I hadn’t slept in my own house since the night you left. A few times, I came back to get things, as the heat wave released it’s ecstatic embrace on San Francisco and gave way to the empty gloom of peninsular July. Each time it was a quick in-and-out affair, my room left in its same way but ever so slightly changed.
It was a week before I came back for more than 7 minutes. After our farewell, I tried to sleep but mostly wept. Sleep never quite follows whiskey, like a puppy just learning to be off-leash, and so I slept fitfully and slipped out quietly the next morning. I was housesitting and had to get over there before my parents came to get me. It was the Fourth of July, and of course, we had a family event.
But even at my grandparents’ house, I only slept. I slept full nights, and took three hours naps in the daytime. I blamed the heat, even though I grew up in the desert, claiming I had acclimated to the particularly frigid microclimate of the Richmond district. When they brought me back into the city, they dropped me off, then went for lunch and to a museum. None of us really wanted to be with me.
The rest of the week, I slept and read and slept and watched TV and slept. My housemates weren’t really sure where I had gone. I went to the employment agency, and went to pray at the shrine, and went to buy food.
The weekend after you had left, I made it to the services because there was no one really to sing them, and I lent my weak and world-weary voice in praise. I finally went outside, and there was finally sunshine.
Monday, I came home. I still had to take care of the cat at the other house, and I would be back there in a few days, but my cousin was in town. And why would I take my cousin to the other house, where I came face-to-face with and thrashed against and acquiesced to meaningless heartache?
I miss you more than anything in the whole wide world right now. But soon, I won’t miss you so much. Soon, someday soon, maybe I might admit that I loved you and let it go, let every little thing go. Every hug, every look, every word, every adventure. I might just blow it all away, like a dandelion.