Write's Prefect

YOU'RE AN AIRLINE KID they said YOU GET TO FLY FOR FREE they said YOU'RE SO LUCKY they said YEAH WELL ONLY IF THERE ARE OPEN SEATS mOTHERFUCKERS I'VE BEEN IN THREE DIFFERENT AIRPORTS OVER THANKSGIVING HOLIDAY just TRYING to get out

I popped over to my physics class during a different class period to turn some junk in, and I saw four or five empty Starbucks cups splayed out on my teacher's desk. I guess I walked in on some existential crises and he was practically screeching at the class. I stopped dead in the doorway making no sudden movements. "OKAYOKAYOKAY- if the earth was, like, half an arm farther away from the sun, we'd all be like frozen buttsicles. But if we were, like, half a leg closer, we'd all get freakin' burninated! Isn't that, like, CRAZY? THE BLOOD's GONNA START COMING OUT MY NOSE NOW" I backed out of the room slowly.

I got off a roller coaster once and saw a little girl about age five or six crying. Girl: (blubbers) I almost fell off! Her dad, who's standing next to her, kneels down heartwarmingly as if to comfort her after her apparently terrifying and traumatizing experience. In a deep southern accent, he suddenly goddamn bARKS  "GIRL, YOU GOTTA LEARN TA LOOK FEAR INDA EYEBALLS!" I felt so bad but I laughed my ass off. -Write's

Don't confuse ducks with geese like my four year old self. GOOSE SCREAM -Write's

Good girls are just bad girls who never get caught. -Write's

So I was walking my neighbors' dogs in my neighborhood one Saturday when I recognized two of my students in one of the backyards. They were dressed up as power rangers and whipping each other with belts. -Write's

Treat me like a game, and I'll show you how it's played. -Write's

When life hands me lemons, I make chocolate cake and leave bitches wondering how I did it. -Write's

Dad: I've decided to let you guys all rent a movie each for our drive to Grandma and Grandpa's. Sis: I wanna get 21 Jump Street!  You guys saw it without me! Dad: Yeah...about that...it's inappropriate. Sis: Can't be worse than We're the Millers! Dad: It was. The cops dry humping the perp and all that. Mom: But the fake mom in We're the Millers pole danced. Dad: (prosaically) Pole dancing is a part of life.

(Walking up to roller coaster at Six Flags) Dad, completely softspoken, to ride attendant: Ma'am? May I ride if I'm pregnant? The sassy black ride attendant gave him the wtf look and goes "hELL NAW!" She stands there for a moment before sighing "...Y'all have to put yo backpack in a ride locker."

I was in the mall once when I was walking behind a kid in one of those mall car strollers. He had a cup of grapes in his fat little hands, and one by one, he's dropping these grapes on the ground. After about the tenth grape, the guy pushing the stroller looks like he's gonna have a coronary. Suddenly, they stop dead in front of me, and the guy literally fucking screams, "aaaaaAAAAAAAHHHHhhhh!" grabs the cup of grapes out of the kid's hand, and hurls them over the railing onto the first floor. "MAN!! Don't chuck those grapes on the ground! I paid good money for those!" -Write's

Life is too short for boring-ass clothes. -Write's