Just Another Day

I’m not going to tho.

I don’t see the point.

I did want to mention that I loved the roses. It made my heart happy ❤️🌹

It’s not awesome.

I don’t know how to process that. I’m absolutely broken.

Why did I even fight? This life is nothing to me. Total shit. I thought there was something worth breathing for.

Apparently I was wrong.

To feel you care.

And I was sad and confused. It rings a bell? Omg. What? Ok…?

But she told me you were there and you were listening, processing.

I had to remind myself that we all have struggles and anxieties. And I know you’re guarded. Super guarded. I understand. It doesn’t make it any easier for me, but I truly understand. And I’m trying really hard to let the past go and move forward. I promise I am. I think that this year has made that extra hard. Because I just want to cling harder to you.

I know that’s wrong. And I think this app makes it harder to let go. So Im going to stop.

Just know that I love you. Forever and always. Even if I’m dead inside- you’re the only flicker of light I have left that kept me going.

You matter to me. You’re important to me.

Anyway, she gathered me in her arms- I’m literally sobbing and begging her to tell me what exactly I’m fighting for. To give me a reason to fight. She tells me- the warm sun on your face. The breeze on a hot summer day. The warm sand on your feet…

I would very much miss those feelings. And hearing the ocean. The rustling of the trees in the forest when the wind is still a bit away, but you can hear it in the trees getting closer and closer. (She liked that one. Said it gave her goosebumps and a memory)

She also said she was sorry for not being here for me more. But I told her you can’t take care of others when you don’t have anything in you for yourself. And she didn’t. And I still love her. But she said yeah but even if I had a tiny amount left in me, I should have given it to you.

That was deep for me. Because I get that. I DO that. I don’t have a lot left in me, but I’m always encouraging others. I’m always telling people what I’ve been through and how they can make it too.

Then it hit me.

If I don’t fight for my life and just give in- I can’t do that anymore. I can’t share my story and encourage others. I can’t love people if I’m gone.

I’m *basically* a 4. That gives me about 20-30% chance to live 5 years.

So yeah. I’m buggin.

And my friend says “think positive” and all that shit I’d tell someone too. But when you’re the one staring at a not so great chance of living many more years….changes your perspective. I told her that I don’t have a Tony (her boyfriend) to calm my mind. To encourage me.

To fight for.

Literally what the fuck AM I fighting for? A life of loneliness living in debt? No fucking thanks. If I die I die. My kids won’t have to burden themselves with my bullshit. That’s legit how I see things.

If I live- then I live. I’ll make the best of it. I’ll struggle. I’ll cry a lot. Same shit different day.

I don’t expect anyone to understand. You CANT unless you’ve been here.

And baby (….you know who you are. The love of my life. My light in the darkness. The one that made me love myself. That saw me before anyone else did- ) for the love of God PLEASE take care of yourself. Please get your colon checked. Get your prostate checked. Take care of yourself. Physically and mentally.

Choose you. In ALL ways. Find your happy. Whatever it is. The thing that no one but you defines. Even if no one else gets it. It’s yours and yours alone!

…you are where MY happy sits. And your smile …it’s what I live to see. You having fun. You living your best life. Doing what obviously makes you happy. What you are SO fucking good at. (If I could I would watch you every day. My heart glowing with pride watching you work your magic. Never forget the happy you create!!). I know it’s just a job, but I would still watch. You are incredible at what you do.

And your poetry. God- your poetry. You write what people feel. You have a knack for it and people need to experience it. Keep writing. Even if it’s just for you. (Altho that would be a shame. Your mind is so beautiful. If I were there I would encourage you to share it.)

I miss you.

Every moment of every day. I don’t expect you to understand. I know I’m just another girl that didn’t work to you. I understand. I try to anyway. But for me- you will always be the one. The one I didn’t get to love. Except on the internet.

And that’s not enough. Because you deserve what I have.

And it’s not fair. Not fair that my life is likely too short to show you. But I hope and pray that you are not lacking and that my bullshit is insignificant in your life. As a matter of fact- I pray you’re not even reading this because I don’t even matter in your world.

I pray unlimited, unadulterated, pure love and happiness for you.

You deserve that. And don’t even accept less.

Until the darkness fades and the world’s ok

Would you just sit with me, and tell me everything

I want to hear what makes you smile.

Would you just walk with me in the stillness

And enjoy the peace the world offers in secret.

Yeah. She’s gone now. And I have surgery in 15 days. I’ve not told anyone this- but I’m not confident I have anyone to care for me. They (my kids and my roommate) all say they got me- but they said that with my chemo too. A lot of the times I didn’t even tell people I had chemo and just took care of myself. They didn’t even know when my chemo was. I felt like they didn’t care honestly. One friend forgot to pick me up once.

All the “I’ll cook you dinner” and didn’t, the “I’ll come help you clean” and didn’t. The “I’ll stay the night” and decided concerts or wine Wednesday’s were always more important than me.

Tell me again how I’m not a burden then guys.

I’m fucking scared. Because I won’t be able to physically help myself. I’ll literally need help getting up. And everyone will assume everyone else is taking care of me.

Unless I move in with my kids (that’s best for them. …..for THEM. They said.). In their dirty house with their dogs and cats jumping on me. Their paper thin walls….I don’t want to be there. I want to be home with my things in my clean house where I feel comfortable.

I fucking hate being alone.

I fucking HATE cancer.

And honestly, I don’t know why I’m trying so hard to get through it. What is in the other side of this? Fucking loneliness and struggle? Great incentive.

That’s my life now. Walkers and neuropathy meds. About to add ostomy bag to that. Fucking perfect.

On the up side- I won’t have to waste my mornings taking a shit. I can do it wherever I am. (….too soon? TMI? Hahaha when have y’all known me not to be TMI? Y’all know me better than that.)

19 days. (Don’t forget your promise ❤️🙏🏻)

I had to do something that hurt my pride. I had to ask for help. Y’all don’t even know. It’s really uglier than I let on. Because that’s who I am. And that’s why I need prayer. Because I’m always telling myself I got it. I can handle it. I can figure it out.

But this time…. I’m in a mess. And it even got worse today when I had an appointment and they reminded me I have $1400 in medical I owe. And can’t pay. So I gave them $200 and hope I can make that up next week. Knowing I really really needed that.

I’m still working. Not legally and if I’m caught I’m FUCKED. But it’s only a handful a week. But it’s something! My body just can’t take it. I pay for it for the rest of the day. (Might be fibromyalgia. So that’s another awesome thing I may have to look forward to! It just keeps getting better!!

Still haven’t filed my taxes for 3 years. But that’s not even who’s after me. It’s the grumpy comprtoller mega bitch who is salty af and gives no shits about my situation. The last guy was nice. Gave me breaks when I needed. And I got it done!

And I’m trying. As best as I can.

That’s all I can do.

Maybe in 19 days it won’t even matter. Maybe I’ll be dancing with my daddy and Jesus. That would be so much better than being here lonely and stressed the fuck out every moment.

Idk. Maybe I shouldn’t have said that last part. But some days it’s true for me. Some days there is just no joy to see through the shit storm. That’s real life for me.

This is the raw me. As always.

It broke her soul to think about.

“Yes” he said, breaking her from her gaze.

She looked forward, a sad attempt to pretend she wasn’t just staring at him. No wonder she made him nervous. “Thank you” she managed to get out.

She hugged him goodbye, the emptiness behind it sending her deeper into her own dark mind. She didn’t want it if it were empty- but at the same time she needed it to keep going. What other reason is there in her lonely, crumbling world? Only the love she created in her head for the man that stood before her. She knew every bit of his face by memory, down to the curve of his lips, one of her favorite features. But his eyes. Oh how his eyes burned into the very core of her being.

He knew her too. He knew her more than anyone, he just didn’t know it. He never asked.

Excerpt from “He Who Holds The Key” (watch for it!)

Mmm.

To anyone that may still be reading my lame shit when I post and may have had a hand in making me smile so much today- thank you. It matters. So much more than you know.

Forever in my heart. I will close my eyes and remember the smiles and laughter. The beautiful tears I willed myself to keep in that are shedding now as I think about how lucky I was. I am.

It will always be you with me. Sitting in my heart forever. And if it doesn’t go well for me- know that you were the one that mattered to me. And I’ll be looking out for you from above. (And also haunting you in the shower….when Jesus isn’t looking.)

(I’m picturing you smiling which makes me smile to think about.)

I’m sitting alone. I could use some good. Some sunshine to combat my rainstorm. Because it’s fucking pouring.

A smile is just a smile. But also magic to my soul.