My Writing Blog.

I have never seen anyone smile so much, than when he looks at me.

I don’t know if he even wants that.

I think I may be settling again,

for someone who tolerates who I am,

I really don't want to do my work today. And I'm not sure why. I am very anxious about having that one person come in at 1pm. I find it hard to focus on my work before then. But really, I should take advantage of this morning and my time off to finish all those google docs for those intake assessments. I want a ton more time to deal with the things I'm dealing with every week. But at the same time, I wonder if I keep scaling back how much I work every week, that I will never stop decreasing my working hours, and that I will eventually be working so little that I am not making enough money, and that I will then get used to how little I am working, and not be able to come back to working more. Which may be true. But also, I think I tend to push myself at work, which will probably always come back to me; I will probably always want to be taking on more.

On a separate note, I think my social anxiety will always be there. Hard for me to remember that if I have been doing good for a while.

Sometimes I get nervous about something, but I am not even consciously registering it that I am nervous about it.

I don't know if I can keep doing this job, and keep up with the demands of it. It's also hard, because I have very high standards for myself, and will always be unsatisfied with my performance in this part of my life. Always always always more to constantly be working on/towards.

"A year? It's been a year, and now you come around?"

I haven't been wanting to write in my actual journal for a while now, not sure why. But here I am.

I just wanted to tell somebody (kinda) that I feel so many feelings, so deeply, and I know that is one guarantee for me in my life. That I will always return to feeling overwhelmed by what I am feeling from time to time. Not from conflicting feelings, but from how fucking intensely ______ (sad, happy, etc.) I am. I don't think I feel anything else intensely other than sadness or happiness now that I think of it. Sometimes I feel like the overwhelming happiness is the most unbearable of them all. I can't explain it. But the agitation that I feel. Maybe it is guilt for not always feeling this happy, or for not feeling this happy more often. Maybe I feel guilty for not enjoying every moment in life.

I wish I could talk about my day at work. I need to know how I can do that. Because of the nature of my work, I can't. And my supervisor is, well, she's great. But I think we dont' have similar approaches to things and when I bring up a concern I have and am honest about it, she seems to have the attitude of "well why does this bother you?" It's hard to fit into the work world when all I care about at work is work, and I am a bit of a perfectionist and care so much about getting everything right.

-

The sadness sometimes feels like living.

Like I was always going to feel this way.

Like everyone feels this way.

I feel equally sad and happy at the same time, about everything that I've ever experienced in my whole life happening at the same time.

I love so many people.

I miss everyone that I used to talk to that I don't talk to anymore.

Especially people from earlier on in my life. From 10 years ago. They are people who I really wish could see me grow. I wish I was around long enough to become a better person and have them benefit from that. To apologize. To learn to become closer with them. To be there for them. I really miss my friends who saw me at my worst. I miss the good times I had with them. I wish I could have grown with them. Why the fuck did I run away from my problems all the time? It was "an adventure" in loneliness, and avoidance, and not knowing how to make the people around me a part of life. I know how to move into a new apartment, but god forbid I let someone see the real me, or learn how to be closer to someone. It makes me so sad that that has been how I have coped with things.

I just don't know if I can do both jobs at the same time. I really don'T feel like I can.

I don't want to quit.

I'm nervous about running out of money again.

But at this point, maybe things have changed, and I feel more afraid of my side job getting in the way of me being able to be an ethical and good clinician at my main job. I really feel like it is getting in the way of me being able to do my dream job, and I am at a risk of losing that job. I really feel like I should quit my n180 job, in order to do better at my main job and be able to really focus on that.

I also need to not ignore the signs in my life, telling me what my limits are. It is a LOT of work and (social anxiety) stress, doing both jobs. It would be better if I was just doing one of them, tbh.

I'm ashamed of my lack of organization that I've had with clients, and also feel like I am not doing as good of a job as I could be doing. With scheduling, preparing for sessions, continuing education, and with actually being present to the best of my abilities during sessions.

Part of me, (a part of me that seems to be very loud in my head at the moment), is thinking that I won't be able to keep any of my clients. That I will not be a good therapist, like actually at all. I'm afraid that clients don't want to connect with me, and find me very unhelpful, and even judgmental.

I'm afraid I won't be able to do it all, and show that I care in a way that other people will pick up on. But at the same time, I have some skills that are a really really good fit for this career path, and I am very good in some other areas that other therapists are maybe not so good at. So maybe it is just that I am a certain style of therapist, who works well with certain clients who like that approach. Maybe I just need to find what that style is exactly, and really hone in on it.

I can't believe this was my life two weeks ago. It doesn't feel like it. It feels like I am a completely different person than I was 2 weeks ago. When really, not a whole lot of anything changed or happened when I was away. It was kind of a blur of a week and a half. Haven't really processed any of it yet. But also, there's really not much else to process. Just don't want to be in this life right now. Don't have the energy to do my job or look up the things I wanna look up or be the person I was two weeks ago. I guess that also reminds me that I don't even need to be the same person that I was two weeks ago.

There is so much that I want to do and experience that I am excited about! But also, I don't want to feel like myself, or like anyone at all. I don't want to think too hard about/at all about who I am or who I want to be. I feel a weird shift between who I know I used to identify myself as, and how I feel now.

I'm afraid people see me a certain way. Especially in my job. I don't want people to doubt that I know what I'm doing. It's kind of hard for me to present as someone who is confident, when a lot of the times I am struggling to put forward a normal face. Like my face is normal, for me. But I think maybe some pwople do not see it that way, or they simply do not understand.

I don't even feel like I should be doing this sometimes. Like I don't belong doing this. Imposter syndrome I guess.

I want to feel confident in my abilities, but also, realistically, I know that will come with time.

It would be nice to talk to other therapists my age, who are starting out, that would help a ton!

-

-I love my friends, and wanna do more things with them!!

-I guess I am still a little bit on the fence about moving in with my bf, because he is more messy than I am, and I don't wanna be around clutter all the time. I also don't wanna deal with there being sound on all the time, he is always watching or playing or listening to something. I know that he would be considerate though and either turn the volume down or put headphones in if I ever asked him to. He would do it everytime I asked him, actually. I don't want to be asking him to always turn it down though. I don't want him to not feel comfortable in his own space. I will have to spend some time with headphones in, in a separate room, as well as time out of the house with friends, going for walks, working out, etc.