A/N: I need someone to shake Jude by his shoulders and make him realise how much of a bother he absolutely is NOT.Â
Had the roles been reversed and Willem was the one suffering from all the things that jude is suffering from, would Jude have been disgusted by Willem? Would Jude have wanted absolutely nothing to do with Willem? No, right? I need, NEED Jude to understand, that asking Willem to apply some ointment, a cream on the scars on his back will not be the worst thing to ask of him, if anything it would be an honour for willem to bestow this favour upon Jude because obviously we all know how much Willem wants to help Jude.
I want a conversation somewhat like this to take place between Jude and Willem:
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Willem finds out that Jude has scars on his back from Andy, where Andy did not get into much detail but gave out enough information where Willem was enlightened with the realisation that Jude has been suffering from this for a long long time but was just too stubborn and proud and also somewhat ashamed to ask for his help.
The same night when Willem received Andy’s phone call, Jude entered into their shared apartment at Lispenard Street with much dragging and shuffling and utmost difficulty, because once again to no one’s surprise the lift broke down.
As soon as he entered the apartment Jude could feel that Willem was planning to have a conversation with him by the way that Willem was looking at him.
Before he could make a scurried exit into his room, Willem cornered him, “did you just climb five flights of stairs, Jude?”
“I had no other option Willem, the elevator has broken down again.”
“You had no other option? Why? Has your phone broken down too?”
Jude had not wanted to bother Willem once again with his problems so he had made the conscious decision of not calling him to help him up the stairs even though he had half expected Willem to be upstairs and had also assumed how much Willem would be upset with him after knowing the fact that he had just climbed the stairs.
Jude in a poor attempt to appease Willem said in a low voice “I did not want to bother you, Willem. I assumed you must be busy practicing your lines for the play”
Willem had already had a pretty long day at work, and then he had received Andy’s phone call where Andy had grilled him for not taking proper care of Jude and leaving him unsupervised for long bouts of time where he started cutting himself.Â
“Jude-” he did not know where to begin, did not know how to form his sentences so that he could get his point across, he tried again, “Jude, I never have been and never will be “busy" when it comes to you. Ever."Â
Jude felt grateful at that moment. He did not know what to do with all those immense feelings swirling inside of him, so he just kept quiet. He felt Willem had more to say anyway.
After a moment of silence Willem cleared his throat and said with no emotion so as not to spook Jude, “Andy called me today when i was at work”
Jude went through several different emotions ranging from panic to fear to shame. He thought that Andy was finally tired of keeping his disgusting secret and had finally confided in Willem.
Before jude could spiral down his own emotions, Willem's voice tethered him to reality. Willem continued, “he said that you might need my help with application of some cream? What's up Jude?”
Jude was silent. He did not want Willem to know that he was not even comfortable in his own skin, could not even imagine for Willem to understand his discomfort, his disgust for his own body. Willem was handsome, he was an actor, he almost needed to be. Whereas, Jude was…well sometimes Willem would walk into the kitchen when Jude was brewing coffee in the morning and would say something like, "I don't look well today” which sometimes Jude wished he could look like that. Because if that was what Willem considered “unwell" then he couldn't even begin to imagine Willem's views and thoughts on his body.
Willem had not expected Jude to answer his question so without dampening his spirits he went further, "Jude can i ask you something? I need your opinion or rather I want to hear your thought process.”
Jude hesitated. He did not want to talk about himself, he did not want to answer questions about his past. Sensing this, Willem clarified, “it’s about me. Please?”
“Okay, yeah sure." Jude obliged.Â
" Say I had these scars on my back, these weird looking scars which burned and hurt me every time I moved.” Jude was horrified, this was his worst nightmare, and he was living it finally. The look of perplexity on his face was remarkable and impossible to miss, but Willem ignored it and went on, "and say i found a cream that needs to be applied on those scars, but it was impossible for me to apply it by myself and i needed your help, would you help me if i asked? Or would you be disgusted by my suffering and hate me for ever asking you for your help as my closest friend?"Â
Jude did not know how to answer this. He had never imagined this conversation ever happening between the two of them, not even in his faintest far fetched nightmares, because that's what it was for him. A nightmare.Â
Willem waited for his answer. He will not move on from this, I need to say something, jude thought. So he began, "I would help you.” Said Jude flatly. “But would you feel disheartened by it? Would you hate me for it? For something that's not even in my control?”Â
Now jude was truly feeling uncomfortable. He felt worms crawling under his skin. He no longer wanted any part of this talk. But today Willem was determined to help him and would not let up so easily. " Tell me jude. answer me.”
What answer was he even looking for?
“I would help you willem." Repeated jude, a mantra to get him out of this situation.Â
" That's not what I asked, Jude” insisted Willem.
“What do you want me to say willem?” Jude snapped at him. Didn't he understand that it was not the same. Jude has been through all of this. He knows how to deal with all of this on his own.Â
" Okay imagine a world where everything between us was the same, you were a lawyer and I was an actor and I had the same set of parents and you had yours, but instead of you it was me who was suffering from all these physical pains. What then Jude?”Â
Rather than answering the question, jude was contemplating limping out the way he came in from.Â
“Tell me jude!" Shouted Willem from across the room.Â
Both of them were looking at each other now slightly panting, willem from pent up anger and jude from frustration.Â
“Come on jude, tell me.” Willem started once again. "If you say yes, that you will help me without any fleck of disgust and anger then you feel yourself to be superior from me, because you have this baseless assumption somewhere in your mind that I would look at you with disgust, or you just think of me as a petty human for judging you. So tell me jude, which one is it?”
Jude felt a block of cinder in his throat which he was unable to swallow, he felt his eyes fill up with tears. He looked away from Willem. He felt like his heart would explode.Â
" Jude, please.” Willem did not know what he was even asking for. He did not know why he said please? What did he want from jude? To trust him. To trust him with his secrets. To let him be there for him. To reveal his secrets. To let Willem in. He wanted to show jude that he was on his side.Â
Willem returned to his room, leaving jude in the living room, tears silently streaming down his face.Â
Later that night after both of them had eaten dinner (or just willem because jude had this tendency to skip meals when he felt that he did not deserve to eat that day).
There was a soft knock on Willem’s door.
When Willem opened the door he found Jude standing there in his striped pajamas and black full sleeved collared t-shirt, looking small. Willem immediately regretted the proceeding of that evening. He regretted ambushing Jude like that. He wanted to be there for him, but not like this.
Then Willem noticed. Jude was standing there hunched looking like a boy, his hair disheveled, with a long tube of what looked like some ointment clutched between his fingers. He was staring at his feet, not daring to look up at Willem, for he feared that Willem might have changed his mind about helping him. He was shivering slightly not because it was cold but because he was scared. Scared that Willem would not accept him, scared that after taking a look at his back he will be bombarded with questions about his childhood which he was not ready to answer, shivering because he cannot afford to lose Willem, not now. Not ever.Â
Willem looked at him with tears in his eyes, this boy who despite everything that Willem imagined might have happened with him was standing in the passageway willing to let him in.Â
Willem engulfed him in a bone crushing, soul warming hug, knowing how much jude hated physical contact, but for once jude hung onto him dearly and was afraid to let go.
