"All the things I love are going to disintegrate."

I look back periodically over the things I wrote late at night when I couldn't sleep for drowning in my own emotions.

Some of them seem so alien to me now. How could I have ever doubted that? How could I have ever wanted him back? Etc, etc.

But there's one thing. One thing I keep coming back here to say, again and again. One thing I keep writing songs about, over and over.

One thing that inspires me to be beautifully poetic unlike anything else.

The one thing that has brought me here tonight.

The one thing I'll never have.

It's been something like 8 years now. I will never be okay until I say something... and I'm probably never going to say it.

The weird thing is I've been doubting myself so much lately that I started to genuinely wonder if I'm actually only attracted to girls and I just don't know it. I'm genuinely having a sexuality crisis and it's not even funny.

But then... he shows up, and my God. Why does perfect have to be so... not mine?

I want to crawl into a hole and die, but no, I don't - I fucking want to tell him. Damn it all to hell.

I have no one to vent to and my head is basically exploding over this. I can't sleep.