of vrila

after no conditions, elvin's path is to go back to trying to establish a relationship with because i am after all not getting back together with him.

after no conditions, my communication+interaction with elvin continued in a manner that was very likely on the line of raising my expectations and hopes, while in the meantime he was actually expecting(?)/trying(?) to lessen our conversations to eventually die out. [in which if he was trying, it hurts because he did many actions that raised expectations/hope. and so it becomes a fault of mine for having hopes and expectations because once again he did not expect it... which then means he was just riding on.... this parts seems like a mirror to what he seeming is experiencing with band mate. (fucked up because he has awareness that it is a betraying when you are just being rided on)

-my getting back together with him is conditional on my own mental state and then eventually on his own level of certainty. -his trying to establish a relationship with is conditional on what? that he is interested in her? that she was who he selected in the beginning of the year? that he felt an emotional pull with how he *found her?(found how? [based of on the song] and also found what?); note that there was a discussion on how it was not really about the person but on elvin's feeling of capability and capacity for interest/thirst for his own life after feeling down and guilty and bad about himself. ---4 August addition

in the present moment elvin agrees to inform if he is going to sleep over at . yet, it remains that he still is likely trying to establish a connection with . (TBD. i should)

is he still trying to establish with ??? possible deep feelings which he also does not know what exactly????

elvin does not know who he is...

possibilities...

[lol elvin iloveyou chat in the middle of writing.lol]

[pausing. putting in drafts. see you in hongkong]

(11:32ph time maybe also HKG time)

Fack im tired. First thought in the head is:

Okay. So maybe elvin’s path after no conditions is establishing a relationship with since i wont get back together.

Uhhhh. Yeah thats a bit shit. And im tired.

See you in germany this thought line

4 Aug 2026 no other additions. it is a good morning here in Germany. Mama is cleaning Niko's place, I am playing Assassins Creed, ate Gilli is sleeping. Niko is at work. We're going to the Asian store later.

And though questions swirl... well questions swirl. Yet I am alive and far away. The wind will take me, I will take me. I have literally gone through many many levels of loss that a person can go through. Pet, loved one, relationship, self, parent, faith.

my mother the nutritionist used to bring me to her work. maybe it started at grade 2 maybe grade 1. i used to get a lot of sore throats at the time.

some time in grade 4, i think she told their doctor to scare me and tell me that they'd remove my tonsils if i still continue getting tonsillitis.

in highschool it was teeth problems. braces. bad dental fillings. cavities. tooth infections.

in college it was gastroenteritis. pooping, a lot, consecutively, and then dehydration. I got admitted a lot too.

I was always in and out of hospital buildings, as patient and also as a visitor to sick family and friends.

I was also the watcher for many family members.

For a time in college, my route was hospital-TC-hospital.

Hospitals are nostalgic. The smell of disinfectant. People wearing mask. The unflattering fluorescent lights. Rude secretaries, nice secretaries. Good natured security and maintenance staff. The always always suspicious elevator keys. Canteens with very varied food. Hospital canteens are my favorite part in hospitals. The garden too.

Hospitals are nostalgic. I'll probably still have many visits for a lot of my life. Either as a visitor, as a watcher, and as patient.

The world's evolved. Everybody wants to be treated and will pay amounts to have explanations.

everyday, there are gifts.

the quiet morning. good weather. workload that I know how to do. chat from Rena. chat from Roy, Rave, Vian, KC. A video call with Aly. a photo of my nephews. a warm, filling breakfast.

the short walk in the downtown streets to reach the museum.

the view of the fire tree at Magellan's cross when I'm walking back from Nanay Tinay.

this afternoon's gift is Bella Padilla and her words:

someday i'll get it. i'll figure out today.

and words, lyrics, strums of a guitar.

I think (of you) all of the time (Now that you're gone) I've been doin' all kinds of drugs To get you out of my mind

('Cause I noticed you don't like me no more) (And) it breaks my heart So I'll just drift away And disappear for a while

It is a rainy, rainy afternoon in Cebu.

I hope the leaves stay, I hope the kids are well. And I hope the adults' knees are not in pain.

thoughts that have been marinating since 6am during my bus ride up to now as I try to get ready for sleep

In May-(June), I only wanted reassurance that he knew what he was dealing with and that he wasn’t just getting swept away by his emotions of being reconnected with me again.

Was he just swept away by his emotions in May?

When selecting paths, I thought he chose path 3 because he wanted to date other people.

Did he only select path 3 because he thought I let him go?

Or

Does he want/desire to date other people?

On Choice:

He said a part of him wants me to date other people so that he can be reassured I chose him and not just because he is there.

Is that why he wants to date other people too? Because he wants to make sure he actually wants to be with me and not just because I am here?

Virla opinion on the two statements above: I already know that there are people/men/guys/boys who are better suited or have more qualities that I like in a partner. Yet in spite of knowing that Elvin has qualities that are ill-suited to me I still choose to stick and stand by him. Can Elvin say the same about me?

Love is not idealization. Telling your partner in their face that they are the best person you know is not a praise, it only alienates. Saying it to others/telling others is much better, because that’s when it becomes a praise.

It becomes alienating when said to the partner because it hints at a level of inequality that otherwise already exists in the world. A relationship is meant to feel safe and freeing. Being granted the best title adds pressure, and makes fear larger. Questions like, am I only being loved because I am the best? If I am not at my best does the love go away? It is those questions arising that comes from feeling alienated.

I say all of that above but I really only know that it applies to me. I am not sure about others, but I do not like being called the best. I am not a big praise person. I would rather be called funny/crazy than be defined as a worker. The best is only a praise if it comes from my boss at work etc, or when a person is talking about me to others.

Does Elvin really see WHO I am? And not WHAT I am and what I signify?

Can he love me in spite of my failures, insecurities, and moods?

I have.

Problem/things I am doing that might be idealization:

I love that I can have alone time even when I am in a relationship with Elvin.

I love the thought of me and Elvin having different interests and hobbies. It gets lonely sometimes but it’s not something I mind so much.

There is a part of me that is inlove with Elvin’s potential. This is bad and unhealthy, as of the moment I cannot think of a way to solve or contribute helpfully to this.

Elvin’s possible deep-seated resentment with me:

I don’t show up to a lot of gigs.

I am not supportive(??)

His feeling of being hidden;

Elvin believes that I’ve been hiding him in the whole of our relationship. I understand such thoughts stem from his self-esteem issues, but two years after graduating I was already a-okay with him meeting my family. In college he also already met my cousins and sisters. He accompanied manang to many pregnancy check-ups already too. In our later years my cousins and aunts even ask about him. It was only ever with mama and papa that I don’t get to talk about Elvin. I flipped a little(wherein i realized that he wasn’t ready to meet my family in a boyfriend manner) when he ran from my mother during an event in TKC instead of showing respect.

Perhaps the fact that i do not post him is also an issue for him????(this part has always been confusing to me, he says he doesn’t mind but sometimes it feels like he minds so much. I feel like it connects to his feeling of not being supported)

His feeling of not being supported is also a bit weird. I was there in his first gigs, before all the trouble. I introduced him and advertised him a lot to Keith, I talk very well about him and his talents to other people. I help edit his lyrics. I just cannot agree that I am not supportive because I am also naturally a supportive person. It’s just that I do not advertise my being supportive, circling back to not posting.

Others;

I am a generally high-self esteem person.

Perhaps because elvin is low-self esteem, thats why he flipped his thinking of me breaking up with him because of the events, into me leaving him/abandoning him. He got a bit lost in the sauce, but also because he was sad and basically technically he was the one broken up with and not the one who broke up.

But such simplistic view is dishonest to the events that occurred. I can sympathize with the Elvin that felt abandoned because that was what I felt. But I cannot agree to the idea and say 100% that yes I abandoned him. I left because there was no Universe that he could reverse everything he said, did, did not do, and wrote. And I could not exist in such a state of double life of loving him and accepting him hurting me unintentionally while asking him to pause/stop.

I have already apologized and do sincerely feel bad that that was what he felt. But I feel like I was able to convey my hopelessness and brokenness in January.

That he tried to reach out and patch things up after a few months, was just very premature. When he reached out I also did not hear any clear plan how we would proceed after the events that happened during those times that he came to me to patch things up. In my head it seemed like he was just jumping back into it again because he was no longer in the band. Though it might be cute that it was all heart, clear headedness and clarity was a lot of what was needed after everything.

What is the most important thing right now?

Nothing. Because technically there is no current us.

What is the most important thing to me now?

That I feel stability and security in my environment. Zero tolerance for the destructive.

What is the most important thing to elvin now?

That he is able to stand up on his own(?)

Everything felt fine When

Now I'm just Michael in the bathroom Michael in the bathroom at a party Forget how long its been

I'm waiting it out 'til it's time to leave And picking at grout as I softly grieve

I am hiding Just ignoring all our history Memories get erased and I'll get replaced With a newer cooler version of me And I hear a drunk girl Singing along to Whitney through the door "I wanna dance with somebody!" And my feelings sink 'cause it makes me think As I choke back the tears

I'll wait as long as I need 'Til my face is dry Or I'll just blame it on weed Or something in my eye

Knock, knock, knock, knock They're gonna start to shout soon Knock, knock, knock, knock Ah, hell yeah, I'll be out soon Knock, knock, knock, knock Here in this teenage battle—zone

Clang, clang, clang, clang I feel the pressure blowing up Bang, bang, bang, bang My big mistake was showing up Splash, splash, splash, splash I throw some water in my face And I am in a better place I go to open up the door But I can't hear knocking anymore

And I can't help but yearn For a different time And then I look in the mirror And the present is clearer And there's no denying, I'm just

apatteu apatteu apatteu

apt apt apt

the brain mistakes planning for doing the brain mistakes planning for doing the brain mistakes planning for doing

Unacted promises damage self-discipline and personal credibility Unacted promises damage self-discipline and personal credibility Unacted promises damage self-discipline and personal credibility Take tiny, manageable steps instead of waiting for a massive burst of motivation. Attach clear, specific goals to your thoughts rather than vague ideas. Repetition matters more than intensity when training new habits.

is it the child rapists? was it Anthony Bourdain himself?

on this note, what's going on with the Epstein list?! when is the sun going to swallow us? when is the next glacier going to melt? when is the meteor coming?

when will my own oblivion come?!

in art making, sincerity does not guarantee an interesting work people think too much about themselves earnestness is being elevated to new heights, there is an illusion of vulnerability as a guarantee to success or reward

self-expression is a claim to identity building

being raw and vulnerable can be a distraction to purpose

hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. yamyam nalang tag bisag unsa aniiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii.

creative vs artistic; creative is the mental process while artistic is the hands-on approach. the engineer and the captain.

SO WHAT?! so what if I still color pages in all black and no figures?

I TRY EVERYDAY! any day.