Grammatolatry

i beg you to love me, say that i'm enough, but you tell me— why are you like this? i think there's something wrong with you.

to want and be wanted

i dream i will be sitting at a banquet and look over it and eat and eat and eat until my teeth fall out of my head. i take her into my hands and kiss her no matter how loud the nightmare gets. i do not move out of the way. i do not beg; i demand, and the demanding is unashamed.

in the mornings i worry my desire as borne of a famine. that it has become a weapon turned inwards, an insatiable hole of anger and dread. if i open that pit, it will never stop swallowing, will it?

my friend is drying her nails, shaking them in the air, considering their new color. “has it occurred to you that you can want something and actually deserve it. that all that built up need and want is actually fillable - but once you begin to fill, you will know what it feels like and you will want more. the way that you’re living is an obsession with control. “

but i know control. control is sort of beautiful in its execution. there is no sainthood in satisfaction, after all. the selfless feels safe. 

“self harm can be self denial”, my friend texts me. 

And I'm laughing.

Because crying isnt so different but I'm tired of it.

Dear diary, I will not take the blame for the weakness of the branch. I understand I am the one who broke it. But I will not be responsible for how thin it grew.

Dear diary, I woke up and I made a hot cup of Chai and I looked out the window, and I didn't cry. And the squirrels fell from the tree, and they laughed I'm sure.

Dear diary, I laughed all day with them and I meant it.

We are responsible for the things we tame, the things we break, but I am not to blame for the fragility.

I just need to learn to hold things better.

Or maybe just not at all,