This blog is now an archive

As some of you may have guessed by the thread that has been going on with eilidhink, I am quitting role playing and archiving. I should have probably done this sooner, but I was having trouble letting go, still kinda am tbh. But I don’t really have any interest in role playing any more and I have realized that being on tumblr in general has not been good for my mental health the last few months.

Besides that, I have re-found my faith. I was a Christian, but for the last 3-4 years I had walked away. In the last few weeks God has gotten my attention in a way I just can’t ignore. And I realized that some of the things I had been RPing were taking me down a dark path, one that I don’t really want to go down. So while my interest in RPing has waned, it’s also something He’s asked me to give up in order to deepen my relationship with Him. It hurts and I’m going to miss it, but I love Him too much not to do this.

This has been difficult for me, I’ve spent several hours last night and today crying, grieving. Ben is a part of me and it isn’t just that he’s fading or leaving, it’s that he’s dying. Sometimes God calls His followers to put to death a part of themselves in order to be closer to Him. He’s called me to sacrifice Ben, to put him on the alter, to put that part of me on the alter. It hurts and I’m grieving, but through it all I have a peace that passes understanding and I know without a doubt God wants me to do this and that He is with me. Ben has served his purpose and it’s time for me to let go and move into what God has called me to do. Maybe some of you think that’s a little crazy, that I’m a little crazy, but I felt like I needed to say it.

It has been fun and I am so, so glad I got to meet all of you. I will periodically check messages on my main blog, sammyswolf, so you can get ahold of me there and I’m on Skype most days for those of you who have it (even when it says I’m offline I am usually still on).

Sam carefully unhooked the collar around the man’s neck and laid it flat in his palm, looking down at it as he took a deep breath. It was the first show of emotion he had shown since the announcement. “You remember what I taught you, Ben,” he whispered, using the man’s real name as he looked up, running his hand through the man’s hair. “You’re your own person—don’t let anyone try to convince you otherwise. You’re not a pet.”

He leaned forward and pressed their lips together, slowly, gently before he pulled back and cleared his throat, looking down so the man didn’t see the way the hazel started to swim. “This will always be here if you change your mind–I’ll keep your room yours in case—” His words cut off and he looked up to attempt a teasing smile. 

“Go on, get out of here before I change my mind,” he smirked though it didn’t quite reach his eyes.

(He decided he needed to say something. Didn’t know he felt so strongly about it until this morning)

Wolf held still as the collar was removed and he listened to Sam carefully. Hearing his real name... it felt like it cracked something in him, broke chains and bonds in his heart and mind. For the first time since he’d been trained, it felt right, like it was actually his name. That he was Ben. He leaned into the touch in his hair and nodded. It was going to be hard not to think of himself that way anymore, but he would try. He would be his own person again. For Sam. And for himself.

He closed his eyes, memorizing the feel of Sam’s lips on his. He hadn’t cried in a very long time, but now he felt the foreign feeling of his eyes stinging with unshed tears. “Thank you,” he whispered, eternally grateful that Sam would keep a place for him. It felt so good to know that someone cared enough, that Sam cared enough, to keep a place for him to come back to should this fail or should he need it.