Eksie writes stuff

/tttt/

bastardized form of "/lgbt/" /tttt/ is the most common term to refer to the /lgbt/ board of 4chan, it came into use due to the fact the the board is most often used by trans woman and therefore turning the acronym lgbt (lesbian, gay, bi, trans) into tttt (trans, trans, trans, trans)

rogd

acronym of "rapid onset gender dysphoria" rapid onset gender dysphoria is a pseudoscientific term coined by Lisa Littman, in a heavily disputed study which is not recognized by any major health institutions. the term referred to the idea that for some gender dysphoria could spontaneously manifest during ones teenage years due to the influence of peers and social media only to disappear in adulthood. rogd is used on /tttt/ to refer to the idea of a person's transness being temporary or ephemeral, and therefore less valid

youngshit

compound of "young" + "shit" or "dipshit" youngshit is a term that refers to those who transitioned earlier in life as opposed to "midshit" and "oldshit". the specific time ranges for what constitutes these categories can range from as conservative as youngshit being 16 (or younger) and old shit being 25 and older to as liberal as a youngshit including anyone under 20-25 and oldshit being anyone after around late 30s

repper

shortened form of "repressor" a repper refers to a person who knows themself to be inclined towards the trans experience but for whatever reason choses not to transition, they will often utilize pictures of trans people who they find unattractive as "repfuel" a reason to continue repressing their transness

chaser

clipping of "tranny chaser" a chaser refers to someone (usually a man) who "chases" as in romantically/sexually pursues trans people (usually trans women) often with fetishistic intensions. on /tttt/ the term has lessened in severity to be a catch all term for any man (or in some cases woman) who is interested in a relationship with a trans woman, tho it's older and more derogaty connotations are still understood and in some instances utilized (not to be confused with, someone who chases, the drink, or the more general term for someone who specifically tries to date/fuck people with a particular quality)

eva

shortening of "evangelion" a common shortening of a popular anime known as "neon genisis evangelion"

agp

acronym of "autogynephile" or "autogynephilia" autogynephilia is a term coined by Ray Blanchard is his book "The Man Who Would Be Queen" it is part of "Blanchard's transsexual typology" where it is thought there are two types of "transsexual" the "homosexual transsexual" (often abbreviated on /tttt/ as "hsts") and the "autogynephile", in this typology the reason for the autogynephile's transtition is due to a paraphila where they get aroused at the thought of themself as a woman. on /tttt/ the concept of "blanchardism" has expanded noticable to the point it often doesn't resemble the actual ideas of Blanchard, due to the fact that "homosexual transsexuals" had to be exclusively straight they conception of hsts vs agp is much more that of straight trannies vs lesbian, bi, or otherwise queer trannies, there are to many stereotypes of "agp trannies" for me to adequately represent however some include, being autistic, liking anime and video games, being hypersexual, and having "unusual" fetishes like petplay, dipers, or incest

autist

this one's actually just a real word, people don't know about it because it's fallen in popularity and it's more common to say autistic. an autist is someone who has autism, "they are an artist" "they are an autist' as opposed to a word describing someone or something that has autism "they are artistic" "they are autistic", tho many nowadays will say things along the lines of "i love autistics" instead of "i love autistic people"

tranny

tranny is a slur towards transgender people and often trans women. due to the normalcy of slurs on 4chan most trans girls on the board self identify as trannies and the word is "reclaimed" in a way where it is often not used to be or seen as derogatory even when used by non trans people. on /tttt/ tranny means a trans woman or in rare instances a trans person more generally

tbhon

alternative form of "tbh" due to 4chan's filters

to pass

passing is a term used to mean that a trans person is viewed by others as a cis person of their gender

khhv

acronym of "kissless hugless handholdless virgin"

newfag

compound of "new" + "fag" used to refer to someone who is new to 4chan or who seems new (as in, uncomfortable with slurs, unaware of lingo, or other signifiers)

pooner

created by adding the "-er" suffix to "poon" an artificial "slur" invented by 4chan to refer to trans men, more likely to be used derogatorily than tranny but still often used nuetrally

transbian

compound of "transgender" + "lesbian" a trans person (almost exclusively trans woman) who identifies as a lesbian, can be used somewhat interchangeably with agp on /tttt/

to troon

probably from to become a "troon" tho idk for sure the act of beginning a transition, often derogatorily

bishit

trashbag_minister (Lu): “it’s… complicated”

trashbag_minister (Lu): “i’ll try to answer questions as good as i can…”

She takes him up on that in fact she asks *alot* of questions, he doesn’t do a good job answering but she thinks that’s probably her fault (everything she was saying was pretty retarded). Thinking on it more she realized that her weird feelings about it probably was more about her than it was him. So she decided she just needed some time to think.

She couldn’t really talk to anyone else about this, and when she tried looking into detransition all she found new fun ways to hate herself. Now she only had access to google and twitter which might not be the best places to look, but she wouldn’t know where to find communities where trans supportive detransitioners (detrans people? detrannies?) hung out, people like Lu… even he said he didn’t know any other detrans people, not in person or online. So instead she just thought about it, she was kinda confused but she thought to herself “what would i want someone who had no idea what transness was to do”, he just… thought he was a girl, but wasn’t (right?). Did it have to be more complicated than that? He always treated her nice, he never said transness was wrong or unnatural. And he… expected her to leave kinda, like he didn’t say it he’d just say “i’ll understand if things can’t go back because of this” bracing himself for her to not be supportive, not be kind, she *hated* that, she hated that way more than she gave a shit he used to be a tranny. He was way too kind to need to have that reaction, like he didn’t *do* anything, not to her at least. He was just… himself.

She missed him, she wanted to be near him, and she wanted him to kiss her despite his gender bullshit. Hell if she was fine with him being a tranny why not be fine with him being a “detrans” boy, he was still *her* boy…

Tranny Mona Lisa (Alice): “r u free today?”

trashbag_minister (Lu): “ye, why?”

Tranny Mona Lisa (Alice): “can i hang at urs?”

trashbag_minister (Lu): “sure thing”

Tranny Mona Lisa (Alice): “yay!”

Tranny Mona Lisa (Alice): “when will you get here btw”

trashbag_minister (Lu): “around 20 minutes”

Tranny Mona Lisa (Alice): “❤️❤️❤️❤️”

She was so excited, nervous too but more so excited. She was gonna tell him she liked him… again, but like… it’s different this time cause she knows he’ll reciprocate.

When he comes to get her, she remembers how pretty he is. She just… stares at him for a second but before too long she snaps out of it and says hi. It started to dawn on her how scary this was, like she *thinks* he likes her but she doesn’t *know* he likes her, what if the detrans thing was his way off getting her to back off. She continues to spiral about this until Lu tells her they arrived at his campus, she tries to put the words together in her head as she gets to his dorm, but by the time she’s there she hasn’t gotten far. She realizes as she was about to talk that just coming out trails blazing talking about it might be… awkward (she wouldn’t want him to think she just came here to get with him… she really does miss him). So she tries to make some meaningless conversation but…

Lu: “Is there something you wanna talk about?”

Alice: “...”

(god damn it! stop being so fucking observing you bitch)

Alice: “yeah…”

his pretty brown eyes are staring into her soul

(okay… here goes nothing)

Alice: “I don't super know what your detransition means to you…”

Alice: “... i mean, i tried to learn, but there aren’t many… resources or anything”

Alice: “anyway i don’t know what it means, but i still like *you*”

he lets out a deep breath 

Lu: “Cool…”

(cool?!? the fuck does that mean)

Alice: “...”

Alice: “Do you… like me too?”

Lu: “Oh… you meant like *like like*.”

(this fucking retard…)

Alice: “Yeah no fucking duh, also who says ‘like like’ past the age of ten”

Lu: “i don’t umm…”

(fuck fuck fuck… she shouldn’t have assumed she’s so fucking stupid)

Alice: “Do you not? It’s okay if you don’t i… just thought you did…”

Lu: “No i d-do- i do, i just…”

(SHE FUCKING KNEW IT!!!)

Lu: “You shouldn’t,,n’t l-like me.”

(oh-no what gayass shit was this faggot gonna say now… he’s lucky she finds him so cute)

Alice: “Why???”

Lu: “Be-be-be-cau-cause you can do better-ter…”

(THATS RETARDED)

Alice: “That’s retarded!”

Lu: “L-Lys! You can’t sssay that!”

(shut the fuck up you stupid virgin bitch)

Alice: “Jesus fucking christ Lu, i… i just *fucking confessed to you*, and you respond with the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard, i can respond however the fuck i god damn want!”

Lu: “go-ju-Alice! I- it’s- god like you- you- you could- could have any s-s-ssself respecting man you want, you sh-shouldn’t se–se-set-t-tle for… *me*”

Alice: “I’m not settling, i *like* you, you’re smart and caring and sweet, why wouldn’t i like you.”

he looks like he can’t even understand the language she’s speaking

Lu: “Why *w-would* you! I’m a fu-fu-fu shit fuck god damn it! I’m a- I’m a fucking pathetic little shit preten-pretending to be a man, i-i-i can b-b-b-barely even s-sb-sp-speak, i…

he’s never stuttered this much before, he’s crying and she doesn’t know why, so she just reaches out to him

Alice: “Are you okay?”

Lu: “...ye i just, it’s nothing, my brain is stupid sometimes”

(she already knew that, but he seems to be talking about something else)

Alice: “That's okay, i’m sorry for getting you worked up.

Alice: “I’m just… if you like me and i like you there isn’t any real reason not to date right?”

Lu: “But it’s more,, complicated than that-t”

(don’t blow up on him)

Alice: “Why? Why does it have to be?”

Lu: “Because of all the s-st-stuff i said.”

Alice: “But i don’t care about any of that.”

he pulls back and looks a bit away from her

Lu: “I don’t even have a f-f-d-di-dick Alice… how would that- how would that even work”

(oh shit)

Alice: “Tons of people make that work.”

Lu: “But you shouldn’t- you shoulnt have too, your boy-boyfriend should be a real man not a tr-tr-trans girl in denial”

(trans girl in denial?)

Alice: “You could be my girlfriend then, we don’t hav-”

Lu: “I don’t want to be your girlfriend!”

(she feels her insides twisting)

Alice: “...”

Alice: “ok”

after a while she says

Alice: “I want to go home”

.

.

.

Lu: “ok… can i go to the bathroom first”

Alice: “of course”

Lu walks towards his bathroom

Fuck… why was he being so retarded. Did he hate himself so much that he can’t even allow someone else to love him, fuck… did she love him… no not important, he made his feelings known, if she does she’ll… stop. She *wanted* more than anything to say all the things to make him reconsider, but it was his choice. She couldn’t *make* them be together. Fuck…

when Lu returns she wipes the tears from her face

Lu: “What’s wrong?”

(she’s gonna kill him)

Alice: “...nothing”

Lu: “mhm?”

he puts his arm around her, and she lays her head on him

(why did he have to be so comfortable)

Lu: “You don’t have to say you’re fine.”

she looks up at him

Alice: “*I am fine*”

he clearly doesn’t believe her

Lu looks like he’s trying to tie a knot with his tongue

(why does he have to talk, can’t he just let her have this)

he puts his hand on her cheek

(mgddfmnsafsdm)

Lu: “Look as your boyfriend, you should- you should tell me when you aren’t ok.”

(what the fuck is happening)

Alice: “You’re my boyfriend?”

Lu: “I mean, even if i think you have bad taste, who would i be to deny the most b-b-gorgeous woman i-i’ve ever laid eyes on”

(since when did he have game?!?)

Alice: “... i… you think i…”

Alice: “I don’t have bad taste, you’re very…”

Lu: “The point is you should tell me why you feel bad.”

(he’s so stupid, it’s great)

Alice: “I actually feel alot better now.”

as he hears that he smiles and kisses her

(bfvbwjrbwfkregbhvbdhsmbrhfbiwsfkvbsfjh)

Lu: “I hope that means you don’t have to go home right now, cause i,, i really wanna,, be with you a bit longer”

she responds by grabbing onto his shirt and nuzzling further into him

But actually tho what the fuck just happened? Lu was so confused… did Alice just ask him out, or ask him to ask her out… why? He’s so… subpar, how long had she liked him??? Her little brother always called him her “boyfriend” to tease her, but he thought the joke was cause of how… mediocre he was. He knew she would say stupid things to make him flustered but, but wasn’t that to get a reaction out of him (plus she teased all her friends). She always did sit close to him when they hung out (but like she’s a girl, girls hug and cuddle and hold each other's hands all the time… right?). Wasn’t there that guy she liked??? Was she playing a prank on him?... no she would say that’s cringe and lame probably… so she likes him. He still can’t begin to process that but, luckily he won’t have too! Since she now knows about how absolutely disgusting his body is she’ll stop having feelings real quick (yay problem solved ;~;)... this sucks, if she had just never liked him it wouldn’t have hurt this much, was she gonna grow cold… like… nvm, he didn’t want to think about that, he didn’t want to think at all actually… she was his only friend (unless you counted his roommate Tanner… he seems nice… they rarely talked tho.) why did he have to like her so much, why did she have to like him back! If she was just not interested he could repress and hide away his feelings as tho they didn’t exist, but instead she ripped his heart out of his chest and now that she knew… she would throw it away. In this moment he wished more than anything he could be a feather floating thru the wind not needing to feel emotions or have thoughts, just going where the universe takes him.

Alice was somewhat more distant than before, but Lu was surprised how much she kept in contact. They didn’t really talk about what happened, which was comforting. He didn’t need to worry about what to say or do to keep her in his life, it was as tho they had an unspoken agreement to not acknowledge it. One day she asks to hangout at his, it was just after a big test so his roommate was out at a party…

trashbag_minister (Lu): “sure thing”

Tranny Mona Lisa (Alice): “yay!”

Tranny Mona Lisa (Alice): “when wll u get here btw”

trashbag_minister (Lu): “around 20 minutes”

Tranny Mona Lisa (Alice): “❤️❤️❤️❤️”

.

.

.

She just sent him hearts, he thinks his brain is about to explode… did she used to send hearts?... he thinks so… maybe, but like it had to mean someth- no… no no no. He wasn’t going to do this, he was going to be normal. She’s his friend.

When he picked her up she waved to him and got in, the car ride was quiet, but that was normal (he was so bad at talking and driving). But when they got out she was a bit quieter than usual, she barely said a word until they got to his dorm. When they did she hesitantly started talking about her life as they often did, but it felt strange, like she was padding for time. After a couple of minutes of this he asked…

Lu: “Is there something you wanna talk about?”

Alice: “...”

she seems more nervous than he’s ever seen her

Alice: “yeah…”

(oh god, dear god, please let it be no big deal)

she is fiddling with the seam of her shirt ever so slightly

Alice: “I don't super know what your detransition means to you…”

Alice: “... i mean, i tried to learn, but there aren’t many… resources or anything”

Alice: “anyway i don’t know what it means, but i still like *you*”

he lets out a deep breath 

(thank jesus)

Lu: “Cool…”

Alice: “...”

Alice: “Do you… like me too?”

(shit)

Lu: “Oh… you meant like *like like*.”

Alice glares at him like he just said the stupidest thing in the world

Alice: “Yeah no fucking duh, also who says ‘like like’ past the age of ten”

Lu: “i don’t umm…”

Alice pulls back and once again becomes more timid

Alice: “Do you not? It’s okay if you don’t i… just thought you did…”

Lu: “No i d-do- i do, i just…”

Alice both looks affirmed and confused

Lu: “You shouldn’t,,n’t l-like me.”

Alice: “Why???”

Lu: “Be-be-be-cau-cause you can do better-ter…”

Alice: “That’s retarded!”

Lu: “L-Lys! You can’t sssay that!”

Alice: “Jesus fucking christ Lu, i… i just *fucking confessed to you*, and you respond with the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard, i can respond however the fuck i god damn want!”

Lu: “go-ju-Alice! I- it’s- god like you- you- you could- could have any s-s-ssself respecting man you want, you sh-shouldn’t se–se-set-t-tle for… *me*”

Alice: “I’m not settling, i *like* you, you’re smart and caring and sweet, why wouldn’t i like you.”

Lu: “Why *w-would* you! I’m a fu-fu-fu shit fuck god damn it! I’m a- I’m a fucking pathetic little shit preten-pretending to be a man, i-i-i can b-b-b-barely even s-sb-sp-speak, i…"

she rests a hand on him and looks in his eyes, he didn’t realize he was crying

Alice: “Are you okay?”

Lu: “...ye i just, it’s nothing, my brain is stupid sometimes”

Alice: “That's okay, i’m sorry for getting you worked up."

she smiles up at him

Alice: “I’m just… if you like me and i like you there isn’t any real reason not to date right?”

Lu: “But it’s more,, complicated than that-t”

Alice’s jaw clenches for a second but she takes a somewhat forced breath to relax

Alice: “Why? Why does it have to be?”

Lu: “Because of all the s–st-stuff i said.”

Alice: “But i don’t care about any of that.”

he pulls away from her

Lu: “I don’t even have a f-f-d-di-dick Alice… how would that- how would that even work”

she looks somewhat surprised at that, but responds quickly anyways

Alice: “Tons of people make that work.”

Lu: “But you shouldn’t- you shoulnt have too, your boy-boyfriend should be a real man not a tr-tr-trans girl in denial”

Alice: “You could be my girlfriend then, we don’t hav-”

Lu: “I don’t want to be your girlfriend!”

Alice: “...”

she looks down at her lap where her hands are gripping hard into her pants

Alice: “ok”

they sit like that awkwardly, tensely until…

Alice: “I want to go home”

.

.

.

Lu: “ok… can i go to the bathroom first”

Alice: “of course”

Lu walks into the bathroom, and sits on the floor. What was he doing? She was like the girl of his dreams, and more importantly, his best friend. Was he really gonna throw that all away because of… fuck, he entirely forgot what his point was. He was so scared. For almost a year now, ever since he detransitioned he just… accepted he would never be in a relationship again. But then Alice came in with her unending confidence and had the gall to just… like him, as he is… she didn’t care, not about his body, not about his brain, not about anything… god damn it. He walks out of the bathroom and sits next to Alice, when he approaches she seems to wipe something from her face…

Lu: “What’s wrong?”

(why did he say that jesus christ)

she looks at him like he asked her if she preferred drinking water or vegetable oil

Alice: “...nothing”

Lu: “mhm?”

she looks at the floor

before she could ask him to take her home he put his arm around her

she rests her head on his shoulder

(good sign… here goes nothing)

Lu: “You don’t have to say you’re fine.”

she looks up at him

Alice: “*I am fine*”

(she very obviously isn’t)

Lu spends some time trying to find the right words

(god damn it he is so bad at this)

he holds her cheek

Lu: “Look as your boyfriend, you should- you should tell me when you aren’t ok.”

Alice: “You’re my boyfriend?”

Lu: “I mean, even if i think you have bad taste, who would i be to deny the most b-b-gorgeous woman i-i’ve ever laid eyes on”

(that was the cringiest thing he’s ever said)

but she’s blushing very hard

Alice: “... i… you think i…”

she attempts to compose herself

Alice: “I don’t have bad taste, you’re very…”

Lu: “The point is you should tell me why you feel bad.”

she rolls her eyes but smiles

Alice: “I actually feel alot better now.”

(now Lu wasn’t so autistic that he didn’t *know* it was because of him before, but man did it feel good to hear her pretty much say she felt *better* because of him)

riding that high he kisses her once softly on the lips

Lu: “I hope that means you don’t have to go home right now, cause i,, i really wanna,, be with you a bit longer”

she responds by grabbing onto his shirt and nuzzling further into him

First off he isn’t a chaser… well he is in that he’s a “man” (we’ll get into that later) who likes trannies, but he doesn’t fit with… what you'd call the stereotype of “chaser”, but that’s not what made her come to this conclusion. No, it’s whenever she calls him a chaser he’ll visibly cringe, most men who are shameless enough to use 4chan *and* openly admit to dating tgirls are more than comfortable using chaser to describe themselves, so something about it has gotta be off to him. Secondly he’s really feminine like *super*, don’t get her wrong she wasn’t one of those weirdy homophobic girls who usually call themselves allies but would rather their boyfriend cheat on them than be bisexual, and she always knew Lu wasn’t exactly… super masculine (the idea of him doing typical straight man posturing was both ridiculous… and upsetting), but he’s *so* feminine in how he holds himself and talks... and honestly even his body (his hands are so smooth). This leads her to a simple conclusion, he isn’t *really* a chaser but instead a repper in denial (honestly she should have seen this sooner it’s a classic chaser archetype), now other girls usually talk about these chasers as bad and to be avoided, she didn’t know if this was cause there was something inherently bad about your boyfriend trooning out on you or is it’s just about the gender, due to not knowing she assumes the latter and luckily for her she’s a **massive** bishit (she has decided this as of now) and if he (or should she switch to "she"?... nah, she’ll give him the benefit of the doubt) takes the pinkpill she can still make him her girlfriend… unless he was straight technically but he obviously isn’t (he’s the dictionary definition of agp t4t transbian… except he isn’t into diapers… she hopes).

While hanging out they tended to fall into an interesting pattern whether it’s at her house in her room or at his dorm when his roommate’s out, he’ll sit at some large but not too noticeable distance away from her (he isn’t as subtle as he thinks), then while they’re talking or watching one of his shows or playing video games (well he plays she just watches, unless it’s mario kart she’s the fucking best at mario kart) she’ll move ever so closer, bit by bit so he can pull back if he wants (he never does) until she’s right next to him, she doesn’t go overboard only the sorta interactions that’d make sense for… completely platonic friends (but like… gal pal friends). Whenever she leans on him he stops making much sense like his brain is malfunctioning, and she can totally hear his heartbeat. One time she caught him looking at her and could’ve swore he was gonna kiss her… but he didn’t, ever since then he’s been a bit more distant, not much tho… just, a bit.

gsrtgsgkgnrstlhnrturwlj okay… okay… it’s okay… she’ll just wait for him to be ready, she’s okay with that, he’ll make a move… eventually,... but he *is* autistic like sooooo autistic, he might not know she’d like it, maybe if she told him… oh god…

Tranny Mona Lisa (Alice): “hey lu”

trashbag_minister (Lu): “hi”

Tranny Mona Lisa (Alice): “i have smth i wanna tell u”

.

trashbag_minister (Lu): “what is it?”

.

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she starts typing

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Tranny Mona Lisa (Alice): “if you want to date i would like that”

trashbag_minister (Lu): “oh”

Tranny Mona Lisa (Alice): “i kno u said u werent dating a while back i just”

Tranny Mona Lisa (Alice): “if u wanted to kno i guess”

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.

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trashbag_minister (Lu): “i’m detrans”

Tranny Mona Lisa (Alice): “what?”

trashbag_minister (Lu): “i was a trans girl for,, a while, but i stopped”

Tranny Mona Lisa (Alice): “i kno tht”

Tranny Mona Lisa (Alice): “or i didn’t kno u were but i kno what detran means”

Tranny Mona Lisa (Alice): “why?”

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Too anxious to wait for a response she put her phone down… fuck, he’s a detransitioner. What does that mean? Like why tho… the only detransitioners she’d seen were the bald ones on twitter saying she was in a cult, she didn’t even know trans women detransitioned, well like obviously they do at least one did, but like… she hadn’t thought about it. Is he like… one of those ex-gay people, using her in the same way an “ex” gay uses anonymous hookups on grindr to satisfy some repressed desire. Did he think his body was mutilated, or that hers was? Why did he identify as a chaser, or go on /tttt/? Did he actually like trans girls… she had thought he did but was “chaser” just an excuse to be a cis man in trans spaces? He always seemed so supportive, but she thought detransitioners hated the trans community for “ruining” their bodies. Did he hate all trans people or only himself… Was he still the same person, Her Lu?

Looking up at his ceiling he thinks about how over it is, when they meet she’s gonna realize how lame he is, and even if she’s fine with that he’ll be completely unable to hide his infatuation with her (he’s surprised he was even able to so far), and then she’ll be grossed out and not want anything to do with him. Life is hell. After a lot of pestering he agreed to hangout, at first she wanted to do it at her house (which is horrifying! what if he was a murderer, or a rapist!) but he convinced her to instead hang at a small restaurant near where she lived. He unfortunately couldn’t get her to untell him her address, but what can you do? 

After around 15 minutes of waiting for her, Alice finally arrived. Lu, waiting for her outside asked… 

Lu: “do you always come this late?” 

Alice: “well i had to walk here”

she looks at him pointedly

Alice: “if you picked me up it would have been easier.”

he doesn’t make eye contact

Lu: “u-um yea i g-guess… i just,, it uh,, would’ve seemed a bit strange no?”

Alice: “whatever you say”

They walk in and order their food. Lu can’t help but notice that her outfit tho masc enough to throw off her parents, is still incredibly attractive (and also that it compliments… nothing, absolutely nothing,... he’s normal). She looks up at him with a small smirk as she drinks, her eyes are stunningly b- no no nonononono. Taking a deep breath in, Lu decides to engage in conversation, because tho he isn’t good at talking, it is something to keep his mind… where it needs to be. They talk about the food they had and what they liked or disliked about it, they talked about the things that they usually do, friendship, hobbies, life and so on. And in that Lu had a brilliant idea.

Lu: “so have you been talking to any guys”

she picks at her napkins

Alice: “...umm there’s one i’m kinda talking to”

(jackpot)

Lu: “that’s sick! are you into him?”

she sits more upright and looks intently at her food

Alice: “ye, but it’s complicated…”

(fuck)

Lu: “how so?”

.

.

.

Alice: “i don’t think i wanna talk about this, with you”

Lu: “me?”

she goes wide eyed like she misspoke and quickly tries to correct herself

Alice: “or like, right now”

Alice: “right now i just wanna chill”

Lu: “o-oh o-o-of course, s-s-ssorry for uhh,, bringing it up”

Maybe his idea wasn’t so brilliant. He wanted to hear her talk about some guy she was obsessed with, so that his “supportive friend” drive would beat out his “god i love women” drive, but instead he touched on a sore spot… “with him” why him? did she still think he liked her (well he did but he thought was doing a good job hiding it), is it just like a guy thing, like this is something you talk about with the girlfriends not your dude friends? It was probably that. They sit in silent awkwardness for a while since he is completely unable to navigate social situations like this. Eventually the conversation picks up again, and it’s like nothing happened. After an hour or so hanging out Alice asks if he wanted to come hang at hers, he again insisted they didn’t know each other well enough but…

Alice: “cmon! we can even watch your stupid shows together!”

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.

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Lu: “f-ffine… for a bit…”

And whenever she had to deal with something stupid whether it was her parents being… themselves, her friends having way too much drama and being *way* too retarded about it, or any of the other things that came up in her life, she knew she’d talk to him about it. Now she had other friends, unlike Lu. Most of them were online but she also had a solid irl friend group. So it was pretty obvious to her that he had something about him she liked, maybe it was how stuttery and flustered he got when she flirted on vc to get a reaction out of him, maybe it was that he both knew about transness (unlike her irl cis male friend group most of who she wasn’t out to) and wasn’t very chronically online (she met most of her friends on the board or on twitter), but being honest to herself (which she hated to do), she thought it probably was because she started to like him… alot. 

Why did she like him you may ask, and she asked herself the same question once she first realized (there was no way she could be so obsessed with this autistic khhv newfag), but he was different then the other guys she knew, he wasn’t completely obsessed with sex, he had all his cute nerdy interests, he listened really well, and just generally had a good heart (maybe too good sometimes, he insists against saying retard but like that’s not even a real slur). God he doesn’t date, she can’t understand why he doesn’t date, whenever she asks he says something like “i have stuff going on” but she can *never* get him to elaborate (and she can get him to do *anything*). She *knows* he likes her, he’s too fucking autistic for her not to know. 

Alice being a fucking wreck is often entirely unable to think about him without obsessively spiraling about this. Whenever she gets into spirals like this about whatever (or usually whoever) she’s fixated on, she talks to Caitlyn. Alice and Caitlyn became the best of friends the moment they met each other. Thru a shared language of pointed insults, personal attacks, and unending support, they can always do a good job grounding each other. After one massive textdump accompanied by a plea for outside confirmation that he liked her, Caitlyn responds…

Kate 💜 (Caitlyn): "!god! i swear we have this conversation like,.,., every day"

Kate 💜 (Caitlyn): “what about this boy do you even like so much?” 

Tranny Mona Lisa (Alice):“idfk hes nice” 

Kate 💜 (Caitlyn): “babes,,, you don’t even know what he looks like :/” 

Tranny Mona Lisa (Alice):“i kno what he looks like!!!”

Tranny Mona Lisa (Alice):“he sent me a pic after i asked for it 🥰” 

Kate 💜 (Caitlyn): “oh,?, let me see.” 

Alice sends a picture of an embarrassed Lu holding his phone up confusedly as tho not having done this often, wearing a plain black t-shirt with grey shorts, he sports frizzy hair that seems to be about 2 inches long and a pathetic amount of peach fuzz growing from his upper lip and chin. 

Kate 💜 (Caitlyn): “THIS is who your simping over!?!?” 

Tranny Mona Lisa (Alice): “ye…”

Tranny Mona Lisa (Alice): “hes cute 👉👈🥺” 

Kate 💜 (Caitlyn): “he looks like a fucking pooner” 

Tranny Mona Lisa (Alice): “stfu im like prob bi so who cares” 

Kate 💜 (Caitlyn): “eww i forget youre agp.”

Kate 💜 (Caitlyn): “i literally don’t know why i talk to you smh” 

Tranny Mona Lisa (Alice): “ha fucking ha…” 

Tranny Mona Lisa (Alice): “ANYWAYSSSSSSS tell me what you think!!!!” 

Kate 💜 (Caitlyn): “idk girl he said he’s not dating or whatever so him liking you doesn’t really matter” 

Tranny Mona Lisa (Alice): “kindaaaa but, he’s gonna wann date eventually and when that is i want him to ask me out 🥺🥺🥺🥺” 

Kate 💜 (Caitlyn): “your hopeless”

trashbag_minister (Lu): “don't worry, i’m not looking to date for the moment, so i’m not gonna try and get with you or anything” 

… 

Tranny Mona Lisa (Alice): “cool jc” 

He did it!... even tho it was a bit stretched considering “the moment” was *forever* but as long as they stayed friends it's fine. 

After this, alongside their usual talking about their day and Lu telling her about this or that thing he loves, they gained a new topic of conversation, if Alice looked good. She would send him pictures “so she wouldn’t go out in a bad outfit” “to see if it might get a guy’s attention” or even after a while “because it’s funny how you respond”. She in fact often said that he took 5 minutes working on a response (he didn’t… always) which usually amounted to “you look nice” at which point she’d ask for something more specific (now that… that took him a while). These pictures proved Lu’s worst fear, she was gorgeous, like truly stunning, out of this world genetics she had only been on hormones for a bit under a year, and she had started later than Lu had but she still passed better than he ever did. He had to use all his power to not just blurt out that she’s the most beautiful woman on the face of the planet, unrivaled by even goddesses and sirens. It’s hard to keep his attraction under wraps, but he somehow managed.

The post didn’t have much information (tho it did say he lived in her part of the country so if things go well…), but it did have a discord she could add, which she did. The chaser “trashbag_minister” (the name being retarded isn’t a good sign) quickly responded to her when she said hello…

Tranny Mona Lisa (Alice): “hi”

trashbag_minister: “hello”

trashbag_minister: “how was your day”

Tranny Mona Lisa (Alice): “pretty good”

trashbag_minister: “that’s nice! how so?”

Tranny Mona Lisa (Alice): “ig it was jst slow for wrk ya kno”

Tranny Mona Lisa (Alice): “hbu”

trashbag_minister: “uhhhh,, fine. though my roomate invited me to a party that was pretty lame”

Tranny Mona Lisa (Alice): “cool”

trashbag_minister: “what do you do for fun?”

Tranny Mona Lisa (Alice): “nm like to hang w my friends mostly ig”

Tranny Mona Lisa (Alice): “wbu” 

And then as tho opening a floodgate he started talking about all the games and shows he liked, he said something about a character named eva he really liked or maybe the show was eva? Alice had a hard time paying attention, she thinks she was aware of alot of the things he mentioned because of some of her agp autist friends (maybe she’d ask Stel or Mar about it later… probably not tho), but like then she tended to tune most of it out. In all honesty tho she respected people like that who just *cared* about things even if it’s cringe (and oh god was it fucking cringe) but also like so is everything, so is she and the fucking know it all “who gives a shit” persona she has, she definitely has to give it up to those that love their retarded shit. 

After a while Alice realized that this chaser who she had learned was named “Lu” (who the fuck spells it like that) was… different. He didn’t seem to fit into any of the groupings of “chaser” she had known before (gay in denial, incel who is settling, wanna be macho man, and of course the honest to goodness girldick lover), he was at least a bit interested in her… she thought. They talked *all* the time, but he has never asked for a picture. It seemed reasonable at this point, as far as she knew the “tranny who wants a chaser friend” and “chaser who wants a tranny friend” were codes for, get to know each other, if you like their personality ask for pictures, and if you’re attracted start dating. It’s not like she was dying about him not asking or anything (obviously like this guy was kinda born to be a virgin)... she was just curious…

Fuck it they met on *4chan* she was just gonna come out and ask 

Tranny Mona Lisa (Alice): “btw r u into me?” 

.

.

.

then 

trashbag_minister starts typing

then

.

.

. 

he stops typing…

Lu never really used 4chan when he was trans, he’d heard about it, seen the filtered down sanitized memes of /tttt/ from the trans people he followed on twitter. But he never actually *used* it. At the time like many trans girls he thought of the lgbt board of 4chan as a den of self loathing that spilled out into bigotry against oneself and others, a hell site that will ruin any humanity inside you. But he was very lonely and devoid of options, and an anonymous message board seemed like the perfect place for him to gain a little access to the trans community he so missed. And after browsing the boards for the first time 4chan actually surprised Lu… well alot of it was expected (did they have to use so many slurs ;-;), but there was a humanity he hadn’t fully expected before, these were confused people with nowhere else to go… alot like him.

Tho his plan had been to only browse the site every so often, he ended up being a regular lurker, and even got into the habit of giving the girls there advice… tho he mostly just said stupid cliches about “love yourself” or telling them that *obviously that guy likes you stop overthinking it*, he couldn’t give much transition advice considering he was a privileged rogd youngshit who not only failed at being a man, but a woman too. And this relationship to the trans community was good, he got to experience the internal lives of other people who had this more unique experience of gender without going back into the community he had given up on… hell he even learned about reppers if he’d known about them before he might’ve called himself that (probably not to other people tho… imagine trying to explain that to your dad). This was good…

But after a while the anonymity that drew him here started to strain, he knew he wanted *real connection* to the community even tho he also knew that that was an awful idea. This urge, felt especially strongly one night after a party he completely and utterly failed to enjoy, led him to make his first post. 

looking for trans friends

i’m a 19 year old chaser living in [region] and i want to make more trans friends

here’s a discord you can add [discord info]

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After a couple replies calling him retarded and making fun of his wording (he thought he did a good job?) he finally gets a ping on discord…