you give me your armor

[text]: You’re bringing me tacos?

Brandon: You're what?!?

Emily: I'm so proud of you, I love you and I'm always here for you ❤️

There were okay days and there were bad days. Most of Colton’s days were spent behind a mask. It had been months since Nick left and he should have been over it by now. That’s how normal people worked, right? Break ups happen, you’re upset for a reasonable amount of time, and then you move on. People are sympathetic at first, but after so long, your sadness becomes an inconvenience. They begin to feel awkward around you, so you just get used to being alone. Or simply faking it.

His whole life, Colton had always dealt with a mixed cocktail of anxiety and depression. When you throw a dose of toxic relationship into it, it’s a recipe for disaster. Nick and Colton’s story had been many years in the making. On and off and on again. Angry sex and fights. Sweet moments and falling in love. Volatile, passionate, and intense. The first time that Nick had left, Colton picked up a drug habit to cope. It was Hollywood, isn’t that what everyone did? It was only supposed to be a few times, but it seemed to turn into a habit. A crutch when Colton’s mask was slipping. 

The habit only seemed to fade when Nick came back into his life. This time it felt like they could make it for good. They had both come out to the public and their relationship was no longer a secret. Everything was good. Everything was great. Colton was on cloud nine and he gave his entire heart over to him. 

Then it fell apart.

Colton wasn’t even sure how it happened or what had happened. He had retraced the steps a million times over a million sleepless drug-filled nights. He didn’t know where it went wrong. One day, Nick was just gone and something inside Colton knew it was really over that time. The habit picked up fast and hard. The only person who knew about it was Lucy, who was in the same drug-filled pool of depression and heartbreak with him. Colton had become good at hiding it. Not even his best friends had picked up on it. Or maybe they had and hadn’t said anything. He didn’t know and at this point he didn’t much care.

Lately, just to get through the day, Colton was high all the time. He had neurotic and manic episodes. Everything about his career seemed to be at the top of the world, but he honestly felt like he was dead inside. A white powder was the only thing keeping him going most days. It was the life in his veins. Nothing felt normal anymore. Nothing felt real. He had bleached his hair, he had lost weight, went days without sleeping, and other times slept 18 hours in the day. 

It was Saturday night—or maybe it was Sunday morning now. He wasn’t totally sure. Colton was in his room, having told Billie that he was going to work on some stuff that his manager had sent over. He was blasting loud music and stripped down to his boxers. His dealer had given him an 8 ball of coke laced with a hallucinogenic. He thought it was a good night to give it a try. 

Clearing a spot on his desk, he cut a few lines and snorted all of them. Never had he tried this kind of mix, but he figured go big or go home. Almost immediately he felt the rush and began to dance wildly to the music. About twenty minutes later, he started to see the sound waves coming from the radio. They danced around him and pretty soon the sounds turned into colors, dancing in the air and melting into the walls. The walls melted into the floor and the whole room turned into a sphere. An orb led him forward into an open field, but trees began to grow around him and they were dark. They were dark and menacing. They wanted to choke him. Vines grew from the grown and wrapped around his ankles. They wanted to keep him. Colton closed his eyes, wishing them away. Wishing this experience away. 

Trying his hardest to focus, Colton grabbed one of the bottles from his desk, squinting at the label. All of the letters rearranged themselves. He saw an x floating around and figured he had a bottle of Xanax. The man popped two into his mouth, hoping they would counteract the hallucinogenic. Closing his eyes again, he crawled found his way to his bed and opened his eyes. In front of him were the most familiar piercing blue eyes. “Nick--,” he said, reaching out toward the boy. His hand should have touched him, but somehow he was miles away even though he was right in front of him. “You came back to me. You came back.... We can be together.... I’ll never let you go... I’ll be the right man for you. I’ll be good enough for you this time,” Colton said, trying to get closer to him. ‘Nick’ moved, causing Colton to fall back on his bed with a cough. Turning on his side, he saw Nick lying beside him, there was a warm smile on his face. “I’ve missed you so much,” Colton said to the boy. His eyes grew heavy even though he felt energy flowing through his veins. The Xanax was starting to counteract with the rest. The image of Nick began to flicker in and out. “No—no. Don’t leave. Don’t leave-- you just got here. Don’t leave, Nick. Not again,” Colton begged, reaching out to him. The image seemed to reach back, but then disappeared entirely. 

“NO! No. I won’t let you. I’ll get you back. I won’t let you leave again,” he said, pushing himself off the bed and onto the floor. He stumbled his way to the desk and cut several more lines of the laced cocaine. He did all of them, turning back toward the bed and waiting for the boy to return. A few seconds later, or maybe it was minutes, or maybe it was hours, later he did appear. The same piercing blue eyes were staring at him and welcoming him. Colton made his way over to the bed and as soon as he did the image of his ex-boyfriend began to turn dark. His entire body turned an ashy gray and his eyes and mouth became black and shallow. His skin began to flake away like the ash off of a fire. It was something straight out of a horror film. It was straight out of a worst nightmare. It inflicted fear and panic into Colton. His heart was beating so fast—too fast. He could hear it in his ears he could feel it in his whole body. It was deafening. The entire world around him was screaming.