Dear You,

My mom says when it’s time she’s going home and not to hospice I pray for God to save her and heal her but so far He’s said no I pray for the right technique, the right machine to keep her from death The right dosage, the right doctor I want to put the spark of life back in her eyes The tumor is inoperable But she is not a goner She is an amazing teacher She never did anything wrong I do not see her surrender I know she will stay fighting until the end

Your name is best served unpeeled just like secrets and horsing around You cut me like reefs You hold me while I shake You taste me and I inhale you It gets me down, down, down It’s always urgent It’s not structured I can never tell where we are You have naturalized beauty like a model You’re too eager I think promising is unwise We’re hardly adults and hearts break when two people are so tightly squeezed together We’ll last as long as we do

I guess you could say I’m book smart Going through the baroque period of hell I want to be good enough I want it to sell Listening is an art form Sometimes it’s the perfect medicine That’s why music can make us feel so alive I think I may have something the world needs to hear I’ve spent a fair amount of time with blood outside my body and my mind gone And somehow I found my way back We start and stop syncaptedly The story plays on and on

“You are a fucking legend.” She says to me I am all crazy with no money Working and sinning Everything behind me Self invented Never on the road I dream of glory I’d rather have this than a dry dreary life When I write it leaves me naked I can get quite full of myself These words taste good These whispers to my brain are like an orgasm I got on and you got off More, more, more magic But you? You are gone

I will make a poem of you Your hair curled into the cursive and your smile stretched into every syllable The pages flushed with your blush and the words speaking of your indecision If read aloud I will sing it and try not to sound so broken We were a happy accident and it’s woven into every line So is the uncertainty I will make a poem of you To you it will sound silent Because you will never witness it

My life has been a constant dance between life and death Sometimes it fills my head with hope Other times with holes I write of loss and the way she refused to lower her voice I have nightmares and flashbacks of suffocating I know there’s a small child inside of me that’s still hiding the girl who lay under the dinner table because she couldn’t look her parents in the eyes when they found out she was hurting herself again These scars are mostly white now I wear them openly and don’t feel the need to wear longs sleeves in 80 degrees Just so I can blend in If you met with me I would tell you you’re all I’ve been waiting for Take my hand and we’ll walk together

When the lightning cracks I wonder if you’re thinking of me like I am of you I miss the feel of your hands on my shoulders We’re both proud to be American But we also remember what it means to be downtrodden and afraid to admit who we are We’ve always had fights We’ve always gone long periods without speaking to each other But this time I feel like I wronged you You roll your eyes and mine cloud up Be mine again I miss the sound of my name on your tongue When you talk to me I can tell the electricity is gone I feel like hiding But instead I expose myself and admit I’m struggling Is our bond strong enough to withstand the problem this time?

In the morning she kisses me east to west In the evenings she traces the sun down Heat and shadows Dance in these polka dotted sheets I am full Memories of monsters sharp and uneven keep spitting on me I’ve been in many a park after dark Cars in front of houses at our spots and pouring bong water out the window when we’re through I don’t remember being handcuffed or letting my brain rot for three binge filled months I just remember the hospital bills I remember the lonely nights and how we buried him I remember what an ass I was and how I was outnumbered when they wanted to jump me The world is big but right here I feel safe This is our room and it fills me with joy Sorrow always creeps back in It’s pulled to me by forces unseen But for now I want you to drench me in everything you’ve got

I walked out without so much a goodbye and drove away I see myself on the side of the highway Sleeping on the streets and dying of exposure in the snow People ask me why I hand dollar bills out my window Why I talk to strangers Why I refuse to admit that anyone is less than I wonder what would have happened if I hadn’t quit while I was behind How I would be if I was still held captive by bottles and pills I might be curled up in my coffin Or trapped in a cage I hear echoes I take off all of my clothes and stare into the mirror I wonder where my home is and stay up all night It’s hard to sleep when I’m so confused I keep seeking answers and going down these roads alone I don’t need anyone But I love everyone I’m so glad that I decided to stop running out on myself

I never tire of you But I do of long fussy goodbyes and the growing velvet silence Placing emphasis on my scars hurt My moon eyelashes dripped tears You seized the best parts of me Time is only a perception Your mouth was upside down and full of flames I asked if you could see me You said we don’t even share the same sky anymore That mine is frozen and yours is full of dreams I ran all the way home Drew a fault line in the sand Retrieved my stance and wept into my pillow case wanting happiness

January is extra cold this year Every surface Every evergreen Frozen I am finding myself Trapped By giants (and grinding gears) The naked light cracks my ribs and the shrapnel skitters over the snow I let many drugs enter my system and overnight I was banned from Greensboro I feel like someone’s watching me There are shards of broken picture frames that I threw at the wall It sounded like gunshots This disaster subtracts morning from night

The train pulls into the station and he is wounding me Everyone thinks we are sweet But his arm is around my shoulders and his strong hands slip into my shirt Palms in my panties Guiding my hands Below I am pinned down and the breath is knocked out of me I am four years old His lips are always chapped when he kisses me This isn’t what I imagined having a boyfriend would be I thought it would be lingering stares with steam and affection The skies bright blue and I wish my cat could protect me I stick my fingers down my throat and try to throw up so my parents will cancel our plans But he still shows up like clockwork Roughly kissing me in my bedroom I am light headed It’s too much for me to understand The dance of adults Is a cup and I am dying of thirst In my mind I make the statement I will hide my sorrow I will forget these moments I will ferment But then I tell He stopped touching me but he never stopped hurting me

Her look is summer and she has Chanel glasses Shimmering light bulb flashes She is still I am just a number Sick of being in slumber I surrender to agreement The love of my life will never be my wife She plays games on my weaknesses Tugs at my speechlessness The math isn’t difficult This isn’t real Respectfully steel There is only this There isn’t time The future chimes

She tastes like black fireworks in the dark night sky We kiss instinctually She calls me a tease and it hammers at my heart She drums her fingers on my hip bones and tells me hour glasses are overrated She slides into me and my mouth goes dry as rain taps on the window and she gives me direction She doesn’t give me diamonds She gives me impeccable touch This is new territory for me I have the capability of building a family It’s not just the flesh It’s deeper than that In one movement there are 16,000 nerve endings and I try to keep from flailing I want to make you feel thunderstorms pulsing We plateau We settle and I know I won’t ever regret it I love her daughters like they were my own We are a team

It’s amazing how you split me right down the middle Half of a person can feel so little It’s amazing how I entirely changed Stepped backwards in pain Amazing I fell in love and fell out So fast you couldn’t even shout I had given up I had had enough It’s amazing how I pretended that it was hard for me to end it When you bit me with your venom It released me from this prison

I cried again today It’s only the third time this year I don’t throw tantrums and ball my fists now that you’re no longer here I’m 23 and single with no idea how to live how to love how to speak and when it’s harsh how to forgive I go through photographs online They decorate my mind Oval faces Ridiculous places Autonomous good times But without you I don’t know if I can handle These shy feelings These high ceilings People put on their mantles Tell me where it hurts and make me an example

She is almost thirty one and I am almost twenty four But she’s lovelier than me I’m fresh out of college and she’s fresh out of a marriage I think I may have blew it When I didn’t make a move Now I see her every day and know she’s going home to you Her eye’s are unlit I want to give up my jungle love and fill her empty pieces kiss her everywhere but It’s been almost three years I’ve been sassy and a friend but you are still together I shouldn’t be the reason that it ends