A Worrying Thing

I always forget, is this: put on the big headphones and a big playlist. Suddenly I can do it, I change out the litter box, hand wash a bunch of dishes (absolute least favorite thing) and do a very short set of kettlebell exercises. I even managed to book a hormone imbalance consult on Monday with some instagramy telehealth thing that takes my insurance (oh hey we have that now!). I want to remember and feel at home in my body, spring opens up a lot. Getting on the bike, long walks, maybe a skate meet up at our community garden. You would not believe how many ads for perimenopause weight loss supplements I see every day. Every other add promises shocking weight rapid loss from a drink mix or pill. I am amazed I haven’t gone insane, despite being trained self hatred re my own physicality my whole life. I know my body is wrong, and I know the biases don’t matter. Though trying to ignore them has in so many ways allowed me to render myself invisible and anonymous to me. And those standards were shaped by pedophiles and gladly upheld in a culture where many if not most women are themselves mysoginsts. Anyway I am a taurus sun and rising, it is all about body and groundedness and slowness and balance and beauty (Venus ruled). I’ve been so outside myself I can’t see myself at all and when I do I really hate her. I’d like to work on it, and possible feel strong again bc I always was before. I was a runner and an experienced cyclist. I miss having that hutzpah. But then life got so heavy and so dark. i need to remember everything we planted before winter to overwinter we planted so the roots could grow deep and take hold in preparation for warmer months, when they’ll thrive wildly.

Oh shit the EXACT right song just came on:

Anyway I ordered some kind of supplement caffeine gum from tiktok about my severe executive dysfunction but we’ll see. Really hard to live a whole life disabled and also trying to condition myself to believe that I am the person that I need to pull me out of this. It’s so exasperatingly difficult but I keep it pushing and things feel better (is that Wellbutrin or spring forward or that baseball is back) (HOLY SHIT BASEBALL IS BACK!!!!)

I went to the fruit stand on the corner for one orange for Chinese New Year and the fruit guy (who is I think Slavic and has the greenest crazy beautiful eyes) said “100$, just kidding for you 50 cents” and in a moment of “oh I went outside and it felt like spring actually” euphoria I felt so lucky to live here. I pondered between two citrus options before finding this one logged behind the box. Citrus oil is supposed to increase happiness, and I find it deeply comforting as a Floridian who loves all citrus deeply.

You can’t even see that I am eating this peeled orange off my own thigh (in jeans).

I cannot believe how effective going on a boat and swimming in an ocean is for my mental health and well beaing. Oh, also I ate an arepa with plantains, avocado, and queso fresco. I could cry!!

I wrote this last night and forgot to post it and then today I walked into my work place to find the person I was covering medical leave for back (at my desk in my chair, having cleaned off my whole desk and put my (minimal) things away) and no one in my office had told me. So after being asked to train him on the new system we use to log deliveries I asked what was the plan for my employment, they replied we’ll reassess at the end of this week. I said that is not an acceptable answer, I deserve secure employment, calmly closed my laptop, got a ride down on the service elevator, and left.

So, no (if you’ve been following along for the last three years) I once again did not get insurance. It was supposed to happen this week. I did find a way to get my medication but subscription pharmacies are expensive and when the charge surprise went through it overdrafted my account and now I only have one last pay check coming and no job prospects. God really fucking hates me!!!

Anyway to all boomers and parents and other capitalist drugged morons: no it doesn’t matter if you show up on time and work hard and treat people with care and go the extra mile to trouble shoot things and actually care about your work. It does not matter AT ALL, it doesn’t matter if they like you or your make a good impression, you are as disposable and replaceable as a tissue. It all feels so fucking futile and like the longest humilation ritual I have ever endured and I’ve had to live my whole life as myself.

the anniversary of my move to Queens and subsequent getting out of the home I shared/felt tortured in with that ex was Mid June-ish

the anniversary of us first moving in together and me losing my gorgeous home of ten years in Brooklyn was the first week of July.

I left my apartment because I didn't want to sleep in and live in and be in the bed I was assaulted in anymore, I thought it was the only way to start over.

no really the body does literally keep the score (for what purpose)

All week, all week I can't stop thinking about that girls' summer camp that got flooded in Texas because people in this country are actively working to cut things like emergency weather monitoring. I don't think there are enough lifetimes to process the sheer amount of daily grief and anger, how is anyone meant to process any of this? This is the main reason I want to go back to therapy, for help undoing compartmentalization.

I'm involuntarily titrating off an antidepressant due to lack of ability to get it securely and routinely prescribed to me!

and understanding why I feel so deeply deeply upset to my core because "no one believes me and no one cares anyway" is written into this job experience and has been the narrative of my understanding since childhood. I know this isn't a fact, but it's also relevant because the last time I was this upset over something (an abusive man in my immediate circle of friends, he's still around btw) I realized nobody had ever apologized for doing harm to me in my life. I mean abusers are unlikely to apologize or even acknowledge, let alone realize, their actions. But I thought I would lose every friendship I had for saying "hey why the fuck is this dangerous abusive man in a space I thought was safe" and instead I just had some straightforward conversations, and it was fine*.

*why is he still around? (see the nobody cares clause)

I've been working for six months, cumulative 7, for the same company and position. My temp agency messed up my insurance enrollment TWICE, and now I am one week away from coverage (maybe???) when I should have been enrolled and receiving benefits from my first two weeks on. Living in America is hell, living in America as a person with disabilities (audhd) is hell (did you know they want to put us on a list? hurry up already), living unsupported with audhd is a hell I have no idea how I have kept surviving. I don't take anything for adhd, I manage entirely on a system and exhaustion because I've been forced to fend for myself and find my own resources my whole life by not being supported or understood by (up until the last two years) anyone in my life. It's insurmountable, there are several days a week I'm too tired and overwhelmed to eat, as in the sensation of eating is too much to bear and I hate it. I am chronically under slept. I just want to see a therapist and get my medication. I am constantly articulating this and explaining it is an emergency and has been one and nothing changes.

Another post about an online radio station, this time: Vintage Obscura.

This is a station that plays reddit sourced and curated tracks with under 30,000 hits/listens on youtube, and nothing from after the year 2000. I haven't spent a lot of time with this station, but I have enjoyed everything they've played this past half hour. I love messing around with radio.garden to try to find new things and just generally hit the sweet spot stride of vibing to something while I get boring repetitive work tasks done.

Anyway! I am so hesitant to declare any sort of stasis, but work has been okay. As in I have had it for four months and I am entering my fifth. I just took my first out of town trip with my partner to Washington DC this weekend to attend Liberation Weekend. It was such an incredible weekend, one that wore me out but also filled me up. I left feeling really restored and also a little in awe of how good and comfortable I felt the whole time. I tend to get socially exhausted, and before the trip work had been absolutely bat shit insane with annual mailings (think like $3,000 dollars worth of postage going out in like... 3 days, or 1000s of pieces of mail). I was so extremely stressed out about going that I didn't let myself think about it really, like pre-anxiety of thinking it through. I got off work at 3 on Friday, went home and packed as calmly as I could (we got lucky with the weather!! and life is easy when my wardrobe outside of work is linen dressed and a denim jacket/sneakers/sandals). We took the Amtrack to DC which I did enjoy, especially over the stress of air travel and driving. My college best friend lives in DC so he picked us up and we stayed our first night at their house before going to a hotel a couple blocks from the venue the next day.

The show was so amazing in a way that ONLY going to another city to hang out with all your friends can be. Faith/Void crushed it, Big Girl was so so good, Ted Leo made me weep because it was the first time I had ever heard "Me and Mia". When you're standing behind your closest friends/partner and they're all shout-singing along their arms to this pre-chorus, how can you not weep?

But do you believe in something beautiful? Then get up and be it! Fighting for the smallest goal, to get a little self-control I know how hard you try, I see it in your eyes

Really feels like this sums up what I have been working towards, awkwardly and difficultly, but still. Later this month will be two years in Queens, two years since divorcing my life from my former life. I have a great weekend with my partner and got to hug BOTH of my best friends and support an amazing cause and have new experiences and meet some cool people and have good conversations and be in love and all that. A+ start to Pride I'd say.