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Gym membership packages, in Shouts & Murmurs:

That Guy in Cutoff Sweatpants Who’s Just Here to Meet Girls Pass

This pass is exclusively for Mitch, that guy flexing at the water fountain. Hey, Mitch. Applications for this pass are no longer being accepted. It costs the gym too much in sexual-harassment lawsuits and towel laundering.

Those wishing to be put on the waiting list for this membership must try to find Mitch a girlfriend first.

In Shouts & Murmurs, Susanna Wolff creates a list of questions to end a relationship:

1. Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you like to punch in the face?

Susanna Wolff imagines a training session for smug dog owners: http://nyr.kr/1do6lNh

“During the next lap, I’d like you to make your first attempt at seemingly pleasant but actually very rude small talk. Your new life as a smug dog owner will involve lots of forced conversations with strangers, and it’s important that you never miss a chance to make these people feel terrible while they’re picking up another creature’s fecal matter at six-thirty in the morning.”