why is it that i am the most supportive person in my own life. i support everyone around me. wether they be family, friend, partner; even strangers. i am so genuinely happy for anyone who wants to or has accomplished anything even if it was something small. an accomplishment is a celebration in my eyes. but the one time, actually- the few times that i want to do something for myself, i am always doubted. especially by the one person i would sacrifice my life for. i support this person in so many ways. this person has taken on 2 projects, and i was always right behind this person, always loved & supported this person. when business was going, i put my life on hold to help out. this person never asked me to do that, but i did. because i supported (going to name this person milkshake) milkshake. when milkshakes business went blooming, i contributed my own money to help milkshakes business. when milkshake wanted to start a t shirt business, i helped milkshake, offered to buy what milkshake needed. 

but the one fucking time that i want to do something, ESPECIALLY FOR MY HEALTH...... it surpasses milkshake, and it’s “whatever” 

and this is why i feel like milkshake doesn’t care about me. i feel like i am so wrapped up in making milkshake feel happy, and loved that i forget about myself. i feel like i just can’t seek others for happiness; when i know i shouldn’t, but it’s nice when someome puts a smile on your face. i feel like im just on my own. no one else has my back, or my best interests at heart other than me. for that i am decreasing the amount of love and care i give to others and im giving myself more love, support, and my guard will be higher. ill be treating others the same damn way they treat me.

1222020

it has been 22 days into the new year, and i haven’t done a post. i have a journal that i should be writing in, but i honestly forgot where i put it lol. so far these past 22 days have been amazing. knock on wood that it doesn’t go bad. got into a car accident a few months back, entering the new year AGAIN being car less sucks. but it’s whatever. i’m still alive.

i’ve been loosing weight. which has been literally on my to-do list for maybe....... 2-3 years now? i’m finally losing fucking weight. i was at my heaviest; weighing 178. i’ve lost 10 pounds. 10 fucking pounds. to someone else that isn’t a lot. but to me, i’m literally flabbergasted.

i’ve been having a different outlook on life lately, restored a friendship that i thought was falling out, being able to forgive others but never forget is a plus. seeing the bigger picture everyday waking up. i tell myself i don’t want to work but every time i leave my house, i walk out the door and always do the crucifix sign and tell myself “let’s get this money”.

i have plans this year to travel, i went to my first out of i think 5 trips planned so far for this year? i went to tahoe, tahoe again for my girlfriends birthday, hawaii in may, and disneyland/LA in september. i’m so excited for 2020.

back to my weight loss journey. i feel like with me losing weight, it’s taking a toll on my life; in the most positive way ever. more and more everyday i’m starting to realize that life is too short to be reflecting on negative energy. why have so much bad aura around you, when you can make different life habits and maintain a positive attitude?

i’m no longer in denial that i have beef with anyone. anyone from my past who has ever had an issue with me, i pray that you find some sort of closure that satisfies your eerie thoughts. i am one who is in comfort of my own well being, mind and body. and in total control of my own self.

one thing that i do want to learn this year, is to learn more of others. i have always studied people. wether it be my friends, family, or strangers in general. instead of assuming a judgement, i ask myself questions as to why this person does this, think that, or do this/that. i love asking people what they think of things and how they would approach/figure out a situation; being them in THAT persons shoes. it opens up my mind more to become a better person.

that being said, i am no longer keeping anything in. if i have an issue with someone, i will say something. if something is bothering me i will acknowledge it. if i feel that my family, girlfriend, and friends are starting to feel mentally out of shape, i will talk to them, and try my best to help them.