Gym membership packages, in Shouts & Murmurs:
That Guy in Cutoff Sweatpants Whoās Just Here to Meet Girls Pass
This pass is exclusively for Mitch, that guy flexing at the water fountain. Hey, Mitch. Applications for this pass are no longer being accepted. It costs the gym too much in sexual-harassment lawsuits and towel laundering.
Those wishing to be put on the waiting list for this membership must try to find Mitch a girlfriend first.
Illustration by Nishant Choksi
I wrote this for you.
















