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This blog is now an archive

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Archiving and Goodbye
As some of you may have guessed by the thread that has been going on with eilidhink, I am quitting role playing and archiving. I should have probably done this sooner, but I was having trouble letting go, still kinda am tbh. But I donāt really have any interest in role playing any more and I have realized that being on tumblr in general has not been good for my mental health the last few months.
Besides that, I have re-found my faith. I was a Christian, but for the last 3-4 years I had walked away. In the last few weeks God has gotten my attention in a way I just canāt ignore. And I realized that some of the things I had been RPing were taking me down a dark path, one that I donāt really want to go down. So while my interest in RPing has waned, itās also something Heās asked me to give up in order to deepen my relationship with Him. It hurts and Iām going to miss it, but I love Him too much not to do this.
This has been difficult for me, Iāve spent several hours last night and today crying, grieving. Ben is a part of me and it isnāt just that heās fading or leaving, itās that heās dying. Sometimes God calls His followers to put to death a part of themselves in order to be closer to Him. Heās called me to sacrifice Ben, to put him on the alter, to put that part of me on the alter. It hurts and Iām grieving, but through it all I have a peace that passes understanding and I know without a doubt God wants me to do this and that He is with me. Ben has served his purpose and itās time for me to let go and move into what God has called me to do. Maybe some of you think thatās a little crazy, that Iām a little crazy, but I felt like I needed to say it.
It has been fun and I am so, so glad I got to meet all of you. I will periodically check messages on my main blog, sammyswolf, so you can get ahold of me there and Iām on Skype most days for those of you who have it (even when it says Iām offline I am usually still on).
I love you all and I will miss you and you will be in my thoughts and prayers. Take care of yourselves. Goodbye.
and if you canāt see anything beautiful about yourself get a better mirror look a little closer stare a little longer because thereās something inside you that made you keep trying despite everyone who told you to quit you built a cast around your broken heart and signed it yourself you signed it: āthey were wrongā
Shane Koyczan,Ā āTo This Dayā (via wordsnquotes)
Goodbye
Eilidh remembered their first real conversation like it had been yesterday. Ben had been a fuckinā mess, drunk and scared and telling her she shouldnāt be around him, because heād just hurt her. He was a monster. She smiled, leaning up to kiss his forehead softly before settling against him to sleep. He wasnāt a monster anymore than she was. Fuck, if her life had gone just a little differently, she may have ended up just like him.Ā
She pressed against him as thoroughly as she could, her head on his shoulder, one arm wrapped securely around him. She threw her leg over his for good measure. She wanted to touch him as much as possible, as though that way she could give him some warmth and affection to take with him, to keep him going while he found his feet again.
Eilidhās last thought as she drifted off was that sheād been right about himāBen had never hurt her, not once. Not until he tried to leave without saying goodbye, anyway, and she hadnāt let him get away with that, so it didnāt count. Eilidh liked being right, and she hoped she was right this time, too. That Ben was going to be okay.Ā
When Ben woke to the alarm on his phone going off, he didnāt want to pull away from Eilidh, but he knew he had to. He lay there for a long moment, memorizing the feel of her against him, the feel of the crappy bed, the smell of the room. This would be the last time he would ever be there. He didnāt want to forget it, didnāt want to forget what he learned while being there.
Finally he gently and carefully pulled away from Eilidh, watching as she shifted in her sleep to get comfortable without him there. He leaned down and pressed a long kiss to her forehead. He would never forget her.
Sam was awake as well. They got dressed, got Sunny in her carrier, and then Sam helped him carry the last of his bags out to the runway. Kaitlin was already there, as he knew she would be, and she gave him a tight hug. She told him he better take care of himself and when she started crying Ben couldnāt hold the tears back any longer. He was going to miss them all, but he felt this was right and as much as it saddened him, he had a strange peace about it.
He gave Sam a long hug as well and told them both that they had better come down and visit when they got some leave. With that he grabbed his bags and Sunny and headed into the chopper that would take him to airport where he would start his long journey home. He waved, tears in his eyes, as they took off, sadness and heaviness in his heart, but also a strange peace.
It was the end of one life and the beginning of another.

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There are two wolves that are always fighting. One is darkness and despair, the other is light and hope. Which one wins? ā¦The one you feed.
Casey Newton; Tomorrowland (via mapetitpoupee)
āGood. This might be awkward if you werenāt.ā She grinned, but her voice was quiet. She wanted to give him more, help him more, if she could, but there wasnāt time. Just tonight. So she went on petting his hair and smiling at him, because she didnāt want to say goodbye. āGo on, go to sleep. Iāll be here.ā
Ben snorted softly at her comment. He was going to miss Eilidh. A lot. He hoped heād get to come and visit her in the future. āāKay.ā He sighed deeply, settling more into the bed.Ā āThanks, Eilidh.ā After a moment the darkness of sleep took him under, slow and peaceful.
submitted by becauseyouremybigbrother:
Sam carefully unhooked the collar around the manās neck and laid it flat in his palm, looking down at it as he took a deep breath. It was the first show of emotion he had shown since the announcement. āYou remember what I taught you, Ben,ā he whispered, using the manās real name as he looked up, running his hand through the manās hair. āYouāre your own personādonāt let anyone try to convince you otherwise. Youāre not a pet.ā
He leaned forward and pressed their lips together, slowly, gently before he pulled back and cleared his throat, looking down so the man didnāt see the way the hazel started to swim. āThis will always be here if you change your mindāIāll keep your room yours in caseāā His words cut off and he looked up to attempt a teasing smile.Ā
āGo on, get out of here before I change my mind,ā he smirked though it didnāt quite reach his eyes.
(He decided he needed to say something. Didnāt know he felt so strongly about it until this morning)
Wolf held still as the collar was removed and he listened to Sam carefully. Hearing his real name... it felt like it cracked something in him, broke chains and bonds in his heart and mind. For the first time since heād been trained, it felt right, like it was actually his name. That he was Ben. He leaned into the touch in his hair and nodded. It was going to be hard not to think of himself that way anymore, but he would try. He would be his own person again. For Sam. And for himself.
He closed his eyes, memorizing the feel of Samās lips on his. He hadnāt cried in a very long time, but now he felt the foreign feeling of his eyes stinging with unshed tears.Ā āThank you,ā he whispered, eternally grateful that Sam would keep a place for him. It felt so good to know that someone cared enough, that Sam cared enough, to keep a place for him to come back to should this fail or should he need it.
He nodded curtly at Samās order, afraid to speak for fear that those tears would actually fall. He turned and made his way to the portal that would take him back to earth. He glanced back over his shoulder at Sam, love and pain in his eyes, but also gratitude and determination, and then stepped through and into a new life.

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It is what it is⦠Life goes on. Photo by: @mellylee_
#heās like this BECAUSE he saved the world you dickĀ #donāt you get itĀ #this is the reality of heroesĀ #itās not a ride off into the fucking sunset on a white horse with the girl on your armĀ #itās giving everythingĀ #EVERYTHINGĀ #and being broken and dying in a psych wardĀ #while the world goes on around youĀ #completely oblivious#because you never even tried to get creditĀ #you never tried to be thanked or even ACKNOWLEDGEDĀ #because being a hero doesnāt mean being applaudedĀ #it means saving the world and knowing you WONāT be applaudedĀ #knowing youāre giving everythingĀ #while gaining nothingĀ #and doing it anywayĀ #and that folks is why i fucking love sam winchester
āIād never,ā Eilidh promised. She reached up to brush his hair back, running her fingers through it soothingly. He should sleepāhe had to be awake in a few hours, and a day on a fuckinā plane after all these goodbyes and shite wouldnāt be easy. āIām quite fond of you, in case you hadnae noticed. Iād much rather not accidentally put a spear through you.ā
Benās eyes fell closed when she ran her fingers through his hair. He leaned into the touch, almost pressing into it like a dog would when wanting more petting.Ā āI had noticed,ā he murmured.Ā āāM fond of you too.ā He was already starting to slip into sleep with her gentle touch.
S8 glory for JD (8x06)
Anonymous said:
Do you think Benās gonna be okay going home?
āI hope so. I think⦠alright, hereās the thing about Ben. He was fightinā to cope with the shite that happened to his family. He wanted to do it for them. It wasnae good for him, though, and I hopeāI hope with everything Iāve gotāthat he doesnae feel like heās lettinā them down now. I think theyād be glad heās walkinā away from it while he still has the chance. If he knows that, heāll be alright.ā

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Her earlier fear and anger had left Eilidh worn out, and she let herself be pulled into a more comfortable position against Benās side. She adjusted herself so she could look up at his face, though, partly because she wanted to see how he was feeling and partly because she wasnāt sure how long it would be until she saw him again.Ā āAre you really goinā to put a spear in my hand and turn me loose? That sounds like a terrible idea,ā she warned with a smile.Ā āIām in.ā
Ben turned his head to look at her and returned her smile, albeit a little tiredly, his eyes already half closed. He didnāt really want to fall asleep yet, but it had been a long day.Ā āAs long as you donāt spear me, I think weāll be fine.ā He gave her another squeeze, holding her close.
The Winchester Brothers: Sam