lÖving Ü

I'm glad that you're not underwear, because I never want to change you

I wrote to RL Stine and told him to stop, because you're the only one who should give me goosebumps

When God made you, he didn't break the mould, he kept it in his garage and put lipstick on it

I've eaten the only copy of your bucket list. Welcome to immortality

You put the ointment on my disappointment

I know you're not keen on there being a female best man, but, if you think about it, you and I would never have met if that gypsy hadn't cursed me

I think you should stay in bed today, because you're NSFW

I love your special nicknames for my penis—the baby laser, the helpful ranger, the South American question mark, and the homme hose, e.g.

Loving you means saying goodbye to my blues. Cyan-ara

Let’s promise to name our first born after the place where they’re conceived—the Stork’s Magical Baby Factory, 518 Cloud Street, North Heaventown, USA

If you were to leave me now, I'd feel like I was an astronaut who's just been swallowed by a space creature. Alien-ated.

Before I met you, I was such a depressed spreadsheet. Lots of cells-loathing

Never forget that the true meaning of Valentine's Day is the same as the true meaning of Christmas: giving birth to Jesus in a stable

I'm glad you didn't put me in the freud zone

Before I met you, I referred to it as a wishboner

Our love is blind—as in, most people now are actually pretty tolerant of us bumping each other, and also, one day, we might get a dog

What would Jesus do is you