i've been typing, erasing, and retyping here. i'm trying to find words that could describe how i feel at the moment but nothing comes to mind. i'm not entirely sure if it's because im sick, but a part of my brain tells me it's much more complex than that, and i feel like the sickness just intensified the feelings i was trying to shrug off lately.
when i was younger, i've always thought of myself as a leaver - i thought the moment i graduate, i'd be moving out of the house instantly. i can easily detach myself from things that aren't aligned with what i want or believe in - kaya nga ang bilis ko nagresign sa first job ko. hahaha.
but then circumstances changed, i wasn't able to move out. and i think for so long, i've made myself believe that i'm at peace with that. but netong nagkasakit ako, i felt like i suddenly lost my agency? idk if that's the right term but i feel too dependent sa parents ko, di naman kasi ako sanay na bine-baby at inaalagaan. i'm not saying that i was intentionally dismissed or neglected as a child, but i guess help was something that wasn't explicitly offered to me while growing up, so it never occurred to me that it was something i can ask for? and now that it's being offered to me, it feels weird and unfamiliar and uncomfortable. medyo hirap lang rin siguro akong iprocess kasi the past few months parang ang daming shift sa dynamics ng mga relationship ko that i'm being forced to accept. and if you know me, i don't react well to change (good or bad man yan). it's really an odd feeling because i have years of evidence in my brain that says i have to figure things out alone then suddenly i'm being handed a different script and it feels so awkward and out of character??
i guess that feeling and the dynamic shift led me to thinking na i really need to move out?? big life change ang atake para kunwari in control pa rin sya sa buhay niya and to prove myself na i'm still the strong independent gurlie that i know. also, parang it triggered a thought in me and i just kept thinking about when i'll get to build my own life? it's not like they're holding me back on purpose, it's just that di talaga kaya ng financial situation. but iniisip ko rin, baka pagod lang talaga ako - about the financial situation, about being responsible, and putting my dream of living independently on pause. tapos nagkasakit pa ako bigla, parang lalong na-intensify talaga yung pagod and kawalan ng control sa buhay. baka need ko lang talaga gumaling para makafocus na ako uli sa pagbuild ng life na gusto ko for me and my family.
all this kasi narealize ko kanina na when i was living alone in the dorms sa manila ay i can thug things out naman kahit pilay-pilay pa ako. hahahaha.
niweys, yun lang, gusto ko lang siguro i-vent dito kasi sawa na akong titigan to sa notes app ko. hahahaha.
