Xela

“Is it the anomaly?” He spoke in a low, urgent tone.

“I don’t know. I don’t want to know.” She shoved him out of the way and bolted out of the apartment.

She was panting when she reached the alley at the back of the building. She bent over, and her necklace fell out, warm as her skin.

Violet lights split across the dark clouds at intervals. Her heart wouldn’t stop thrashing. She clutched her chest and huddled to the brick wall.

Fluctuations happened every other day. This would pass. Perhaps the current Metaflux level was on the same wavelength as her Aether Core. Nothing else was glowing around her. As long as she kept away from mirrors, she wouldn’t teleport elsewhere.

She didn’t want to be alone so soon. Her life in the future was about being used by Liu Ying or dying, and dying wasn’t a priority anymore. She’d just started this thing with Caleb. She had to see it through. She had to live through it in real time instead of skipping it for the younger, dumber her to enjoy. That girl would freak out and repeat the history.

She kept thumbing the dog tag to make sure it wasn’t getting hotter.

Footsteps skidded to a stop behind her. “You disappeared so fast.” Caleb crouched. “What’s happening?”

He found her. He found her first. Her anger hadn’t subsided, but at least he was there with her.

She tackled him with force that crushed him to the ground. “I don’t want to go yet.” Her knees scraped against the asphalt. The ground was dirty. She’d stained Caleb’s trousers. He’d have more work to do. “I don’t. Please.”

“I’m holding you down. You’re not going anywhere.” He kept squeezing her arms to prove it. “You can’t travel without mirrors, right? No mirrors around here. You’re safe.”

“My Aether Core has never reacted to weather like this. Is it an electromagnetic storm?”

“I don’t think so. It was supposed to be sunny today. Must be the Deepspace Tunnel acting up.”

She frowned, trying hard to remember. “Same thing happened before I travelled here. I wasn’t sure that time, but now it tracks. The Tunnel scrambles my Aether Core activity somehow,” she said. “This never happened before my time travel, though.”

“Maybe it was a permanent activation. Once your Aether Core is attuned to the anomaly, it can’t pretend it doesn’t exist.”

“How would you know that?” she asked through chattering teeth. From the panic or the fluctuating Protocore, she couldn’t tell.

“I don’t. I was just putting it out there.” Caleb wrapped his arms around her. It was warmer inside him. “You’re the first proven time traveller here. I’ve researched it—there’s no record of temporal anomalies on Earth.”

As far as she was concerned, being a pioneer of anything would mark her as a target. The records could die with her. “But how can I prepare myself if I don’t know what’s going to happen next?”

“You’ve seen glowing mirrors in both instances. That’s atypical during Deepspace instability. We’ll take that as the rule for now. Anything else you noticed?”

“My Aether Core is dialled up high. I feel restless.”

Caleb rubbed gentle circles on her chest. “Here?”

She nodded while holding onto his hand. “The Protocore dampener from Liu Ying would have done me good.”

“And the next thing you know, he’ll perform an Evol extraction on you.”

She punched him. “Did you and Gideon really not see the mirror light up?”

He shook his head. “But that could be due to your unique Aether Core. Maybe it enhances your senses and lets you interact with things nobody else can.”

His theories were sound. “If it happened once, it could happen again.” Her head dropped into her palms. “I thought I could live out this timeline or have more time. I don’t want to leave you behind.”

Caleb’s hug tightened. “We’ll minimise the probability. I’ll discard all the mirrors at home.”

“I still need to get ready.”

“I can be your personal stylist. Have you forgotten who stayed up past midnights when you couldn’t sleep and wanted to experiment with your hair?”

“Just throw away the ones in our rooms.” Being flung back to the future while sleeping was decidedly worse.

“If you can’t see it, it’s not true?”

“Isn’t that what we’re doing right now?”

“We’re waiting it out.” Caleb kissed her forehead, which was all she needed to jump-start her anger. He was using her fear to weasel into her good graces.

She extracted herself from him and sat some distance away against the wall.

Caleb made a noise of confusion. He waited for her to speak, but when she didn’t, he slowly shifted to her side. She fought the childish urge to move further.

“You’re still mad,” he said, pointing out the obvious. How he managed to best her in academia she couldn’t fathom. “Did you really feel worthless because of me?”

The sinking feeling came back, pulling taut at her diaphragm, down, down until she shrank into her smallest shape. She fit right into the mould as if she’d never outgrown it.

Her belief that she was inherently unattractive should’ve been debunked by the fact that countless men had slept with her. Instead, she felt lesser. She was merely a vessel of their and her own pleasure. No one stayed attracted for long. No one bothered to peel her off to reach the truth inside. They wore her once, twice, and left.

She couldn’t blame them. She’d wanted them to leave. Emotional intimacy would ruin the experience. She had to keep that for Caleb. He didn’t get to feel it with her, so no one could. She owed him that much.

She was realising that he owed her so much more.

“If I’d got the letters, I would’ve shown you, and we could’ve read through them together. It could’ve been a fun way to pass time.”

A humourless laugh tumbled out of Caleb. “Don’t align your idea of fun with mine, pip-squeak.”

“I hated being left out in school. I wasn’t desirable as a friend or a girlfriend. Do you know how lonely that was for a teenager?” She kicked the gravel on the ground. “You did know. I cried to you about it. When you comforted me, did you feel smug because you had the upper hand? Was it fun watching me make a fool out of myself?”

“That’s not my idea of fun too.”

“Then what is?”

Her old friends had probably seen through her and were disgusted by it. Desperation was easily seen no matter how well you thought you hid it. Loved ones held onto their hope until the dying’s last rattling breath. She held onto her hope that one day, someone would stay, even if they didn’t mean anything to her.

She just wanted to know how it felt to be liked by everyone. Caleb did. She’d mimicked his actions to be more like him. She should’ve known that a knock-off, however convincing, would never be the real thing. She could never be him.

Caleb studied the dog tag she was fidgeting with. “Would you have noticed me if I hadn’t interfered?”

She bit back her retort. “We saw each other every day. I couldn’t not notice you even if I tried.” She was especially aware of him on the days they were exercising together and had to wear tight athletic clothes. She’d imagined him trailing his hand up her thigh as she pressed her chest against his hard pecs. The workout forgotten because she was too distracting.

“Would you be as happy if one of those letters were from me?”

“I wouldn’t have believed you.”

His smile was self-deprecating. “Because you looked right through me.”

“Because it would’ve been too good to be true!” She didn’t understand where this was coming from. Caleb was one of the most confident people she’d known. “And after your stint, I took it to mean I wasn’t a person anyone would date.”

“I’ve praised you so often. You didn’t believe any of them?”

“You’re my gege. You’re obliged to see me in the best light.”

“What a mean assumption,” he said. “I’m not obliged to do anything. I see you in the best light because you’re the best in my eyes.”

Master manipulator.

“You—” She hustled to her feet and pointed at him. “I know your tricks, Caleb Xia. You don’t get to play the victim after deliberately hurting me.”

“That was not what I was trying to do.” He followed suit and grasped her arms. “It was the best thing I could come up with when I didn’t want to share you with anyone. I never meant to make you believe you were unlovable. You’re so easy to love.”

She shrugged him off. “You didn’t have to ruin me to make me feel loved.”

Caleb’s hands trembled near her face. “I’m sorry.”

She fixed her stare on the ground, her tears falling between their shoes. She refused to look at him. That innocent, fearful expression always triggered in her the need to smooth over her feelings so he’d stop hurting. “Why can’t you stop making me cry? I’m so sick of crying because of you.”

“I’ll stop. It was my fault. I’ll stop.” After a beat of hesitation, Caleb stepped in and hugged her head to his shoulder.

Tears burst forth, rushing out until it drowned the fluttering in her chest. This was absurd. She should fight back. She was seeking refuge in the person who’d hurt her. How could someone be both a toxin and a salve?

If she’d known she had admirers like Caleb did, would she have been more confident in making friends? Had that cost her a thriving social life? It was pathetic, the way she’d let these petty events determine how her life unfolded. She didn’t want to be this way, but she didn’t know how else to be. She’d always looked to Caleb for answers. And after he died, she’d simply stopped looking.

“I know there’s no way to give those years back to you, but I’ll make it up to you from here on out,” Caleb said. She wanted to clap her ears over how earnest he sounded. “You won’t have to feel bad about yourself anymore. I’ll spend every day reminding you how remarkable you are.”

A remarkable person would have enough self-respect to find a partner who could treat them better.

But—Caleb always had the best intentions for her. He’d come up with fun ideas for celebrations no matter how busy he was. He’d wake up earlier to pack her lunchbox content in cute shapes. He’d burn his small, chubby fingers to cook for her despite Grandma’s warning that they needed to eat less to save money.

She couldn’t conjure the power to fight him. In the end, she always lost.

How was she supposed to bear to live as someone this weak?

“What do you need?” Caleb asked in a whisper. He could actually sound desperate. She wasn’t aware he had that in him.

But she didn’t have the answer. It wasn’t in her habit to pay attention to what she needed.

She sniffled and pushed herself off him. The sky above was calming down, and so was her Aether Core.

She pulled up a mental cremation jar and compressed her emotions into it. “The fluctuation will be over soon,” she said flatly.

She could tell Caleb wanted to stay on the topic, but he relented. “And you’re still here.” He brushed her wet cheeks. “See? I can touch you. You’re not going anywhere.”

But it had started the ticking clock for her existence. She was a tourist who didn’t belong.

“Let’s hurry up with our relocation.” She’d cried so much, one less crying session wouldn’t hurt. It was already her fault for indulging in their relationship too much that she’d neglected the future. Changing it didn’t only consist of dating Caleb.

He exhaled. “I’ve talked to Gran about the possible places, and we’ve narrowed them down to an island called Oahi in Nowa. They’re a small archipelago country and racially diverse,” he said. “It won’t be hard to hide. Gran has some experience in that.”

Faintly she was surprised that Caleb was following through with his promise and cooperating with Grandma. “I’ve heard about it. One of the few countries that refuses nationwide Protocore implementation.”

“Which means they’re against companies like EVER.”

“Can you still be a Deepspace pilot there?” She closed her eyes, irritated at herself for still being concerned about him.

“DAA stations are mandatory in every country. It’s not like the Deepspace Tunnel would magically stop causing troubles just because the world leaders want to deny their entry.”

She used her phone to look up Oahi. “They have a college that offers mortuary science. It’s cheaper than Boveta. I should’ve moved there.”

“So you approve?”

She’d have to double-check the country’s safety in relation to EVER, but she was already relieved that this portion of work had been taken off her plate. “My work is flexible. People die everywhere. But we might be recognisable if we moved to such a small island. What if they ratted us out?”

“Look here, it says Nowian people generally keep to themselves.” Caleb peered into her screen. “We can keep a low profile but not too stand-offish or rude so they wouldn’t see us as a threat.”

She nodded. That could work. “I’ll ask Grandma to forge new identities for us.” Her connections must be vast to be able to hide from EVER for about two decades, in the same country at that. “And we can ask her to teach us how to blend in and dodge surveillance.”

“Yeah.”

Discussing the problem at hand was easier. She wished she could isolate herself to get her emotions in order, but she wasn’t about to repeat the past. The last time she left Caleb after a fight, he’d wound up dead.

“We should go,” she said.

“Home?”

“Looking like this?” She motioned at her face. Her eyelids felt swollen. Grandma would notice.

“Where else can we go?” Caleb asked.

But he could read her mind. He already knew there was only one place for people like them to be completely themselves in.

She made her way to the bus stop without waiting for him, humiliation gnawing at her like vengeful ghosts with each step she took.

She sat at the edge of the sinking mattress.

Caleb knelt by her feet, taking off her shoes and massaging her calves. They’d gone out of their way to check into a slightly nicer hotel than the previous one. She didn’t mind a cheaper motel with peeling wallpaper, but it was apparently an offensive suggestion. Hygiene and safety, Caleb reminded her.

On their way here they passed by an enormous hotel with grand pillars. She was now the older of the two yet still without the means to provide better things for him.

One day. One day they’d have a footman bowing and opening the car door for them, and they’d strut to the concierge with the easy confidence of people who were accustomed to wealth.

She slumped onto the mattress without taking off her clothes. Caleb didn’t chastise her. He didn’t have the balls to.

“Do you want to order room service?” He scrolled through the menu on the holographic screen.

“Do you know how overpriced hotel food is?”

“I can afford this much.”

She snatched the remote and turned it off. “I’m not hungry.”

Caleb stared at the blank wall. “All right.” After a moment, he asked, “May I get into the bed?”

“Asking for my permission? Guess there’s a first time for everything.”

He teetered at the foot of the bed then sat himself in the chair. It wobbled in place with a loud creak. “Never mind. I can sit here.”

That fanned her annoyance. “The bed is meant for two.” She sat up and smacked the space beside her. “Get in here.”

“Are you sure you want me to be near you?”

“What, you can’t stand me? Am I too damaged for you now? You did this. Take responsibility to fix what you’ve broken. You promised.”

The frown lines in his forehead were deep as he climbed into the bed. “How should I fix you?”

“Sex is a good starting point.”

“Our first time shouldn’t go like this.”

“My life wasn’t supposed to go like this either. Are you bored with me after you got me? Congratulations, you’ve won the prize you’ve been coveting. Time to switch to a new toy.”

“Don’t talk about yourself like that.”

“What kind of girl should be your replacement? Someone seductive who goes out without inhibitions? I can be her.” She took off her clothes and slung them to Caleb’s face. Then she dragged him out of the bed and threw herself against the full-length window. “Come on, fuck me here so everyone knows I’m yours. Contrary to your claims, I don’t think you’d be satisfied with locking me up. You want everyone to know that no one can touch your cute little meimei except you. Isn’t that why you stole my letters?”

Caleb cradled the back of her head. “Are you trying to gain new injuries when your arm just healed?”

He was making her out to be a kid throwing a tantrum while he watched her with the benevolence of a saint. This wasn’t even her fault to begin with.

The more patient he was, the more she itched to push his limit.

“Or someone who markets her body for a little comfort even though she knows it won’t last? I can be her even better.” She reached into his pocket where his folded knife was and slashed it across her bra straps. Then through the wire in the middle. Then her underwear.

She cackled and swirled the knife at his face. Caleb wasn’t turning on the blinds. The button was just beside her head. “Tempting, isn’t it? We can fuck here. It’s dark enough. We can be as free as we want.”

His Evol stilled her hand and plucked the knife away. Calmly, he bent down to bunch her underwear into his pocket. The bra he set on the table, no doubt would be brought home once he had a bag to keep it in.

Caleb was fond of broken things.

“Were you listening? I’m good at being the dolt who asks men to tie her up and whip her to feel something, and then wake up and feel hollower than yesterday.” With her free hand, she wrenched his and used it to slap herself hard. “Come on, do that to me.”

He sprang back in shock. Silence stretched on as his expression hardened. “You never told me your future was that bad.”

“Bad?” Her voice rose. “I did my best with what I had, and you called it bad? Take off that belt.” Her fingers scrabbled for his belt buckle. “Hit me with it and I’ll show you how bad I was with them.”

Caleb gathered her wrists in one hand and flattened them above her head. “Have I been making you feel worthless whenever I hurt you during sex?”

“Nope,” she popped the word. “Just when you made me believe no one had ever desired me.”

“Don’t lie.”

“The liar accusing me as one. Fun.”

“You want me to fix you?” His gaze zipped across her face, considering. “All right, but we’re doing it my way. Talk to me. We’re not going to have sex until you see yourself as worthy.”

She’d brought sex to the table, and Caleb wanted to sit around and talk?

“I’m fine. Out of sight, out of mind. Thanks to Gideon, now I know how attractive I am at this age. How fast would other guys get their hands on me if I stand naked in front of them, I wonder?” She ducked and swiped his phone off the table. “You have a lot of friends. Which were the ones who wanted to get to know me? I’ll let them know all of me.”

She’d succeeded in taking one nude photo before Caleb flew the phone out of her grasp. “Are you done?”

Cheap hotel rooms had thin walls. They both heard the muffled laughter of heavy voices outside.

“I haven’t even started.” She sauntered towards the door.

Then gravity hit her full force. It turned her and pinned her against the door. Her feet were no longer touching the ground.

Caleb prowled up to her with possessive fury. “You walk out like that, you’re not going to walk anywhere for the rest of your life.”

She let out a shriek of laughter. “There you are. I shouldn’t have doubted the future you.” She would’ve rubbed her hands giddily if she could. “What’s next? Fake my death to everyone who knows me? Saw off my legs so I can’t walk away? Tell me!”

Caleb was so familiar like this. She’d managed to get back the part of him she’d been missing, the violence that wasn’t reliant on her plea. He already hurt her. Time to commit to it. Do it all the way, why not.

“All these efforts won’t get me to sleep with you.” He sighed with profound disappointment. “This is on me. Gege has spoiled you too much.”

The crazed high she’d been riding on transformed into rage. “Do not assume responsibility for this. You don’t have the right. Those were my ideas, not yours.”

He caught her chin and made her look down at him. “I can when you’re my responsibility.”

“Then fuck me.”

“Say I do. What comes after that?”

“Obviously you within five minutes. Virgin men usually come too early, though it’s not just them. Sometimes the more experienced ones also do, so you have to go home and masturbate alone. I was just getting used to a guy’s dick being inside me, then bam, over. What a waste of my night.”

Caleb’s fingers pressed into her cheeks. “You seem to have a lot to share with the class.”

“And I’m currently sharing my body with you. Sure you’re not the least bit tempted? I don’t feel worthless anymore, I promise.” She jutted her bottom lip. “I thought Gege was obsessed with my body.”

“Why are you insistent on doing our first time like this?” he asked, incredulous. “Can you even say you love me right now?”

“I love you.” At his sudden stillness, she pushed on. “And I’ll forgive you.” Her voice lowered to a cloying whisper. “I’ll put the past behind us and focus on the present. I can understand that. I also ate the heart chocolates those girls gave you. We’re even.”

“Don’t say things you don’t mean.”

“Have you ever stopped loving me just because you’re angry?”

Caleb did a light shake of his head.

“Then you shouldn’t belittle my feelings. It hurts me. You said you’d stop hurting my feelings. Why are you doing it again?”

He rubbed her arms as though to distract himself from the rest of her body, but she knew him. Younger Caleb was so easy to bend to her whims. He wouldn’t ever be sorry about intercepting her letters. His guilt only extended up to where her insecurity was concerned.

So be it. She was also guilty for throwing away her first love confession for this. Not everyone got to have their ideal moments. Deal with it.

“I’ll love you even more if you put your cock inside me,” she said.

His eyes flicked downwards for a second. “Your language has been so foul.” Caleb pulled her tongue out. “What should we do about this?”

Any lewd suggestion she might have was hindered by his grasp. Liu Ying had done a similar thing. She attracted like-minded people in her life, but Caleb’s touch was different.

Liu Ying had no right to be here. She wouldn’t break down again over him. Mental jars.

Her spit was collecting around Caleb’s fingers and dripping down the carpeted floor. It was embarrassing.

It was just what she needed to get out of her head.

“I’m not going to punish you. I’ve hurt you too much.” Caleb kissed her forehead. “I love you too. You know that, right?”

She nodded like a broken doll.

“My meimei is so cute.” He slipped one finger between her parted legs, then two. And moved them inside her at an increasing pace while his palm drew circles around her clit. “She deserves everything good in the world.”

Pleasure bloomed in her lower belly. A flower. She was a dried, pinned flower brought back to life by someone who wouldn’t let her shrivel into herself.

“More,” she mewled.

“She’s even cuter when she needs me.” Once she was wet enough, Caleb took out his hand and held it up before her. “Look at you.”

She did, with her tongue still out.

“Clean it up.”

She did that too. Grabbed his hand like a baby suckling to stay alive. He’d been the reason she attempted suicide, now he was the reason she needed to stay alive.

Caleb smiled. “Good girl.”

Then slowly, he unzipped his jeans and lowered her onto him. The feeling of his fullness dispersed whatever ploy she’d planned to use against him.

Caleb was inside her. After years and a week of imagining it, she was finally allowed to know how he could mould her from the inside.

He wasn’t immune to the effect either. Caleb made a strangled noise and pulled her flush against him. Their necklaces clinked together.

She hugged his head and whispered, “You feel so good.”

He took a shaky inhale and thrust up to her. He quickly found his angle and rhythm, his low grunts mingling with her loud moans. In this room, they were free to be themselves. They weren’t each other’s hideous secret. They were merely a man and a woman in love. No fight could cleave them apart.

She tightened her hold around Caleb, desperate to envelope him with all her limbs, to cocoon him with all parts of her so that nobody would be able to deny their love and union.

The corridor outside was quiet again. Nobody would ever know, but at least they did. This was theirs.

Caleb didn’t once break eye contact. Those indigo eyes freckled with orange, cataloguing every single twitch and gasp that fled from her, but was also worshipful in their awe. She could do no wrong. He’d repent for the rest of his life as long as he got to live inside her.

“You belong to me,” said Caleb.

“I do. I’m yours.” She wouldn’t leave him alone in this sin again.

He was proving her wrong. He was lasting longer than her taunt, or perhaps because of it. Not a surprise, seeing the lifetime he’d spent to hold back from her.

He’d spend multiple of it. Caleb was just like her.

What surprised and irked her was his mistrust of her. “Come inside, it’s safe,” she huffed out. He was close. She could feel it from the way his muscles grew taut.

“No. You’re ovulating.”

“Not. I got an IUD.”

To her supreme irritation, he slowed down. “Since when?”

“If you’re actually into denial, please do it when you’re not denying me as well.”

“Answer me.”

She rolled her eyes. “After graduation.”

Caleb twisted her nipple. “Who were you planning to fuck?”

She begged him to pinch her harder, but when he did the reverse and released her, she groaned. “What foul language.” She ground her hips. “You know who.”

“Was your first time with Hyunki?”

She couldn’t make sense of the inner workings of Caleb’s mind. He hated it when she brought up the men she slept with, but he wanted her to spell out the name of her first guy while he was fucking her. Self-destruction at its finest.

Well, she understood a little about that.

“I only started doing casual hookups after you died,” she retorted. “Can I go back to being fucked?”

The muscles in his jaw grew taut. He picked up his pace, the thrusting becoming rougher and deeper.

Her head slumped back, a prime access for him to suck a mark into her neck. “Caleb! That’s too high. I can’t hide it.”

He scoffed. “As if you wanted to hide a thing from everyone.”

Hard to argue with that.

It didn’t take long for him to reach his climax again. This time, Caleb fucked up to her fast. She dug her nails across his back and locked her ankles, pulling him closer. There shouldn’t be any space between them.

He had to come inside her. He’d brought colour into her life, so it was only right if he painted her from the inside too.

His cock twitched, and cum spilled into her.

She took a moment to bathe in the warmth spreading inside and smiled.

She won.

She knew her gege would always surrender for her. She’d taken back the control he’d exerted over her love life. This was her love life now. She was the one who pulled the trigger.

It was an arousing thought, one that pushed her over the brink with Caleb’s continued pistoning. White light ripped behind her eyes as her thighs seized, and he swooped in to kiss her.

“I love you,” Caleb said. “I love you so much.”

“You’re mine too.” She nipped his bottom lip. “No one can love me as you do.”

It was the best and worst truth she’d uttered, one that she wouldn’t trade for anything else. Caleb was the kind of wholeness that her empty life had been missing. She felt it now. She was the most herself she had ever been. She’d been scattered in the abyss, and he’d assembled her into someone worthy.

Caleb carried her to the bed and spread her legs. He knelt before her and stared in fascination before parting her folds.

She gasped when his finger pushed the leaking fluid back into her. “You—”

“Try to keep it in.”

“Why?”

He closed her thighs and cradled her in his lap. “So I can live in you.”

“I need to warn you that I’m not interested in having kids.”

“You think I want to split my love and care for other people? They’re all for you.” Caleb smiled with swollen lips. “They’re just for you.” His expression turned serious while he traced a line down her nose. “I’m sorry for hurting you.”

She hummed. She’d got what she came for. Her mental jars were empty. All was forgiven.

“How did you do it?” he wondered aloud. “Sleep with people who weren’t me? When I force myself to imagine doing it with others…”

She poked his apple pendant. “I was still a Linkon Hunter when you died. I had friendly colleagues, but no one knew how to be there for me. Or maybe they were uncomfortable. I don’t know. I don’t remember much of that period except for the funeral service and endless platitudes,” she said. “When things quieted down, people left me alone. I think they were so scared of doing the wrong thing that they ended up doing nothing. Nobody knew how to deal with a woman who had to bury the same person twice.”

Caleb rested her head on his chest. “They could’ve tried,” he said with an edge.

Smugness rippled through her. She’d forgotten how good it felt to be cared for. “I thought my life would change after moving to Boveta. And maybe it would have, but I hadn’t had the energy or skill to befriend anyone.”

“I’m proud of you for still trying. It couldn’t have been easy.”

The trashed Skyhaven hotel room. The gun. The broken mirror.

She cleared her throat. “Despite dealing with a lot of people on the daily, I felt more isolated than ever. My physical contact was limited to handling corpses and calming down hysterical mourners. Transference isn’t exclusive to therapists, you know. Sympathetic physical gestures are discouraged.”

Her next words were stuck inside her. Caleb wouldn’t judge her, but admitting how desperate she had become without the veneer of sexual offering was shameful. The things she did for scraps of attention, and she wasn’t even happy with the result. Fucking other people only reminded her of having lost the chance to do it with Caleb.

“You were lonely,” he admitted for her.

She tucked her chin in. “I wanted to feel like a person, not just a cog in the machine. I was helping everyone but me.”

“Did it work?”

“It was a recreational drug. When the loneliness became unbearable, I went home with someone. Always their place, not mine. I was paranoid of being tracked. The comedown was harsh though. Everything was pointless in the morning so I thought I should stop—until I needed the next hit.”

He succeeded in making her talk in the end. What Caleb wanted, Caleb got.

She’d been picking at her thumb without realising until Caleb clasped it and hugged her closer. “No wonder you cling to me so much.”

“That’s also the byproduct of losing you thrice.”

“I wish I were there with you,” he said. “I’d ask how your work was every day, give you free massages when you were tired, make shengjianbao when you missed home, and clean your place so you wouldn’t have more work to do after your shift.”

“I noticed you left out the sex.”

Caleb’s chuckle was a melody to her ears. “Of course I’d pleasure you whenever you wanted. You can take this drug without any withdrawal. Gege will always be there for you.”

Taking an addictive drug couldn’t be good for her body. But it was Caleb, and he’d ruined her, so why did it matter? She’d known very well how much worse he could be in the future, and she’d chosen him anyway.

There were worse drugs in this world. Nobody should fault her for taking the safest one. People didn’t understand how secure he made her feel—aside from that one incident. She pitied those who didn’t have a gege and lover like him.

She kissed Caleb’s chest. “How was it, your first time having sex?”

“It was with you. Of course it was mind-blowing,” he said, then winced. “But you were right about premature ejaculation in virgins. I thought I’d come the moment I entered you.”

She snorted. “Why didn’t you?”

“Don’t underestimate me.” Caleb nudged the top of her head with his chin.

She drew a heart over where his human heart lay. “Can’t I kidnap you to a far-off place where nobody knows us? I hate being expected to date other people when all I want is you. I hate that you have to listen to them without saying a word. I want you to claim me.”

“In front of everyone?”

“So no one can doubt I’m yours.”

He sighed, his fingers caressing her breast before his mouth went to imprint another bruise into it. She moaned and held fast to his hair. “This is the most I can do for now.” Caleb soothed it with soft licks.

“I know.”

“If only I wasn’t your—” The quiet hovered above them like a storm cloud ready to break. “No, I’m sorry.”

Their gazes locked, both of them pretending the other didn’t have tears lining their eyes. Was this something to whine about? They were both alive to love and belong to each other. Caleb had died one too many times. Anything, she’d asked. She’d give anything just so he was alive again. And now he was. That had to be enough.

No point in wishing something that couldn’t be. They’d been handed an impossibility. It’d be wasteful not to make the best use of it.

A drop of tear fell onto her sternum, sliding down her belly. She watched Caleb watch it run. She’d never meant their reunion to be so sad.

“It’s all right. I like this too.” She brought him down for a gentle kiss.

“There’s a treasure chest in our attic, do you remember?” Caleb sniffled and smiled. “I want to fold you small enough to fit in there and carry you off. To the sun or space or a paradise somewhere. We’d be free.”

“Compared to the life you used to have, this is already a vast improvement.”

He massaged her fingers the way he used to when they were children and couldn’t fall asleep. They’d invented all sorts of games to pass the time, giggling under the sheets and clamping down each other’s mouths when Grandma came to check on them.

“Earlier, after we danced, I wanted you to kiss me,” Caleb said. “My friends’ girlfriends do that. They kiss in public.”

“I would’ve liked it.” Guilt was a permanent dweller in every iteration of their relationship. She always felt sorry for holding Caleb back, and he always felt sorry for not giving her enough.

“I know. I saw the way you looked at me.”

She shifted to barricade his thighs with hers. “What did you see?”

“Everything I feel when I look at you.” Caleb grazed the apple of her cheek, not minding the mixture of their fluids running down his clothed legs.

For a while that was all they did, looking at each other, drinking in all the details they’d missed when they had to be around people.

The burgeoning feeling like a fist inside her, it needed to ensnare him so they wouldn’t be separated again. Her mania seemed overdramatic now that she was sated.

She loved Caleb so much. This man who was hers only in private rooms, she loved more than any other.

He steadied his breath and attempted a smile that quavered. “I have something for you.”

A small box wriggled out of his jeans. The lid opened to reveal a pair of matching apple rings. “Before you freak out, no, I’m not proposing. Families and friends can wear matching stuff too. These won’t give us away.”

She took the smaller one out with caution. Around the band were green apples sliced open, facing up, alternated with red apples, facing down. “I love it, but why the sudden gift?”

Caleb slid it on her right middle finger. “To mark the fact that we’re together.”

It was the right fit. “Don’t we already have matching necklaces?”

“But this is something exclusive to our current relationship. Besides, the necklace was about me going away. This is about us not passing by each other anymore. With this, you know that you’re more than a meimei to me.”

She noticed him avoiding any noun that’d label them as an official couple. “And you’re more than a gege to me.”

Caleb wiggled his right hand. “Want to help me put it on?”

The ring wouldn’t fit on his middle finger, so she switched to the index finger instead. “Da bendan,” she muttered. Big dummy. His version sported a plain green band and a red apple, the meat slightly creasing inwards. Of course he got the perfect size for her but not him. “Why are they different?”

“Because I have a meimei who likes to complain when I copy her. As if that wasn’t what she did to me throughout childhood.”

That didn’t fool her. He must not want to rouse suspicion. Identical clothes or necklaces or even bracelets were excusable for platonic relations. Not rings.

She wished they could wear them on their fourth fingers.

“I’ll think about you every time I see this,” she said.

“Only when you see it?”

She nodded sagely with her arms crossed. “Out of sight, out of mind.”

“I hate that phrase.” Caleb wrestled with her hand. “Give it back. I won’t let it go home with an ungrateful owner.”

She put it behind her back. “I’ll bite you.”

He bared his Adam’s apple to her. “Go on.”

She did, then threw herself to the pillow beside him. He laughed, holding up their hands together. Their rings were aligned, just like their hearts, just like their forced restraints.

In a way it was good that Caleb hadn’t opted for a pair of bracelets. With this, she could pretend they weren’t handcuffs that bound them to silence. A ring was romantic.

“I was scared this might be too childish for you. You’ve changed a lot,” he said.

“I’m still me. I’ll like anything you give me.” She was so herself that it sickened her.

“Good.” Caleb’s tone was subdued. “That’s good.”

There truly were worse things out there. The fact that she didn’t have to doubt his love, that sex with Caleb was more than emulating intimacy, these were more than most could dream of.

No one could be happy all the time. They weren’t any different. She’d get sad or angry, but she was more often happy than sad or angry. The forest, not the trees. This occasional sorrow was preferable to unending grief.

Anything was preferable to mourning him again.

Good. This was good.

Footnotes:

They eat codependency for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.

From Violent Need and now we’re here <3 This took 3 drafts and half of my sanity to write. The first draft had a more romantic smut, but I realised during editing that the emotional progression from the fight was stilted, so I rewrote it to be more twisted. I’m satisfied with the final look, but navigating their dynamic was *pained screeches in the corner*.

I also redrafted the post-sex scene a couple of times to make sure he didn’t come across as shaming MC for not being a virgin. I’m a firm believer that virginity is a social construct and shouldn’t matter when defining one’s identity. My take on Caleb WILL reflect that.

In chapter 5, Caleb calls MC “xiao bendan”, which means “little dummy”. Here, MC plays with the wording by calling him “da bendan”, which means “big dummy”.