Changing Tumblr Neighbourhood

I stopped. I stumbled. For a microsecond there - When I was writing “Who Loves Me..” I stumbled. Because,  it is difficult to believe in something that you did not believe for so long. I did not believe that anyone could love me. And deep down, all I really wanted was a chance to love someone.  I was wrong.  I spend too much time saying sorry because that is the default. That is the Side A of my cassette that has been stuck in a loop,  since I can remember thinking about the second voice  in my head. And sometime, I can unspool it. Set it correct.  Turn to Side B. And sometimes, I believe that’s where it will stay.  I was wrong.  It’s been 4 years now that I have tried to made sense of  the puzzle-box called “my brain”. And I have gotten better at it. I know when to not say the things that my head asks me to.  I know where to stand. And when to hold. And how to say things, that I am not sure are fully formed thoughts in my head.  I was wrong. 

I have unspooled and then collected myself together many times. So many times, that it feels un-natural at times to not unravel.  To have good days and believe in us. And not doubt. To think that I deserve the happiness that we have. In fleeting moments.  To know that I am not deliberately sabotaging us.  I was wrong.  It is torture to watch you ask me for something I don’t know.  “Tell me what is happening inside your head” you said. I am  good at words. Mostly. And this is when they decide to fail.  I have no idea how to describe what is in my head. Without killing  what is in my hand. You and me. A dream.  I was wrong. 

I thought I am over the hump. I have the sunset. And I will walk with you, to the bright side. I will be strong.  I will let you love me. And understand your asks. Be gentle. Be like someone you will want to love. But that is  where I stumbled. I am not to try. I am.  I was wrong. 

I have been asking myself this question repeatedly for the last one week and I am at a point where I am ready to shoot myself. I am ready to put a bullet through my head to ensure that I do not hear this question in my head ever again. How do you explain to anyone in the world, let alone yourself why you are the worst when the world is probably at the best. Most of the time it just makes you feel like a grinch and then sometimes you feel like a burden to the nearest and dearest ones. 

I have not been able to go and visit my therapist either. She has a marriage to attend to and things are just not working out. So I am not sure how to interpret or deal with this. What we discussed last year is not working out this time. I can’t lock myself in a room for 4-5 days and refuse to see the real world till I can come out of the room to face whatever is that is in my head. 

The problem with sanity is that you have to work on it. Everyday. Bit by bit. And it is easy to say that this too shall pass. And it is easy to say that I am going to show up for the battle everyday. Bruised and battered but I will. In reality though it is difficult. Sometimes it is so difficult that you cannot do it. 

So you have the days that are called bad days. Nothing is more misleading than those two words. The feelings you go through are as big and as small as they can be. And I am having them and waiting for the storm to pass. And I know that the storm will break some things. I am hoping it won’t break the most fundamental ones.