Writes of Aisling

Yeah, we’re kinky, but at the root of it all we are in relationships and we are human. Let’s talk about jealousy. Are you a jealous person? Have you been in a relationship with someone who is jealous? How did you navigate those feelings? Is jealousy inherent or is it a reaction? If you’re poly, has this affected your capacity for jealousy in a positive or negative way?

So moving forward into this response, I am going to state right upfront, this is an area in which I struggle.  To be honest I did not want to write this response because I am not proud of my difficulties in this area.  (Which is why Master has told me I have to write this).  Intellectually I understand from where my issues stem and I can usually tamp them down and deal with them, however; not always without consequences.  This question is rather fortuitous for me because we just dealt with this a couple of weeks ago and he had to work rather hard to get me talking and get me through it.

I always ensure that the question of poly is asked during the vetting process.  It is not a deal-breaker for me but does lead me to question more.  Having spent some time in multiple poly relationships, granted they were not good poly relationships, but what I experienced there has made it difficult to embrace that relationship dynamic.  Master and I are open, but with guidelines and check-ins in place.  And I, at times, struggle.

Within the dynamic, he is Master and does what he wants. As a submissive, I never forget that this is a power exchange and that I was the one to hand mine over.  I can take it back and end this at any time, I would truly hope…pray that I would not get to that point because I allowed fear, insecurity, and jealousy to dictate. 

Fear, jealousy, and insecurity are biggies and can be very destructive.   Not only to ourselves but to our relationships and our partners. I  have fallen victim to these baddies and my own internal dialogue.  They tend to work together and feed off of each other until they have consumed all the good that was once there.  I do not get jealous of things, I do get jealous of time.  I do not get jealous casually, I am usually pretty happy for the fortunes of others.  My biggest issue stems from the fact that I have rarely been made a priority.   I refuse to beg for time or attention, if he chooses to be elsewhere,  that is his right and choice.  Often that lack of begging and making noise about not being made a priority leads to him assuming I am fine with the lack, which leads to me headed down a rabbit hole of fear and insecurity.   Once you are there it is hard to find your way back.

With that being said you can take steps to help you navigate through these feelings and emotions.  They happen to the best of us and if you have ever truly cared and treasured and loved something or someone, you have more than likely experienced these feels.  I care for and love him, I cherish and treasure our relationship and dynamic.  I feel bad and ashamed of myself for the apparent sign of a lack of trust in him. I am working on finding a way to ease this issue and he is working on that too.  I am working at telling him what I need and when I get scared and insecure and with him, he is always listening, even if he doesn't agree, he will listen and try to understand.  Even when he has to say…I am not sure how to fix that…he has heard and is there with me.  

You are stronger than you believe.

Discipline, hard work, research, education, communication, and effort. 

No, this isn’t the motto of some top tier ivy school.  It’s what it takes to live this life.  Spankings and blow jobs and toys are FUN but we play with some seriously dangerous stuff, both physical as well as mental and emotional. It’s hard work. This goes for both sides. So let’s dig into that.

What does it take to be a successful Dominant? What work do you have to put in?

And the subs don’t get a pass on this either. What are their responsibilities for learning and discipline? What are the obligations of each of them to each other when it comes to working and holding up their end of the responsibility, and effort it takes to be safe and successful?

I have encountered many Dominants over the years.  Those that do not call themselves Dominants, those that call themselves Tops, those that call themselves Masters, and those that call themselves Daddies.  They are as individual and as differently put together as any human.  They do have some things in common, especially the successful ones.  They are, at their cores caretakers. They have amazing self-awareness of who they are and what they want and need.  They are dedicated to the task of mastering themselves, their responses and refining that place of safety and stability within themselves in order to provide that spot to a submissive.  They have a firm understanding of the psychology of a submissive and what it means to have one under their care.  Their priorities are clear and in place for both themselves and everyone around them to witness.  There is a lot that could go here and to be honest, for me personally, there is a “feel” to a successful Dominant that I am not sure I can describe.  Something that my submission responds to on a visceral level.  Even when I have been unowned and unattached, sitting in the presence of these men, conversing with them, will settle and ground me.

Education and knowledge should be something that is a priority for all Dominants.  Maintenance of himself physically, mentally and emotionally is vital in a Dominant.  Not because or for a submissive or anyone else for that matter.  But because you can not pour from an empty cup.  Brutal honesty with himself, at the very least, on what he needs and wants in these areas.  Anything less will lead to inconsistencies in his relationships and interactions.  Maintaining open communication with your partner, whatever that looks like.  Even when you do not want to…maybe most especially then.  I think one of the most important aspects of a successful Dominant within the lifestyle, is when day after day, he reaches for the dynamic.  When living it is not an option, but just simply what is.

As a submissive, the second part of this is much easier for me to answer.  My responsibilities to myself, to my Dominant, and to my Dynamic are things that I make sure I am constantly aware of.  I work on myself, educating and learning as much as possible.  I make sure that I too am maintaining my health, physically, emotionally and mentally and that I am honest and open with him about issues and upsets.  Self-awareness in myself is vital and honesty and openness essential to the health of our dynamic.  Staying true to our dynamic and the protocols and rituals that he has laid down.  Honoring his role and our power exchange no matter what and I realize that I laid that down without an exception, because within that power exchange there is room for me to be heard even if I disagree.   And that too is honoring the exchange.  I never forget that I have the power to destroy this and us and what we have created by simply not committing to the dynamic.

This is a relationship that requires honesty and communication.  It is up to both sides to commit to both.  To always be making the dynamic and your partner a priority.  To think past anger and hurt and miscommunication and reach for the truth, grounding yourself in the spaces of safety and strength you have each built for the other.  You do not turn away, you do not abandon, you do not give up.  If it is worth it, you stay and you figure it out and you work to get back to what you both need.

This dynamic is not for the meek or the weak.  This takes tremendous focus and strength and determination on both sides.  Before one enters into the dynamic you have to do the work on yourself to be up to the task and the reality of what this means.

Punishment, Consequences, Discipline...They are a common part of most D/s dynamics. So, why do we use them? What purpose do they serve? Are they important? If so how? What do they do for either side of the slash? What value do they have for the D? What about the s?

By the nature of it, the dynamic is set up on checks and balances.  By their nature, most submissives are not timid people who will follow just anyone and regardless of how "good" of a submissive, we will at some point either push at a boundary, step definitively over it or simply make a mistake.  We have given our Dominant not only permission to bring us back into line but the power to do so.  Most submissives will be horrified at having actually transgressed enough for actual punishment.  But the act of the punishment will not only make it clear that a hard stop is required from the submissive,  but it will clear the slate as well.  For the Dominant it reasserts his control and realigns the dynamic.  The submissive's acceptance of the punishment and his right to administer it is proof of their unique bond.

I do not believe that punishment and correction are interchangeable.   I see correction in the small things.  The lift of his eyebrow, the "look" (you all know what I am talking about with that *shivers*), his "watch the sass, lass", these little things that guide and correct my direction.  I also see correction as when I am struggling and need a reset, whatever is required in that moment to help.  That is my correction and is not necessarily a place of high emotion or distress for me.

Punishment is bigger...I have never gone into punishment when I have not been spinning. His disappointment and the knowledge that I might have come up against threatening the dynamic will have me frantic, upset, and disappointed in myself.  Ashamed and embarrassed that my actions brought us both to this point, more than likely because I did not heed the corrections.  But it does clear the air and clean the slate. The punishment allows me to get past the initial upset so that we can get onto the actual fixing of the issue.  Master tries to make the punishment suit the transgression...if it is something physical, it is something he knows I will detest, but there is no set action he takes. 

At some point all of us were outside of this lifestyle. A few of us were lucky enough to be brought in formally and with lots of support. Others stumbled into the life, dropping off the vanilla tree and hitting every branch on the way down. So looking back on the person you were back then, what do you wish someone had told you? What would have made your journey into this life smoother?

My journey into this lifestyle began about 20 years ago.  I  have always been submissive and highly sexual.  I did not have a name for what I was, truly didn't even know it was a thing.  I did know that my instinctual responses to things and people and relationships and situations were quite different from the women around me.  

I found myself struggling to make a relationship work.  These were vanilla relationships with, in most cases, good men.  I would do my best and think things were going fine, but ultimately we would both either end up confused and dissatisfied or I would end up very hurt from abuse.  Looking back, I know where the issue came in….I was attempting to submit to these men who had no idea what I was doing or how to handle it or would take advantage of it because it was seen as weakness.

After many failed relationships and unfulfilled needs and painful lessons, I was in a chat room online and I met a man.  This man rocked my world and changed my course.  He did not yell his Dominance, did not advertise it, but the quiet thrum of it resonated within me like my submission was reacting to a tuning fork.  It was like, cause I love the imagery, that I had been falling from that vanilla tree, hitting every damn branch and when I landed I discovered I was in a whole new reality.  As I spoke with him and began to explore this part of myself I had never felt more excited or more…me.

Yes, I have been hurt along the way.  I took a break from it.  There was a long period when I wished I was anything but submissive.  When I denied and ignored that portion of myself.  It was an incredibly painful and destructive thing to do.  I was denying something that was a vital part of who I am.  My submission is not something I wear, it is as much a part of me as the color of my eyes.  Without it, I see and experience the world differently.  

For me looking back on it, I don't know if there is anything about the pitfalls I would have been able to process.  I knew that not all people were good, that lying comes naturally to many people, manipulation and destruction are all that exists for others.  I was hurt, horribly so, but I don't think that any advice would have kept that from happening.   As cliche as it sounds, this is my road to walk and with my nature, even with all the signs pointing in a different direction, I will at times choose the darker harder path.  In the end, even with all the mistakes and pain, my biggest regret was walking away, because in that case I had betrayed myself and it is so much harder to forgive yourself.

Be kind to you,

“...​all good things must end some dayAutumn leaves must fall...” We don’t like to think about it but it happens. Relationships end. Play partners go on their way. People are released. When is it time end a dynamic? What are firing offenses? How do you release someone the “right way” or ask for release? What are some DOs? What are some absolute DON’Ts? What are Your experiences? What did you learn from them?

(Topic Prompt Provided by @1-sadistic-lover)

This topic is like talking about death…in a way, it is a death.  Most of us will grieve the loss of a relationship.  Even one that was not or was no longer good for us.  We grieve the loss of the dream, of what could have been, of the potential we were striving to realize.  It is ok to grieve it, grieving is the tool that helps us process loss, it is necessary. 

When is it time end a dynamic?

I will admit, I am horribly stubborn.  When I commit to someone or something I don't do it halfway.  I throw all in, one of the reasons that I take so long to choose my people and my places.  Making the decision to end a dynamic is very difficult for me.  Not all of these ends were dramatic, some we had just fallen into complacency and neither one of us was feeling the impetus to find our way out.  Others were from neglect or abuse.  I think within the dynamic, the time comes, when it is clear that one or both of you is either no longer nurturing the dynamic and/or does not have the ability or capacity to nurture the dynamic.  That does not necessarily mean that the relationship has ended, but ending the dynamic will mean having to negotiate a new normal for the relationship.  What are firing offenses?

There are some instances in which I  believe there is no fixing and there is no going back, this is true for any relationship.   If trust has truly been broken, if one of the foundational pieces of the relationship has been destroyed, you can no longer have the dynamic.  For me, these are abuse, neglect, abandonment, and lying.  Not only is there no coming back from this, these are fireable.

How do you release someone the “right way” or ask for release?

I have had 4 collars.  I asked for release from 1,  1 I was released,1 ended mutually and amicably and I am in my 4th.  The one I ended, I did so by simply saying, "This is no longer what I need or want and I do not believe I can continue to serve you to fulfill your needs.  Please release me."  This came on the heels of months of trying to figure out how to make it work.  It was after great thought and soul searching and I cried my way through it.  It was not spur of the moment or in anger and I meant it and knew I would not waver from it.

What are some DOs:

Remember that this was once someone you cared about. 

Do educate yourself.

Be kind. (if it is warranted) 

Do work on knowing yourself and what you want and more importantly what you need.

Be safe.  

Protect yourself. 

  What are some absolute DON’Ts:

Do not let anyone tell you who you are and what you need. 

Do not sacrifice your safety for someone else's pleasure.  Mental, emotional, physical or otherwise.

Do not stay silent.

Do not humiliate your partner in ending the dynamic.

What are your experiences? What did you learn from them?

There is a quote about experience that I try to remember.  "Experience is the hardest kind of teacher.  It gives you the test first and the lesson afterward" - Oscar Wilde

Through these trials I have learned that no matter how far I travel in this, there are still challenges and adventures to be had.  I have learned that not all people are meant to walk the whole path with you, that sometimes they are just there for a short while, and if you pay attention it was to teach you something or make you stronger.  I have also learned that sometimes that is all false and it was just something horrible that happened, and you now have to do your best to pick up the pieces and move on.  In doing so you will either become weaker or stronger.  And that is a choice.

Choose strength.  Choose happiness.

It happens.  It is sometimes a great surprise.  Sometimes you knew you were playing on the edge.  Other times you were not playing at all.  But there will come the day when you will need a safeword.

When do you use your safeword? What are some types of safewords? What happens when the safeword fails? What about colors? Do you use colors? When do you call colors?

I have used my safeword a handful of times over the years.  I use it when I have hit a limit that I know that if I go further I will cause damage to myself.  Whether that be physical, mental or emotional.  In the beginning, I think like many new submissives, it seemed a very scary thing.  Thinking I risked a relationship,  risked a play partner, a Dominant, or the respect of those I was with.  Eventually, I realized that none of that was more important than the risk to myself.  Without my health; physical, emotional and mental, none of that really mattered.  I mattered just as much and I was just as much a part of that equation.  If I lost a relationship or the respect of those I played with, well truly, that right there is a very clear answer that I was not with people who actually cared for me.

The safe word I have now is Bazinga.  I was taught that your safeword should be at least three syllables long and something that means something to you.  This one came about through a joke with my Master.  We both think it is hilarious and I have only used it once with him in 4 years.  I use colors throughout a scene.  Green = keep going, big boy!  Yellow = Eh...things are getting a little to the edge here...maybe switch something up?  Red = I need what we are doing to stop.  Check-in with me.  We might be able to do something else here...but I need this intensity to cease.

I have never had a safeword fail, thank god.  In the moment I have felt bad for using one...in that moment of intense submission and subspace, where my entire being is focused on serving him, I felt as if I failed.  Logically...even in that space, I knew that I had done the right thing, done what he would have wanted me to do.  Unfortunately, emotions do not have brains and I still felt that I had let him down.  

Do remember that in the end, no matter what, you are responsible for your safety.  A good Dominant or Top will never berate you for protecting yourself.  That is a core element to any scene, it is the reason for all the communication and all the safeties that we give lip service to.  Any Top or Dominant that dismisses you for having protected yourself is not someone you want to have power over your well being.

How do you build the foundations of a good dynamic? Literally what are, were, or would be your first steps to building D/s fundamentals with a new partner? 

When looking to build a dynamic, I start at the very foundation.  I start at the pieces that all relationships are based on.  Is this a person that I like?  Is this a person that I can commit to?  Is this a person I can communicate with?  Is this a person that I can trust?  Is this a person I can laugh with?  Is this a person that I feel a connection to?  This is where I focus first.  Not on the dynamic at all.  The dynamic is what is built on that foundation.  On a foundation of communication and trust and honesty and loyalty and commitment.  I am looking for that relationship, that even when he doesn't at that moment feel love for me, in those moments when I have driven him to the edge of his abilities to handle who and what I am, when he wonders if he even still likes me, that he still reaches for me.  

He needs to be someone that is worthy of my submission, be willing to take the time to earn it.  He needs to be that person when life has battered the crap out of us, when we have talked for days about issues or what we need or where we want to go and we are both feeling vulnerable and a bit scared, even in that place of fragility on both our parts, that he is still my haven.  Those are the qualities that I am looking for within my dynamic.  That is the foundation that I want it built upon.  

My experience has taught me that this is not something that is done overnight, not something that is done in a week.  This is a process that takes time, my first step is to always give it time.  With the foundation in place, the dynamic will begin to develop.  For me, it is all about the base.

We frequently talk about physical safety in the kink world. But what about emotional safety? How do you help your partner feel safe with you? Do you have something that you yourself need in order to feel safe?

Emotional safety is critical within the dynamic and within play.  We like to think that it is mostly on the submissive side that the focus should lie.  What we tend to forget is that this is a relationship that requires at least two people and in order for the Dominant to be present like he should, he will be opening himself up just as much as the submissive. Not in the same ways to be sure, but he is still open to being hurt.

It comes back to those foundational pieces.  Trust, knowing your partner, and communication.  I am fiercely protective of my Master.  His mental and emotional well being is a huge priority for me.  I know not to purposely touch on certain areas because I know him.  I know what demons he possesses and I am careful not to rouse them, but only because he trusted enough to introduce me to them.  There are situations that arise that can and do cause us both to ache and doubt, but I can honestly say that I believe wholeheartedly that never has it been done with the intention to purposely cause harm.  

There are risks here though.  We partake of a dynamic that is intensely intimate and emotional, mistakes do happen and we can both be left hurting and bleeding from it.  That is when I go back to those foundational pieces and rely on the connection and the dynamic to help us through the emotional upheaval.  It is very difficult when we are both in the same place at the same time, which happens more often than not.

How do I protect myself?  With him, I don't…not really.  For me…within the dynamic I have chosen and the one I crave, emotionally and mentally I am open to him.  He has the capacity to devastate me.  I trust him and rely on him to treat that trust with all the care that is its due.  When walls do come up for some reason, it is actually a red flag for me and him.  Something has broken down in that case and we need to take a look and pay attention.   

Again I am speaking of this one relationship, with a man that I love and cherish, not all are going to be like this and not all should.  

Is pushing limits something you welcome in your dynamic? We aren’t talking non-consent; we are talking pushing you out of your comfort zone. 

Does it go both ways?  Subs can you challenge your D without crossing a line?  D’s, do you see places where pushing is warranted? Why?  Do you like to be pushed or challenged?

Limits within the dynamic keep us safe both mentally and physically.   The hard ones do not get messed with.  Those are not for pushing at or messing around with.  The soft limits are a spot for exploration,  but with care.  Those are the things I might be nervous about but have piqued my interest or things I am interested in exploring further but only in certain situations.   We all have the right to add to or adjust a limit.  Limits should not change within a scene, that might be subspace or hormones talking and is a pretty big red flag.  Changing or adjusting limits on either side should be within a talk outside of the dynamic. My limits differ depending on whom I am with as well.  It is a very personal and individualized list of things that go into me keeping myself safe.  The lists also give you a good overall idea of the person you are with and may indicate past trauma.

Being pushed outside of my comfort zone mentally is actually something I welcome.  I would not be satisfied with a partner that did not challenge me, and what a gift in this dynamic that I can trust him on a soul-deep level to see me through it without attempting to harm me with the ability.  Because while that discomfort and challenge is where some of the best growth happens it is also where I am the most vulnerable. 

I would hope that mentally and emotionally I do push at my partner.  I think coming from a submissive (and I am using my own dynamic here), that it is a much more subtle endeavor.   That when he needs a nudge outside of his comfort zone to grow or change a thought process or alleviate a fear or concern, that I am that same challenge and that same safe harbor for him, that he is for me.