Between Being and Becoming

The steadiness of my life has shown me more about where im unsteady. Currently trying to set in some new habits and thought patterns to be kinder and more faithful to my Self.

It’s decreasing now, but i have a ton of apprehension abt the ways that im changing my expression and inclinations - theres a deeper part of me that worries that if i change too much i will lose the people, the life that i have. But im working on affirming that im alive and i *should* be changing, and that if the people around me dont appreciate the way that im growing and becoming, then that is a loss i have survived before and will survive again, and im no longer the kind of person that would spite themselves to stay superficially safe.

It’s not true.

I’m not afraid of myself or the world.

It’s been a rough 6wks, but I’m so loved in so many ways.

I had 3 seizures - #2 dislocated my shoulder, and #3 broke it a few hours later. They had to put my shoulder back in the socket while it was still broken, and then I had surgery to anchor the broken parts a few days later. They loaded me up on anti-seizure and pain medication so I have significant memory loss for a 2wk period in august.

There are things that come back. Things I know I can’t remember. And things I don’t know that I can’t remember. Moments I can’t get back - like my qp meeting my mom. Or my friends meeting my mom. Having all of them around me.

A whole lot has changed (for better and worse) in my life this past year and probably I need to start yelling into the void again.