X MARKS THE MUSE

so, i absolutely love cooking! it's a passion of mine, i've been cooking for my family for years, people seem to find my food edible enough, and i recently found myself unable to cook at all for about a week, resulting in this little list coming into existence! i'm most likely going to make more of these, simply because the dynamics in a kitchen are varied as hell, right? we have romantic couples who cook together as a hobby, there's professional restaurant kitchen settings, baking oriented stuff, cooking with kids, there's a LOT to be done w the topic! so these are more for the chaos of someone who cannot boil an egg to save their life, vs. someone who enjoys cooking and is widely considered to be a dab hand at it! DO NOT ADD TO THIS LIST! but i do hope you enjoy it as much as i enjoyed making it!

" hey, hey, it's okay! we'll scrape off the burnt bits! "

" here, let me chop the onions, okay? you can dice the peppers and beef; just be sure to do them on separate boards, yeah? "

" you... you know the wine was for the stew, don't you?! "

" i swear to you, i don't know how this happened. i followed every single instruction, word for word! "

" taste this and tell me what you think! "

" oh my god... this is AMAZING! you should have your own cooking show! "

" you're kidding me! no way this whole thing is vegan! it's just too good! "

" so, um... i might have possibly accidentally tipped the entire jar of cayenne pepper into the soup... and by might have, i mean definitely. "

" i think i'm gonna have to ask you to leave the kitchen before you hurt somebody. "

" it says here to fold in the eggs... now, tell me, how exactly does one do that? "

" i might have over-exaggerated my cooking skills... and blown up the oven. "

" look, it sounds gross, but i'm telling you, when it's cooked right, it's the best thing ever! "

" i lied to my date and now they think i'm this amazing cook when i'm absolutely not, so please, can you spare me the lecture and just teach me how to cook? "

" woah, woah, woah... try chopping like this. yeah, that's it. you won't chop off your hand this way. "

" so, um... how exactly did it manage to stay frozen solid on the inside, but scorch to a crisp on the outside? "

" okay, remember when it asked for fifty grams of sugar? yeah. i accidentally used salt. "

" well, at least we know the smoke alarms work, right? "

" i ruined three knives, i have a roast chicken embedded in my ceiling, my oven officially needs therapy, and so do i! wanna call it quits and order a pizza? "

" i swear, you're one of those kitchen gods who can make ice cubes taste fantastic! "

" this is the fun part! take that tenderiser, and beat the absolute crap out of that pile of steaks. "

" i'm trying so hard not to judge you right now, but... onion goggles?! "

" how on earth did you get pasta sauce on the ceiling? "

" you know every single firefighter in town knows my name? and my top three favorite comfort foods to bring each time i trigger the fire alarm? yeah. that's my culinary reputation. "

" hey. it's okay. this isn't the first time i've burnt dinner. i have taco bell on speed dial. "

" sometimes recipes just don't work out. and that's okay! what matters is that you tried. "

" i didn't realize it was even possible to burn water! "

" ah... i see where you went wrong. the recipe uses paprika. this is chilli powder. "

" quit eating the batter, or we'll have no cupcakes at all! "

" no! no way. i'm not tasting anything cooked by you; not since your orange juice gave me food poisoning. "

" the last time i tried to cook, my pot roast ended up on fire and put a hole in my dry wall. i had to hang paintings over it until i could refill the crater. "

" no, you cannot cook chicken medium-rare. wanna know why? because that means it's raw. and you'll end up with food poisoning. and i'll have to tell you what a moron you were to even think that was an acceptable thing to do in the first place. "

" i thought you teaching me how to cook would be all soft and friendly, like the great british bake-off! but it's more like hell's kitchen. "

" no tears in my kitchen, thank you! "

" six fires in three hours is your personal best! only problem is, we're making fruit salad... "

　　　　STAY OFF THE HOOK …!☆

　an independent, canon divergent portrayal of splatoon’s PEARL. writer is new to tumblr roleplay .. not really new to character portrayal. crossover & OC friendly. .. selective. she/it ic & ooc .. sincerely, CELESTIA! writer & muse are 18+.

found that there was a lack of text memes i personally liked, so i figured i’d just make one myself!! feel free to alter whatever you need to make it fit your muses better <3

[ sms ]: i know you don’t know me that well, but i wanted to check in after last night.

[ sms ]: oh, i’ve heard of you! [name] has told me so much about you!

[ sms ]: hi there! we’re number neighbors, what’s your name?

[ sms ]: i swear i’m not ignoring you, i just forget people exist sometimes

[ sms ]: i’m not really a big phone call kind of person,

[ sms ]: this is [receiver’s name], right? it’s [sender’s name] from yesterday!!

[ sms ]: sorry i left in a hurry, something came up…

[ sms ]: good morning! i’ve had three hours of sleep and i’m about to make it everyone else’s problem.

[ sms ]: what do you mean you “fell asleep”, i sent that days ago??

[ sms ]: if you’re not busy, could we hang out today?

[ sms ]: i miss talking to you

[ sms ]: be ready to call 911, i have a stupid idea

[ sms ]: speaking of pretty people, let’s talk about me!!

[ sms ]: today doesn’t feel right without you

[ sms ]: if you don’t reply asap, i’m sending you the bee movie script. all of it.

[ sms ]: it’s 3 am, why are you awake?

[ sms ]: is that a threat or are you flirting with me?

[ sms ]: i want to have breakfast with you for the rest of my life.

[ sms ]: good morning, my [ridiculous and/or sappy pet name]!!

[ sms ]: this date is going horribly, can you call me so i can leave?

[ sms ]: do you want to go with me to the movies tonight?

[ sms ]: my friends don’t like you, but i do.

[ sms ]: you’re lucky you’re cute >:(

[ sms ]: i want you to meet my family, is that alright?

[ sms ]: my parents are already asking when we’re getting married…

[ sms ]: i’m starting to think you’re only dating me for my [pet] :/

[ sms ]: so, how are things with that person you were crushing on?

[ sms ]: you don’t look so good. do you want to get out of here?

[ sms ]: do you need me to come pick you up?

[ sms ]: call me if anything goes wrong, okay?

[ sms ]: [receiver’s name]? i heard what happened, are you alright?

[ sms ]: please call me as soon as possible.

[ sms ]: are you sure that’s for the best?

[ sms ]: putting “lmao” behind a message like that doesn’t make it any less serious,

[ sms ]: i think you need to talk to a therapist.

[ sms ]: will you please tell me what i did wrong?

[ sms ]: can you just pick up the phone?

[ sms ]: stop calling me.

[ sms ]: block my number.

[ sms ]: so are you leaving me on read to be petty, or…

[ sms ]: this isn’t really a conversation to have over text.

these are more for the rescuer, but i might make another list for the rescued later bc OOF nonnie these were deliciously emotional!!! here's hoping they make these trying times a little less trying!

" never leave a man/woman/person behind, right? "

" can you walk/move? "

" i never thought i'd be so happy to see your stupid face again! "

" shh!! don't speak, okay? we gotta be quiet if we wanna get out of here... "

" don't worry. i took out the cctv cameras. "

" come here... oh, it's okay, it's all okay... we're rounding up the people who did this. there's enough evidence to put them away for lifetimes. it's all over now... "

" jesus... what have they done to you... "

" hey! hey, wake up! come on now, we didn't come all this way, right? stay with me! i'm bringing you home! "

" hey... it's alright, now. it's okay. i got you... i got you. "

" god, i thought they'd killed you... never been so happy to be wrong in my life. "

" i never thought i'd see you again... "

" alright, loop your arm around my shoulders... i got you, that's right. "

" don't worry. the guards are a little tied up at the minute. "

" wait! what about the other captives? "

" hey. i'm not going anywhere without you. that's a promise. "

" i'm gonna need to carry you. i know, i know... just put your arm around my neck. "

" how's your aim? i might need someone to cover my back while we get out of here. "

" what did these bastards do to you... "

" look at me. hey. look at me. i'm getting you out of here. "

" move away from the door, okay? i gotta break it down. let me know when you're moved away, got it? "

" it's okay... i'm here now... "

" move, quickly! the truck is down those steps. i'm right behind you! "

" you didn't think we'd just abandon you, did you? "

" oh, god... okay, alright, don't panic. okay? medics are on the way, just hang in there... "

" you're alive! "

" you've got some very worried friends who'll be happy to see you again. "

" the people who took you are being arrested as we speak. "

" it's alright... you're safe now... "

" there's a whole lot of people who've been searching for you. "

" here. you're shaking; take my jacket. it's time to bring you home. "

" i know, i know it hurts, just... look! we're almost there, see 'em? see the medics? just hang in there, we're almost there! "

" you're a survivor, there's no question about it! let's get you out of here. "