Writing to Know Myself

Making surface decisions about other people.

I see it all the time. Heck, I am often the “victim” of such a habit. People hear “Preacher’s Kid, homeschooled, & female” and all these assumptions come into play. 

I can’t count the number of times I’ve heard “You know, you’re nothing like I expected.” in both good & bad context after people get to know me as person.

Definitely procrastination of...well everything. I am an expert at this particular bad habit.

Sales!

I do fine in retail stores/markets/etc. But something where everything is based on commission. My income based on exactly how much money I can make others spend.

I’m just to practical. Why should I try and sell them the tricked out model of a car, when they obviously just need the basics? Why spend thousands more on a “real” diamond when this artificial one is both cheaper, and nearly perfect?

Universe: Middle Earth

Location: Rivendell

Though to be fair, almost anywhere in Tolkien’s universe would thrill me. But Rivendell has always had the strongest pull. Secluded in the mountains, but with trees and gardens. Wise and playful elves singing and dancing, reciting stories and poems around roaring fires. 

But most of all the books, so much to read and learn. All while surrounded by beings that lived through much of it. So many quiet and comfortable places to hide away to read and write. 

Never!

Well at least not traditional sports. 

I swing a sword on occasion.

Do some horse riding when I can (preferably bareback)

Dark walls (navy, or forest green), bookshelves full of books, weaponry hanging on the walls, a window nook, and a writing desk. 

Swordplay (with broadswords). The only reason I haven’t already done so is because there are no local teachers, and it would take considerable time to get to a class.

I have a Thousand Foot Krutch band shirt (The flame in all of us) from 2007 that is still my favorite shirt. It’s held up shockingly well, and aside from a few thin spots under the arms doesn’t look more than a few years old.

Write, mostly. I often sacrifice sleep to get a few more words on paper (or computer.)

“It's like in the great stories, Mr. Frodo. The ones that really mattered. Full of darkness and danger they were. And sometimes you didn't want to know the end. Because how could the end be happy? How could the world go back to the way it was when so much bad had happened? But in the end, it’s only a passing thing, this shadow. Even darkness must pass. A new day will come. And when the sun shines it will shine out the clearer. Those were the stories that stayed with you. That meant something, even if you were too small to understand why. But I think, Mr. Frodo, I do understand. I know now. Folk in those stories had lots of chances of turning back, only they didn’t. They kept going, because they were holding on to something. That there is some good in this world, and it's worth fighting for.” 

Samwise the brave - The Two Towers (Film)

This has always reached out to me on two levels.

First; as someone who often needs a reminder to look past the darkness for the light that will come. A reminder that while there is so much evil, those fleeting moments of good and innocence are worth continuing to “fight the good fight”

Hostess:

Not just as someone who can organize a party/gathering, but in making sure everyone feels welcome and looked out for at said events. Especially having so many friends with special requirements (food allergies, social needs, guardian restrictions, etc.) I’ve learned to adapt and make sure no one feels excluded due to personal circumstances out of their control.

Writing:

From excelling at writing essays in school, to writing a 150,000 word novel and everything in between. While I still have much room for improvement, it is a skill which I have a natural knack for.

Gift Giving:

Proud of me, or proud of them?

Of them:

My little sister, who shows quite a bit more drive and discipline than myself many times. Adapting to new situations and overcoming obstacles.

Sya: Who has grown so much over the course of our friendship. I’ve gotten to see her change from nerdy highschool girl to wonderful (if procrastinating) collage student. And I look forward to seeing what comes next.

Of me:

Bookstore

My home away. Not only a great place to kill time, but relaxing. Nowhere quite as calming as settling between rows of books, stories whispering to you as fingers brush against spines.

The year I graduated I lost my close friend/long distance boyfriend & my best friend of over a decade within a month of each other.

That I’m a capable writer.

I’ve written for myself since I was in highschool, but even then I often credited others for the story and character arcs. A couple years ago I broke into posting my fanfiction online.

This year I finished several multi-chapter stories with plots entirely my own. And my original novel has grown and filled out. I’ve been entered into several fan-favorite competitions, as well as becoming a person people come to with requests because “you write ___ so well”

She was my best friend for more than half my life. My go-to girl. If I was hurting, she was my support, rejoicing, she was there to celebrate. We went through school together, faced everything as partners. We were going to get an apartment together when we had decent jobs. She was going to be the maid of honor in my wedding, and I in hers.

But life’s not a movie script; and nothing shatters a heart faster than betrayal at the hands of a friend. 

We tried to mend bridges. But a great friendship became good, then okay, then faded entirely. We haven’t spoken in years...it still hurts.

Over the past week my sister have beaten Kingdom Hearts 3...and it’s brought a lot of things back. A lot has changed in the 13 years since KH2 was first on our screens.

Some of it is non-important. Graphics have come leaps and bounds, I’m in a different life place, my play time (for writing, gaming, reading, etc.) is a lot shorter...and therefor more precious.

But the things that have struck me while watching this game have been a little more personal. I played the first two games at the same time as my best friend...We don’t talk now, and I wonder what she thinks of the story? It makes a game so rooted in missing friends hurt a little deeper, and the ending feels a little too real. We were Riku & Sora, and despite being surrounded by friends, I miss that bond.

In fact, the reunion scenes brought up thoughts of people who have long left my life. A trio of friends who I did everything with, who decided to move on without me. I wonder what it would be like to reunite with them. With the boy I loved that slipped through my fingers. With the larger group I was part of despite us being wildly different.

Whether through the growing number of stories I’ve consumed, or merely having lived longer in the real world. I was not surprised by the loss we suffered. I knew it had to come...you cannot have battles without casualties, and so often the least deserving fall.

I’ve also been hung up on “Road to Dawn” being broken early in the game. I think it’s because, for me, that weapon signified Riku’s journey. I have similar items in my life, things that have grown and shifted as I’ve grown. And so I guess a little part of me was sentimental; I’ve watched this character grow and it was sad to see the symbol of that broken.

Turns out I have a bitter streak as well. Because there was a lot of redemption in this game; and frankly I wasn’t okay with all of it. I should be, I should be thrilled to learn that these characters aren’t all bad (and hey, most of them I was). But some of these characters have caused so much pain,that I can’t just accept that they’ve been accepted on the side of heroes. Whether that’s my sense of Justice, or something less noble is unclear.