Dammit Brain™

Things I need to do

Things I need to do but don’t care enough to do them

Things I need to do but don’t feel a sense of urgency to do immediately

Things I need to do but am too anxious to approach

Things I need to do that I just don’t want to do because they’re boring, annoying, inconvenient, or take too much effort

Time-sensitive things I need to do (approaching v. distant deadline)

Things I should do but don’t technically need to do

Things I think I should do but don’t care about

Things I want to do but haven’t started

Things I want to do but don’t have the energy for

Things I want to do but tell myself I don’t have energy for because I just don’t want to exert the energy

Things I want to do but feel anxious about doing or starting

Things I want to do but am prevented from doing due to one or several of my disorders

Things I want to do that I don’t have an excuse for not doing, I just haven’t done it

Things I’ve started but haven’t finished

Things I’ve started but have too much anxiety/not enough energy to finish

Things I’ve started but never finished because I stopped caring enough about it

Things I’ve put on a list fully intending to complete but never have for any or several of the reasons mentioned above

Things of varying importance that have crossed my mind that I’ve never written down and are therefore more or less lost in the void

Things that I have forgotten to put on this list that will inevitably eat at me because it makes this list unfinished

aka why tf am i procrastinating on The Thing (more like a flowchart, actually)

lots of people who have executive function difficulties worry about whether they’re procrastinating on a task out of laziness/simply wanting to be a jerk or mental struggles. this checklist might help you figure out which it is at any given time! (hint: it’s almost never laziness or being a jerk.) (obligatory disclaimer: this is just what works for me! something different might work better for you.)

1) do I honestly intend to start the task despite my lack of success?

yes: it’s a Brain Problem. next question

no: it’s shitty to say one thing & do another. better be honest with myself & anyone expecting me to do the task.

2) am I fed, watered, well-rested, medicated properly, etc?

yes: next question

no: guess what? this is the real next task

3) does the idea of starting the task make me feel scared or anxious?

yes: Anxiety Brain. identify what’s scaring me first.

no: next question

4) do I know how to start the task?

yes: next question

no: ADHD Brain. time to make an order of operations list.

5) do I have everything I need to start the task?

yes: next question

no: ADHD Brain lying to me about the steps again, dangit. first task is ‘gather the materials’.

6) why am i having a hard time switching from my current task to this new task?

i’m having fun doing what i’m doing: it’s okay to have fun doing a thing! if task is time-sensitive, go to next question.

i have to finish doing what i’m doing: might be ADHD brain. can I actually finish the current task or will I get trapped in a cycle? does this task really need to be finished?

the next task will be boring/boring-er than the current task: ADHD brain. re-think the next task. what would make it exciting? what am I looking forward to?

I might not have enough time to complete the task: ADHD brain wants to finish everything it starts. (if task is time-sensitive, go to next question)

i just want to make the person who asked me to do it angry: sounds like anxiety brain trying to punish itself, because I know I’ll be miserable if someone is angry at me. why do i think I deserve punishment?

no, I seriously want to piss them off: okay, i’m being a shithead

7) have I already procrastinated so badly that I now cannot finish the task in time?

yes: ADHD brain is probably caught in a guilt-perfection cycle. since I can’t have the task done on time, i don’t even want to start.

reality check: having part of a thing done is almost always better than none of a thing done. if I can get an extension, having part of it done will help me keep from stalling out until the extension deadline. i’ll feel better if I at least try to finish it.

no, there’s still a chance to finish on time: ADHD brain thinks that I have all the time in the world, but the truth is I don’t. 

reality check: if i’m having fun doing what I’m doing, I can keep doing it, but I should probably set a timer & ask someone to check on me to make sure I start doing the task later today.

8) I’ve completed the checklist and still don’t know what’s wrong!

probably wasn’t honest enough with myself. take one more look.

if I’m still mystified, ask a friend to help me talk it out.

Other people: Oh lol haha yeah I do that sometimes!! I wonder if I have it too!

Me and my mental illness:

I’m a severely indecisive person. I doubt pretty much any and every decision that can be made. I say decision but really it’s not even just the important stuff I struggle with the most. When there are real stakes at hand that generally will help push me in a direction (to an extent). I still hate deciding but at least feeling like what I’m doing matters and needs to be decided gives me no other choice then to get it over with and make a decision. 

The real problem is for the mundane everyday decisions. I keep this feeling of always having to do the right thing at the right moment, and for most everyday choices it really doesn’t matter. In the end it doesn’t really matter what cereal I eat or what pair of socks I put on.

Where my indecisiveness frustrates me the most is in choosing whether or not to do something I could do but that I could also just choose not to. Put this way it might seem unclear so I’ll try to explain. The best way I can put it is a reverse “treat yourself” mentality. I could do something just for the fun of it, for example go out for lunch, but then again I don’t “need” to go out and I have food at home. I opt out of a lot of fun things for the sake of “it’s not necessary or essential”. Sure I don’t “have” to do it, but that doesn’t mean I always I entirely shouldn’t do it. Anything in moderation is fine after all. Just because it isn’t necessary doesn’t mean it’s a bad idea.

But I tend to think that later might be a “better” time and put a lot of fun choices in the “meh maybe later” basket in my brain, which means it probably isn’t going to happen any time soon. It’s like I somehow feel like I’d be making a wrong decision and that I might regret it later. Which is ridiculous most of time anyway because a once in a while small splurge isn’t what’s going to ruin me.

Or even when trying something new. Not every new thing you try you necessarily have to enjoy. Doesn’t mean you chose wrong or that it was a waste of your time. It’s a learning experience like anything else. But you’ll never know unless you try. But the fear of choosing wrong or doing the wrong thing can be quite crippling. And knowing that “it doesn’t matter” somehow just makes it all feel worse.

So I’ve been working on being more decisive in my everyday life. I’ve been going at it slowly but surely. I’m a calculated risk kinda person so I started with choices that involved little to no risks/consequences. Just to help bring down my decision making time on a scale that still felt comfortable. Being able to make decisions faster helped me move to the next part of my day quicker and more smoothly and in the end get more stuff done. The time I’d spent racking my brain choosing I could now spend actually doing something fun.

Now I’m at the point where I’m starting to take more risk involved choices. And let’s be clear that when I say risk I mean like less than 5% chance of regretting any or all parts of the decision. Now not all of them have worked out. But none of of them been a complete and utter failure or regret either. Dealing with disappointed on a small scale, like choosing the wrong dish at a restaurant, has helped me see that I’m able to take things in stride and not ruminate endlessly over a one time mis-step. Not every outcome is ideal and it honestly wouldn’t be realistic of me to expect that of life or myself.

That being said it’s not always easy. Because making choices is something that comes up constantly all day and everyday. Some days I’m on a roll and other days executive dysfunction bites me in the butt. But through it all I will say this, I’m honestly really proud of myself. I’ve put myself out there on multiple occasions and did things I’d wanted/been meaning to do for a while. Sometimes I let fear get the best of me, but not nearly as much as I used to.

Because in the end it’s all a question fear isn’t it. But there is freedom in listening to the “why not” voice. Because why not say yes a little bit more to simple things that can make us happy or make our lives a little easier. Why not have a bit more fun and try things just for the sake of trying. Not every decision we make has to be justified with a 12 page essay. For so many choices we owe no one but ourselves any explanation and “because I feel like it” should be more accepted as a valid response.