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it has been 2 days since my 2nd and prolly the last rawat. 2nd was with ustaz faddly. alhamdulillah, i felt alot of improvement to my appearance. my hives weren’t so bad like previously, my eczema on my hands are still ‘there’ though.

but i don’t think i am healing in terms of my mental and inner being. i will be frank and lay out everything here..

i spent 2 weeks (wow there’s alot of #2 here) at woodlands and my condition improved ilke the snap of a finger. all my symptoms were gone. but the moment i came back to here, everything appears back. after my 2nd rawat i finally understood why. it is simply that as long as there are symptoms in me, the jin is still lurking. unattached but, lurking around me, standing by me. 

and i wasn’t wrong when i stated my observations. just that, people KEPT telling me i was taksub. i am MAD. i am TIRED because people don’t understand the pesakit. i am the pesakit, and i am the one experiencing it. if you don’t understand, you’re really just.. not HELPING no matter how much if you think you’re helping. i am merely stating my OBSERVATIONS.

spiritual disturbance is on a different level. u now know the problem is spiritual disturbance, you just have to keep on listening to the pesakit. because all the symptoms are no longer, i repeat NO LONGER related to reality, physical surroundings. SPIRITUAL is something that you CANNOT see. you blaming the entire physical surrounding is like you deflecting the problem (when you are completely aware what IS the problem). this is not solving anything.

and as such, i dare to say that my mental and inner being is NOT BEEN TAKEN CARE OF. i asked myself, i just.. want my MOTHER. when i was at woodlands, i do not know why but i never felt like i wanted to leave mom. each night i end up spending time with her in the living room, massaging her. my head tells me to check on my husband but my heart wants my mother. something in me longed for mom so much in this period i don’t know why.. although she didn’t like the idea of me going for rawat. it doesn’t matter. 

mom called me out of the blue yesterday. to be honest i wanted to cry. i wanted to hug her so badly. 

why am i being tortured emotionally ALL THE TIME? 

.. batin ku tak dijaga. 

and then at night, Z was sleeping as he had to go for work later in the morning. i sat outside at the sofa and i just cried. i just. cried. Mami being there doesn’t really help me. She is.. not mom. i tried holding her for emotional support, i tried very much seriously. i always try.  but i want mom’s hug so badly. i just want to be close with mom i think it helps my healing. now don’t tell me i am weak. i will just kill myself.

since i was young, i have been so obedient listening to people. i feel caged. i am not entitled to my own voice. i feel suffocated. i feel disregard as a human being. i didn’t get to say anything and if i do, i will be condemned. so stop.

stop telling me that whatever i do and feel, are wrong. you are making me feel delusional and even more confused. 

Allah, is there something wrong in all of the conversations i make?

I went to tcm last night and.. i just found out there are so many complications in my body. All these started right after i got married. Is this a test from Allah?

Cao said my womb is unhealthy and not strong to have a baby. That was almost the same to hearing you got a miscarriage. Almost. My heart actually rained. Your won’t know...

You won’t understand

My brain pathed 2 thoughts:

Were there anyone who has ill feelings towards me and wished me unwell, not to have a child? Not to even let me get close with my husband at night?

Or this is simply a test from Allah.

I believe in the 2nd. Allah might want to give me the best. Instead of facing a real miscarriage, He prolly wants me to listen to my body and make it all healthy. InsyaAllah.

This could also be an opportunity to increase my relationship with Zakaria. Maybe it’s also a chance for us both to be a better person and realise each other’s worth. MasyaAllah. ♥️

I hurt myself last night

😞

I’m disappointed,

Now I cannot sleep