Aureate

Days are getting shorter (literally, Google it). So, I'm gonna start building the life that I want.

Here's my game plan.

Journal. To think things through and process thoughts through writing.

Learn. Whether I like it or not, I will grow old. I'd like to be wiser by then.

Gratitude. The world is full of shit, but there are things to be thankful for.

Mindfulness. I'm here. I'm alive.

Positive change. I am an agent of change. I want to do good for myself and others.

Here's a broad update on my state of mind. For one thing, I thought I'd gotten over my angsty self but heh, who am I kidding? I'm still sad, frustrated, and anxious. It is getting better, though, since I've let someone in my vulnerable mental space.

I guess I'm a social being, after all. It's really different from having someone who is on your side--and not antagonize me for my mistakes. Instead, I feel supported to right my wrongs.

Despite having the person I can call my happy place, I still feel like my life is swaddled in a dreamless fog. I'm taking several detours, and the life that I want feels so out of reach.

I thought I could turn away from writing about things like this. Yet, here I am, taking a pitstop and airing out my emotional baggage.

06.10.19.

You could never ask for an easy storm but you can strive for sturdy shelter. Years of studying has to culminate at some point, but learning does not end there. I may struggle on keeping tabs on everything but I sleep knowing that I did my best and comforted that tomorrow brings something else.

Now is not the time for giving up, rather it is a time that I am tested under flames of honing. The goal is to become sharper for the next feat to overcome.

There is peace in prayer. I admit I am not the most prayerful person, but I do know the effect of prayer has on me. It brings a sense of balance in my relationship with myself and everything around me. I pray for those in a similar situation as mine. I pray for those who may not share in the same fortune.

I strive to become better because, like a child's dream, there is a want to do something for the world. Although life brings one unhappiness after another, I am blessed that there is beauty in this life. I struggle to clutch on this hope and I would be willing to fight tooth and nail for what I want. Perhaps, changing myself is the first step to changing everything around me.

I feel like a walking contradiction that spews one cliche after another, but I know in my heart of hearts how idealistic I truly am. To the same ideals, I know I could get through this.

but the loud riffs and screaming in my ears are starting to sound like me sobbing

the melodies that filled the dead air was cut mid-note like someone who's breath was caught

right, the battery's dead

smudged ink blotted pages hands still fluttering heart what are the words pretty as a feather deep as a cavern strong as gin sweet as a song lovely as spring

but nothing seems to hit it

in other matters hello hello, lately i've been to happy to be posting angsty things online but then here we are