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thinking thoughts about captain eddie seeing probie buck with a baby on a call and getting sooooo horny about it.
like up until that point he just thinks buck is this irresponsible little frat boy who will flirt with anything that moves (true), and so he lets buck bat his eyelashes and wear his stupid backwards cap and he doesnāt ever budge. he is professional. he is unaffected (false).
then they go to a call and thereās a baby there, and buck is so so good with her and eddie realises oh. this guy is just lonely. he wants to be loved, and he wants to love. and that is what breaks eddieās resolveāseeing buck with a kid, being all responsible and domestic.
he still doesnāt give in though. heās still professional, still buckās captain. but he does go home and jerk off while thinking about fucking a baby into buck. and if he canāt quite look buck in the eye on their next shift, itās probably for the best.
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christopher deploying theo on buddie like a small nuclear bomb. 'hey spiderman you know what would make buck make a funny face? if you asked him when he and dad are getting married.'
'theo c'mere, guess what, if we lock dad and buck in the bedroom together we can totally jump on the sofa, isn't that cool?'
'here have a marker, yeah you can draw on the door. why don't you draw a big heart and I can write both their names in? if you tell them it's because you love them they won't get mad at you :)'
it's not just for buddie he'll do it for his own gain too. sometimes he just gives theo and jee sugar and confetti and nobody bothers him while he's playing video game for hours. he hears the adults running and panicked in the living room and lies back with the satisfaction of a job well done.
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gentle reminder that āgay panicā is not a cutesy way of describing a gay character freaking out over another character or their sexuality. gay panic is a legal defense tactic used in the US until very recently to get homophobes out of facing consequences for killing or assaulting queer people. it is neither cute nor funny.
if you didnāt know this, thatās ok, now you do! proceed accordingly.
I need to talk about Buck and fealty, Buck and the swearing of oaths, Buck and chivalric knighthood.
This is something that Iāve been a tad obsessed with for a long time now. A quick search of my chat history with @glorious-spoon reveals that I first brought this up back in 2023, and they certainly share in the credit for everything Iām about to say, since Iām partly using our chat log as a scaffolding to write this.
My basic thesis here is that, on a fundamental level, Buck approaches the things that are most important to him as though he is a knight swearing a sacred oath of fealty.
Iām not sure he thinks about this aspect of himself in such concrete terms. Perhaps itās entirely subconscious on his part, but regardless of whether or not heās aware of it, heās still doing it. Itās still how he approaches the world. Itās part of his world view and value system, his personal moral code.
I believe this is a core tenet to understanding Buck as a character and that itās been there from the pilot.
Gotta put the rest under a cut because, whoops! it got a little long...
That speech he gives Bobby at the end of the episode, about how he understands what heās lost by being fired? Thatās kind of him swearing his first oath of the series. Getting fired in the pilot and the events that follow before Bobby gives him his second chance at the end, that all helps Buck realize just How Important firefighting is to him. How highly he values it. And boy does he value it highly. To Buck, firefighting is a sacred calling. An honorable brotherhood that allows him to do the most important thing in the world: to be of service to others.
Being of service to others, being useful, is when Buck feels like his best self. It makes him feel good. It makes him feel like he matters, like heās doing something important in the world. Itās often the way he expresses his love and gratitude for others and the world around him. Itās so beautiful and I love him so much.
This brotherhood, knighthood aspect of how he views firefighting is, I think, part of why he was So Adamant that he attend Eddieās ceremony at the end of s2. Yes, itās Eddie, and Eddie was already important to him, even that early on. But itās also because Eddie is being officially sworn in to the sacred brotherhood. Itās Eddie. But itās also firefighting. He has to be there.
I also believe the fealty of it all is one reason he waited so long before letting go of Abby. He swore an oath to her that he would wait for her to come back, and he meant it with every fiber of his being. Honestly, thatās peak romance. My boy is a romantic for real for real.
When Eddie said āyou can have my back any day,ā he wasnāt swearing to have Buckās back. He was giving Buck permission to have Eddieās back, and Buck took that very seriously. Obviously. He was giving Buck permission to swear an oath of fealty to Eddie.
Buckās oath to Eddie and later to Chris is so interesting to me for a few reasons. One, I donāt think he fully swears this oath to himself right away. Itās kind of like the firefighting thing above, where it started as sort of a partial oath, that he later realizes the importance of. When Eddie yells at Buck in the grocery store about how much Chris misses him, heās genuinely surprised, and immediately contrite about it. He wants to fix it right away. Had he known, that his absence would cause Chris pain, he never would have done what he did.
He didnāt realize until this moment that he broke his oath.
So he redoubles. He swears for real this time, in his apology to Eddie in the kitchen, after the lawsuit. He apologizes with extreme earnestness and sincerity, despite Eddieās protests that he doesnāt need to. Because to Buck, yes, he does need to. He broke his oath. He needs to make amends. He cannot feel okay about that until he expresses his solemn remorse.
This is him officially swearing an oath of fealty to Eddie and Chris. He might as well be kneeling before Eddie and presenting his sword, for how seriously he means it. Eddie and Chris needed him and he wasnāt there, and he will never ever let that happen again.
And he doesnāt. He is always, always there for Eddie and Chris whenever and for whatever they need. Chill hangouts, school projects, rides to the airport, serious family talks, saving Eddieās life (obviously), all the way up to literally giving up his home, so that Eddie can leave him to go be with his son, so Christopher could get his dad back, so they could be together again.
And heās so glad to be able to do it. I imagine he felt a real sense of relief the moment he realized that he could give up his loft to solve Eddieās sublet problem. That his decision was made the instant he had the realization. If thereās something he can do to help, heās going to do it. He cannot live with himself otherwise.
We see this same thing in moments like the crane climb during the shooter arc. He would much rather put himself in harmās way than see his loved ones in harmās way. If thereās something he can do to prevent that harm, he will do it, because that is the less painful option to him.
But the really chewy thing to me about his oaths to Eddie and Chris, is that Eddie seems very aware of this aspect of Buck and accepts it and relies on it. Itās what he says when he reveals the will, that no one will fight for his son as hard as Buck. And Buck basically confirms his oath again when he says āyou know I wouldnātā with all the gravity of a neutron star. You know I would never forsake my oath, my sacred duty, is basically what heās saying.
I would say this trait of Buckās reveals itself even in more casual moments. Like his vowing to do Henās yard work because he forgot her birthday. Broke the friendship oath! Gotta repent!
But one reason Iām writing this meta now instead of three years ago, is that his recent addiction episode was so utterly fealty coded that I lost my entire mind, and I need to talk about it.
Part of why Buck values his job so much is what it does for him: allowing him to help people first and foremost, but he also loves the action and activity and camaraderie of it, etc. But as much as he values firefighting for himself and his identity, he values it even more highly as its own thing, above and beyond himself. He values it as an ideal. A thing larger and more important than himself.
Buck doesnāt care about chain of command, but he does understand when rules are there for a good reason, and thatās something he does care about. To him, those rules are part of the knightās code and when you swear an oath to knighthood, you swear to uphold those rules and values. When he almost took the fentanyl, he broke his oath. And so, he could no longer be a knight. Heād betrayed his sacred calling, and so he presented himself and his sword on bended knee to put himself at the mercy of his honorable lord to do with what he would.
He doesnāt make excuses. He doesnāt make any attempt to justify or defend. He just lays himself bare before Chimney with full openness and vulnerability. He admits what he almost did with complete transparency and full awareness of how bad it nearly was.
And even in the depths of his suffering, he still takes it all So Seriously. Chim asks if heās high at that moment and Buck swears no, no, never at work. And he means it so seriously. Because to Buck, upholding the values of firefighting is more important than getting to be a firefighter himself. Because in the state heās in in that moment, he cannot truly be a firefighter in the way the matters to him, and so Chimney must cast him out.
Thankfully, Chimney chooses another path. Love that dude, for real.
But Buck was being completely serious when he asked Chim to fire him. He was ready and willing to lose the job he loves so much, that gives him so much purpose and identity, because, in his view of things, he had broken his oath to it.
To me that scene is almost two different Buckās talking with two different Chimneyās. Buck the knight is speaking to his leader, his lord. Heās revealing his betrayal of their sacred duty and is ready for the consequences of that. Buck the friend is speaking to his friend Chimney, who he knows will help him in his hour of need, but specifically only with the addiction. He does not expect Chim to help him keep his job. In fact, he actively fights against it when Chimney talks about how they could say nothing and keep it a secret and work on it alone together. He will accept no outcome that does not remove him from duty, because at that moment, he is not fit for it.
Iām probably starting to repeat myself at this point, so Iāll wrap it up. But Iām just⦠I love that Buck sees himself and his job and his loved ones and the world in this way. Heās so heroic and honorable in a very sort of storybook, fairy tale kind of way that nonetheless feels so real. I love him and Iām so very proud of him. And I love that heās so utterly knight coded and that he swears oaths and means them with every fiber of his being and lives by a code of fealty. Guy of all time, truly.
tags: established buddie, nde, hurt eddie, eddie whump, gunshot wounds, introspection, pov eddie, fruits definitely mean something, repression, non linear, sex as communication, semi public sex, Eddie Diaz character study
I know it has always been the norm for people to post multi-chapter fics as they write them, but, personally, for my long fics, I MUCH prefer writing them to completion first and then posting as I edit. And this is partially because of my writing style and process, but it also makes the posting/sharing process a lot more fun for me.
Updates still get posted once or twice a week to build tension and engagement with readers, but I don't have the pressure of anyone's expectations because the story is already done. I don't have to worry about getting influenced by anyone's comments or ideas, I just get to write 100% for me, and then if other people enjoy it too, neat! That's a bonus.
Also fair! That's what a few good fandom friends are for. Not beta readers in the sense of "please review and help me with this" but in the sense of "please enjoy my nonsense before I share it more widely."
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