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◾I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic.  It’s syncing now. ◾England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool. ◾Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes. ◾This girl today said she recognized me from the Vegetarians Club, but I’d swear I’ve never met herbivore. ◾I know a guy who’s addicted to drinking brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time. ◾A thief who stole a calendar got…

Once upon a time, I sent you a list of paraprosdokians, sentences or statements that have unexpected endings. It means “against expectations” in Greek. Here are some that were new to me: Will glass coffins be a success?  Remains to be seen. What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo?  One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. I went to buy some camouflage trousers…

Some Books I’m Recommending

“How to Write Big Books,” by Warren Peace “The Lion Attacked,” by Claude Yarmoff “The Art of Archery,” by Beau N. Arrow “Songs for Children,” by Barbara Blacksheep “Irish Heart Surgery,” by Angie O Plasty “Desert Crossing,” by I. Rhoda Camel “School Truancy,” by Marcus Absent “I Was a Cloakroom Attendant,” by Mahatma Coate “I Lost My Balance,” by Eileen Dover and Phil Down “Positive…

Clever Poem by Anonymous

*The Mysteries of Anatomy* Where can a man buy a cap for his knee, Or the key to a lock of his hair? Can his eyes be called an academy Because there are pupils there? In the crown of your head can jewels be found? Who crosses the bridge of your nose? If you wanted to shingle the roof of your mouth, Would you use the nails on your toes? Can you sit in the shade of the palm of your…

Punctuation Advice From Dave Barry

How about a dweeb, a dork, a geek? I was wondering where nerds came from, i.e., when the word first appeared. Although Fonzie used it frequently in “Happy Days,” it can be traced to Dr. Seuss’ book, written in 1950, If I Ran the Zoo: And then just to show them, I’ll sail to Ka-Troo/ And bring back a Nerkle, a Nerd, and a Seersucker too! So it’s just a nonsense word, made up by Theodor Geisel,…

Watch Out for IVS

Does your spellchecker have IVS (Irritable Vowel Syndrome)? Breaking news! The inventor of the spellchecker has died. His funnel will be held tomato. Thanks to Richard Lederer, who has written several gazillion books on language, humor, and history.

And Furthermore…

Adding to my pet peeves (language variety), why do people refer to “walking on eggshells”? Those eggs are already broken. The expression should be “walking on eggs.” And why must it always be a “price point”? It’s a price. The point doesn’t ease the financial burden. Please send me words and phrases that make your skin crawl. Thank you.

A Few of My Pet Language Peeves

I say, “a few” because we don’t have time to go over all of them. Like when like some people say “like” before like every other like word. Irregardless is not a word. Yet. Languages change, and if enough people use it, it will become standard. I can wait.I could care less. That means you do care. You mean you couldn’t care less.It’s means it is or it has. Its shows ownership.Loose and lose are…

What’s a Contronym?

Here are 25 of them: Words that have one spelling but opposite meanings. This article is British, but in this case we are not two countries divided by a common language. 25 Words That Are Their Own Opposites Judith HermanHere’s an ambiguous sentence for you: “Because of the agency’s oversight, the corporation’s behavior was sanctioned.” Does that mean, “Because the agency oversaw the company’s…

Despite what you may believe to be true, if you use American English grammar and punctuation rules, this is a fact: PERIODS and COMMAS always go inside quotation marks. No exceptions. (If you use British rules, outside the quotation marks is correct.) You’re welcome.

If You Bought Holiday Cards

If you chose to send a card that says SEASON’S GREETINGS, I hope you checked the card to make certain that apostrophe is in its rightful place. The greetings belong to the season—one season. I have seen cards printed with no apostrophe and others printed with an apostrophe after the final S in SEASONS. You are not sending greetings for multiple seasons. People go crazy with apostrophes. When…

Shall I or Will I?

Do you have memories of stewing over whether to use shall or will in a sentence? You can stop stewing: except for one exception that I can think of, use will. Shall was traditionally used with the first person, singular and plural, I and we. I believe the Brits still favor the use of shall. But here in more casual America, go with will. Here’s the exception. Look at these two sentences: The…

I get the feeling people think everyday and every day are interchangeable. Sorry, they’re not. Everyday comes before the noun it’s giving information about: Traffic jams are an everyday occurrence in Los Angeles. Occurrence is a noun; it’s something that happens, and is preceded by the adjective everyday. But wait! When do those traffic jams occur? They happen every day. Whoever said English…

If you were planning on interviewing for a job in Georgia, you missed hearing some tips. This is what I came across recently: Jason Clark with Southeastern Reptile Rescue discussed how to identify and avoid being bitten by venomous snakes during an interview Thursday, August 19, 2021, in Dublin, Georgia. That, my friends, is a misplaced modifier. I suggest proofreading out loud to catch…

In Latin, “sic” means “thus” or “so.” Use it in brackets [ ] after an error, usually in spelling or as a misuse, in something you are quoting. It’s your way of letting the reader know, “I didn’t make this egregious error. Don’t blame me!”

Some famous people’s takes on history: Henry Ford: History is bunk. Napoleon: History is a set of lies agreed upon. Tolstoy: History is nothing but a collection of fables and useless trifles, cluttered up with a mass of unnecessary figures and proper names. Tolstoy again: History would be a wonderful thing — if it were only true. Clarence Darrow: History repeats itself; that’s one of the…