Bunny's Daddy

I was messaging with someone whose sub safe worded. They were absolutely devastated. I felt it could be helpful to condense the discussion into a general informative post. I’ll say now that I strongly believe safe words are ALWAYS necessary, regardless of your comfort level with a person, the length of your relationship, etc. It never hurts to have one and can be disastrous to not. Same thing with ‘no limits’ relationships. Everyone has limits, and you might not be aware some of them until it’s too late. It’s irresponsible to go into a scene without one.

Having incremental safe words can also be quite helpful for when the sub doesn’t want the whole scene to stop, just the current action to stop or lessen in intensity. Red and yellow are commonly used for this. For example, last week, Master was using a crop extremely hard on my butt while I was cuffed to the bed with a vibrator stuck in me. The pain got to be too much, but everything else was fine. Our protocol for the ‘yellow’ safe word is to stop all active stimulation and explain exactly what is too much and what’s ok. In that case, the crop stopped but I remained tied with the vibrator in while I told him that the strokes were too hard but we’re ok to continue more lightly. Feel free to use or adapt this system yourself.

FOR DOMS: So, you’re in a scene, and your partner safe words. What do you do? Well, if you’re human, you probably panic a bit. More on that later. You need to overcome those emotions and IMMEDIATELY stop the scene and go to go to aftercare. Give them positive reinforcement for communicating their needs. It can be scary to safe word, especially if you’re early on in your relationship. Once they’re in a better headspace, which can mean later that day or later that week, you need to figure out what went wrong so you can learn and show that you care.

After your sub is feeling safe again, you need to make sure YOU are ok. I’m primarily a sub, but I take on a dominant role sometimes, both because I enjoy it as well as to help me understand the dominant’s perspective (I suggest everyone swap roles with their partner, it really helps), so I totally understand feeling devastated when your sub safe words. It feels like you’ve failed them. You hurt the person you promised to protect. But it’s not the end of the world or the relationship if you act responsibly. All parties should be aware of the inherent risks before entering a scene. They accepted the possibility that a line would be crossed, and trusted you to help them in that case. It’s ok.

FOR SUBS: Great job on communicating and not letting yourself get hurt. It’s incredibly vital. You’re not a bad sub for having limits; in fact, you’re so much better for it! Let your Dom/me take care of you. Try to relax. DO NOT apologize for safe wording. It’s your right and is absolutely necessary for safe BDSM. When you can, let your Dom/me know what went wrong and how to avoid it next time.

Surprisingly, the aftermath of a safe word can also be where we’re needed the most. Once you feel able to, comfort your Dom/me. Reassure them that you’re ok (assuming you are), that they’re not a bad person, and that you still love them, if it’s appropriate. Safe wording is incredibly jarring for them, as it immediately snaps the Dom/me out of their headspace. They may be dealing with Dom drop, which is essentially the same thing as sub drop.

Just breathe