SISTINE.

A Vienna Summer. 

One Year Ago. July. 

“Vorsichtig sein! Du stolperst, wenn du nicht hinsieht!”

Be careful! You’ll trip if you don’t look. 

Flashes of dirty blonde hair zoom past her, the sound of girlish giggles following behind.  

“Ich meine es so! Oder ich hole euch beide!”

I mean it! Or I’ll come get you both!

Despite the warnings, the two of them continue on with their chasing. From where she’s sitting and watching, Sistine can’t help but laugh, even if they weren’t listening to her. They were at the age where they were testing out childish rebellion like trying on lipstick for the first time. 

Smoothing out the creases in her dress, Sistine enjoys the feeling of the warm air on her skin and the sound of her parents chatting quietly in the back. At twenty years old, she finds new things to enjoy with every summer vacation, even if they’re relatively the same. She’s turned down trips to New York, Mexico, all sorts of places just to have this. 

The sound of wood creaking shifts her attention from her sisters to her grandmother standing behind her, equipped with the yellow rocking chair whose legs were now scraped up from being dragged all over the house.

“Oma! Ich vermisse dich seit Monaten. Danke, dass Sie uns haben.” 

Grandma! I’ve been missing you for months. Thank you for having us.

The older woman waves her hand in the air, shaking her head. Taking a seat in the chair, Sistine watches as she settles down, decades long of experience and life sitting with her all at once. It makes her sad, just a little, to see her grandmother be a grandmother. 

"Ich habe dich sehr vermisst. du und deine Schwestern. so groß! Was tust du jetzt?”

I’ve missed you more! You and your sisters, so big! What do you do now?

Her question thrills Sistine. She had been waiting to see her grandma face to face to update her on all she's done. Excitement like this couldn’t be shared over the phone. 

 "Es ist mein zweites jahr an der Universität von Florenz! Ich studiere immer noch Umweltwissenschaften. Ich habe einen Club für ökologische Nachhaltigkeit in der stadt und auf dem Campus gegründet.”

It’s my second year at the University of Florence! I’m still studying environmental science. I started an environmental sustainability club in the city and on campus!

As she talks, Sistine notices her grandmother’s expression falter. She seems bored, but she carries on anyway. She was so excited. 

“Ich habe mich für ein Praktikum in Oregon beworben. Es ist in Crater Lake, diesem Nationalpark. es ist echte Erfahrung mit Ökosystemen und Forschung.”

I applied for an internship in Oregon. It’s in Crater Lake, this national park. It’s real experience with ecosystems and research. 

Her words are no longer accompanied by the same enthusiasm from when their conversation first began. Sistine’s grandmother isn’t interested and she knows it. 

"Das ist gut, Sistine. Aber sobald du mit dieser ganzen Schule fertig bist, hast du das hinter dir. Wirst du dich niederlassen? Wann denkst du an eine Ehe? Eine Familie?”

That's good, Sistine. But once you're done with this whole school, that's over with you. Will you settle down? When do you think about marriage? And a family?

“Das ist noch sehr weit. Ich habe Zeit.”

That's still very far. I have time. 

“Es ist nicht so viel Zeit, Sie müssen bald anfangen, über diese Dinge nachzudenken. Sie müssen sich überlegen, was Sie als nächstes tun werden.”

It's not that much time, you need to start thinking about these things soon. You need to think about what you're going to do next.

“Was ist, wenn ich als nächstes nur arbeiten möchte? Meinen Abschluss verwenden?

What if I just want to work next? use my degree?

"Das reicht dir im leben nicht, nicht als frau.”

That is not enough for you in life, not as a woman. 

“Warum reicht das nicht? Warum sollte dich das nicht glücklich machen? Warum ist Leidenschaft nicht genug für dich?”

Why isn't that enough? Why shouldn't that make you happy? Why isn't passion enough for you?

Elevating from her seat, her grandmother walks away. She doesn’t have to say anything to let Sistine know that she’s disappointed in her goals. In her passion. 

Sistine watches as she leaves, tears forming in her eyes. Boiling inside of her is frustration, hurt, and sadness. They mix together like colors, painting the inside of her body with hues of emptiness that she didn’t know she had been carrying with her. 

The radical feminine notion inside of her is livid at what her grandmother proposes. A girl with a desire like her, a work ethic so consistent, a craving so deep for success shouldn’t be questioned for her motives. Her accomplishments have become gendered, scaled and ranked on their validity to assess their importance.

Wasn’t this enough in itself? 

While Sistine tells herself over and over again that yes, it is enough, it should be more than enough - her grandma’s words ring in the back of her mind. 

That is not enough for you in life, not as a woman. 

Because, truly, what were accolades, recognition, and applause without someone there to celebrate with? What was the worth in it all to accept awards on a stage and have no one to look to? No one to dedicate a speech to? 

No one to go home to.

She’s kept herself busy and Sistine excuses that her lack of time has not allowed her to create a meaningful relationship. Too focused on school, too focused on work. 

This Vienna summer has not begged her for any of her efforts. She has the time, she’s got it all. 

So what has stopped her?

The fiery feminist inside of her that does not allow her to seek out accomplishments that do not immediately pertain to school or work? 

No. It is the impending doom and knowledge that she may be one of those people. One of those women who have to settle with just enough in life. It makes her angry to think in such a manner, it seems degrading to think so lowly of a life like that. She has the utmost respect for the women who live like this, but Sistine knows that she isn’t capable of being satisfied like that. 

It truly wouldn’t be enough for her. 

It didn’t have to be marriage or a family. It just needed to be understanding. Because, to her, to be understood was to be loved. That was what would be enough for her, as a woman. 

She had told herself, plenty of times, that women were more than just their capabilities of love and care. They they had much more to offer and had the right to want more in life beyond this domesticity.