Xandra

the role of the person in the passenger seat is not only navigator but secretary as well. you have to type up the drivers messages to random ladies on facebook about cbd cream & google whether that billy joel song was the theme song for that show or not

you also have to provide a henchmans disdainful scowl at whoever the driver is flipping off in the target parking lot

You should never forget the Tommy Gun

World Heritage Post

I'm not british but "daft cunt" is such a funny insult but I couldn't say it without sounding like one myself

It's a shame they aren't making music anymore

this lettuce smells like dog

you bought dog lettuce

These are the most fuckable bookshelves I’ve ever seen

everyone jokes about the pope's hat but most people don't know it actually serves an important purpose! evolutionary threat display to assert dominance against rival bishops

Common misconception, but popes are not bred. Rather, like the matriarchy of clownfish, when a pope dies, the strongest of the bishops takes his place

actually it's more akin to a hive (with strict gender-based hierarchical work division) where larval bishops are fed queen jelly, prompting their transformation into pseudo-popes, at which point they are left to death battle it out winner takes all

I don’t think that’s true

no it's true i checked

My liege im sorry to break it to you but your advisor that's actually evil and wants you dead turned out to be straight. I know you really wanted to have an enemies to lovers situation with him. Yeah I'm afraid the poisoning didn't hold any romantic intent behind it. The king of the enemy kingdom is bisexual though, I could send him a letter? Yes, I'll make sure to include multiple threats of homoerotic nature. You will have your toxic yaoi, my liege

I love this so much

Angel on my left shoulder telling me to do good. Devil on my right shoulder telling me to do bad. Rat on my head teaching me how to cook

and does the rat itself not have shoulders…. much to consider here.

Does the rat itself not have a head.... much to consider here.

reblog to summon godzilla directly into washington dc

“I’m only saying this for foreshadowing purposes”

“this’ll make more sense when you meet your nemesis but-”

“shit that’s not in the script”

“i thought we cancelled this story arc”

“Probably gonna rewrite this later so-”

“oof that’ll hit the ratings”

“that’s not gonna make it past the censors”

“i’m still amazed this project got greenlit”

“in this political climate???”

Crazy how 6 years later, the quirky inserts just became mainstream vernacular. Aint that right, chat?

reality jumped the shark so bad the whole writer’s room got fired and now we’re all meta-aware

tried to hatch an easter egg once

I- I don’t think I wanna know

didn't have a heat lamp so i kept it under my armpit for a week

If this were anyone else I'd be confident this is a bit

it was elementary school. the year before our class hatched a batch of chickens in an incubator, i knew they needed heat. plus i didn't want an adult to confiscate it. during class i alternated between my hoodie pocket and my armpit (warmer). solid logic

Was it a plastic one or a painted one?

well see that was the big issue

Answer the question gaud

You see Gaud, I don't believe you. You absolutely saw a forgotten Easter egg and tried to hatch it

Did it break while under your armpit??! Gaud!

see we were doing timed multiplication tables practice sheets (top 3 students get candy) and i was so focused on the adrenaline of beating jonah (who was threatening my winning streak) and out of habit i stowed the egg in my armpit (as one does) but i chose the wrong armpit and when i realized it was already too late i had my pencil in hand and the countdown was on and candy and pride was on the line my elbow was already moving

Dude I want to be a Librarian or a Teacher so bad but I cannot afford to live that way.