WhatTheHell!

spending my birthday without you

it feels as though something is missing

the giggles and jokes

the sly comments and the reminder how important you are in this world

it’s your presence really

I used to feel like it was like breathing

I’d be having a shit time and you’d be there

instant breath of fresh air

it was almost healing

like no matter what you are there, always

well its 10:46 pm and im laying thinking

this is really it

i always see a girl that looks just like you

the whole world just stops and my stomach drops

and i just stand there holding my breath looking at someone who isn’t you

while my heart just breaks

That saying goes “what is meant for you will come back”

but why do i keep seeing different versions of you

it is infuriating

every moment spent without you

feels suffocating

your face is what my eyes look for in a crowded room

and when you are not there

i feel emptiness

you are a part of me for what it’ll feels like,

my entire life

they say the universe won’t allow you to cross paths with someone who’s no longer in your life if it’s not meant to be

As months go by, i’ve come to the realization that it might be true

which breaks the entirety of my heart and being

i wish and pray for you everyday to have the best life

all the good life has to offer

you are a precious human being

Long dark hair, slightly curled

White knitted sweater

Those strapped loafers you love

She looked just like you

And my heart ached

I’m not sure if it’s because my anxiety has been so bad lately

how you cross my mind at least once a day

everyone says it’s okay that I miss you

because of the impact you had on me

but sometimes it doesn’t feel okay

it’s not okay that it makes me physically sick

it’s not okay that i know that this was our last try to make it work

it’s not okay that a piece of me always feels missing

Its not okay that we don’t share this life together

you’re gone again but this isn’t like last time

this time I recognize the feeling

sitting in a crowded room that feels quiet

breathing but your chest isn’t moving

i think it’s best if we keep our distance she says

even though this whole state feels no bigger than a room with her in it

my home is broken but it never seemed stable

the foundation was corrupted by unspoken expectation and zero trust

hopeful because love was enough

taking off these heart shaped glasses

laughter turns to shouting, long gazed turns to cold stares, heart full of love but now my heart hurts

who do we become as time passes

people who ends up hating one another? Love turned to hatred? Disgust? Disappointment?

you held my heart in your hand and kicked it around like a rock on the sidewalk

so the sky turns grey, my hands go cold

i recognize this feeling

my days will continue

the world won’t stop spinning

rooms will get louder and breathing will be easier

When i can sit in a room full of people and acknowledge them

When crazy shit happens to me and I don’t feel the automatic feeling of telling you first

When the sky turns pink and I just fall in love with it, just cause

But there’s days i miss us laughing for hours sharing details about ourselves

when I was the only person who knew your soul

There’s days when my heart honestly aches for you

Maybe not in a romantic way but a platonic “you’re my best friend” “you’re home”

But I know the world keeps turning and we grow and change. I guess I just never wanted us to change.

So i hold those memories close and they live forever in my heart

Sightseeing, night drinking, giggling “I love spending time with you,” they say… until the next morning.

I always have a hard time staying asleep after nights like those.

It keeps me up at night, those thoughts

“People like the idea of me” the escape, the warm breeze, the thrill of somewhere new.

I’ve felt like home in people who only saw me as a vacation.

Something temporary.

A beautiful adventure before they go home

Just like hawaii..pretty in their memories, a story to tell someone else.

And when they’ve had their fill of sunsets and laughter they pack up and leave

and I stand from afar smiling saying goodbye pretending I don’t mind.

But I do.

I want to be someone’s everyday not just someone’s getaway.

I want someone to choose me. Not because their first choice didn’t work out,

but because when they look at me.. they see their whole future,

not just a place to heal or hide.

I don’t want to be the reason someone finds themselves

I want to be the one they find with.

it was cold like my fingers were numb and moving would be excruciating

all I could hear was my thoughts and that stupid kitchen clock

tik tok tik tok

three.. eight.. one am

“I’m having so much fun”

but this felt different than the times before

he’s sweet and good

im happy for you truly

but why do i have this feeling

that hasn’t been there in a long time

in my chest and throat

suffocated and pure agony

it hurt me

my sunshine and warmth was slowly fading