ANTI HERO.

i don't mean to, i don't mean to, i don't mean to!

There's a horrid, sticky, dark part of him that wants to shake her and say good! It's about time somebody woke you up! It's time you see the truth! Don't depend on me, don't look at me with the big sad eyes that make him want to cry and scream and be a better man!

(He likes his wallowing. Stevie likes the grimy oil under his fingernails and the way people cross the street and won't make eye contact, he likes the way people are afraid to ask him how he's doing. Likes it enough that it makes him forget how much he fucking hates it.)

"No, baby," a habit, one formed what feels like a thousand years ago, "you did that all on your own. We've been going in circles for so long, I don't even remember what you hate me for anymore. Come on -- be honest, you wouldn't look twice at me if I was just like anybody else. If I was one of those fucking clean cut finance morons -- I'm dirty and you liked it. Don't put it on me like you didn't know who I was. Like you haven't always known who I am."

She used to like being on his motorcycle, in his car. He knows she did. Didn't she? Didn't she use to smile and laugh when he went too fast? Didn't they use to talk until the late AM shooting the shit? Didn't they hold hands at parties and by the lake and dance around it all, even before they ever really touched each other?

There's no real bite in his tone and steps close, ducking to look her in the eye.

How do you lie without flinching? Stevie just stares for a long moment. Is it a skill? A talent? His father always said it was a necessity, that the white lies can sometimes save time or space or feelings, that it could be a kindness. Stevie keeps his worst instincts hidden from his mother, keeps his trouble off Ellie's doorstep as much as he can. Isn't that a kindness? Lying isn't easy but it comes so naturally… does that make him a monster? In all fairness to Alex, they don't seem to be accusatory. It seems more akin to professional curiosity. Perhaps they want for nothing more than a lesson in sinning.