A Peak Into My Head

Rest on the suspense

We hold surprise burrowed on brows

Unfamiliarity holds the melody

How could company be so gentle

Your hands in my hair

My head rests softly on the couch between us

Thoughts swirl

You have confessed to your ghosts

As I have confessed to mine

You hold the same posture as I do

A hardness to the world

An invitation to each moment

You know what its like

To pull out the heart at the root

Mother, daughter, father

Father loss of control

Daughter loss of belonging

Father familiar with losing daughter

To loss of control

Daughter familiar with losing father

To loss of control

We both mold our bodies

Around hallow hole, wondering

Where the heart went

We get to the root

Harmonize on the crescendo

A gentle karma

To see the fall out

As we both fill out lungs with smoke

Daughter, father, mother

A sharp pain reminder

Of where I stay cast to the shadows

Yet here in the presence of

Another daughter’s father

I am not fully understood

But I am seen all the same

Do I hold gratitude for the gift

Or guilt for borrowing the grace

She could be given?

Father, daughter, mother

I wonder if you feel seen

Like I do

I wonder how much you know

That I feel the tug at the heart

You and your gender confidence.

You knew what it was like to exist in the margins.

You knew how to transmute pain into magic,

Genderqueer punk magic.

You taught me to let it loose

That I‘m not less masc

If I don’t bind my chest.

You taught me how to feel safe in my body

After it was infected with almost cancer.

We took our nonbinary bodies almost dying,

Actively being treated for the sickness

And we made beautiful art

Until we felt alive again.

I fell in love with the magic.

In you, I found a mentor

For love and life and sickness

And magic.

You knew I loved you.

The sickness started spreading to your brain.

You were the genderqueer elder sibling

I always wanted

And you knew.

One day you asked me for my body.

I was so afraid to lose the magic that had kept me alive

That I was too scared to say no.

So, I gave you my body,

And we both got sicker.

The sickness started to eat you whole.

I tried to ask for my body back.

And you sang the song the older men sing.

Suddenly I owed you.

All the magic was debt

And I signed a deal with you.

When your brain became infested by the sickness,

I tried to run away.

But pen ink turned blood and my wrists ran dry.

Blood drops from your tongue as you tell me

The last to refuse you

Never worked again.

Your gender magic turned

Gender hellhole.

But, I refuse to let you take it all.

Leaving you meant risking

Everything,

But I refuse to lose my genderqueer magic.

So, I make my own art now.

Whispered only to paid confidants

Tears smear on fogged glass

Shielding already blurred vision

I have long since left my body

Before cloud cracked open

Yoke coated cheek

Reminding me

It’s July

And it’s been seven years

Since the first time

Garlic-butter love

Melted into fresh egg sandwich

As a plead to forgive

Hot afternoon in the back

Of my Honda accord

When you pushed me into the seats

Lured into bear’s trap by songs sang sweetly

And ripped out my throat

Voice box glitches when I speak

Of Sunday shadows

Guarding the door

Iris grasped in hallucinogens

Searching for solace

Staring out the window

As my yoke drips down your throat

You smile back at me

And lick your lips

Clouds fog the room

Until the exit disappears

Along with sworn assured safety

Previously partitioned into patented promises sanctifying consent

Heart beat screams

Under silent compliance

Close my eyes until you’ve seeped the sheets in satisfaction

I shiver under security blanket

This comforter my only shield

Through your sandwich search

To evade the guilt

Sneaking through sought reassurance

I plead for a drink

Hoping to outrun

When trust frays along

Stitches past sown by singing

Shared stories of bodies lost

To hushed resistance

Catatonia creeps in

My eyes glue open

But I cannot see

That the fog is beginning to clear

I fear returning to the company

Of muscle painted in memory

Cycling through yesteryears

My throat nostalgic

For the glass past filled

Stilling syrupy secrets’ spirals

Spoken only under the influence

I crave to spill them

Let them be witnessed

Out of the shadows

But sticky cheek

Speaks of seven years ago

Catatonia casts judgement on

Memory guarded behind June clouds

That warn private whispers

From solace in the sun.

I hope my voice doesn’t crack

When I finally speak of spring’s second final Sunday

Beaconing soon summer solstice

Drip feed apologies

If we’re lucky

And when we watch

Your fingers grip into flesh

We have learned to look away

Ignorance cannot bleed your claimed vulnerability

It is easier to deny

Your mouth salivates at dissociated bodies

When we pass time

Under eyelids squeezed tight

Fingers crossed for an end to the night

Where our muscles reprieve

The recent fight

Seared to the sheets

We let you taste us

Pour in every last drop

Hope our sweetness

Might drip off your tongue

Or quell the thoughts that leech

On prayers for the death

Of our communion

Detect conspiracy

Bring every detail to light

Demand our penance

As the growling of your stomach

Meets your throat

Shine the lamp in our faces

Swear you saw us steal

Directly off your plate

Recount rogued reminisces

Sweating to meet the month’s end

Rewind slowly each day

that has since passed

Until our limbs grow softer

And quiver at pursed lips

Bare your teeth

As you hold hostage

Our hand cooked meal

Watch as it molds again,

Discarded

Picked apart, never tasted

You claim you lost your appetite

When we looked each other’s way,

Soft and slow,

Like we live on borrowed time

We compost the hands once held

And cast counting the hours

Demand reciprocity

Then take twice your fair share

Don’t leave enough

For the room

We spoke softer

Moved slowly around you

While you stopped sleeping

Hands grasped onto tomorrow

Torturing you into starvation

Your mind whispers poisoned wonders

If we feast without you

Dine in nectar and bliss

Punish us for what you could have missed

And with each minute passed

A now rescinded invitation

Meets resented investigation

Longer than the last

We rush to embrace in the shadows

Solace knowing you cannot stomach

That in which the graveyard lays

The only space where worry

Does not have to wonder

Has it been too many seconds

Since we last asked you

about the caged bird singing

I thought they sang anyways

I listen to their choir outside my window

I used to think their song

couldn’t be any different

Small things like this are insignificant

The small things are insignificant

The way he touches me is insignificant

The way his tongue clicks is insignificant

Voice yells louder but it’s insignificant

Tongue clicks harsher, it’s insignificant

Then tomorrow happens

And it’s still insignificant

Then the day after tomorrow happens

And you can’t remember why

But there ways something, somewhere

That was significant

You start to hum their tune

And remember again

It’s all insignificant

I spent the day away today

Listened to their chorus in the sky

Came home and stared in the window

Grass on my ankles

It was always significant

I have their notes on my lips

When I walk through the door

And I lose them

On the inside of this window

I cannot hear their song

There is nothing left to remind me

It was insignificant

Tell me again

The song was always in my head

It never existed all along

Tell me again

Say it louder, slit in my face this time

Tell me you never heard a sound

Outside these walls, Maya promised

We will hear another sound

It was always significant

Lock the doors

Barricade me in

Please remind me that

It was always insignificant

I blink and they’ve flown away

And you say they were never really there

For the wisdom of your eldership

Has a lot to teach me

We stare at one another

I vocation as professor between

Sleepless nights on vacation

Am I a good student to you now?

I accept your gospel

Keep the notes on my lips

When I speak of us

Did I learn my lesson?

I won’t ask you to learn yours

I submit to your punishment

Disguised as play

If you hit me

Could you forgive me

For falling in love

With her…

With you?

How did I love you

Through unlearned lessons?

You couldn’t believe me

Not even when I told you

So many times my lungs gave out

I vacation as professor

And vocation as your partner

The brunt of the labor

Between the sheets

When we stare at one another

After wide-eyed sleepless nights

Breathless

I dig my heals into the floor

Rip open my chest

Tear out the muscle

And slam it before you, bloody

Pause the sermon

Of those who know best

Did I pass all of your tests,

Blue collar still on your boots

Let’s swirl in the milk

Pour sugar into past memories

Can we reminisce

Hear all that we’ve missed

To answer your wish

Even if we’ve undone the stitch

Could we go to dinner

Without your new love calling me a sinner

I’ll stay away until you say

It’s alright to remember

Time is an illusion that doesn’t make sense

Rebecca Sugar and the present tense

I hope to know you again

But even if it’s long past the end

Holding on to memories from when I was 16

My instinct when the world falls apart

A tower card in the pull, a sudden sting,

A silent beat of the heart

I hold my breath when I think of you

Remembering sitting with our souls in the dark

I don’t dare to release

That pain and love I still feel

Soaked in crashing waters

But, I don’t know you anymore

Protection led to a locked door

Is this all in my head, a convenient fantasy?

I still think of all that you once said

And what I once believed

Heart sewn on my sleeve

Scars I once sought to bleed

When it first became unsafe tangled up

In the sheets falling off your bed

I have ghosts of the words once said that still haunt me

Their moans echo through sex with welling eyes

The tears the warmest comfort

Clean sheets stained

Heart pangs

My stomach drops to the floor

But I wash the sheets once again

Every time they do the same, unable to ignore

How have I not stopped abandoning myself?

Once more I crave the past

How much time is needed to heal the wounds

Etched tightly, hardly aware of what was beginning

Back then, the start of a cycle still not laid to rest

I miss the feeling of those black and milds in my chest

God, how I crave you

And the escape that idealizing you once was

You once told me that my eyes remind you of the ocean

The tease of the breeze and release impales

My chest tight with walls encroaching

How to trust myself in the exhale

Without sounding a call

Try to give grace to the stitching

Without hearing that you miss me

I pray to the past too

Especially when I forget my gratitude

For all of where I have been

And for all my travels have held for me

Hope and broken hearts buried in sand

Healing in the very waters that once consumed me

The exhale of the ocean meets the shore

Waves soothe the sin

My body is not my own

My voice is not mine to speak

My heart is not mine to hold

I used to wear it on my sleeve

Give it away to anyone I’d meet

Reached out my hand hoping

To see the tips of the fingers

Soon to be wrapped around my throat

Take my skin into your arms

Extract it from my bones

Pull the organs from the beneath the muscle

I wasn’t strong enough to fight you off

Anyways

My dad was the first man who taught me

The thrill of the chase

His euphoria rising

As the blood pumps faster

Did you feel the rush

When I was bleeding on our sheets?

When you left me sitting there

Barely any skin left to hold me

From spilling out

And you got another drink

World too fuzzy to think

At least that’s what you said

When it was all over

At least that’s what you said

When you were sober

I tried to run, I tried it hide

But I almost forgot

Whose body holds my insides

And when my mouth opens

Your breath on my lips

Soaked in Sauvignon blanc

Another time the gasp didn’t escape my throat

You forgot you said

I wrote our safe word on the wall

Please be gentle

Can you hear me over the alcohol

My dad was the first man who taught me

It was my mistake

The blood spilled is on my hands

Heart drowned in the bottle

Reach for what’s left of the muscle

Glue it to bone

A loose figment of my soul

I almost forgot

The solace in the shadows

Maybe you’ll forget to lock the bird

In it’s cage before you sleep

Snore through consent

I hope it takes the chance to fly

When your eyes are closed

It’s only hope to sing its song

Again

Ill pack my bags

Spray myself in pesticides to disinfect

My dad was the first man I had to escape

Pull my body closer

Until space dissipates

And the lights become stars

Let them turn my thoughts to gas

If I breathe you in

My heart will still

And my bruised ribs can heal

From the pounding

That’s forgotten how to rest

Since I met you

I want to dance with you again

Hold your curves a little firmer

Grip my hands a little tighter

Dig my nails

Into palms made bloody

Trying to touch the stars

Leave your taste in my mouth

Suffocate me under you

Tie my hands behind my back

With complexion painted so holy

I wouldn’t want to escape you anyways

Please don’t turn off the music

I fear for fire extinguished

And a mere curtsy to blood once shed

Can’t bare the sound

Of dust breathed so loud

I want to dance with you again

Allow me to worship you

And I’ll say another prayer

And promise to never stop

How do you seem

To haunt the epilogue

This plot should have been resolved

In the final chapter

With our final phone call

And that last goodbye

But there are still ghosts of you

Standing in my hallway

Still knocking the pictures off the walls

My mouth is still bloody

From the last time I kissed you

It’s been a year

And I still lick my lips

Trying to taste you

But ghosts moan louder

In bitter winter

Yet I cannot stop myself

From reaching for them

The sweetness of chapter one

Will not wash these months away

So let me please

Make covers meet

And writers end

May you stay in my memory

For safety in love

I’ll hand over the gun

Knowing you’ll put it in my mouth

Maybe I get off on the thrill

Or the fact that maybe 

I’ll feel the burn in the back of my throat

Leave more fingerprints on my skin

Claim my bones

And squeeze them tighter in your fists

So I cannot sneak out of my skeleton 

But don’t worry

I’ll still love you covered in bruises

Or nails printed onto my throat

It will be seven years 

And don’t wish be engulfed by them

Maybe they will hold me like you did

But all I did was fill the space she left

You’d watch her wander across the sky

I’ll never look like the sun

But baby you were an Icarus

And I poured rain on your wounds

But it stung on your skin

You were never ready to let me in

I reached my arms out wide for you

Ripped open my chest

Washed away the tar that coated my lungs

I keep them in my chest

When I hold my breath

Try to swallow them down

With another bong rip

Blood boils and my pulse

Grows restless then ambitious

As it beats against my skin

You look so small there

Sitting in front of me

How does it feel to not know

I’ll be silent still

Pretend I’m shivering

Say it’s the windchill

Or because we can’t afford heat

I want to cut my lungs out

Every time my memory

Gets the best of me

My throat has become sore

Raw and red

It’s become too big to swallow

before you believe in God

Assume there is nothingness

And no one can save you

Or wants to

Even you will relinquish to the disappointment

You do not have what it takes

To save yourself

The sun is setting

And the crickets are chirping

They warn you that it will be a while

Before you see the sun

Engulf yourself in the sound

Leave your body to be closer to them

Let there be an end

Turn yourself in

To the angel that fell from the sky

And maybe he’ll tell you

How misery can make the best company

Because it will never leave

And you can never disappoint

What exists within your failures

Succumb to flames

Let your failures consume you

As you cannot be all of the good things

I am in love

with loving people

who cannot love me back

say your woes

for the ones who try

the poor souls

are damned

watch them go up in flames

as the sun gets too close

my edges are pretty

lust for the light on my curves

peal back my skin for a peak

see the ribs and smoke and gasoline

they fill my chest

allow my heart to hide

but let the air inside

and you’re bound to watch me explode

careful not to be caught in the crossfire

or your skin will char

and you will harden into stone

and your heart will melt to ash

say your woes

for the ones that try

for I will engulf them

love cannot put out the smoke

you are bound to be lost with the others

I will say a prayer

at your descent

honor you for begging

to touch the unreachable

digging the trenches

to hunt down another loch ness monster

will not guarantee it exists

you cannot be sure

there is still a muscle left working

beneath the layers of tar

and the shame feathers

you are better off

treading only a little too close

staying on the edges

you will be safer this way

do not attempt to open my chest

please baby

let me protect you

it is the only apology