cumslut

I definitely have friends. There's no question to it. Hell after everything I've done my yugioh friends don't hate me. Easley I think isn't in a great place and is also very busy all the time. Kyle does his best but between work and shooting competitions he's pretty busy too.

But all the time I sit and cry like a dumb fucking idiot because I'm lonely and sad.

I miss everyone else too. When Cezar decided he was done with me being a dumb manipulative asshole to him Brett, Diana, Tim (for the most part), and just about everyone in that group cut me off too.

It really makes me think sometimes that they all felt the same as Cezar did, obviously not for the whole time they knew me.

I will admit that a year ago(God has it only been 1 year?) I was a real piece of human garbage, but I think what hurts the most is that they just don't want to try anymore. Cezar gave Sabastian another chance, so he must have really bad feelings towards me to not be willing to have any communication whatsoever with me. I don't really blame him, I just wish I could change his mind.

Sometimes I wonder if, assuming he knew and was able financially, would he come to my funeral? And I know the answer is no. It just hurts.

I'm over what happened last year, but what I'm not over is the fact that it feels like I'm slowly losing the rest of my friends, and it's not even their fault.

The rest of my friends have lives and a future, and here I am sitting at home thinking I might actually finish community college one day.

I know I should be grateful for what I have but it's hard when most of the time you feel alone and afraid of the future.

I really hope I don't wake up. That this is my last sleep. I'm not going to do anything to hurt myself ever again, but I can hope that life takes me.