When will the knowing not matter? I am sorry for both of us.
I know there is no answer. Or maybe I just need to hear all answers, all versions of it from you. Will the knowing not matter then?
What is love but something that is enduring? Is love pain? Is it the uncertainty I feel when I pause, when I hesitate. The anxiety in my stomach?
When we are together I feel okay, better, a little strong. A little happy. With a little knot in my stomach.
When you're gone I am jealous, selfish, insecure.
You told me you wonder what it is like for a person who loves and hates, despises and misses, what is it like for a person to love somebody who continues to hurt them so.
It's violent. I would have rather been backhanded by you, choked to the point of seeing black swirls, let go, and then choked again.I would have rather been knifed, carved out, I would have rather that you were violent with me. Maybe then, I could not have fought with myself. No need to choose between Virla that loves you and Virla that feels little about herself.
The one that loved you won of course. Until she lost. So I had no choice, because you were not violent with me, I had to be the one violent to myself.