Messy Words

I remember

I am not 6 feet down I am not rotting But my finger nails are full of dirt And your bite marks are all over my neck You smell like bad choices and regret But every time I think of what you've done to me My legs spread open And my lips whisper of it in tongues You make me feel like I'm digging my own grave But I've never breathed so deep

It's the time of year That smells like you And it reminds me of who I was And who you were And I ache I feel sick I scratch and tear And pull. At who I am now Hoping I can get back to you some how But I think this year I finally rubbed myself raw enough to get it To come to terms We will never be Anything Anymore

I dreamt about fucking you last night When I woke up I didn’t know weather to throw up or masturbate So instead I took a shower and poured myself a glass of watered down vodka. People are selfish. It’s best to realize that now Rather then 23 years later when you’ve had to tell your mother that your best friend forced his hands on you. And so are you, Selfish I mean. You’ll take what you want And do things you never thought you would. But that’s life. And if it’s any consolation Everyone is shit anyway. And if it’s any consolation Know you’re not alone.

I think, Sometimes, People forget who they are. I never understood. But lately I can't remember who I was Before you forced your tongue down my throat.

My mom called me the other night at 11 pm just to tell me I’m not the same. She said it like it was a curse I brought on her. Like my self help was breaking her heart. And whats so sick is, I lived my life so heavy trying to make hers light But I got too tired And I hurt her. All I feel is free. All I feel is good

I don’t draw but for some reason I keep trying to sketch hands And maybe it’s something in the back of my mind Like how your hands felt at 4 am and I barely had the will power to say no. I don’t know how touch can convey “come here” so loud But it’s like your fingers know exactly how to tap out the words I think in those moments I get so weak I don’t know I think we both do. And there’s so much I want to do with you So much I want you to do to me. But all I can try to do is sketch your hands In my weakness Everything else would be too complicated.

1. In the moment people will mean what they’re saying so believe them. 2. People will also not follow thru and so if their actions don’t match up with their words it’s best to believe that too. 3. It’s better to be the one getting hurt than the one doing the hurting. 4. Never base your happiness off of someone else’s existence. 5. Always be honest. You’ll never have regrets about telling people exactly how you feel. 6. People are going to hurt you. It’s just apart of life. You’re also going to end up hurting people, hopefully they’ll understand. 7. It’s okay to be angry sometimes but never ever stay in that mind set. It’s a lot of wasted energy on things and people that aren’t suppose to be apart of your life. 8. Any text that tells someone that you care about them is something you should always send 9. Any text that is meant to hurt someone is always a bad idea. You won’t feel better. I promise. 10. Honestly you should kiss people more often. 11. No I’m really serious. Kiss people. It’s one of the best things out there so why the hell not do it? 12. Religion can be beautiful and if it’s something you hold dear to you, do it right. Don’t be an asshole about it and don’t assume that anyone owes your religion anything. 13. Falling in love isn’t a one time thing. Even if you think you’ll never move on from someone that isn’t true. Feelings change, life keeps going. In a year you won’t even remember the color of his eyes. 14. It’s okay to miss people. 15. It’s okay to miss people. But don’t romanticize them. Don’t make your time out to be more than it was. Miss them for what they actually were to you. Not what you wanted them to be. 16. You get to meet so many people in life. Don’t waste it all on stupid conversations. Actually get to know people because every person has an amazing story to share. 17. Using someone when you’re sad to make yourself feel better will make you feel the complete opposite. 18. Did you hear me? USING SOMEONE TO MAKE YOURSELF FEEL BETTER WILL ONLY MAKE YOU MORE SAD. And you’ll hurt someone else along the way. 19. It’s okay for people to change their minds. No one owes you anything. People can walk away without having to explain shit to you. It’s okay. It’s okay. it’s okay. 20. You also don’t owe anything to anyone. If you feel like someone is toxic to you, you are allowed to remove them from your life. Do it. 21. Sometimes you’ll do shotty things. It doesn’t make you an awful person. 22. If you continue to make the same mistake over and over you need to take a step back and reevaluate how you’re doing life. 23. Be kind. Not just nice. You will never regret kindness 24. In life you will have amazing moments and shitty moments, heartbreaking moments and uplifting moments. They’re moments. Just moments. They pass and so will the feelings that come along with them. 25. It’s okay to grow up and out of whoever you used to be. 26. It will be okay.

You looked at me like you couldn’t get enough. How is it that you eventually did?

I still close my eyes on roller coasters And I'll hold my breath going through tunnels. Some things just become habits and maybe that's why I got so used to being alone. Maybe that's why I'm so good at it. I don't know I'm so much better with people who run. I'm so much better at people who lie But this is real. You're real and I feel you looking at me like I could change your whole world but what if I can't? What if all I am is a liar? What if all I am is a runner?

It took 5 years, 1825 days, 7 guys And 127 kisses. I took his hands on my throat And him forcing himself down my gut to get it. Every person wants something The words on the tip of my tongue Or all the self respect stored close behind my teeth And all I feel is an empty house in my chest. All I feel is 6 feet deep in my own shit Because everyone wants something And I should have known

It’s bull shit how this feels How your hands could make hurricanes in my stomach And how your lips and tongue could make me come apart. You weren’t suppose to have that kind of power. The kind of power that could make a girl fall in love. I keep second guessing myself on what you mean. How your face makes me feel. You’ve ground yourself into me. And all I can do is think about those lips and that tongue and your hands and if you’ll come around again.