She wanted so badly to pretend that his care for her came from a place that transcended friendship.

“You’ll get better soon.” Sahed’s quiet voice interrupted her racing thoughts. He said it like an affirmation he didn’t trust. His thumb gently caressed her cheek over and over again. When Julia looked at him, that’s when she realized he was engrossed in his worries. Behind his lowered eyes was unspoken fear, and it pained her to see him so scared.

Maybe she’d try to hold on a little longer.

It had been three days since Julia’s birthday, yet she was still reading through her birthday letters. Each one contained a heartfelt message that melted her heart. The outer corners of her eyes wrinkled with her smile. She’d never received so many birthday wishes before joining the circus, and for that she was grateful. But there was one thing she was missing a little extra— her father. Every birthday used to be spent with him. This was the second one that wasn’t, and she didn’t think she could ever get fully used to it. Luckily, he wrote her a letter as well; it read:

My dear Julia,

Happy birthday, my beautiful girl! It’s hard to believe you’re 22 already when it feels like just yesterday I was rocking you in my arms. Watching you grow up was the greatest adventure and gift. You were sunshine the moment you were born. I couldn’t help but smile every time I looked at you. Always remember that you’re braver than you believe, stronger than you think, and smarter than you think. I’m missing you lots, today especially. If I could be there, I’d stand beside you and sing while you blow out the candles. It’s odd without you at home, but I knew the day would come. You’re still my little girl, even if you’re all grown up now. I’m glad you found community, Jules. I always hoped you would. I hope your special day is more than perfect. Write back to me all about it, okay?

I love you, Julia.

- Papa

She fought back tears, but couldn’t help crying. The ink bled on the page; drops of her tears left a damp crater. Her emotions were a mix of happiness and sadness. If only her father knew the condition she was in, he would be devastated. He was the one who nursed her back to health growing up; now she didn’t have him with her. She wanted to cry to him like she did when she was younger about how much she missed him. Everything that was happening was just so overwhelming that it made her feel like a powerless child again.

Lately, the thought of dying had plagued her mind more often than not, yet there were many things stopping her. One was the hope that someone would find a solution. Two was that she felt like she didn’t fully live her life to its potential. Three were those around her.

Dying felt selfish. She didn’t want to burden them with grief, but the pain was unbearable. It felt practically unsolvable. The meaning of forever held its true weight. Immense. It felt like the only thing lying ahead was an unfathomable space of time, where misery stretched out indefinitely.

Four days since Julia’s made her wish, “…for the pain to go away.”

Unfortunately, she learned it wasn't that easy.

When Julia stood, stars and flashes of white obscured her vision. Abruptly, she fell to her knees, retching and coughing. The familiar sight of thick crimson mixed with clumpy green splattered on the floor again. She felt like she was so nauseous she could die. Doubling over, dark, seemingly black roses spat up out of her mouth with dashes of blood. Julia clawed at the tile, trying to ground herself. The room was suffocating in the putridly sour smell. Her legs began to strain, and her hands trembled. When she tried to move an inch, a sharp pain shot through her body. Never had she so desperately wanted to crawl out of her own skin.

It was hours before Julia could feel her legs just enough to walk again, and by then she had made up her mind.

She sluggishly made her way to Anthonn’s office and pushed the door open. As soon as he saw her, he froze, and his eyes widened. The look in his eyes was a mix of terror and concern, no doubt. His breath got caught in his throat when he tried to speak. “Julia—”

“Please.” The words barely came out, but they both knew what she was asking for. What she was asking him to do. He pitied her and was sorry about her experience with immortality, but he knew this was the kindest thing he could do for her.

And so, he retrieved his box with the small golden dagger and opened it with a click. He couldn’t bear to look at her. Not when she looked so sickly. It was as if she was already gone. Her eyes no longer held a fierce look of determination, nor did they sparkle. He’d always liked her boldness, how she held her ground, and the way she stood up for others. The girl standing in front of him looked like she was ready to fall over at the slightest brush of wind.

“Are you sure?” he asked, just as a precaution, but they both knew the answer. She gave him a slow nod. A bead of cold sweat formed on his forehead, and his throat was dry. Despite the countless times he had executed this before, it never got easier.

“Please close your eyes, Julia. …It won’t hurt.”

BANG.

The door swung open and hit the wall. There stood a panicked Sahed.

“Don’t!” He roared. Books plummeted to the hardwood the same way his heart did.

Unfortunately, it was too late.

The cold blade was already lunged into Julia’s head when her eyes flew open. For a split second, her eyes locked with his and time stood still. He made a beeline towards her and closed the distance in a blur. “No, no, no, no, no!” he gasped and grabbed her as if he could hold her soul inside her body.

“I was so close,” he whispered.

In truth, Sahed was initially coming to Anthonn’s office to return a few of the books he borrowed. After all this time, he had found an answer in one of the older books and was particularly pleased with himself. He ultimately discovered what was truly affecting Julia.

The fatal disease that results in flowers growing in one’s lungs, heart, or throat. The manifestation of unrequited love.

The Hanahaki Disease.

Its symptoms consisted of coughing and/or vomiting flower petals. As time passed and the conditions worsened, instead of petals, one with Hanahaki would cough and/or vomit entire flowers.

Hanahaki: the result of suffering from unrequited love. Sahed was dumbfounded when he read that there was such a cause. When it came to Hanahaki, there were only two roads: get rid of it or die. There were three ways to end it. One, extraction, and as a result, the victim loses their romantic feelings, sometimes even their memory of them. Two, their feelings are returned, and the disease simply fades away. The third was, of course, death, usually from suffocation, which Julia couldn't. Not with how her body healed itself only to be torn apart again.

He was the one she loved, the one who could’ve saved her.

The one who indirectly caused her suffering.

The only thing he could do now was helplessly watch as her soul floated off and her body withered to nothing. He knew the absence of her presence would scar him for the rest of his life. He’d miss her blue eyes, which twinkled whenever she smiled her contagious smile. He had always wished to drown in them. He’d miss quiet and vulnerable moments with her because she was his person. He’d even miss arguing with her, because at least she was there to fight him. Worst of all, he missed what they could’ve had.

What they could’ve been.

If only he got the chance to tell her how he loved her too. Hanahaki didn’t swallow him, for the difference between them was that she let her feelings for him consume her being, and—

Manifest physically.

“Sahed—” Anthonn’s whisper cut through the thick silence.

“No, I don’t want to hear it.”

He didn’t walk out crying, but Anthonn could feel that something in him broke.

——

Success was so close, he could almost touch it.

Even now, everything Sahed ever wished for never came true, and if it did, it never lasted. He was thinking naively when he thought he could help the other Ah’kon kids escape the research center, wishfully thinking when he thought there was a chance Julia would stay long enough for them to find an antidote, and hopelessly delusional when he denied what had happened to her. If anyone knew she was gone for good, it was him. After all, he watched her soul float up into the attic and feed Ryishmar. She was a part of the mountain of souls now. The girl he loved was stabbed in front of him, and it was impossible to forget. He watched her react to the blade’s cold impale. He heard her brief gasp for air. He smelled the metallic scent of her blood. Yet despite the clear confirmation of her death, he was deep into rejection.

It turned him into a different person. His progress was reset. With Julia, he came to open up and smiled more often than he had before. In the meantime, he was constantly in a foul mood that poisoned the atmosphere.

“We’re here for you if you want to talk… You know that, right?” one of the members asked, to which he was met with silence and a harsh stare. At his scowl, he slowly slipped away without a word. No one else tried to console him after that, and he didn’t mind. However, they pierced him with their pitying gazes, and it unsettled him. Anything they had to say didn’t seem to matter because they weren’t her, and she was the only one he wanted to see.

He used to love sitting in his room alone and writing seals. Before, he didn’t mind the solitude, but now a quiet loneliness set in every time he picked up a pen. Whenever Sahed looked at particular seals he had taught Julia, his heart ached. Memories of her bright smile and eyes wide with awe flashed through his mind. Sometimes he craved her presence so badly that his chest physically tightened. A heavy hollow ache had settled over him. Many nights he couldn’t eat, nor could he sleep.

His aching heart longed for Julia so badly it caused him to double over in pain and disgorge a thick, bright red liquid, along with darker red petals.