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feelings are the most confusing part of this universe

i think i understand having communication problems uk 

u r not able to express what u feel mostly, heart stuff 

because u feel that that emotion is mine

uk it is something i possess

something i do not want to share 

or something i will never want to 

it is mine not anyone elses

i think for that trust is required 

being vulnerable is not a fight about others

it is a fight about our minds 

with ourselves 

My thoughts, emotions, anger, reasons for getting angry is mine uk 

it is mine and i am really scared of letting it go 

uk the thought of other people misunderstanding it misusing it is probably my biggest fear

after i share something 

i do not feel relief 

i feel like i have lost something 

i am still trying to understand why 

am i “overthinking”

i hate that feeling uk 

i genuinely do 

that is why i do not want to share 

is it a crime 

is it a boon over any relationship i have or might have in future

i do not know what i seek 

i do know one thing i am scared of people 

i am scared of letting them know my feelings

that is why is never say uk, “i like you”

or even

“yes, i would like to be in a relationship with you”

it scares me 

sharing myself 

is it narcisism or is it something else 

i cannot quite put into words

feelings are confusing

but interpreting them brings relief 

a sort of understanding in life

but then people say do not make a checklist based on ur understandings 

why not?

if that is what i want 

i sometimes feel that i am incapable of love

i do think major portion is because of my insecurities about my body

but i feel some of it might be because i think i will just end up ruining it 

something so special 

i know every teenager thinks like this  

but it confuses me 

 Love shouldn’t be this confusing right?

I do not feel happy

Happiness feels so distant 

A place so far away

I do not know how I am gonna reach there

I feel alone

I am

So alone 

I don’t know what to do 

I am stressed 

About CLAT 

And 

Exams

And 

I do not feel comfortable in my own body

I hate the things I am doing 

I hate how I am feeling 

I feel I have no one

Not one person who would understand 

I just want someone 

With no expectation from me

Just know I will not make u feel bad

But do not use me 

Expect from me 

I feel so fucking alone

My sister hides things from me 

Because she thinks I ruin stuff

Maybe I do

But the problem is

I am stuck with her 

And she is going to college in like 6 months

It is gonna hurt

But what hurts the most is 

She is not gonna feel hurt 

I am feeling so alone

I have no one to understand me

I am alone 

I hate my body to a point where I do not think I will ever come back 

I am so scared of people finding out that I am fat

I am alone

I live each day with no hope

I am not able to complete the targets

Because of school

I don’t know how to do it

I am feeling really alone 

I do not know what to do 

It hurts so bad

Idk where 

God 

Please help me 

Motivate me 

Discipline is all that is left 

It is tough being 16,

People judge

We judge ourselves 

We think about every action, emotion before acting on it

Emotions not thought of are interpreted while expressing them 

It sucks

It feels burdening

I don’t wanna interpret but I cannot stop

It controls me 

It pressurises me

If I ignore I suffer consequences from myself 

Should we or should we not feel emotions

Is it okay to feel ?

Will it become a barrier

I like being strong 

It brings me closer to my goal

I say stuff to convince myself

Suck it up, it doesn’t matter, be strong headed

Should I say it 

Does it matter

Does feeling and expressing emotions matter

While writing this I feel dumb 

My mind is saying that this is stupid

Stop

Stop

Stop

Stop !

It feels like I have two brains 

One dominating the other

But the problem is... the one dominating will make me reach my goal

It is more mature

Being mature is good 

I enjoy the comment of me being mature

My mind smiles

The other doubts

I express a smirk

I don’t know what to think 

I don’t know what to feel

I think I can’t feel emotions intensely

Or I do justly don’t express it 

I express the lie

Or is it a lie

I don’t know

I don’t know what to think 

It is pressing 

But it is stupid

Or is it not 

I cannot decide

I don’t want to 

I want someone to understand me without me expressing 

I don’t think it is possible 

I want to see someone like me

Feel like me

I want someone confusing as me 

I thought I know someone like me but I don’t think so now

I want someone like me so that I see him or her and know I am not alone 

I don’t want someone who understands me but someone like me 

It will bring comfort to me 

I know it will

Why ?

What did I ever do ?

Why did u leave me S ?

Forget about me ? 

It makes me sick 

The feeling of forgiveness 

I hate myself for forgiving u

I am hurting 

I am angry at u

I want to shout at u 

Why do u not care ?

If u did 

U would not have forgotten about my birthday 

U would not have lied

I hate myself for forgiving u

I want to write 

I can’t be ur best friend anymore 

I can’t fake it anymore 

But I know 

U r the only person with whom I can hold a conversation with

Other people claim to be my best friends 

I cannot hurt them 

But the only conversation we have is about them

With u

I can open up

U understand 

But u hurt me 

U hurt me S

For my self worth 

I should not ignore ur mistakes

I wanna shout at u 

I really do 

I hate u but 

I love u even more

I value u 

But it is not good for me to be with u anymore 

I don’t know what to do 

I don’t 

I don’t 

I don’t 

I don’t allow myself to be angry long enough 

It is my mistake 

Body positivity

I see a lot of videos

I read a lot of paragraphs 

It confuses me 

People say that one should be comfortable with their body

I feel the same

But I still have the need to get more thinner

Why is it?

Is it that ingrained in my mind that changing my body will only help

I don’t want approval 

I do it because I like the thought of feeling thin 

The clothes would fit me better

The pictures would be much better

Is it wrong to think about it that way 

I hate that society has done this to me 

I hate it but it seems impossible for me to not want that thinner body

I am confused 

Does being body positive means not wanting that thinner body

Because I know I would be much happier with it

Maybe that is the solution do what makes you happy 

If you like being chubby be that 

If like being thin be that

Just don’t criticise someone with any shape or size

That is what body positivity should mean 

The ‘ideal’ body should be subjective 

And not one 

The beauty standards for me is being thin but I am not saying that being chubby is ugly 

For me I just feel comfortable that way

Happy that way and I hate that but that is what the society created and nothing can be done now so I just have to accept it

I also would not like if the society says that being thin is more beautiful 

It is the fault of society 

Everyone has an ingrained image of a great body 

I have it too

And I blame it on the society

I cannot change that now

It is impossible for me

I ask my sister 

Do I look fat

Because I do not like when I am fat

I hate that I feel that way

I want a society to change for the future not for the present 

Because I know that a lot of minds have made a column already for a perfect body

And for some people it might be impossible to change I have tried

Trust me I have 

I want that body and wanting it is okay 

but at the same time I do not wish that my kid in the future or any kid for that matter think of thin bodies when I ask what body do you like

It sickens me 

People makes jokes without realising

The first thought that comes is weight difference 

It sucks and I blame it on the society

Remove beauty standards 

Remove that thought because it changes perspectives 

Remove it for future minds

Remove it for the sake of mental health

Even a small comment about body relates to many things

I know that getting a good body should be appreciated but for the time being

For majority of people it should be stopped 

Because it does create a difference

Stop it

Stop with any sort of comment 

whether good or bad

Bad ones brings down the mental health 

Good ones tears down the mentality

The mentality of getting a perfect body to get compliments

Because let’s be honest everyone likes compliments

But stop complimenting it creates a lot of delusions 

Develops a toxic mindset

We have to think about the mind 

We do ! It is a high time

And, 

it is extremely important

I am irrevocably in love with him

I saw him a month ago,

It brought up so many feelings

I wanna hold him and kiss him so hard

The thought of him,

The thought of us,

I don’t know how to get over it

I want to,

But I can’t

I want him,

I want him all

The look on his face

His body

His thoughts

All mine,

All mine

It sucks that I don’t have guts,

It sucks that I cannot tell him how I feel,

That feeling is so fucking strong,

It consumes me

I just said hi with a handshake,

But it was all that my mind could do,

My heart wanted to scream

In two years,

I tried so hard not to think of him

But then I saw him

All those passionate feelings came rushing back

I don’t know how to overcome them

I don’t

I really want to,

I do

But I don’t know how to

Ahhhhh

Oh my god

Just get out of my head

Out of my head

Out of my head

Out of my head

I can’t love any one else,

I am so irrevocably in love with a person, 

Who I don’t know whether likes me or not

And that thought controls me

Tortures me

And me in my masochistic ways,