Xela

Looked like a playground in Bloomshore District. As familiar to her as her childhood home. Home that was becoming foreign in her mind as her past reconstructed itself with the full truth.

Not what she should focus on. This could be a simulation that resembled her past. Liu Ying could be testing her for her reaction or willpower to break through the paralysis he’d put her in.

She was going mad. Her insides were close to bursting, but she was utterly still and not inhaling anything.

She would implode at any moment, then she would die, then she would suffocate herself to death and finally get what she’d been wishing for. Yes, she liked to wish for that. Asphyxiation wouldn’t be the worst way to go.

A line of heat scorched her chest. Her panic ramped up. It burned in one area and spread and spread until her whole front was on fire. Forget dying. Self-immolation was at the bottom of her list. She needed to breathe, to move, to flinch, to scream.

It hurt. The tangible sensation broke through her fogged mind, but it hurt.

She could do one small thing after another. Wriggle toes. Lift arm. Open mouth. Take a deep, deep breath. Impossible, but she kept trying anyway. Why did she, survival instinct would be the death of her, Caleb didn’t survive anyway. She’d left him behind—

Her hand flew up to clutch her searing necklace, and the pressurised bubble burst. Air rushed into her lungs, and she hacked out coughs that sent her tumbling from the swing. Sand and grass stuck to her stiff arms and legs.

The dog tag cooled, and so did her body. There was no fire. Her thin cotton top flapped in the breeze.

Things were coming back to her now. Caleb. Xia Yizhou. Josephine. Zhang Su. Both of whom she’d killed in one day. Who was she to assume the authority over who lived and who died?

Who did she have to talk to now?

The putrid scent of Caleb’s blackened wounds still stung her nose. He wasn’t around anymore. They’d only been together for a few weeks. She missed his kisses. His kiss would fix her. He wasn’t around anymore.

No, it wouldn’t. He would kiss her to distract her from his plan and keep her in the dark. He’d cast her out and leave her alone. Even when she had him, she was alone.

But that had been better than this.

Caleb had betrayed her. He couldn’t understand that a life without him wasn’t a life at all. She’d told him this many times.

But she wasn’t crying. She was taking very deep breaths, constricting her chest, but she wasn’t crying. Wasn’t that funny? She’d murdered her family and couldn’t spare some tears for them.

Caleb’s death meant hers would follow soon. She would. She was done.

Though for that to occur, there was something to figure out first. She slapped her cheek hard, and her ear rang. What was it? So hard to remember.

Where she was. That was the first thing.

She picked up pebbles and flung them as far as she could. They all bounced out to the street. No flickering static that marked the end of a simulation’s boundary.

Her hands pushed into the soil and spread her resonance outwards. The beams of Protocore energy she could detect were from a passing car and street lights. Those wouldn’t be enough to power up a large-scale simulation. The energy would have to be concentrated below the ground or wrap around the world in a structured formation.

In the convex traffic mirror, she checked her reflection, and her eighteen-year-old face stared back at her.

Was she—? She was afraid to finish that sentence.

She squeezed her dog tag pendant, and its gritty texture startled her. No longer was it smooth and shiny; two-thirds of the body was singed.

Could she really have travelled through time? After her jump to Nowa, the apple had been burned. This apple bore the exact burn marks.

Tugging down her top, she could see the same hickeys Caleb had left. Liu Ying wouldn’t know this even if he’d constructed a younger artificial body to mislead her.

This was the real world. She was back in the past.

Relief weakened her legs, and she had to prop herself up against the pole. Did this mean Caleb and Grandma were alive?

Should be. There was still a chance then. No more wasting time drowning in her emotions, grief or whatever it was. She didn’t know what one was supposed to feel after killing one’s family despite making so many promises to save them.

Caleb wouldn’t have been dissected and sewn up and dissected again if she’d been smarter. He wouldn’t have fallen and got ripped apart if she’d remembered to retract the mechanical arms and tubes.

This was why she wasn’t qualified to defend the earth. In her moments of panic, she made the worst decision anyone could make while sparing herself.

Another slap to her face. Her self-centeredness was astounding.

She tucked her necklace into her top. No more journeys through time unless necessary. She didn’t know what would happen once the necklace was charred in its entirety, and she couldn’t damage her first Caleb’s keepsake. He felt so distant now.

Her phone buzzed in her pocket, and a glass vial clinked inside when she reached for it. Caleb’s hard work had travelled with her. Another keepsake from another dead Caleb. She pressed it deeper inside.

Her notifications were blown up by messages from an alive Caleb, who was deathly worried because she’d run off in the middle of the night.

Her vision blurred before righting itself.

He was alive.

He was alive, but she still wasn’t crying.

If she could gather him into her arms, if she could bunch him into the treasure chest in their attic and only let him out when she was around, he’d be safe. She had no idea if he’d be happy, but he’d live past twenty-nine.

More than anything, she wanted to touch him and let him touch her to reassure herself that he was fine.

With a trembling hand, she turned on her phone to call him. Anything was better than him dead. She could yell at his face. He’d be there to listen to her. But before she tapped the button, her clammy hands turned cold.

If Caleb was alive, reuniting with him would lead to his fourth death.

So many deaths for one person. There wasn’t a version of Caleb who would work alongside her and trust her expertise. That had been her wishful thinking. His need to protect her would always override her decisions.

Because he was her gege. He should know what was best for her simply because he’d been born earlier.

Caleb would not die again.

She had no naivety left. She would not be trapped in the false pretences of nostalgia encompassing them in this time.

One more thing to figure out: which timeline this was. Was this the Caleb who would stab her in the back? Or the one who’d be caught in the house bombing?

Her last messages with Gideon, those would confirm it. She pulled up the chatroom, and there they were, the same texts as the ones they’d sent before she jumped to Nowa, dated four days ago.

All right, so this was the traitor Caleb, though time seemed to flow differently between her travels. It was quicker here.

She let out a guttural scream. Never could she feel joy and rage at the same time so often, and always for the same person.

But she couldn’t shake off her self-blame. He might have ruined her plans, but ultimately, it was her choice to run away that had doomed them. She’d started a chain of reactions she couldn’t control. Caleb was never hers to control. He was never hers. They were only playing as a couple. None of it was real. He lied to her through it all.

She ran her hand through her hair in frustration. Calm down, and think fast. Her next move. What it should be.

So she was back. Not the most ideal arrival point since she’d shared her information with Caleb and been thrown out by Grandma, but she’d make it work. There was time to alter the course Caleb had set. Her mistake had been her poor acting that failed to fool Caleb and trusting his good nature to see her as his equal partner.

As much as she loathed to admit it, Grandma’s warning from what felt like a long time ago had some truth to it. It might be wise not to indulge him too much. He is like a black hole. You’ll disappear if you get too close.

Their joint mission was never struck in her favour. She’d underestimated him because he didn’t hold the colonel status. She’d said it herself that the colonel lived in him. She was too flattered by the fact that he was finally treating her like a mature confidant to see his intent behind it.

Her best bet was to go after Liu Ying alone, but there was a problem with Caleb, who’d get suspicious if she suddenly broke off their partnership. Her attempt to disappear from his and Grandma’s lives would trigger him to track her down. The moment he found out why, he’d sacrifice himself for her again.

Caleb would follow her anywhere she went. He’d meant it when he declared her his.

She had to cut him out of her plans, but fleeing wasn’t the solution. She’d tried it so many times, and each time it blew up spectacularly in her face.

And she had to keep Caleb within her sight. She’d already seen what would happen when she left him alone. He had no regard for his own life. If that was how he had to be, then she’d assume the responsibility for him.

She let his call go unanswered. Talking to him in her current state was dangerous. He’d read her somehow, and who knew what he’d do with that information?

She did. She wouldn’t repeat her mistake.

Caleb wasn’t the only one who could betray her. Just as he’d ruined her to keep her his, she’d ruin him to keep him alive.

With an application, she scrambled her phone signal and dialled Gideon’s number. Being raised by an overprotective gege had its perks. He’d locate her eventually, but buying a couple more minutes would help.

She squatted inside the gazebo to avoid being spotted—and, if she had to be honest, to hinder herself from running to him. Not long ago she’d come here with him to reminisce about their childhood days. She wanted to jump into the arms that were always ready to catch her. The arms not yet slashed open and rotted.

She banged her head against the railing. Stop thinking.

It didn’t take long for Gideon to arrive. He’d been running around in search of her too.

“There you are.” He knelt in front of her. “Have you informed your ge? He’s going nuts. You’re one escape away from being chained to his side.”

The image of Caleb being cuffed to the chamber flashed across her mind instead. “I’ve been running off?”

“Every night since four days ago.”

“What? Why?”

Gideon’s eyes widened in alarm. “Have you lost your memories again?”

Right. Caleb told her she’d become amnesiac after leaving this body. “Actually, I remember everything now.”

“You do?” His expression melted into sympathy. “Is that why you’ve been running away?”

His assumption hit a little too close to home, so she pretended to massage her temples. “Are you still staying with us? The details are fuzzy.”

“Yeah, your gran isn’t getting better, and she doesn’t want Caleb to take care of her.”

“Or me.” Anger flared up in her, though it transformed into guilt just as fast. She’d killed her. It wasn’t her place to resent her now.

“Excuse me, lady, but you’re not in a state to take care of anyone.” Gideon gestured at her bird’s nest hair and dishevelled clothes.

She didn’t ask him here for sartorial criticism. “Listen, I need your help. Caleb’s and Grandma’s lives are in danger. Help me save them.”

His hand slipped from his lap. “How do you know? Is someone threatening them?”

“I’ll explain later. We don’t have much time. But you have to help me. They’ll die if you don’t.”

“Okay, what do you need me to do?” Gideon was tense, but his eyes kept roving over her as though to make sure she was fine.

Her wellbeing was the last thing she cared about.

“Hey, don’t be scared. You can talk. I’m listening,” he said in a softer tone. “Is this related to your memory loss?”

She’d forgotten how clever Gideon was. He’d be the top student in the Academy if Caleb hadn’t hogged the first place.

She bunched her shorts in her hands. His genuine concern made it harder to speak, but if she was about to enlist his help, she should give him the dignity of stable eye contact.

He was so different from Caleb. Too expressive. She could read his worry so easily despite barely knowing him.

He’d have to work on that.

“Can you pretend to date me in front of my family?” she asked.

Gideon stumbled a step back and stood up. A long silence followed. “Please don’t make that kind of joke. Caleb wouldn’t like it.”

“That’s the goal.”

He put more space between them. “What does his survival have to do with hurting him?”

“I have to make him hate me, or he’ll die. Please, I’ll tell you everything later. There really isn’t much time. He’ll find me soon.” She got to her feet and grabbed Gideon’s wrist before he could swat her away. “I can’t break up with him. You know how he is. But if I have another boyfriend, he’ll have no choice but to keep a distance. I need that distance.”

“Out of all the healthy ways to cope with a problem, this is the one you choose?”

“I’ve gone down the healthy route of trust. It did not go well.”

He shook his head in short, jerky movements. “I get that your problem is unique, but you’ve been depending on each other. What’s with the switch-up?”

“I wouldn’t ask you this if other methods had worked. And Grandma would have an easier time accepting him again once she saw that we’d broken it off.” Gideon valued his family. Appealing to that side of his could work in her favour.

“I don’t think Caleb cares about being accepted by anyone but you.”

“But Nainai would be happy with him, and that would make his life easier. He can’t be walking on eggshells all the time.”

“But he won’t be happy with you and me, and you won’t be happy at all,” Gideon said. “Can you really take that?”

“Better this than him dead.” Caleb’s pained groans were still ricocheting in her head. “And I—I could be of help to you too. You don’t have anyone you’re into, right?”

Slowly, Gideon shook his head.

“And your mum has been hounding you to get a girlfriend, correct?”

A wary nod from him.

“I can be your girlfriend and lay her off you. This can be a partnership with mutual benefits.” She waved at the space between them. “Unless you don’t think I fit into your parents’ criteria?”

He sighed. “You saw how much my mum fawned over you. They haven’t stopped bringing you up since you visited.”

“Do you find me too ugly to date, then?”

He gave her an incredulous look. “Have you seen yourself? Nobody would think you’re ugly. But that’s not the problem here, Xia Yizhou’s meimei.”

That label that she used to take pride in. She didn’t think there could be a context in which it hurt to hear it.

She fell onto her knees. She wasn’t above prostrating herself for Caleb’s sake. “This is the only way my family could stay together and alive. I can’t let it fall apart.” Even though Grandma had driven the wedge from the beginning—but no, she couldn’t think about that right now. “Please help me.”

Immediately Gideon tried to make her stand, but she wouldn’t have it. They struggled for a bit before he gave up and knelt with her. “Is there really no other choice?”

For the first time since her jump, tears pricked the corner of her eyes. She couldn’t explain why. He was merely echoing her thoughts.

She shook her head silently.

“You’re asking me to hurt my best friend,” he whispered.

Her chest squeezed tight. Under the moonlight, Gideon was handsome with a boyish charm that promised fun and games. His fringe was flat against his forehead after running around to find her. He cared for her because his best friend cared for her. Who wouldn’t want to be loved by such an earnest heart?

In another timeline where Caleb didn’t exist, perhaps she could have fallen for him. But she couldn’t imagine herself existing without Caleb to keep her going. He was inseparable from her sense of self. Always had been. Without him, she wasn’t her or anyone or anything. His survival directly impacted hers. He’d learn in time.

This ruse she was forcing Gideon to play, she’d pay for it in the end. She kept condemning people to the same hell she was in.

“I know.” Her eyes were fixed on the criss-cross pattern of the floorboards. “And I’ll hurt him with you.”

“What if this is the wrong thing to do, but by the time you realise it, it’s too late to change things?”

It appeared that he had to be given some information, or he wouldn’t be on board. “I’m a time traveller. I’m older than you. I came from another timeline. I tried to keep him alive, but he got himself killed to save me. I have tried. I have—” She took a sharp breath before continuing, “He’s died so many times in front of me. I don’t know what else to do.”

A myriad of emotions crossed Gideon’s face. “You’re from the future.”

“You can fact-check me later. Just tell me you’re in on this.” When a longer silence followed, she said with more desperation, “I’m not doing this for fun. I know what I’ll destroy.” Her voice cracked, and she twisted the skin on her thigh. “I can’t see him die again.”

Gideon politely removed her hand from her leg and laid it on the floor. “Don’t do that. You’re already hurting yourself.”

Her nails curled into her palm.

He closed his eyes and balled his fist with her. “Caleb would kill me.”

But he wasn’t turning her down anymore. She dared to look up.

“Not if he believes that I made the first move,” she said. “We’ll direct all his anger to me. Convince him that the fight with Grandma was my last straw. That I can’t stand to date him anymore.” The irony didn’t escape her that the only time she could label what they’d been doing as dating was when she had to cheat on him.

Gideon was apprehensive. “Would that work? The Caleb I know wouldn’t buy it. You’ve been crazy for each other since forever.”

“I can say my amnesia has erased my romantic feelings for him.” It was close enough to the truth. The Nowa version of her had proved how dense she could be. “And in the short time you’ve been looking after my family, I fell for you.”

“You fell in love in four days,” repeated Gideon. “How is that possible?”

“Maybe I’ve been interested in you since the party at your parents’ house.”

His jaw dropped.

It would be a harsh blow to Caleb. After seeing how he ensured she had friends at Nowa, she realised that he’d brought her to meet Gideon for the same reason. She was starved for platonic friendship outside Caleb, so he fed her full. Her gege always provided for his meimei.

He’d never trust her again. Then again, companionship and survival never went hand in hand for them. He’d left her with no choice. If he didn’t like it, he could take it up with his future dead body. He pushed her to do this. Live with it if he wanted to live.

She didn’t care if he didn’t want to. She’d make him.

“God.” Gideon’s head tilted towards the ceiling. “We’ll have to sell it to him completely, or the jig will be up.”

She faltered then. Caleb had seen through her act. She hadn’t learned the ways to deceive him when she was with him. It’d been the opposite. She’d bared herself to him so freely without minding the ramifications.

Caleb was the only person she’d ever given her heart to. He was more familiar with its shape than she was. She didn’t know how convincing she could be in falling for someone else when he had all the evidence to compare to.

No, this was worse. He’d never seen her fall in love because she’d been in love with him her whole life. One of her earliest memories was of Caleb introducing himself as her gege, and remembering it still brought up a deluge of relief and fondness. Wo jiao Xia Yizhou, shi ni de gege. Sometimes, she thought she was born to love him.

Even now. Even after he’d made a fool out of her.

She could use that to her advantage.

“Then we don’t lie.” She lent a hand to bring Gideon and herself back to their feet, more for his comfort than hers.

“What do you mean?”

Her hand hovered near his face. He stiffened, waiting for her next move, but she touched his arm instead. She couldn’t bring herself to be that intimate yet.

“Say it’s passion.” Her fingers danced up his defined bicep. Caleb once sent a video of them working out at the gym. Her gege was so hot with his bulky arms and sweat drenching his tight athleisure. “You witnessed our fight, so I thought I could lean on you. Distract myself with someone who’s not involved.”

Gideon held himself so rigidly that she thought he’d push her off and report her to Caleb for being a bad meimei. Then Caleb would punish her by locking her up and never letting her leave his side. Then he’d die again.

All that blood and black shrivelled muscles, she couldn’t erase it from her brain.

But she’d been haughty in her ability to read Gideon. He was still a stranger to her, after all.

He stared at her hand and said cautiously, “Because you didn’t want to trouble him further.”

Her gaze snapped to his face. He was giving her an opening. He was continuing her ruse. “I did get my memories back, but they hurt too much, so I kissed you to feel something different.” Her heart pounded. She couldn’t believe the words that came out of her. “It worked. I couldn’t stop wondering about you. How easy my life would be with you. He knows I like easy things. He’s always done the hard work for me.”

Gideon dipped his head. It closed the distance between them by an inch. It felt like more. “I felt guilty at first, but I couldn’t hold back either.”

“Because you like me too much.”

“Because you’re as wonderful and considerate as he makes you out to be.”

She fisted his shirt. “I’m really not.”

Gideon hesitated before holding her shoulder. Each consoling pat from him was breaking her down. Caleb was so lucky to have a friend like him.

“I’m turning you into a disloyal friend,” she said. “And I’ll be a cheater. I’m so sorry.”

Gideon’s phone rang, but he didn’t check it. They both knew who the caller was. “You can break up with him first. It’ll be easier for you.”

“But our lie won’t hold. It has to be like this.” She straightened her back. She couldn’t be this weak before anything had started. “This would hurt him more. And if he’s hurting because of me, I don’t have the right to ease my own pain.”

“You don’t deserve to hurt at all. You and him both.”

She kept shaking her head. That wasn’t what she wanted to hear.

Gideon’s head tilted in sympathy. “You love him so much.”

“He loves me more.”

And soon she wouldn’t have anyone to love her. Did Caleb feel the same ache when he went behind her back?

“I’ll help you,” Gideon finally said. “But you have to promise that this will be worth it.”

“It will. I’ll explain everything, I promise. I’m not Caleb. I won’t leave you in the dark.”

He smiled and averted his gaze. “I guess I’ve been too obvious in trailing after him like a starving stray.”

“What are you starving for?”

“Someone as magnetic as Caleb makes you feel like you need to prove your worth to him. Everyone wants him as a friend or a mentor or a boyfriend. You have to be worth his time and attention. It’s hard not to feel special when he chooses you.”

It was a strange thing to hear from an outsider. She’d been so accustomed to receiving the full force of Caleb’s special attention that she couldn’t imagine how it was to live outside it. At least not when he was alive.

She suspected she would learn about it soon.

“Are you sure you’re up for this? There’s no going back once we do it,” she said.

“Are you?”

It was her phone’s turn to buzz. She clenched her teeth, her chest feeling like she was the one being sliced up in a pod. “Yes.”

Gideon nodded. “I prefer my friend alive too.”

“Even when he won’t see you as a friend by the end of this.”

He offered a tremulous smile. “You can always make new friends.”

“I’ll be your friend.” She shot out her hand. “We’ll get through this together.”

And Caleb will have no one, her mind interrupted, but she banished that thought.

This was necessary. This would be a natural progression of things as opposed to an abrupt disappearance. She’d make it natural, and she’d be safe in front of him, and he’d be safe in front of her. Him and Grandma. They couldn’t keep dying so soon.

What was Grandma’s suggestion again? To keep an open mind and welcome changes so her life would be a lot different. This was her taking the advice. Grandma should be proud.

She was furious at them, but it wasn’t the same as wanting them dead. Despite her deciding to kill Grandma in a fit of rage, despite her actually doing it, which turned out not to be worth the bloodshed anyway—

Gideon pulled her in, tripping her into his arms. “Don’t move. Caleb’s here.”

Years of gravitating towards Caleb couldn’t defeat Gideon’s command. At the sound of her name in his voice, she turned her head—and would’ve spotted him if Gideon hadn’t clasped the sides of her head.

“You can’t look at him. Not with those eyes. He’ll know,” he said in urgency.

“My sad eyes? Caleb said they’re sad.”

Gideon furrowed his brows. “Are they? You always light up when you see him. You don’t look at anyone else like that.”

She bit her inner cheeks. She’d have to kill what little spark she had left from here on, and Caleb would have no way to reassure himself that he was cherished.

You could lose one person in many different ways and many different times, but none of them would hurt any less.

He would hate her. He would. She didn’t know how she’d survive that.

Gideon caught a tear beneath her eye. Was she crying? How could she, when it wasn’t her who should be crying?

“Last chance to back out,” Gideon murmured. More tears streamed down her cheek. He brushed them all away for her.

She gripped his waist. “My gege has to live.”

She heard Caleb’s footsteps rustling against the lush grass. He was getting nearer. Time was closing down on them.

How did you get rid of someone who would always find you and never let you go?

I know what love is, and it’s you.

You forced him to witness you let him go.

This was her love. She would save him, whatever it took.

She pushed Gideon up against a pillar, positioning their bodies so their side profiles would be clear to Caleb. The moon was bright tonight, round and luminous, the kind that Caleb would take a picture of when he was in Skyhaven. Everything beautiful reminded him of her.

Gideon’s hand reached up to pull her in, but she whispered, “Don’t. My move.”

Caleb needed to believe it was all her, and she’d already made things bad for Gideon. Little mercies she could give him.

For one second, she thought Gideon would listen, but he cradled her face with a resigned smile on his lips.

She knew how it looked. Caleb would think he was caressing her with love instead of drying her tear-stained cheek.

She was so sorry that this was her love.

The footsteps had stopped. The invisible force of gravity was thick around them, but they could still move.

So she did.

She kissed Gideon, and Gideon kissed her back.

END OF BOOK 1

Footnotes: We’re finally at the finish line (for now)! Sorry for that cliffhanger. I tried to keep all the plot points I wanted to hit in one fic, but it became impossible the more I wrote. My choice was either a longfic that I’d post after a long time of obsessive writing and editing or this. It felt right to conclude it here after the climax in the previous chapter.

Ever since some of my loved ones died, I’ve had recurring dreams about travelling to the past and spending more time with them, that even five more minutes would do. It’s what pushed me to write this. Thank you for letting me stretch out those five minutes through posting this story over 4 months.

In a lot of fantasy and sci-fi stories, the protagonist is determined to stop the bad guys and save the world. I wanted to write from the perspective of a character who doesn’t have such noble visions. MC’s motivation has always been to keep her loved ones safe. So is Caleb’s. So is Josephine’s. It’s what this family have in common.

My main incentive to write this story, though, is because I’ve always wanted to explore the weight of being in a forbidden relationship, and whether the relief of being with that person is worth the anxiety of losing everything else. But writing this was a double-edged sword—it was both an escape from my problems and a stressor that pulled me down. I’m a method writer, so putting myself in MC’s depressing headspace was exhausting.

The writing process felt so long yet so short. It took me about 7 months to finish. The top 10 moments include the ultra painful complications from a dental surgery that led to… that’s right, more surgeries. I don’t even want to go into how raw my gum felt after being constantly reopened and restitched over a short period of time. I share MC’s annoyance of being a medical unicorn. Truly not an achievement to be proud of.

Let me know what you think of the fic in the comments! (Gently please, I am fragile.) Thank you again for staying until the end with me. I appreciate you so much. I can’t believe this is over so soon. It’s a bit sad.

I’d like to end this with a personal dedication: to the one who asked me to include him in my writing, to whom I said my inspiration didn’t work like that, I finally did. The best parts of you have wormed into this story—although I’m keeping the best, best parts for myself. Darling, you were mine as I am still yours. I love you. I’ve never stopped.

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