The Book Inside My Mind

It’s occurred to me

If I had a penny for every time I gave you the benefit of the doubt and ended up wrong, I'd be a millionaire and you'd still be gone.

I’m tired. And when I say that, I don’t mean I need to catch up on sleep. This is a new level of exhaustion. The same kind of feeling that old, creaky forests have during their hundredth year of existence. It’s the feeling of being at a standstill. It’s like I’ve lived my whole life trying to beautify everything around me, and now I’m drained and empty of the necessities it takes to beautify myself. I’ve used all my energy to make everyone around me bloom into these wonderful, flourishing people, and I’ve forgotten to save even an ounce of that energy for myself. My branches that I used to reach out to people and save them used to be young and vibrant, but now they sway wearily in the wind, and occasionally, one will fall off. It may feel like a weight off of my shoulders, but in reality, it’s just me falling apart. I can’t even bring myself to romanticize it anymore. I am tired, and I wish I could find a solution.

I used to be the apple of your eye, but now I'm nothing more than one of the many poisons you've tried.

I'm destructive. No matter who it is, I will always hurt the people I'm close to. So instead of hurting you, I chose to leave. I loved you so much that I would rather hurt myself than hurt you. I promise that this goodbye was not easy.

I have a philosophy that when love is made, it cannot be destroyed. Although it might seem to go dormant for awhile, love that is made can always reappear. It never fully goes away, it just goes into a hibernation if you let it. When I left you, it was because I knew that the love wouldn’t disappear, and when I felt the time was right, we would be able to bring it back. It’s a strange feeling to willingly let love go to sleep. To stand back and sing it lullabies while inside you’re dying. I feel as if I’m constantly walking on glass and trying not to cry out in pain, because I know it will awaken. Part of me feels as though the love we had was exhausted, and we had to let it rest to repair itself. The scariest part about this is that I’m terrified to wake it up. There are so many unknown aspects that come along with waking it up. Don’t get the wrong idea-- I miss this love in such a way that I feel like I’m going through symptoms of withdrawal just from letting it continue to sleep. There’s days where seconds feel like hours, and staring at the clock becomes a force of habit. And then there’s days where I want to set the love on fire to awaken it, but I know that it’s not the right time, so I choose to set myself on fire instead. In these moments, I burn silently, careful not to let you see. I keep my distance when all I want is to be as humanly close to you as I can. But I stay away. And I’ll keep staying away until I cannot take it anymore. This love needs to heal, and I know that when I finally try to wake it from it’s slumber, there’s a chance that it could be ruined. Maybe the sleep will have damaged the love. So this philosophy I have, I still believe is true. Love that is made cannot be destroyed-- however, it can be forgotten in a state of hibernation. So please, when I feel the time has come, let me wake up this love.

It seems that whenever I think I have myself afloat, you grab me and pull me back under water. This is a constant game of give and take, but I'm becoming tired of the constant blunder.

Moving on is voluntary. You have to want it. You have to wake up one day and say, "I'm not going to wait around anymore." I guess I'm just not there yet. I want to keep waiting for you. I don't know what's worse: the heartache of waiting, or knowing that I shouldn't be.

My love is not light. I do not love just to say that I belong to someone. I am perfectly content being alone. My love is not faint. My love is never dull or dim, and you will never doubt that it is there. My love is not easy or free. My love is not forgettable. My love is heavy, and it will weigh you down. It might make you feel as though you are drowning because some days, there will be so much that you won't know what to do with it. My love is bright and shining. It never fails to show itself. It is never a light at the end of the tunnel, but it will be the light that leads your way through the dark and scary parts of life. My love is difficult and challenging and confusing. It is terrifying because of how strong it can be. You will never feel anything else like it. Let me tell you a secret about my love: it turns out, you are the only one who can feel it. My love is yours.

Sometimes, you have to let people go. It hurts like hell, and you don't want to, but it's what's best. Sometimes, you'll realize that the timing is wrong, and you both need to grow as people. So give it time. Explore, and learn, and grow, and don't hold each other back. Realize that if you love someone, you might have to let them go, and no matter how much you want to hold onto them, trust that if they are meant to be in your life, they will return.

It's moving day, and you've packed your things and taped shut all the boxes with your belongings. I stand here watching, but I can't do a damn thing about it, because I am the house, and unfortunately, you ended up just being another guest who only needed a place to stay. I wanted to be your home, not your four month stay. It's moving day. You take all of the furniture and leave me empty. You strip me of all the decor that brought me to life. You take back everything you gave me, and leave me bare, exposed, and alone. I didn't think this was a temporary love. It's moving day, and I saw the way you hesitated at the door. You want to be an architect, so how could you abandon the most amazing thing you ever built? But something makes you leave anyways. I guess I was not meant to be your home, so you glance around one more time, and I can see it in your face. Regret. You lock the door anyways, and that's when I knew you were gone.

I know I'm sentimental,  So I should probably apologize On my heart's behalf. It just seems that when I loved you, I thought you sincerely loved me back. I'm not kidding when I say Every night is a sleepless night,  And without you, I no longer laugh.  And I just realized, I can only apologize For part of my heart, Because you still have the other half.

New Blog!