break the chain

“i can’t say there was as much excitement for me. most of what i did was carry lady yerim through a muddy jungle.” whenever rain drums against his roof, he imagines himself back in that lifeless thicket. no military march could compare to the endless trek of it.

jiyu seems a bit too quick to guarantee his brother is fine, but nara doesn't push it. if he isn't it's not truly her place to know – and besides, who is really fine what happened? especially those like nara and jiyu, who fell into the lava, they have the right not to be fine, but she doubts either of them will ever admit it aloud. you never know who can explore your weakness, no matter how much of a friend they sound like.

"thank you, we're much better now that we're together." that much is true. the worst part of being away was not the things she had to live through, but the constant reminder that her siblings were left behind, that they were separated. "as you can imagine, it was particularly traumatic for us to be separated after the things we went through the last couple of years." she doesn't need to specify, jiyu knows. everyone knows of house choi's misfortune. to look like an united front right now is even more important than before.

nara looks at the pieces, choosing hers carefully. she is rusty and jiyu is a great opponent, a navy commander such as himself surely has a much sharper mind for strategy than her. as he speaks she smiles at him, how courteous of him to not say anything about her running away, though nara is sure is not without second intentions.

“nara?!” is the first name she calls out the moment she enters the house, her steps clumsy, pulling her arm out of every servant’s grasp attempting to keep her steady. they could be asleep for all she cares, she needs to make sure her sister is here.

still unsure of what to make out of the whole experience, nara's chest feels heavy. there is too much to think about, too much uncertainty about the future, but for once she is not thinking about what her next move will be, how all of this will impact her family politically speaking. she's thinking about her siblings, about being with all of them. they've gone through so much already, they can't be separated.

she's still thinking about this when she hears the noises at the gates, someone is there. but not just anyone. if nara told that to other people, they wouldn't understand, but she knows who it is before she even goes to the entrance. maybe their shared tragedy has made them all extra aware of each other, but nara senses when of her siblings are around.

and so, she leaves her room in a hurry, going down the stairs two steps at time, no concern about herself as she rushes to the entrance just in time to hear her sister yell. of course yura would make this much noise when coming back home.

it seems as if nara's life is all about visiting people and receiving visits. an endless stream of polite conversations over tea, mild conversations about the weather, about this or that court gossip. the days go by and people seem to forget what happened at the bae estate, or rather, pretend that it didn't happen at all.

but nara remembers, her mind and body still carry the trauma of her nights in the spirit world, the countless nightmares she was forced to live through. it's impossible to forget or pretend it wasn't important, it's in her now, another bad thing to add to the list of infortunes that happened in her life in the past few years.

she can't let it show in front of her siblings, of course. lady nara is head of house choi, and she must be their safe harbor. but the truth is, nara is tired. her body is lethargic, her mind is dizzy. she wants, even if for a few hours, not to be herself. she wants to pass the responsibilities to someone else and just be.

there is someone else who she knows feels the same, someone with who she has shared secret grievances over the years. and so, when nara enters the residence of house hino, she is doesn't do so as head of house choi.

Geonwoo brings the tea cup to his lips, his fingers trembling slightly. Gentle enough for him not to notice. "I thought you... dead... both of you..." He admits softly, the weight of his words hanging heavy in the air — weighted enough to slightly bow his head. I thought we would have to pick up the pieces on our own. "

nara studies her brother, pays attention to every detail about him. how she missed him, her little brother who used to follow her around when he was little and who fought over their father's attention as he grew up and who now is a man, bearing the burden of being left behind the best he can.

she doesn't comment on his tear, knows geonwoo would hate if she did so. it's fine, she knows that he loves her even though he might not say it. "belive me, i'm in shock too." it's still difficult to believe she's home, safe among her siblings, and not trapped in the spirit world, still running from the terrible creature that tried to keep her there.

it's best, nara thinks, if she doesn't tell him any details for now. maybe in the future, when they're all together again, they can sit down and nara will tell them the things she saw. but they're too much for now, she decides.

"yura is fine, don't worry," nara is quick to calm him. they're always at odds, those two, but they love each other. "we may not be entirely fine yet, but we will be. we're together now." she smiles at him, squeezing his hand, refusing to let it go. she needs to touch geonwoo, to feel him here, with her.

Geonwoo, at last, finds the wherewithal to examine his fellow royal guard in front of him. Injured as well; unfortunately expected. He reaches out, hand firm against his nape. His eyes search his in the building's fiery glow. Has he, too, lost? The extent of his injuries? The Choi furrows his brows. Suddenly, you care so much? "You live." The statement is firm, pushed through grit teeth as he finally stands, his body heavy against the wall. "Report..." shortness of breath lends him little space for words, but determination of duty forces them out. "Have you seen... any further signs... ? House Yi..."

suguru stays close to geonwoo, afraid he'll fall back after sitting up. smoke makes it difficult to breathe, and he keeps a hand on geonwoo's shoulder, supporting him. "yes, i live." though how so, suguru isn't sure. even now, his mind is still clouded with all the smoke and the noise.

he pays attention to geonwoo's words, they weigh in his chest. "i haven't seen anyone." and he looked. he yelled, looked under every possible hiding corner, did his best to move burned furniture around and look for any survivors, or worse, their bodies. "they're not here." the feeling of impotence threatens to drown him, but he has no time to dwell in it. there will be time in the future, he is sure of it, but for now it's important to move, to seek safety, both for him and geonwoo.

"we need to go, geonwoo," he repeats, supporting geonwoo's weight. his broken arm hurts so badly had suguru been an untrained person he would be crying. but this is what he was made for, moments of battle, of when he can be of help. this is his own purpose in this world and by all the spirits he will fulfill it.

sometimes suguru feels like a strange in his own house. he spends so much time working, walking around, with friends that being in house ito's residence is a change of pace. he was raised a lord and as such he knows the rules of hospitality, that any guests should be brought to their large tea room and offered food and beverage. but suguru thinks he can skip formalities with hyungjun, they've known each other for long enough for it not to be considered rude.

so instead of taking his friend to any room, suguru takes him to the courtyard, where he and other ito family members practice. it's a large space with a shaded area covered by trees and with comfortable chairs for when the head of house decides to watch his men practice, make sure they are up to the high standards house ito sets for itself.

now, however, it's just the two of them in the afternoon, almost evening. a servant brings them tea, and though suguru would rather drink alcohol he has promised rei he will abstain for a while, until his arm is better, so he makes do with what he has.

not that jiyu’s a great philosopher, or all that knowledgeable on the common talking points. suguru’s alternative suggestion is much more enticing anyway; jiyu does come, slips one hand up into suguru’s hair and takes his own weight with the other. kissing the man beneath him is terribly easy. jiyu only lets up when his arm starts protesting, already tired after their sparring, and leans back to shift. “if you want dinner, i think we should have the servants prepare it now.” before they catch them naked.

suguru rolls his eyes at the teasing, knowing well that jiyu didn't mean anything by it. jiyu has far harsher words when he wants them to hurt. suguru hasn't been at the receiving end of them, but he has seen the other man out there in the sea and reminding some less enthusiastic soldiers of the discipline expected of the fire nation navy. but he will admit that the kiss on his collarbone to soften the blow is quite nice.

"i looked the exact way i look now, you're just being nostalgic." or rather, jiyu must prefer to be out in the sea than in land. suguru worked long enough in the navy to know that it is quite common among some, they develop a taste for being away from land – and certain people, and responsibility – and would rather be at the sea at all times.

at his next words, however, suguru scoffs. "now, commander, don't lie," he says, fingers brushing through jiyu's hair. "we both know that the only fun we'd have in your cabin is talking fight strategy." after all, suguru worked under him for three years, and despite his commander openly staring at him – suguru was not blind to those looks, as he's sure jiyu wasn't to his – he was never inappropriate. no, jiyu is not the type of person who would jeopardize his position for a subordinate, now matter how attractive they are.

"I hope this request does not distress you, lady Nara." She set down her tea cup. "Our friendship is more valuable to me than this knowledge, and I understand the risk you would have to take, sharing what you know." Wanning paused there for a moment. "This is my personal interest. The rest of my house is unaware. No matter the outcome, this conversation will remain private between us." She looked down at her hands and suddenly smiled. "Who knows if I would even be any good at lavabending. I heard the techniques are quite advanced."

nara had already guessed what wanning wants, but she lets the other woman speak, her expression remaining neutral as she does so. it's not the first time someone has asked her for lavabending lessons and it probably won't be the last, as it is a quite powerful technique. she takes a sip of her tea, thinking it over.

before, nara was not happy with the fire lord's decision of forbidding house choi from teaching lavabending. she was raised to be an instructor, worked many years as one, and as such all she wanted was to share her knowledge. besides, nara always thought, wouldn't it be in the fire nation's best interest to have more lavabenders? their military forces are already strong, but they could be even better if more soldiers were trained in advanced techniques.

but now she can't help but see the advantage of keeping it in the choi family. they are quite the asset, or will be if their nation ever breaks into war again – she hopes it won't come to it in her lifetime, for nara wishes for nothing but peace, but one has to be prepared.

     ❝ with that kind of threat , ❞ he sighs as if providing nara with not only a distraction from this event but also being the excuse for others to not approach her was a selfless act of sacrifice, as if she wasn't doing the exact same to him. ❝ am i really in a position to decline ? ❞ he jests once again and then takes another sip of his wine. ❝ what kind of entertainment would you like to have today , lady choi ? ❞

nara understands taesung's words perfectly, the tone of contempt one she shares. these events have always been the bane of her existence, but as the head of house choi she is forced to partake in them, indulge many lords and ladies in mind numbing small talk and smile through it all. some people serve their houses in the battlefield, but this is where nara must fulfill her duties, in the halls of great houses. it could be worse, she supposes.

at taesung's teasing she chuckles. "please my lord, you are way above my station," she says, still smiling. "besides, i'm the head of my house and one day you will be of yours, neither of us would give up that position." nara knows that she wouldn't. love or not, she was raised to lead house choi, and that she will do. it's her responsibility to take care of her siblings, and she won't pass that along to anyone. "i suppose we're fated to be party companions," she adds, as if that is such a terrible fate. if she can spend all her parties drinking and talking to taesung nara will consider herself lucky.

she hums, taking a sip of her drink and looking around the hall, as if taesung posed her a deep philosophical question and not a jest. "how about you tell me a story? i'm sure someone like you must have many interesting tales of people who ask you for all sorts of advice." nara herself has consulted with taesung from time to time, but always keeping in mind that he will always favor his own family first. but isn't that the same with all of them?

the healers had told suguru that his arm is healing just fine, just a couple more weeks, my lord, and you'll be as good as new. but it's not easy, not to him. he still doesn't have a grip on a sword with his broken arm, and still can't raise it properly. weeks until he can finally go back to his practice, holding both swords like extensions of himself, weeks until he's finally himself again.

and this is why he feels restless, more than usual. meditating isn't helping, and his work hours have been greatly reduced until he's fully healed – after all, what use can they have for a guard with just one arm? what is he useful for if not for fighting? that is what keeps suguru awake at night, the notion that when he can't hold his swords he is of no use, and if he's of no use he might as well just die.

this is his true problem, suguru doesn't know who he is outside of violence.

there are others he could talk to about it. taesung would hear him, if he spoke. and mostly, taesung would know what to say to him. jiyu would understand him better than anyone, but suguru doesn't want to burden him with this or anything else, he already has enough on his plate as it is. even lady aera, sweet lady aera, would listen to his troubles, but the last thing suguru wants now is to look at her too kind expression.

so there is only one person he can turn to.

suguru makes his way to jihoon's library at closing time, stopping by the door to take the whole place in. it brings back memories, and he can easily spot all the places they pressed each other against stacks of books, desperate for release. well, he is not there for that today. when he sees jihoon, suguru smirks, holding the bottle he has been holding with his good hand.

he places his first tile to start them off again. leans back on the cushion, satisfied - now that they’ve made their way through polite chitchat he’s free to broach more interesting topics, to play the game more seriously. “i’ve been hearing whispers,” he comments idly, searches for a reaction on her face. "my brother was gone just as long as you were, and the story he tells is wondrous." jian hasn't, in fact, told stories, but jiyu has his own to tell if she asks. "i wonder what yours is."

of all the things her parents prepared her to do, this is perhaps the easiest one. visiting other nobles, paying her respects. even now, as she and jiyu sit in front of the pai sho board, she can remember her mother's words of advice, that a lady should always be proper and polite, that a choi should never show weakness. their flame is unlike all others, born out of a volcano, prone to explode.

so nara controls herself when jiyu gives her an easy win. is he holding himself back or underestimating her, she wonders. maybe a little bit of both, she thinks. jiyu is too smart to think she is inoffensive, and as true commander he assess her to know how much damage she could cause. not much, nara fears. certainly not as much as she wishes to do, sometimes.

she looks at his choice of starter and makes her move accordingly. she's rust after two years of barely playing, her siblings not enjoying the game as much as she does, but she can keep up with him. it's a game of practice, but one never forgets once they learn how to play. at jiyu's words, nara looks up at him, concern on her face.

"he is alright now, i hope," she says, half out of genuine concern, half just to know. it's always important to know where a house like zhao stands and how their head is doing. jiyu is fishing for information, and nara ponders on what to give him – it's the only way to get something in return, after all.

In that time, he feared — dreaded — the idea of her death along with Yura. The loss of another two of his family members took a toll on him that outweighed the horrors of that night that still linger in his mind. He suffers the paranoia of another attack the entirety of his time at the Bae estate, convinced their proximity to the incidents site would put them at greater risk. Had he slept more than a few hours a day since the chaos? He is not so sure these days. Those two months came and went in a blink, passing as a waking nightmare of foreboding aftermath.

"choi geonwoo, don't like to me, you're not fine." she keeps him in place with gentle hands on his arms, assessing the damage he took. the choi family is made of fighters, but that doesn't mean she doesn't worry. geonwoo is her brother, blood of her blood, and sometimes the fear of losing him so soon like she lost their parents paralyzes her. "have you seen a healer? is aera treating you?" she'll feel better once their sister tells her that geonwoo is fine.

but for now she drops her arms, taking one of geonwoo's hands in hers. "come," she says, pulling him into their house. "let's sit and i'll tell you what happened." once inside, nara tells the servants to bring tea and food, to prepare geonwoo's chambers and a bath, so he can rest later. she had busied herself with household keeping after coming back, and their house looks pristine and ready for them to be there as a family again.

once they are seated, nara still by his side, still holding his hand, she relaxes. "yes, i was taken to the spirit world." there is no need in lying, though she can see the doubt in geonwoo's eyes. "i wouldn't have believed if i hadn't lived it myself, but i was there this whole time." her stay there is still fresh in her mind, painfully so. at the memory of the nightmares she lived, nara recoils. but it's fine, she reminds herself, she is back home.

there is a part of nara that is missing, that place in her soul where she felt inner peace. now, every evening she stares at the sky, wishing for it to return, longing for how she was before. as evening turns into night and she lies in her bed, she feels nothing but dread – deep in her bones, eating the marrow. the thing that haunted and hunted her is gone, she keeps one dried lotus flower to remind herself, but still sleep won't come to her.

her nightmares are her own doing, but they still startle her awake, panting and sweating and screaming and begging the spirits for the bliss of a dreamless sleep. when she lies down again, it's worse, she stays awake, looking at the darkness of her room, waiting for something to come, something to happen, for things to go bad.

even after the passing of her parents she could still sleep. most nights it was after hours of crying, eyes swollen and face red, but the next morning she would still wake up feeling somewhat rested, ready to take on the world. now, however, dawn brings her no comfort. her body feels heavy, her mind feels dizzy. she wants to sleep, even if it's just for a night, but her own mind won't let her.

she knows that only one person can help her now, though she is reluctant to ask for her help. aera is a competent healer, the best nara knows, but she is her sister and she will worry, and that is not what nara wants. still, she can't imagine confiding her fears and showing weakness to someone outside of the family – the choi keep to themselves, as it is known.