of vrila

Cried out, to you alone What's in you? Throw me a bone Oh life, what did you know? How do we ever decide?

Careful love, blow it away Let's go there, what do you say? Oh life, why did you wait How do we get to the sky?

Called out, to you alone What made you? Maybe you know Oh life, let it all go How do we get to the sky?

Nothing will come to mind when Alyssa’s voice echoes in your head, “Unsa man imong gipang tolerate Virl?”

And you’ll be okay.

You’ll be okay.

is it the responsibility? am i

Hi Vin. Uhhhhhm. Im trying not to type as I think aron less katag. But that’s what I did sa babaw na chat. Aaaaand Fack. I really hate it. Its dumb. Words like lead on and boundary and. Well di man sila wrong words. Somehow it feels a little dishonest lang. Like ge pull ra nako sa akong luvot to make an excuse. Hah! What I am trying to say Vin is that. Yes I have love for you. And yes, mostly I love you. But also mostly you hurt me still. Daghana nako words Vin oi. Youd think after pila ka months and years of writing to you and for you mahutdan nakog words pero wa man gyud. Sometimes im so in love and in hurt with you i convince myself wala nakoy anger or pangluod. But its still there. Pait kaayo kay i feel bad that im upset with you at the same time kahibaw ko true ako na feel. Harrowing, thats the experience. Sorry. Probably nag write paka stems for fiona. Congrats sa inyo fiddler gig again, i watched the videos. First ever since… Point no.2 is that im not ready to be in today’s elvin’s life. Im sorry. Youknow… i partly blame you for it. Heh. Actually, mostly. If not for things that happened i wouldnt be scared of the city ig gabii, I wouldn’t be afraid of looking at your stories/posts, i wouldn’t be jittery and glassy eyed being in a live music event. I feel so heavy vin. But i am also pulled up when i wish good things and happy things for you. I love you a lot. I will probably love you always. part of my M.O. modus operandi/method of operation. But i dont think i have the emotional capacity, maturity, and mental fortitude. Im not sure maka catch up pa ako heart sa ako brain… or if i have more hearts to give…. i will pray for good things for you Vin. Thank you always.

When will the knowing not matter? I am sorry for both of us.

Why did you do it?

How could you?

I know there is no answer. Or maybe I just need to hear all answers, all versions of it from you. Will the knowing not matter then?

What is love but something that is enduring? Is love pain? Is it the uncertainty I feel when I pause, when I hesitate. The anxiety in my stomach?

When we are together I feel okay, better, a little strong. A little happy. With a little knot in my stomach.

When you're gone I am jealous, selfish, insecure.

You told me you wonder what it is like for a person who loves and hates, despises and misses, what is it like for a person to love somebody who continues to hurt them so.

It's violent. I would have rather been backhanded by you, choked to the point of seeing black swirls, let go, and then choked again.I would have rather been knifed, carved out, I would have rather that you were violent with me. Maybe then, I could not have fought with myself. No need to choose between Virla that loves you and Virla that feels little about herself.

The one that loved you won of course. Until she lost. So I had no choice, because you were not violent with me, I had to be the one violent to myself.

Where am I?

Where

Am

I talk bull, sound unlike myself